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Non-monogamous relationships. Your opinion? watch

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    (Original post by EM(Lin))
    Interesting replies. I'm personally cynical about the idea of there being a "one true love" for everyone (although I am aware that many people do have wonderful life-long relationships), and I think the idea of only being attracted to one person is contrived in most cases, which is why I would consider trying this. However, on the flip side I don't know how I'd handle the reality of it. Do you think this is because of the way our society has developed, with this sort of thing being considered taboo, or is it just a part of human nature to be "jealous," as one reply put it? And the point raised about STIs is obviously valid.
    I definitely think it's the jealousy that would put people off. I too think that polygamy and open relationships (albeit the two are not exactly the same thing) are things that can be healthy for some relationships... but I also know that I'd probably get jealous and insecure if my partner had another partner.

    In addition to that, I don't think any of us here have had/know anyone who has had a polygamous relationship, so we aren't totally sure whether or not they'd actually work!
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    (Original post by PearlyWhites)
    Yeah it's his problem if he gets somebody pregnant and you could easily walk away. So if he gives you AIDS, then it wouldn't be so easy would it. What would you do then? And how could you be mad with him, when you've given him permission to go off with other women? We all know condoms aren't 100% secure, hence why you take the pill too. How is the pill going to protect you from diseases?

    But more importantly, how could you be fine with the fact that your man would go and have sex with other women simply because you allowed him to? Personally, I'd have to question our 'relationship' and how he views me, if he doesn't mind sharing me with a ton of other guys. Why elevate this 'arrangement' as being a 'relationship'? It's no more than **** buddies.
    Firstly, why the hell would he give me AIDS? He'd be wearing a condom whilst sleeping with me. The chance of him having AIDS and the condom breaking and giving it to me would be slim to none.
    Furthermore, you dont have to be in an open relationship to contract as STD. The pill doesnt protect against disease no, but the condom does. So if I use both I'm pretty much sorted.

    And yes, I would be fine with him sleeping with other women, because hear this - sleeping with the same person over and over again is boring. I understand that.
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    I think open relationships are the way forward, they're hands down preferable to monogamy. Hopefully, in a couple of centuries we can look back at the idea of monogamous relationships and laugh.

    It's difficult to find people who are up for it though, my ex refused point blank.
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    I'd probably do it. Last time I was thinking of maybe getting into a relationship I was gonna ask for it to be open. It didn't happen though.
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    You'd have to be either exceptionally confident, abnormally blasé, or exercise a highly unusual sense of priorities. In any event, it isn't for me; although I've nothing but respect for those who can make it work.
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    I only have a crap analogy for this question: you can only have fudge cake after a huge pizza if you've not really eaten the pizza.
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    (Original post by PearlyWhites)
    Are you really that naive? Do you really think that all the people walking around England with AIDS didn't use condoms? The point I am trying to convey is: why put yourself at risk by agreeing to sleep with other people? In an age where claymediah (sp) and gonerriah (sp) are soooo common, why condone promiscuity?

    But obviously, if you don't mind your man playing pass-the-parcel with you then great! All I know is that no boyfriend of mine has wanted to share me. I guess I'm likey enough to have had someone who wanted me alll to himself :p:

    But I guess we'll have to agree to disagree now we know what each other thinks
    But surely you could argue that you're putting yourself at risk if you sleep with anyone who's not a virgin? Most people would probably sleep with several other people at some point in their lives after a monogamous relationship has failed. Wouldn't they be be running the same risk?
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    (Original post by PearlyWhites)
    yeah it is possible. But I would either:

    i) stay away from that person, so my feelings don't develop
    ii) leave my partner and embark on something new.

    But I would NEVER have sex with two people at once! Ever!
    Fair enough
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    (Original post by PearlyWhites)
    Are you really that naive? Do you really think that all the people walking around England with AIDS didn't use condoms? The point I am trying to convey is: why put yourself at risk by agreeing to sleep with other people? In an age where claymediah (sp) and gonerriah (sp) are soooo common, why condone promiscuity?

    But obviously, if you don't mind your man playing pass-the-parcel with you then great! All I know is that no boyfriend of mine has wanted to share me. I guess I'm likey enough to have had someone who wanted me alll to himself :p:

    But I guess we'll have to agree to disagree now we know what each other thinks
    Erm... well... yeah? I'm willing to bet the majority didn't. I alone know six people who are HIV+ (yes, six). Not one of them used protection. Do you have any idea how rare it is to a) catch HIV and b) catch it from a split condom? Extremely.

    And promiscuinity is fine providing you practise it safely.

    And I, too, have someone who wants me all to himself. I just think it would be better if he didnt.
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    What you're asking about, if I interpreted your original post correctly, is polyamory. There are many configurations to these sorts of relationships, such as triads, primary and secondary relationships (having a partner and a lover), and other more complex shapes.

    I have been part of a happy poly relationship for about 15 months now. I know it's not the right thing for everyone, but it definitely works for me!

    There is absolutely jealousy to deal with, and other struggles, but I've had a few monogamous relationships and I don't find those any easier! Every type of relationship is sometimes difficult, and requires work, trust, communication etc. But there are so many joys in love, it's well worth it! As for the jealousy specifically, it has its uncomfortable moments, but if you trust your partner, and communicate, it gets much easier! If I feel jealous for any reason, no matter how silly I think it might be, I can talk to my boyfriend about it freely and he will always reassure me. Plus, I know that when I'm with someone else it doesn't diminish my love for him. So why should it diminish his when he is with a lover? I don't believe that love is a finite thing; when he feels love for someone else, that doesn't take it away from me. For me, it feels like the more I give the more I have to give!

    Also, just because I COULD sleep around, doesn't mean that I do. In fact, I rarely do. I've had a few lovers over the course of our relationship, some of them for only a brief period of time, but no one night stands. Mostly I've had lovers that I continue to see over a longer period of time, usually a month or two at least.

    And we do have certain rules in our relationship, such as:
    - always use protection
    - ask for and give reassurance whenever necessary
    - we come first to each other
    - occasional periods of monogamy can be requested, such as on vacations together, when we haven't seen each other for a long time, when someone is dealing with something difficult in their life...

    There are lots of other things I could mention, but I'm getting kind of long winded here. :P A good further resource for the logistics of these sorts of things is a book called 'The Ethical Slut' by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. I'm not sure how widely available it is in the UK, but you could certainly order it from the US or Canada.

    Or if anyone has any questions, I'd be happy to answer. Not that I'm an expert exactly, I've been polyamorous barely over a year... but I'm still happy to share! Just please, be respectful with your questions. I understand that this isn't for everyone. Many people believe very strongly in monogamy, and I respect that. I hope that you will show me equal respect. I have made different choices in my life than most people, but I mean it as no affront to anyone. It's just the way I feel inspired to love.
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    I don't think someone could give two people equal attention in a relationship, if that makes sense. They could care for both people, but i think ultimately one person would be left out because i don't see non-monogamous relationships as long term.

    Also, idk how people do it. I can barely handle being in a relationship with one person (lots of effort, compromise etc) nevermind two.
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    (Original post by PearlyWhites)
    I see what your saying but no. I've met a lot of people who would get someone checked out before they slept with them. But i guess not everyone is like that so I can't make the assumption that most people do this. I do however, think that there's still a moral element to it. If we forget about the risk of diseases/babies, there's still the fact that you're sleeping with another person when you're in a relationship! I can't fathom this!
    What are your views btw?
    My view is that I would probably try it. I don't personally see it as immoral so long as it's consensual, but I can see how others might disagree. I think you can be attracted to, and maybe love, two or more people at the same time. But I'm not sure how well it would work in reality :p:
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    Ummm.......


    I'm potentially cool with it

    Depends who I was with


    I could do it with some girls but deffo not the majority
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    Upon thinking about it some more
    I'd probably be most cool with it if it was someone we would both share and both liked and both trusted rather than just ******* random strangers


    Polyamory can work
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    (Original post by HDS)
    Upon thinking about it some more
    I'd probably be most cool with it if it was someone we would both share and both liked and both trusted rather than just ******* random strangers


    Polyamory can work
    That's pretty much what I meant (although not necessarily "sharing" the same person). Polyamory is more what I was getting at than meaningless sex.
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    (Original post by EM(Lin))
    That's pretty much what I meant (although not necessarily "sharing" the same person). Polyamory is more what I was getting at than meaningless sex.


    Yes. Agreed, I said sharing because that seems like the simplest route to trust :p:


    But yeah polyamory could work as long as there is trust between all parties.


    Meaningless sex not so much with me i think




    Gratz on Ox btw.

    Damned oxonians...thinking you're better :rolleyes:
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    I don't think I'd like it.
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    I believe that you can love more than one person at once and that you can be committed to someone without being monogamous.
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    (Original post by HDS)
    Gratz on Ox btw.

    Damned oxonians...thinking you're better :rolleyes:
    Thanks Congratulations to you too. And although I obviously have to agree on the whole Ox vs Cam thing (woop woop Oxford!) why do you say that? :p:
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    I don't think it works to be honest. It's definitely not for me.
 
 
 
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