The Student Room Group

Life, Women!

Warning - LONG THREAD

Right, this is my rant about women and such and my life! Need some advice so take a read and any help is much appriciated.

OK, I had a really crappy experience with people when i joined secondary school. I was the only one from my previous school to go etc and people were just generally immature and got me down! This in turn lowered my self confidence and esteam and i started to get quite depressed from a young age. I became known as the 'miserable or quite one' amongst my 'friends' which is hard to get out of! I had the kind of depression where my mood changed rapidly depending on what was going on.

Anyway in year 10 (aged 15) i met my g/f and things were great! Suddenly i cared less about what people thought and i felt wanted, she made me feel good. Gradually as our relationship grew she seemed to life me less and less in a physical sense. We started having sex and stuff (now a bit older 16-17)which seemed great at the time but it rapidly went down hill when she started to seem uninterested in sex or even intimacy at all. This kicked in my low self-esteam problem again and i began to feel really down as i did before.

I became quite controlling over her and very paranoid about who she was with and why etc when she went out or i wasnt there. I figured that if she wasnt intimate with me but wanted to find it elsewhere it was all because of me and this made the situation much worse. By now we were both aware that i was paranoid about it and it caused arguements and things which made it even worse as we grew apart.

In the last 6-8 months of our relationship she began to stop kissing me and she never initiated sex. It was always me who had to otherwise it just wouldent happen... I felt like she wasnt bothered at all. I spoke to her about it and she insisted that she 'just wasnt very touchy-feely'. You can imagine how i felt about that though...

When we did have sex she would seem tired and uninterested which made me feel awful. Ofcourse me being paranoid was all that she focused on and never addressed that the problem might be because she was neglecting me.

Over this year i was an emotional wreck. Very depressed, little interest in hobbies, i stopped working out, something that is very important to me and things like that. I would always wonder where she was and what she was doing and could be quite assertive sometimes about what she got up to. I just hated the thought of her out with other people and being attracted to other men when she had such little interest in me. She insisted that she loved me and i do/did really care about and love her but was facing a hard time with our relationship as we were always arguing.

Her friends (sorry ladies in advance) did the women thing and all focused on my bad side (paranoid, control) and never thought about my side of the story. Of course they stuck up for her and this made things worse as i ended up arguing with them a lot about it.

As if i wasnt depressed enough she calls me and talks about breaking up with me. She said she was tired of me asking her where she was and what she was doing and the fact that i was controlling over her. I agreed with her, its not as if i started off or wanted to be like that with her but it developed as a result of my low self esteam and her neglect of me.

Of course, im a man and therefore it was my fault.

Anyway we broke up for a short period and got back togther again but things were pretty bad. She 'loved me' but never showed it at all, not in the bedroom or even just a hug or kiss. dead.

I found out that she was telling her friends that she was ready to move on and wasnt interested in me anymore so i confronted her about it. I said that she needed to do what made her happy and if it meant breaking up with me then thats what needed to happen. I made it clear that i wasnt going to be strung along like she had been doing and so a week ago we broke up for good.

We are still friends but she seemed so happy so quickly. This made me feel awful. After 2 and a half years she got over it very very quickly. I was extremely depressed and even suicidal one day (not joking i did think about it)

A week on im trying not to think about her, im no longer bothered really about what she does or anything and im trying to be positive about it. Ive been out most nights without her and met new people, done different things - even saw an ex girlfriend in the pub which was fun.

Im feeling like im the most important person in my life again and so have much more self confidence. I decided being so depressed wasnt the way forward and im actually reasonably happy which is a great achievement for me.

Im looking forward to Uni at Portsmouth in September but i just worry that the same thing will happen all over again if i meet someone else.

Your probably thinking im screwed up, i think i am but it just annoys me becuase all i ever wanted was someone who cared for me and made me feel good about myself - is that so wrong?

The truth is, relationships scare me now

Sorry for this long moan, if you have some time then please offer some advice, is this behaviour fairly normal etc

Obviously the stuff that i have written hasnt covered everything but i could go on all night!

Thanks in advance :musicus:

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1
I think you have gone about this in a very mature way, and have recognised that both of you had reasons why the relationship began to not work. You must remember, first "love" is very hard to let go, but not all girlfriends will be the same, and do not shut out the possibility of gaining a new girlfriend because of what happened with your ex. It is good you can see that it is important to consider your own needs now and regain any self-esteem. You said you used to work out alot? If you stopped it may have brought your mood down more, as reguilar exercise often makes people happier? Try and enjoy single life, and take things as they come when girls are involved. If you think about relationships too much, you may get distressed by it. Good luck
Reply 2
ummm my only advice would be - people dont like clingy... you kinda seem to understand that but woah Oo you seemed a bit psycho at times when explaining...
just loosen up ._.
Reply 3
sarforaz
ummm my only advice would be - people dont like clingy... you kinda seem to understand that but woah Oo you seemed a bit psycho at times when explaining...
just loosen up ._.


That's abit unsympathetic! If someone was neglecting you that much it's understandable you would get paranoid! Especially for such a long time.
You mentioned the you started thinking that you were the most important person in your life. Never stop thinking that. Even if you have a girlfriend, best friends, your family. Whatever happens to them you are still the most important person, never give up on yourself. Of course care about them and therefore you are entitled to worry about them, but don't let your feelings for them get in the way of your own well being. If they really care about you then they will want you to look after yourself. This will sound like a horrible thing to say but you last girl obviously could not have cared about you much otherwise she would not have let you get into the state you were in and she would have done everything in her power to help you, i know i would for my boyfriend. Don't worry, you will find someone who really cares about you and when you do they will make you the happiest man alive.
Reply 5
You are most important person you'll ever know....why not give yourself an autograph (sorry unhelpful but humour is always good)
Reply 6
Aw.. sounds like you've been through a tough time. What you're doing is definitely the right way to go about things - getting out there and meeting new people, and don't be so harsh on yourself! It's only been a week, you can't expect to be completely over it and ready for another relationship immediately! It could take months or years for you not to be scared of having another relationship. You both contributed to the break up, and hopefully at least this has taught you that you can be possessive.. From what you've said though it wasn't just you being unreasonable. I don't think the girl was right for you, from the info you've given. Your bad experiences have given you a tendancy to get quite paranoid, and yes you need to try to keep things in perspective, but equally you need a girl who can understand you and work with it. Just because of this one bad experience you shouldn't be afraid of ever trying again. One day you're going to meet a girl who's right for you and you can just enjoy being with because you'll truly get each other. Good luck in the meantime, concentrate on enjoying yourself :smile:.

Cxx
Reply 7
I think you did a good job breaking up with her, coz I don't think she loved you from the info you gave. So well done on that. I think what you need to do now is make yourself feel good about yourself, if that makes sense. Work on your confidence (I think there was a thread on confidence some time ago). Next time IF this happens again (touch wood) try not to be so controlling and just let her go. Because as you've learnt being controlling doesn't work and only pushes the other person away.

Good luck with meeing nicer people at Portsmouth :smile:
Reply 8
Thanks for your nice comments guys with the exception of sarforaz

I agree with you all about what you have said and i do need to concentrate on me and not worry to much about life. Im not feeling all sorry for myself and stuff but i have had a rough time and its nice that you guys (unlike anyone i really know) can understand that my behaviour was a result of neglect and not becuase im a bad person.

Thanks again - any more input most welcome
Reply 9
Look boy boy, this is how it is...

You showed great maturity in the breaking up shenanigans. It was your fault though. Paranoia and being clingy are relationship killers. Relationship problems are always brought on by jealousy. You did good though kid.

Stop with the suicidal crap though. That aint gon' do anything for anyone.
Reply 10
Fair comment, i dont agree with you though, if you were in my position are you saying you wouldent have been jealous? I think anyone would.

Oh and dont call me kid or boy its very patronising...
Reply 11
Your still young! Move on and be happy. Just think of it this way. Shes missing out on you!
Reply 12
adamu
Fair comment, i dont agree with you though, if you were in my position are you saying you wouldent have been jealous? I think anyone would.

Oh and dont call me kid or boy its very patronising...


I didn't say you had to agree with me but jealousy is the number one relationship killer and its best to be banished. I'm sure most people would be jealous, I didn't say they wouldn't, it still doesn't deter from the fact that its the number 1 relationship killer.

I call my Pops boy boy....its a term of endearment. Calm down kid. Catching feelings over the net aint WHOA!
Reply 13
ok mate
Reply 14
anyone else have any thoughts?
Reply 15
I think you handled it fine and you didn't do anything wrong. I think a lot of people would do the same. It sounds like you grew apart but whereas you made the effort to stay together, she didn't. You should never feel paranoid about where your girl is, she should let you know where she is (so you don't worry about her as well!) and she should make you feel loved and like she's not gonna hurt you.

You'll find someone else soon enough :smile: Take care
From what you said, you noticed early on that things werent working out, the lack of intimacy from her, was a big sign things werent going too well.

i think that maybe then wouldve been the time to break things off and it would have spared you some heart ache.

my advice is next time round, look out for signs like that.

but try to be positive. not all relationships work like that.

personally if i were you, next time you start a relationship, just aim for it to be fun, less serious, more easygoing, thats the good thing about being our age, you just want to have a laugh, leave the rest of your life for serious relationships.

anyway, not sure if any of that was helpful at all.
take it easy x x x
Reply 17
thanks guys
Reply 18
sarforaz
ummm my only advice would be - people dont like clingy... you kinda seem to understand that but woah Oo you seemed a bit psycho at times when explaining...
just loosen up ._.

thats the worst advice I'v ever heard, you should be ashamed of yourself
Reply 19
agreed - did you actually read what i wrote?