Please keep anonymous, for obvious reasons
First off, I'm female.
All of my life I have struggled with defining my sexuality. Here's a brief life story for you to read
Ever since I can remember I have always accepted and embraced the possibility that I could be bisexual, though never really put all that much thought into it because I didn't really understand much about sexuality (I really was very young)
I remember being quite young (still in Primary school) and seeing pornography for the first time, and being aroused by the women solely. And then catching glimpses of page 3 girls and the such, and eventually fantasizing about girls, and only girls, while masturbating. Whilst I knew this was probably abnormal, it was such a personal thing which I only ever really thought about in the process, so it didn't really bother me. And again I was still quite young. However, any silly Primary Schoolgir crushes I had were only for the boys, of course they don't really mean much.
I then went to an all girls secondary school, and this continued. I didn't really know any boys at all, I still fantasized about girls, though I never ever looked at a girl in that way in real life, even though they were the only company I had. I never found them physically attractive, nor did I ever have any romantic feelings for any of them.
At around age 14/15 I started to meet some boys and got on really well with them. Crushes started to develop, and turned into infatuations, but this wasn't at all due to looks, just personality. At least I think so.
All of a sudden at age 15, me and my best friend (female) got closer and closer, until I eventually realised that I had developed very strong romantic feelings for her, yet I still never looked at her in a sexual way. She then one day confessed that she was bisexual, and that she'd had feelings for me for a long time (which I knew all along deep down, but was overjoyed when it was confirmed). She was my first ever kiss and we started a secret relationship. We fell in love, it lasted about 6 months, then it ended. Physically, our relationship never got too sexual, but it was definitely heading that way as we both wanted to. Yet I STILL wasn't physically attractted to her! It was more that the deep love and feelings I had for her made up for, and kind of took place of, the physical attraction that most people feel. So she still turned me on sexually, just from a different perspective, if you get what I'm saying.
Anyway, 8 months (after having another deep infatuation with one of my male friends and getting over that) I met a boy and got a crush on him. But again, I didn't really look at him in a sexual way. Anyway, turns out he had a crush on me too, and asked me out. He was my second kiss, and we are still together. The same feelings apply to him as did to my ex girlfriend.
Confused? I am!
I guess what I'm trying to work out is what's going on inside of me I've never known how to define myself, and a lot of the time it doesn't bother me, but sometimes it does. To make life easier, I always just say I'm bisexual. But I don't feel comfortable claiming that, because I don't feel like I am. I see boys and girls in a different way. I find girls bodies much more sexy (I've never looked at a naked man and felt aroused), yet I've only ever had crushes on boys. I think I'm more attracted to boys' personalities. I can appreciate if a person looks pretty or beautiful, and frequently do, regardless of gender. But never in my life have I looked at somebody and thought "corrr, I would". I just don't see people that way.
I recently stumbled across the term 'asexual biromantic' and thought I finally had a way of expressing my sexuality! But after research, the word asexual generally means somebody who has no sexual desires, which clearly is not the case for me.
Sooooo, what would you define me as? And is anybody else out there in a similar situation to me?
Thank you for your patience and for reading this very, very long post.
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Sexual orientation watch
- 26-01-2010 13:53
- 26-01-2010 17:52
Personally, I don't see that you need to define as anything other than bisexual. For the purposes of social interaction and finding a date (if you were single) you are bisexual. If this will affect your relationships then that's something which you would have to share, but otherwise it's no-one else's business. However, I see the need to be able to identify yourself; but sometimes people don't fit exactly in a box.
I feel vaguely similar, if you want to talk, PM me.
- 26-01-2010 17:54
Oh mama, too hot, too spicy, hot hot hot!
- 26-01-2010 17:58
personally you shouldn't feel the need to define your sexuality as anything you are you and enjoy what you enjoy but i do understand how you feel i am a lesbian and it took me years to finally truly come to terms so i know your struggle finding yourself as it is a long one, if you want to talk more about anything you are confused about feel free to PM me
- 26-01-2010 19:21
Thank you for your replies it's nice to talk about this stuff, I don't have any secrets from my closest friends so I do talk to them, but not in too much detail, and they don't really understand. It's just, I'm well aware that a lot of teenage girls seem to think it's a fashion statement to claim to be bisexual and that it's cool to go around kissing girls (many thanks to Katy Perry for that one ) and I've met a lot of people growing up who go through a stage where they think they're bisexual, but it turns out it's just hormones.
I guess I just worry that labelling myself as bisexual, when I don't actually see girls in that way, that people will think that I'm just going through a phase too.
I don't really know why I care about what people think, I don't about most things!
It's nice to get different perspectives on the situation
(Original post by TheMeister)
- 26-01-2010 19:26
Oh mama, too hot, too spicy, hot hot hot!