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Hardest personal question ever
Dear TSR members I would like you to reply to a problem I have - and it is real:
The situation I am in seems to be very awkward. I am a 20 year old guy that is currently attending University and have 3 brothers that are 18, 15 and 4 years of age.
My mum currently has arthritis and has now been diagnosed with lupus and is also going blind. She is in her early forty's and has split from my father.
The problem I have is that my father is in no shape what so ever to look after my little brother if my mum were to pass away. Recent incidents includes trying to kill himself twice and put us all in danger that involved the police a few times. My mum has told me that if anything were to happen to her, then I am going to be responsible for looking after my four year old brother. I have to apparently sign this legal binding contract saying that I will do this.
However, I have spoken to my brother who is 18 and he has a career with the government, which involves him travelling around the world. I am at University and my 15 year old brother is in no position to look after my youngest brother ever (he can't even look after himself).
As selfish as it may sound, but for my whole life I have been held back by this monster (my father) from doing well (he even refused to let me to go to uni and kicked me out of the house). Now my life has improved 100 fold and I see no limit in how far I can go! I want to build a career and become highly successful and meet the girl of my dreams, etc.
However much I do love my four year old brother - I don't want to look after him (buy a house, take him to school, etc) as this in turn is going to affect my life badly! I sound like such a selfish brat that cares only about himself - but I think it is selfish of my mother to say its going to be me dealing with his future and to forget about mine! I want to travel to world, climb the career ladder, etc - not get tied down by a kid! Im really sensible and do not want children until I am roughly 30 or so.
I see this as my mum saying "you will forget whatever life you wanted - your now going to have a kid". I don't want to! Its my life, and I have worked really hard to battle and fight for everything and now I am finally free I am dragged back down!
My father will no doubt fight me for custody if something were to happen to my mother. I cannot and will not let my little brother ever have the childhood I had (being beaten, etc) - not ever. However - if my heart really isn't into looking after my youngest brother - what happens to him!
What do I do? I can't compromise, because to me it seems like someone is asking me to forget my life to continue someone's else's. I never see my dad, and do not want to (last time I did he tried to kill me - no joke).
OK - its a horrible subject but I want to address this NOW - not when my mum passes away (she's in a bad condition and as horrible as it sounds - I'll be suprised if in 5 years she is alive).
Help me TSR members!
Some sensible advice from yourselves on what you think I should do, etc would be highly appreciated!
The situation I am in seems to be very awkward. I am a 20 year old guy that is currently attending University and have 3 brothers that are 18, 15 and 4 years of age.
My mum currently has arthritis and has now been diagnosed with lupus and is also going blind. She is in her early forty's and has split from my father.
The problem I have is that my father is in no shape what so ever to look after my little brother if my mum were to pass away. Recent incidents includes trying to kill himself twice and put us all in danger that involved the police a few times. My mum has told me that if anything were to happen to her, then I am going to be responsible for looking after my four year old brother. I have to apparently sign this legal binding contract saying that I will do this.
However, I have spoken to my brother who is 18 and he has a career with the government, which involves him travelling around the world. I am at University and my 15 year old brother is in no position to look after my youngest brother ever (he can't even look after himself).
As selfish as it may sound, but for my whole life I have been held back by this monster (my father) from doing well (he even refused to let me to go to uni and kicked me out of the house). Now my life has improved 100 fold and I see no limit in how far I can go! I want to build a career and become highly successful and meet the girl of my dreams, etc.
However much I do love my four year old brother - I don't want to look after him (buy a house, take him to school, etc) as this in turn is going to affect my life badly! I sound like such a selfish brat that cares only about himself - but I think it is selfish of my mother to say its going to be me dealing with his future and to forget about mine! I want to travel to world, climb the career ladder, etc - not get tied down by a kid! Im really sensible and do not want children until I am roughly 30 or so.
I see this as my mum saying "you will forget whatever life you wanted - your now going to have a kid". I don't want to! Its my life, and I have worked really hard to battle and fight for everything and now I am finally free I am dragged back down!
My father will no doubt fight me for custody if something were to happen to my mother. I cannot and will not let my little brother ever have the childhood I had (being beaten, etc) - not ever. However - if my heart really isn't into looking after my youngest brother - what happens to him!
What do I do? I can't compromise, because to me it seems like someone is asking me to forget my life to continue someone's else's. I never see my dad, and do not want to (last time I did he tried to kill me - no joke).
OK - its a horrible subject but I want to address this NOW - not when my mum passes away (she's in a bad condition and as horrible as it sounds - I'll be suprised if in 5 years she is alive).
Help me TSR members!
Some sensible advice from yourselves on what you think I should do, etc would be highly appreciated!
Scroll to see replies
Anubis
Dear TSR members I would like you to reply to a problem I have - and it is real:
The situation I am in seems to be very awkward. I am a 20 year old guy that is currently attending University and have 3 brothers that are 18, 15 and 4 years of age.
My mum currently has arthritis and has now been diagnosed with lupus and is also going blind. She is in her early forty's and has split from my father. I'm really sorry to hear this. I also have to pint out that what I say should only give ideas, not to instantly go along with it!
The problem I have is that my father is in no shape what so ever to look after my little brother if my mum were to pass away. Recent incidents includes trying to kill himself twice and put us all in danger that involved the police a few times. My mum has told me that if anything were to happen to her, then I am going to be responsible for looking after my four year old brother. I have to apparently sign this legal binding contract saying that I will do this.
However, I have spoken to my brother who is 18 and he has a career with the government, would he not be willing to give some of this up and help you out, besides you are a family which involves him travelling around the world. I am at University and my 15 year old brother is in no position to look after my youngest brother ever (he can't even look after himself).
As selfish as it may sound, but for my whole life I have been held back by this monster (my father) from doing well (he even refused to let me to go to uni and kicked me out of the house). Now my life has improved 100 fold and I see no limit in how far I can go! I want to build a career and become highly successful and meet the girl of my dreams, etc.
However much I do love my four year old brother - I don't want to look after him (buy a house, take him to school, etc) as this in turn is going to affect my life badly! I sound like such a selfish brat that cares only about himself - but I think it is selfish of my mother to say its going to be me dealing with his future and to forget about mine! I want to travel to world, climb the career ladder, etc - not get tied down by a kid! Im really sensible and do not want children until I am roughly 30 or so. It sounds as though you have an idea of what you want in life. I personally think it is wrong for your mother to be suggesting to give up what you know you can do in life, Having a child, your own or caring, will cause dramatic changes
I see this as my mum saying "you will forget whatever life you wanted - your now going to have a kid". I don't want to! Its my life, and I have worked really hard to battle and fight for everything and now I am finally free I am dragged back down!
My father will no doubt fight me for custody if something were to happen to my mother. I cannot and will not let my little brother ever have the childhood I had (being beaten, etc) - not ever. However - if my heart really isn't into looking after my youngest brother - what happens to him! How about other relatives... would anyone be willing to take care of him?
What do I do? I can't compromise, because to me it seems like someone is asking me to forget my life to continue someone's else's. I never see my dad, and do not want to (last time I did he tried to kill me - no joke). I don't blame you for not wanting to see your dad. However, do you not think he would change???
OK - its a horrible subject but I want to address this NOW - not when my mum passes away (she's in a bad condition and as horrible as it sounds - I'll be suprised if in 5 years she is alive).
Help me TSR members!
The situation I am in seems to be very awkward. I am a 20 year old guy that is currently attending University and have 3 brothers that are 18, 15 and 4 years of age.
My mum currently has arthritis and has now been diagnosed with lupus and is also going blind. She is in her early forty's and has split from my father. I'm really sorry to hear this. I also have to pint out that what I say should only give ideas, not to instantly go along with it!
The problem I have is that my father is in no shape what so ever to look after my little brother if my mum were to pass away. Recent incidents includes trying to kill himself twice and put us all in danger that involved the police a few times. My mum has told me that if anything were to happen to her, then I am going to be responsible for looking after my four year old brother. I have to apparently sign this legal binding contract saying that I will do this.
However, I have spoken to my brother who is 18 and he has a career with the government, would he not be willing to give some of this up and help you out, besides you are a family which involves him travelling around the world. I am at University and my 15 year old brother is in no position to look after my youngest brother ever (he can't even look after himself).
As selfish as it may sound, but for my whole life I have been held back by this monster (my father) from doing well (he even refused to let me to go to uni and kicked me out of the house). Now my life has improved 100 fold and I see no limit in how far I can go! I want to build a career and become highly successful and meet the girl of my dreams, etc.
However much I do love my four year old brother - I don't want to look after him (buy a house, take him to school, etc) as this in turn is going to affect my life badly! I sound like such a selfish brat that cares only about himself - but I think it is selfish of my mother to say its going to be me dealing with his future and to forget about mine! I want to travel to world, climb the career ladder, etc - not get tied down by a kid! Im really sensible and do not want children until I am roughly 30 or so. It sounds as though you have an idea of what you want in life. I personally think it is wrong for your mother to be suggesting to give up what you know you can do in life, Having a child, your own or caring, will cause dramatic changes
I see this as my mum saying "you will forget whatever life you wanted - your now going to have a kid". I don't want to! Its my life, and I have worked really hard to battle and fight for everything and now I am finally free I am dragged back down!
My father will no doubt fight me for custody if something were to happen to my mother. I cannot and will not let my little brother ever have the childhood I had (being beaten, etc) - not ever. However - if my heart really isn't into looking after my youngest brother - what happens to him! How about other relatives... would anyone be willing to take care of him?
What do I do? I can't compromise, because to me it seems like someone is asking me to forget my life to continue someone's else's. I never see my dad, and do not want to (last time I did he tried to kill me - no joke). I don't blame you for not wanting to see your dad. However, do you not think he would change???
OK - its a horrible subject but I want to address this NOW - not when my mum passes away (she's in a bad condition and as horrible as it sounds - I'll be suprised if in 5 years she is alive).
Help me TSR members!
I just want to say good luck in whatever you do and that I am sure what you decide will be for the best. You should talk to your family about this and maybe seek external guidance.
are there any other relatives? grandparents and aunts that will share the burden? also what are you doing at uni... for how many years?
Are there no other relatives that could look after your brother(s)? E.g. grandparents, aunt/uncles, cousins, maybe they'd be willing to look after them.
Do social services know how badly your dad treated you as a child? Would you be willing to tell them and could you back up such claims if necessary so to prevent your brother getting taken by him?- In which case maybe he could go into foster-care? He'd probably be too old to be adopted and your mum and brother wouldn't want that.
Maybe he could go into foster-care while you arrange your life into some sort of stable environment in which you could support him?- I'm sure you wouldn't have to put your life totally on hold, friends could look after him when you're away and through benefits and work you could afford child-care.
Sorry, I'm just throwing ideas around, there are a lot of options. I don't think you should sign a contract without being willing to follow it through though.
Hope you're ok.
Do social services know how badly your dad treated you as a child? Would you be willing to tell them and could you back up such claims if necessary so to prevent your brother getting taken by him?- In which case maybe he could go into foster-care? He'd probably be too old to be adopted and your mum and brother wouldn't want that.
Maybe he could go into foster-care while you arrange your life into some sort of stable environment in which you could support him?- I'm sure you wouldn't have to put your life totally on hold, friends could look after him when you're away and through benefits and work you could afford child-care.
Sorry, I'm just throwing ideas around, there are a lot of options. I don't think you should sign a contract without being willing to follow it through though.
Hope you're ok.
foster care isnt a bad idea actually.... you brothers can be close by... will have a stable home.... and will be able to come to you with needs without you having to put your life on hold...
but as saffie said social services might be able to help.
but as saffie said social services might be able to help.
Right to start preparing now, although only you can make such important decisions. Certainly talking to friends is important - are there any other sympathetic relatives you could talk to? Probably worth getting professinal advice (off the record professional advice so you don't 'trip' events into formal procedures starting before you're ready to deal with them). What's important at this stage is to keep the options open and not allow yourself to be forced down avenues that later you might feel innapropriate. Good luck anyway.
Thanks for the replys so far.
My grandparents, are too old to look after my 4 year old brother and virtually looked after me and my other 2 brothers during childhood. They are over 70. My aunts and uncles are too 'distant' and the court will likely see them as 2nd best.
As for my father- he will never change, not at all. He used to hurt my mum when they first met and still did during their relationship. Since myself and my brothers came along in life, we were also subjected to the abusive behaviour of his.
My grandparents, are too old to look after my 4 year old brother and virtually looked after me and my other 2 brothers during childhood. They are over 70. My aunts and uncles are too 'distant' and the court will likely see them as 2nd best.
As for my father- he will never change, not at all. He used to hurt my mum when they first met and still did during their relationship. Since myself and my brothers came along in life, we were also subjected to the abusive behaviour of his.
If you could, perhaps both? Have your life but incorporate your brother into it. You have that responsibility as the eldest and yet you deserve also to have certain freedoms...It is not selfish to want you get on with your life and fulfill dreams etc
Is there no one else that could care for your brother? It seems a little selfish perhaps of your second brother to leave it all up to you - you both have that responsibility to your younger sibling simply as you are both older. But it should not have to dramatically affect your lives. =0(
Hopefully, although you said it was unlikely your mum's conditions may improve or at least become more stable. If not you may have to take on that role as carer to your brother - all the best but there are ways of coping with that strain, childminders, goverment funds etc
Is there no one else that could care for your brother? It seems a little selfish perhaps of your second brother to leave it all up to you - you both have that responsibility to your younger sibling simply as you are both older. But it should not have to dramatically affect your lives. =0(
Hopefully, although you said it was unlikely your mum's conditions may improve or at least become more stable. If not you may have to take on that role as carer to your brother - all the best but there are ways of coping with that strain, childminders, goverment funds etc
Anubis
As for my father- he will never change, not at all. He used to hurt my mum when they first met and still did during their relationship. Since myself and my brothers came along in life, we were also subjected to the abusive behaviour of his.
That way he won't be able to look after your brother and he could go to aunt/uncles?Anubis
Thanks for the replys so far.
My grandparents, are too old to look after my 4 year old brother and virtually looked after me and my other 2 brothers during childhood. They are over 70. My aunts and uncles are too 'distant' and the court will likely see them as 2nd best.
As for my father- he will never change, not at all. He used to hurt my mum when they first met and still did during their relationship. Since myself and my brothers came along in life, we were also subjected to the abusive behaviour of his.
My grandparents, are too old to look after my 4 year old brother and virtually looked after me and my other 2 brothers during childhood. They are over 70. My aunts and uncles are too 'distant' and the court will likely see them as 2nd best.
As for my father- he will never change, not at all. He used to hurt my mum when they first met and still did during their relationship. Since myself and my brothers came along in life, we were also subjected to the abusive behaviour of his.
Are they too distant in terms of next of kin or location?
If the time ever comes that you do ever have to look after your brother then you can still do all the things that you have dreamt of. As his guardian then you would get a lot of financial help whilst at uni whch would see you both through. I have a 2 year old son and I know of course your situation is different but I am sure you could cope. You sound very mature. I also have lupus and know what a debilitating disease it can be so I wish you and your family well. What ever happens there will always be financial support available and I am sure that there must be some kind of scheme which could help you wit your brother. I wish you the best of luck xx
Natmarjus
If the time ever comes that you do ever have to look after your brother then you can still do all the things that you have dreamt of. As his guardian then you would get a lot of financial help whilst at uni whch would see you both through. I have a 2 year old son and I know of course your situation is different but I am sure you could cope. You sound very mature. I also have lupus and know what a debilitating disease it can be so I wish you and your family well. What ever happens there will always be financial support available and I am sure that there must be some kind of scheme which could help you wit your brother. I wish you the best of luck xx
Good for you =0)
Social servcies are aware of his actions before - this will help my case. However, he is STILL allowed to see my four year old brother every sunday due to some judge's decision - stupid ******. I could have hit him there and then, letting my brother get put into that mans arms. 
I could have a word with aunts, etc - but its not one of those things that I can say "o, can I have a quick word with you - can you look after little bro when mum dies". Do you think a family get together would be the best bet? Thats all I can think of
I could have a word with aunts, etc - but its not one of those things that I can say "o, can I have a quick word with you - can you look after little bro when mum dies". Do you think a family get together would be the best bet? Thats all I can think of
Anubis
Social servcies are aware of his actions before - this will help my case. However, he is STILL allowed to see my four year old brother every sunday due to some judge's decision - stupid ******. I could have hit him there and then, letting my brother get put into that mans arms.
I could have a word with aunts, etc - but its not one of those things that I can say "o, can I have a quick word with you - can you look after little bro when mum dies". Do you think a family get together would be the best bet? Thats all I can think of
I could have a word with aunts, etc - but its not one of those things that I can say "o, can I have a quick word with you - can you look after little bro when mum dies". Do you think a family get together would be the best bet? Thats all I can think of
Can I ask why you think your mum might pass? Has the doctor implied that this might be the case? Lupus is not a deadly as it once was, in fact the percentage of people that die from it now is very low. Can I ask what type she has?
Anubis
Social servcies are aware of his actions before - this will help my case. However, he is STILL allowed to see my four year old brother every sunday due to some judge's decision - stupid ******. I could have hit him there and then, letting my brother get put into that mans arms.
I could have a word with aunts, etc - but its not one of those things that I can say "o, can I have a quick word with you - can you look after little bro when mum dies". Do you think a family get together would be the best bet? Thats all I can think of
I could have a word with aunts, etc - but its not one of those things that I can say "o, can I have a quick word with you - can you look after little bro when mum dies". Do you think a family get together would be the best bet? Thats all I can think of
If that is the best way to go about it then yes. Have a discussion with family members and see what they think is best. Some of them may not even like the idea of you taking care of your brother and may actually be prepared to take on that role as carer...
Not to put you in a negative light, sorry if it seems that way orientated.
Anubis
Social servcies are aware of his actions before - this will help my case. However, he is STILL allowed to see my four year old brother every sunday due to some judge's decision - stupid ******. I could have hit him there and then, letting my brother get put into that mans arms.
I could have a word with aunts, etc - but its not one of those things that I can say "o, can I have a quick word with you - can you look after little bro when mum dies". Do you think a family get together would be the best bet? Thats all I can think of
I could have a word with aunts, etc - but its not one of those things that I can say "o, can I have a quick word with you - can you look after little bro when mum dies". Do you think a family get together would be the best bet? Thats all I can think of
why don't you ask your mum to talk to your aunts? It's not your responsibility. I think filling them in with a letter could be an idea.
The advice from people here seems to be better than anything I could say. Never feel that you are alone and there is no-one you can talk to. Somewhere there will always be someone thinking of you, loving you and who will do anything to help you. If you ever need a friend there will always be people there for you.
Hmmm....as bad as this may sound, but I am not sure what type of lupus she has. All I know is that her organs are shutting themselves down. All she can do is sleep during most of the day due to being constantly tired, and some days cannot even get out of bed.
It makes me sad, but at the same time it makes me appreciate what I have - my whole life ahead of me, and this is the time I can do what life is intended for - to live it to the max. I can't be this big successful person unless I get the chance to do what I intend to do until I am at least 30. After this age, I will be more than happy to help any family member in this situation.
It makes me sad, but at the same time it makes me appreciate what I have - my whole life ahead of me, and this is the time I can do what life is intended for - to live it to the max. I can't be this big successful person unless I get the chance to do what I intend to do until I am at least 30. After this age, I will be more than happy to help any family member in this situation.
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