I've wasted a lot of my life because I can't go out, I can't meet people, I can't let people see me or get to know me. I feel trapped but I can't stop this.
I spend months on end in isolation, only coming down from my room 2 times a day to eat breakfast and dinner and then I lock myself in my room again. In fact I've been like this for nearly 8 years. Just sitting, reading a book or on the internet. That's my life now and has been for ages.
Nobody likes me. Even children stay away from me. I can't blame them really I hate me too. I want to be like others, to have a normal life but I know that isn't possible.
I've tried so hard to change myself but nothing works. My parents worry about me, telling me that there is more to life then sitting in bed all day but I mess everything up. I've been college many times and messed it up due to absence. I then somehow passed college with one of the top marks in class even though I didn't go in to hardly any lessons. I'm not clever, never have been but I tried my best at home because I wanted things to change so bad.
I went uni and although I made some friends somehow, I hated going in. I felt uncomfortable there and left. Too fat, too ugly, too boring, too weird surrounded by people.
I re-started uni again in September but as I'd only been to class 2 days in 1 1/2 months I ended up leaving.
Now my parents think I'm still at uni, I haven't joined the jobcentre or bothered looking for a job and I am in dept. £2000 dept and I have no income.
I can't work though. How would anyone ever employ me? I feel sorry for any person that would. I doubt they'd keep me for long. Maybe they'd get rid of me on my first day.
I don't seem to care about anything. Even when I know I should care I push it to the back of my mind and forget it. I have no motivation, no interests, no nothing. I'm 23 and waiting to die already. I know I'll never have a realtionship with anyone, I won't have children, I won't have a job, no idependance. Nothing.
I never used to be like this. I was always shy but I used to have so many friends. In school I was one of the more poular girls and now I have not even one friend. I was always surrounded by people in school. I hated being alone. Now I don't even know how to act around people. I guess you forget these things.
I don't even talk to my family. If I'm ever in the same room which is rare now, I'll stay quiet. I don't remember the last time I actually had a conversation with my mum, my dad, my brother, anyone really.
Maybe I'm the biggest loser on earth right now. I wouldn't be shocked if I were.
I tried improving things. I thought I'd change my outer appearence so maybe then things could change. I'd be more confident perhaps and would perhaps find it easier to talk to people. I went on a strict diet. I lost a lot of weight. I ended up weighing 90lbs or there abouts but it did nothing for me. Everyone just worried about me more. I felt even more horrible and was hungry all the time. Scared to look at myself and scared to eat.
When I walked down the street I had people staring at me, calling me over and giving me their numbers. I didn't feel as invisible when I went out but it didn't make any difference. The other people, the ones that mattered were the same. Things were good for a little while but then they became worse. I lost more weight to make up for it but it did nothing good for me at all.
A guy who at first kept comlimenting me and my looks, turned around and said how although he thought I was beautiful, I was dead from inside. I was dull and boring and lifeless.
How can I go out and meet people when I know nobody wants to know me. I don't even want to know me.
I sometimes think I have mental issues. In a way it would be comforting to blame my failures on something out of my control. That seems so wrong but I hate being me so bad. Why can I not change? I haven't done anything good with my life and I seriously doubt I ever will.
I don't really know why I'm writing this but if nothing else comes out if it at least I've made whoever reads this feel much better about their own lives.
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I Am The Worlds Biggest Loser - Seriously :( watch
- Thread Starter
- 25-01-2010 01:20