I'm going through really bad time at the monment and I dont know what to do about it. 3 years ago my mum and my stepdad broke up after being together for 7 years. I felt so bad and not long after i started to go through periods where i would restrict my food intake.
I'd do this for around 1-2 weeksat a time. I'd restrict my calorie intake to around 500cal a day, i'd try to exercise more etc etc. But eventually i'd snap out of it, telling myself it was not a good thing to do. However I always slipped back into it.
I have really low self esteem, i constantly think pople are waqtching me and judging me. I hate myself when I look in the mirror and just wish i was someone different.
But, in september i started college and things seem to have gotten 10x worse. I'm a total perfectionist and my teachers pressure me to get very high grades. I feeled stressed and like I've failed when i get less than 95% on anything. I find myself redoing homework multiple times. I spend hours revising for tests. I don't want to go out with or meet up with my friends - i'm always making up excuses. To be honest I just feel like evrything is mouning up on me.
I'm coming home at night and crying in my bedroom. Just after New Year I also cut myself during one of my crying sessions. I've only done it once again since then and I feel so disgusted with myself that I self harmed. My eating is also worse than ever, since I started college i've lost a stone and I've also purged food a few times and started having massive binges on food which just make me feel even worse - both of thse are things i never did before.
I'm also feeling guilty because 3 years ago, when i first started restricting my food, me and my friend did it together, unfortunately she ended up with full blown anorexia and before christmas was sectioned and is in hospital at the moment and i feel like it is my fault because I encouraged her and didn't tell anyone, even when it was obvious she was taking it too far.
Things are also bad at home, my mum is constantly stressed over money, she always seems to be shouting and i just cant stand being at home. I just really don't know who to turn to I dont want to tell my mum, because she is a mental health nurse so I just feel like she'd judge me or try to analyse me or think that im making it all up for attenetion. I just don't know how much more I can take.
Thank you for reading
Turn on thread page Beta
i think i need help watch
- Thread Starter
- 21-01-2010 20:07
- 22-01-2010 00:53
Just to start with, I've went through pretty much the same thing, so I think I understand how you're feeling; I reacted in the same way when my parents separated, and lost a lot of weight etc. I've also seen a friend be hospitalised for an ed, also exercise a lot, also am a perfectionist with relation to school work and also do not socialise. Honestly- although the problem feels so isolating, it's not as uncommon a situation as you may think.
It's hard for anyone to understand the situation unless they have actually experienced it personally. It's frustrating- you get into this mindset where you are simply not good enough and you focus all your attention on trying to be this idealistic person that is simply unattainable. OP, you really cannot continue on with this mindset-the longer you continue, the harder it is to get out off. You need to realise that what you are doing is not going to make you happy, as simple as it sounds. There is no quick-fix to the problem- this ideal person that you want to be simply does not exist- you are you, and drastically changing yourself for social acceptance is not going to make you feel any less insecure.
Firstly, don't be so hard on yourself. You cannot accept responsibility for your friend's eating disorder- it's hard not to feel guilty- it's hard watching them suffer and wishing you had done something to prevent it; but at the end of the day, you were presumably both at a very young and vulnerable age- it's hard, at that age, to recognise when a friend has taken things to far, and by the time you have recognised this, it's often too late- that's not your fault (particularly considering you were going through such a hard time too). Do not focus on the past though- it can't be changed, and no amount of regret will make any difference. You do have the ability to make things right though, if you look towards the future with a positive mindset. Just bear in mind that being hospitalised isn't necessarily a bad thing for her- in fact, the sectioning could be just the wake-up call she needs; sometimes, harsh realisation is the best way for eating disorder sufferers to finally accept help. Now that she is receiving medical attention, if she has the right support, she can get better. You can help her not to slip back into her old ways after she is discharged from hospital. After all, you understand her- you can nonjudgementally encourage her with the recovery process. It's not going to happen automatically- I've known a couple of people with eating disorders. As harsh as it sounds, one person I know who became anorexic and bulimic at around 13, and never received medical help, is still suffering from eating disorders 30 years later. My friend also became anorexic at that age, but was hospitalised for quite a while, and now, 3 years later, after counselling, has fully recovered. Clearly, that's no coincidence; getting help really is essential.
As you already mentioned, a lot of your problems stem from low self esteem. You need to find something to do that relaxes you, and that you don't feel guilty about. Try looking towards alternative methods of self-expression. Cutting, restricting and getting overly emotional are all unhealthy coping mechanisms- but ultimately, they all indicate that you're confused and frustrated and unhappy but don't know how to show it. Try not to blame yourself- it's hard to prevent these kind of things from happening, and when you get into that depressed state of mind, it's almost natural to resort to those unhealthy coping mechanisms; but that doesn't make it right. If you don't feel like talking to anyone, try and express your emotions in other ways- try art, poetry, writing, yoga or things like that. Sometimes, even just ranting into a diary can help. Those things may sound silly- but remember that they are a lot better than self-harm. Failing that, when things get on top of you, put on a playlist of your favourite songs and go for walk.
On a more longterm basis, you should find some hobbies to take your mind off things, or consider getting a part-time job? Spending large amounts of time alone, feeling like no-one understands you, becomes very frustrating and spirals you further into this self-destructive state. I know this from experience- I spend months barely speaking at all, not seeing anyone except relatives, and during this time, I sort of relapsed into an eating disorder I'd had three years before then, except this time, I used all the spare time to over-exercise. Things didn't get better until I finally just went out and got involved with things- I joined clubs, got a job, and had more to focus on in general; quite quickly, the eating disorder went away- I mean, I'm still not fully content, but things certainly aren't as bad as they were. However, for me, the problem was pretty much solely the result of lonliness and as it was quite shortterm, I was able to resolve it quite easily myself; on the other hand, your problems have spread over a longer period of time and would perhaps be best dealt with by confiding in others. Is there anyone at all who you could trust to confide in, who might understand? It doesn't have to be someone you're extremely close to- it can be a teacher, a friend, a family member, someone from your church, if you have one, anyone. Remember that people are a lot nicer about these things than you way originally think. It's part of human nature to want to help others, and bear in mind, that there's nothing wrong with asking for help- it's not a sign of weakness; in my opinion, it's actually a sign of courage- it's not something I would personally be brave enough to do, but I have a lot of respect for people who confide in others. It could really help you to talk to someone, even just to get things off your chest. Of course, counselling would be ideal- as complex as your problems may seem to you, remember that there are professionals who are qualified to deal with such issues; these people can help you- they're not going to be judgemental or overly analytical- they treat patients with these kinds of issues on a daily basis and therefore they can often be the best people to turn to, particularly when homelife isn't going well.
You do need support- nobody's perfect, and there's nothing wrong with asking for a bit of help. You can't carry on doing the things you are doing now- trust me on that one- it's a vicious cycle and you need to get out of it asap. Things can get better, and never forget that. If things continue to get out of hand, don't be afraid to come back on here and we'll do our best to advise you- don't feel that you have to suffer alone. Also, if you want to talk, just say- I wouldn't mind posting my username if you wanted someone who has been in the same position to pm.
All the best xx
- 22-01-2010 01:01
Anon 2, if you want repping for that awesome post you let me know. xx
(Original post by Double Agent)
- 22-01-2010 01:03
Anon 2, if you want repping for that awesome post you let me know. xx
- 23-01-2010 17:13
OP, I'm in recovery for an ED, have self harmed etc as well. The best thing to do is to tell someone. Is there as counsellor at college that you can talk to? They are so helpful! Or maybe going to see your GP? As your Mum is a mental health nurse, I highly doubt she'll judge you. I had to educate my Mum a lot about eating disorders after I told her, but your Mum probably already knows all of that, which means she knows that it's not attention seeking/just wanting to get down a dress size. She'll know that it's a serious mental health problem that often links itself with perfectionism.
If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. Going to see a school counsellor about it, and then going to my GP was the best decision I ever made. I don't spend all evening in my room crying. I'm able to go out with friends and eat in restaurants. I honestly can not tell you how amazing it is to walk into a restaurant and have no worries about the food!
Remember, no one is perfect and letting the eating disorder control you is not you being in control of things, you getting help and getting and feeling better is.