It's hard for me to cut this long story short, but I will try. I'll start from the beginning.
I am pretty positive that I am gay but due to being at school still I am very reluctant to come out because I know I could not face it in my current situation. I also cannot face telling my parents at this stage, because I know my dad will not be very happy about it and although I know my mum would support me, I can't pluck up the courage to do it because I know as soon as I do it will change our lives quite considerably.
Anyway, about a year ago now I developed serious feelings for a guy at school who I had been friends with for a while before, but it was around this time last year that we got very close. I fell for him big time and thought that he might have fallen for me because he was acting in ways which would probably be seen as abnormal for a straight guy, which led me to question his sexuality. Although I felt there was a chance he might like me back, I couldn't risk telling him my feelings and then him not feeling the same way for me and possibly ruining our friendship, and we had become extremely close friends.
As time went on, I started feeling less and less like he might actually have liked me in that 'way', and unlike before where he would seem very flirty towards me and not talk about girls or anything, he began talking about girls quite a lot and the flirty side seemed to disappear a fair bit, and I then began to face the likely reality that he was in fact straight. I was devestated every time he called another girl 'fit' or whatever.
I tried so desperately hard to get over him but it was so difficult for me because there was no doubt I was in love with him but it seemed we were never going to be anything more than best friends. Things changed a little in the summer as I met some new people and tried to be with them as much as possible because the more I was around this guy, the less chance I ever had of getting over him. It was horrible to have to do it like that but I gradually thought I might actually be getting over him, especially as I thought I had started liking someone else (who also turned out to be straight - well I think so anyway!).
However, recently we have become close again and I couldn't fight it, I didn't want to be distanced from him anymore and he shot right back into my life. I guess at this time I could control it though because although I knew it was very unlikely I was ever going to be with him, as long as he was single and devoted a fair amount of his attention towards me, at least that was something for me to cherish.
But now everything has fallen apart in front of my eyes. He began to get rather close to a girl at school and the agony of not knowing how he really felt about her was difficult, but all I could really do was hope nothing would end up coming of it. I wanted to talk to him about it as we are good friends but I guess I didn't want to hear what the answer might have been. Safe to say, he is now seeing this girl and they are a couple. I am still in love with him but now know that he must be straight and the thought of never being with him is heartbreaking, but what is even worse is the fact that someone else has got him and I haven't. It's easy to say that I will get over this eventually but for the majority of the last year I have been in love with this guy and nothing I seem to do can stop that.
I'm now so utterly depressed and don't know what to do with my life. I'm worried that my school work will be affected by this because I can't get it out of my head. I don't ever think I could commit suicide because I wouldn't have the bottle and I really don't want to get to that stage, but I have contemplated it. I do admit though that I seriously doubt I would ever take this form of action, but am worried because the thought has crossed my mind.
I wish I could talk to someone I know and can trust, but I don't feel like I trust anybody at school enough to tell them my sexuality and my feelings. I wish I could open up to him about how I feel but I am so fearful of him rejecting me and us losing our friendship. I wish I could tell my mum but I'm so scared of her and my dad's reactions.
Is there any way I can get out of this awful mess and stop myself feeling so utterly depressed?
Heartbroken, and nowhere to turn... Watch
- Thread Starter
- 23-01-2010 02:03
- 23-01-2010 02:40
I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation, I really feel sorry for you. The best way to think about it I suppose is that whether by a male or female regardless, you have had your heart broken. With any heartbreak it is hard but you need to just try and keep going and let time heal things. It never seems like you will get over it but you will in time. When you are ready to "come out" it will be difficult but once its done its done and you can live your life.
You must just remember that whatever their reaction you did not chose to feel the way you do and therefore you have no reason to feel bad. It may take time for your parents to adjust but that is their issue and they must understand that you have not deliberatley decided to become gay to make their lives difficult, its about you and supporting you because it is a difficult transition to make for anyone.
As for the guy you love, take comfort in knowing he does not feel that way and other men full stop and it has nothing to do with you or your personality as he seems to find you a great companion. You need to get a little distance and focus your energies on other friends/studies/hobbies etc for a little while to clear your head. None of this is easy but I have no doubt you will pull through. Please do not consider ending your life over this. Love comes and goes but you only get one life. x
- Thread Starter
- 23-01-2010 15:00
Thanks very much for your reply, and thanks for your sympathy. You are right about the whole 'coming out' thing, and I know that my mum would never disown me or be angry with me for it, but I do feel that it would possibly change certain things about our relationship and although she would probably support me, I still feel very reluctant to tell her because then I would have to tell her about the whole situation with this guy and I'm not sure I'm ready to spill all this information out in one go, and it could be quite a lot to take.
As for him, I know I need to try and avoid him a little to try and get over him but I find it extremely difficult doing that because although it pains me to know I will never be with him, the thought of not seeing him at all just makes me feel worse. It seems everything is just a lose-lose situation for me at the moment. The other thing is, this girl he's going out with is apparently a bit of a **** and I'm worried that she might just take advantage of him and use him, which also makes me feel terrible, but I also feel completely helpless. I'd like to discuss it with him but I'm not sure I would be able to just talk to him about it 'normally' like two close friends would, because then I have to pretend that I'm pleased for him and whatnot, when really it's killing me that he's with her.
I can't see myself ever committing suicide over this, as you say, you only get one life and although I feel like it isn't worth living, I know I have to try and stay strong, for my family's sake if nothing else. The problem is, I know some people would just think "there's plenty more fish in the sea" but I hate that expression and when you become so attached to someone, you don't want any other fish, and the way I feel right now, I only want him...
- 22-06-2010 18:14
I had my heart broken by a guy years ago in exactly the same way. We were together, then he was toying with becoming a catholic priest and now he is married and has 3 kids!
I still haven;t gone over it but with time things have healed a bit. The guy was just messed up about his sexuality and his way of dealing with it was by trying to suppress it. Unfortunately I ended up paying the price.
Try to move on as best you can. You will have some difficult times and some happier times. I tried to cope by sleeping around and it was just as bad. Until I met someone else and it was then easier to move on.