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Feeling Victimised at University watch

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    Hello everyone,

    I am a third year at Oxford who is going through a very difficult period. In freshers' week I had a one night stand with one of the fresher boys and he has sort of become obsessed with me, and not in a good way. He has talked about me behind my back and spread vicious rumours to the point where people I don't even know have been coming up to me and calling me a slut. If I see him around, I can tell he's saying things because all the people around him start laughing, pointing at me and gesticulating. Facebook is full of nasty comments about me, not just by him but also by other people who have joined in. I have even seen pictures of him on nights out with my full name written on him; it's really bizarre. The latest thing that has happened, which has really upset me, was that he played the part of me (using my actual name), dressed as a woman, at a college comedy show and acted out a scene with another boy (I don't want to know exactly what it was).

    My reaction last term was to ignore him and hope the teasing went away, but it hasn't. If anything, this latest incident shows that it has got worse. I normally have quite a thick skin and don't mind light-hearted teasing, but this has gone way too far. I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I no longer show my face in college and hang out with friends in other colleges. I am wondering whether I should go and talk to this guy, but I have a feeling that that would make it worse. I am also wondering whether I should make a complaint to the college.

    Any advice or reassurance? Please don't be nasty or judgemental because I am feeling extremely low.
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    Wow he seems like such an ass. I actually feel sorry for you. If the matter continues to persist you can surely complain to someone over harassment? You can show them all the evidence you just talked about?
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    I think you should complain. You say you're in third year so presumably you'll be moving on soon and there's not much worse he can do to you. If it was me I would want revenge - a reprimand isn't much but it might warn him off.

    :hugs:
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    Wow.....tricky.
    A case of easier said than done, but try not to let it get to you too much. You seem to have done nothing wrong at all, and it appears as though he just needs to grow up.

    Whilst you have nothing to lose by talking to him, he seems like a totally unreasonable fool, so it may go nowhere?

    It is hard, I know, but it's not worth letting these people get to you. I'd focus on the uni work to take your mind off it and spend time with your friends etc.. Whilst you could complain, it may not be worth it. But I guess only you would really know that. The one concern is that it may make the situation worse, because he will know you have complained....
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    Thanks for the advice so far. It is possible for me to complain about him and seek advice without him being informed. He will only know if I authorise a formal complaint (which I don't intend to do at this stage). I'm just trying to decide whether or not I should have a calm and private word with him about his behaviour. He obviously has some sort of strong feelings towards me so I think making any sort of contact with him could stir him up more.
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    You could report him to facebook!

    But umm.... I think I would personally want to speak to him, but then knowing me I would wish I hadn't. I am still slightly baffled that students would actually come up to you and call you a slut....surely not females too? I just would have thought uni students are a lot more mature than that.

    Also, again easier said than done, but if he knows it's getting to you (i don't know if he does or not), then he's going to continue. If you can show him that it doesn't bother you, then perhaps he'd back down?

    You certainly are not a slut for having a single one night stand with him though....this would actually make you a rather normal student!

    Perhaps message him, if you need to contact him? That way you could think about what you want to say before saying it and (hopefully) avoid excessive confrontation...
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    You have absolutely no clue why he is doing it? He sounds like a bit of an oddball to me!

    How about cornering one of his 'quieter' friends when they are alone and question him. You will probably get a response out of someone.

    Then all there is to do really is report it to a member of staff at college I suppose! Good luck and I hope things get better for you
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    although he doesn't sound like a very reasonable person it may be worth just asking him what it's all about. Maybe if you ask him infront of his friends he will have to own up to what he's told them or it will seem strange to them that he's not willing to confront you on a topic he's been so keen to actively persue
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    whaaaaat

    I don't understand how this could occur, I thought Oxford people would be too clever for that.

    He sounds like he has mental problems to be honest, so you should report him.

    I'm still finding it difficult to imagine this happening. People coming up to you and calling you a slut? Who would do that in this day and age? What on earth could he have been saying about you to warrant such behaviour?

    Edit: you know what I really don't think this could be true. Acting the part of you in a college comedy show? People would not stand for that. No matter what they'd been told you'd done they wouldn't let obvious bullying like that occur.
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    Take the law into your own hands, shop off his testicles with a rusty spoon.

    On a serious note, report him and keep telling yourself that you only have 5 odd months left until you finish university, and can then move on and go on to do better things. Do your best, keep your chin up and look to your friends for support.

    Had you asked me this yesterday I could have had him shot.
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    (Original post by O-Ren)

    Edit: you know what I really don't think this could be true. Acting the part of you in a college comedy show? People would not stand for that. No matter what they'd been told you'd done they wouldn't let obvious bullying like that occur.
    This is a valid point...... I have many third year friends at Oxford and one of them would think it funny or amusing in anyway way, at all.
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    I know it sounds far-fetched, but truth is stranger than fiction sometimes. Unfortunately I have become such the running college joke (and I don't even really know why) that stunts like the one at the comedy show have somehow become acceptable. Even my friends didn't see that there was much wrong with it until I pointed out to them how upsetting I found it. I do know though that there was a lot of alcohol there and there were also no college staff present to deal with anything getting out of hand. My theory is that because everybody seems to be in on the joke, people think it's ok to call me 'slut' to my face and think that I will find it funny too... but of course I don't.

    I think I am going to go and see him tomorrow (today) in person - he won't reply if I e-mail him - and explain to him just how upset I am about this. Unless he is a total psychopath it might help a bit.
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    Hmm okay.

    I guess people can go mad in groups, to the point where only outsiders can see how truly ridiculous the situation is.

    You need to take a stand. E-mail what you've written here to all the staff who's concern it is to deal with things of this nature.

    If everyone is in on it, it should be easy enough for the staff to gather testimonies which support your story.

    I honestly don't think you should talk to that guy. By talking to him you're giving him warning that he's about to get in trouble. Not only that, but if he does stop his behaviour, is that enough? Go for justice! I.e. him being thrown out or almost thrown out. If what you say is true, it's enough to land him in SERIOUS trouble. You want him pulled up in front of the master/mistress of your college.

    You've been passive long enough. Time to fight back or you'll cowering from people like this all your life.
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    If you're going to be judgemental and mean, please save your time and mine by not posting. I know that some people don't agree with one night stands, but this is not the thread for your insults, thank you very much.

    I don't really want to cause a scene, so I'm going to have a quiet word with him first. If that doesn't work though I will definitely go to the college. I might mention it to my tutor too so that my complaint is on file...
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    (Original post by sk433556)
    You're a Muslim, yes? One could just tell by the way you present your thoughts. So stereotypical and cringe-worthy.

    On the other hand, isn't the male who had sex with her, also on a one-night stand, also a male-slut? Yes? Well, why is she the only one on the end of receiving the abuse? And anyway, what does it have to do with anybody else? One doesn't need a monogamous relationship to have sex these days: that's why there's the condom. (I don't advocate promiscuity, but I appreciate why others may find it appealing.)

    Anyway, OP: report him but ask the person dealing with your concern to handle it in a confidential manner and approach the bully in a creative manner where you are not involved.
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    Its obviously more complicated than you just had an innocent, quick one night stand with him - else he wouldn't really react like that. I have a feeling your not telling us something....what happened after it? Did you go flirting off with another guy (im not pointing my finger here just curious!) the next day or did he maybe expect to stay with you after it?

    I dont know it just sounds like he has near to zero motivation to be causing so much trouble - so no offense to you personally I just cant see a situation like this rising unless he had at least a bit of motivation.

    Maybe he had a crush on you and so felt overly-jelous and angry that you left him after the one night stand.

    You're a Muslim, yes? One could just tell by the way you present your thoughts. So stereotypical and cringe-worthy.
    And your a Musling hater, yes? One could tell by the way you present your thoughts. So sterotypical and cringe-worthy.
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    Wow, what a prick!
    How did he get all the other students to join in too though, is he popular or something?
    Has it been that bad for 3 years, or has it just got worse recently?

    Personally, I would confront him, preferably when he's alone - unless you think he really is a psycho that is. Just ask him wtf his problem is and tell him to stop. You are (supposedly) adults now anyway, so you should be able to have a mature conversation.

    Failing that, report him; what he (and the rest of your college) are doing is completely unacceptable and you shouldn't have to ignore it or put up with it.
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    (Original post by triplefiver)
    Its obviously more complicated than you just had an innocent, quick one night stand with him - else he wouldn't really react like that. I have a feeling your not telling us something....what happened after it? Did you go flirting off with another guy (im not pointing my finger here just curious!) the next day or did he maybe expect to stay with you after it?

    I dont know it just sounds like he has near to zero motivation to be causing so much trouble - so no offense to you personally I just cant see a situation like this rising unless he had at least a bit of motivation.

    Maybe he had a crush on you and so felt overly-jelous and angry that you left him after the one night stand.
    I'm afraid that's pretty much it, which is why the whole situation is so baffling. He doesn't have a crush on me as far as I know, though his friends say he is obsessed with me and scared of me and he doesn't have a girlfriend, so maybe. He is really popular (rugby team, drinking society etc.) and I'm not, which I think is the main reason why it's got so bad. Oh, and it happened this past freshers' week which I suppose was about 4 months ago now; he is a fresher and I am a third year.
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    (Original post by mingo_poppy)
    If you're going to be judgemental and mean, please save your time and mine by not posting. I know that some people don't agree with one night stands, but this is not the thread for your insults, thank you very much.

    I don't really want to cause a scene, so I'm going to have a quiet word with him first. If that doesn't work though I will definitely go to the college. I might mention it to my tutor too so that my complaint is on file...
    This is your problem. You're clearly passive and introverted. A prime target for the kind of person this guy is. You think you'll never meet a guy like this again? You will.

    Time to be strong. Cause a massive scene. Have him thrown out.

    Or you'll never learn to hold your own and it will happen again.
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    (Original post by mingo_poppy)
    If you're going to be judgemental and mean, please save your time and mine by not posting. I know that some people don't agree with one night stands, but this is not the thread for your insults, thank you very much.

    I don't really want to cause a scene, so I'm going to have a quiet word with him first. If that doesn't work though I will definitely go to the college. I might mention it to my tutor too so that my complaint is on file...
    Ignore that poster, that kind of guy is the guy who always believes the hype.

    I would talk to him about it if he sees there's nothing wrong with what he's been doing to you or understand how much what he is doing is upsetting you, I would take it up with someone in authority you trust.

    I had one guy who like this he just developed an obsession with me with no cause or warrant on my part.
 
 
 
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