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Is Honesty The Best Policy?
Ok so I'm writing my first thread seeking advice from TSR.
One of my best friends fell in love with a man 4 years ago and they got together. A year later he proposed. They are still engaged. She was 17 at the time and he was 25. Now I have a few snags about this.
1. He has cheated on her multiple times, once with an underage girl.
2. He has tried to sleep with me on several occassions much to my disgust as I'm his fiancee's best friend.
3. She was once a university student, quite well off and wanting to travel the world. She is now penniless working in a high street store and he controls her money. She never finished university. Her student loan went on financing him.
4. She is not allowed to visit us (myself and our other mates) or speak to us most of the time.
5. Going out is a rare thing indeed. About once a year, and she isn't allowed to drink and has to be home by 11pm. Shes missed all the 21st birthdays, as well as her own.
6. They've been engaged 3 years and if she mentions the wedding he gets angry and changes the subject.
Obviously I am concerned for my friend. I've tried talking to her but she sees him from beneth rose tined specs. He can do no
wrong in her eyes. She won't believe that he's cheated even though he's phoned me and boasted about it. Should I just keep my nose out? Shes younger than me and I've always looked out for her and I don't like the thought of her getting hurt. I don't want her to be trapped in an unhappy marriage.
One of my best friends fell in love with a man 4 years ago and they got together. A year later he proposed. They are still engaged. She was 17 at the time and he was 25. Now I have a few snags about this.
1. He has cheated on her multiple times, once with an underage girl.
2. He has tried to sleep with me on several occassions much to my disgust as I'm his fiancee's best friend.
3. She was once a university student, quite well off and wanting to travel the world. She is now penniless working in a high street store and he controls her money. She never finished university. Her student loan went on financing him.
4. She is not allowed to visit us (myself and our other mates) or speak to us most of the time.
5. Going out is a rare thing indeed. About once a year, and she isn't allowed to drink and has to be home by 11pm. Shes missed all the 21st birthdays, as well as her own.
6. They've been engaged 3 years and if she mentions the wedding he gets angry and changes the subject.
Obviously I am concerned for my friend. I've tried talking to her but she sees him from beneth rose tined specs. He can do no
wrong in her eyes. She won't believe that he's cheated even though he's phoned me and boasted about it. Should I just keep my nose out? Shes younger than me and I've always looked out for her and I don't like the thought of her getting hurt. I don't want her to be trapped in an unhappy marriage.
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Try and gather some evidence, so that it's less easy for your friend to brush away your accusations. You should definitely tell her; and whilst it may be difficult for both you and her, eventually when she does see sense, she'll appreciate all that you've done for her. Even if she becomes hostile towards you whilst you stand firm, eventually she will see sense, and as I say, she'll realise all you've done for her. This bloke is ruining her life by the sounds of things, honesty - in this instance - is definitely the right option. Perhaps you should try and get your other friends to help you out; once again, so it's harder for her to ignore...
Yes, honesty is the best policy. I think you should do everything you can to get your friend out of such a bad situation. Even if she can't see what a good friend you're being at the time, she'll appreciate it later.
Do you have evidence of his cheating etc? It would be a good idea to find some.
Do you have evidence of his cheating etc? It would be a good idea to find some.
He sounds like a complete bastard! Isn't there any way you could gather definitive proof to show her, ie. not just word of mouth?
No, it's not (I lie)
MB
MB
if there was ever an oppurtinuty to wear a wire, this is it..
just phone him, or record it when he phones you, and play it to her! if he boasts about it, or asks to sleep with you then thats even better... maybe remind her that hes taken her student loan and how he restricts her, etc. but don't go any further..
if you exxaggerate or keep repeating your own opinion, she will think you're the enemy and also youll be forcing your will on her which isnt good in itself. if she listens to you, fine, if not then I'd just ignore them. not worth the hassle is she isn't gonna listen to what you have to say.
just phone him, or record it when he phones you, and play it to her! if he boasts about it, or asks to sleep with you then thats even better... maybe remind her that hes taken her student loan and how he restricts her, etc. but don't go any further..
if you exxaggerate or keep repeating your own opinion, she will think you're the enemy and also youll be forcing your will on her which isnt good in itself. if she listens to you, fine, if not then I'd just ignore them. not worth the hassle is she isn't gonna listen to what you have to say.
At this rate, she's not likely to be in any kind of marriage, let alone an unhappy one - just a sad and abusive relationship. Take her out if you can, get her away from him, even if it's just a few hours, and present your case. Ask her to hear you out out of respect for your friendship and she can give her side of things after that. It's not fair for him to get away with this though.
oh my goodness and she's still with him? oh dear...
you've got to be really really careful wen going about this, or she'll just think you're being malicious or even worse, she might think u actually want him and are trying to break them up or something stupid like that (people will convince themselves of anything wen theyr in love).
have a sit down with her and be straight to the point.
*ask* her what she thinks about a few things but dont push it or anything. leave her to think about things and hopefully she'll come to the right conclusions (hes a filthy b*stard).
and she'll be glad she came to that conclusion all on her own
you've got to be really really careful wen going about this, or she'll just think you're being malicious or even worse, she might think u actually want him and are trying to break them up or something stupid like that (people will convince themselves of anything wen theyr in love).
have a sit down with her and be straight to the point.
*ask* her what she thinks about a few things but dont push it or anything. leave her to think about things and hopefully she'll come to the right conclusions (hes a filthy b*stard).
and she'll be glad she came to that conclusion all on her own
BlackHawk
Ok so I'm writing my first thread seeking advice from TSR.
One of my best friends fell in love with a man 4 years ago and they got together. A year later he proposed. They are still engaged. She was 17 at the time and he was 25. Now I have a few snags about this.
1. He has cheated on her multiple times, once with an underage girl.
2. He has tried to sleep with me on several occassions much to my disgust as I'm his fiancee's best friend.
3. She was once a university student, quite well off and wanting to travel the world. She is now penniless working in a high street store and he controls her money. She never finished university. Her student loan went on financing him.
4. She is not allowed to visit us (myself and our other mates) or speak to us most of the time.
5. Going out is a rare thing indeed. About once a year, and she isn't allowed to drink and has to be home by 11pm. Shes missed all the 21st birthdays, as well as her own.
6. They've been engaged 3 years and if she mentions the wedding he gets angry and changes the subject.
Obviously I am concerned for my friend. I've tried talking to her but she sees him from beneth rose tined specs. He can do no
wrong in her eyes. She won't believe that he's cheated even though he's phoned me and boasted about it. Should I just keep my nose out? Shes younger than me and I've always looked out for her and I don't like the thought of her getting hurt. I don't want her to be trapped in an unhappy marriage.
One of my best friends fell in love with a man 4 years ago and they got together. A year later he proposed. They are still engaged. She was 17 at the time and he was 25. Now I have a few snags about this.
1. He has cheated on her multiple times, once with an underage girl.
2. He has tried to sleep with me on several occassions much to my disgust as I'm his fiancee's best friend.
3. She was once a university student, quite well off and wanting to travel the world. She is now penniless working in a high street store and he controls her money. She never finished university. Her student loan went on financing him.
4. She is not allowed to visit us (myself and our other mates) or speak to us most of the time.
5. Going out is a rare thing indeed. About once a year, and she isn't allowed to drink and has to be home by 11pm. Shes missed all the 21st birthdays, as well as her own.
6. They've been engaged 3 years and if she mentions the wedding he gets angry and changes the subject.
Obviously I am concerned for my friend. I've tried talking to her but she sees him from beneth rose tined specs. He can do no
wrong in her eyes. She won't believe that he's cheated even though he's phoned me and boasted about it. Should I just keep my nose out? Shes younger than me and I've always looked out for her and I don't like the thought of her getting hurt. I don't want her to be trapped in an unhappy marriage.
He seems to be controlling her too much. Maybe you can discuss this concern with your other mutual friends and (as the other members suggested), find some evidences to show her. but finally it comes down to her- if she doesn' want to dump him despite his cheating, I guess she'll have to learn it the hard way.
What a difficult situation you are in. I guess, if I was you then I would tell your friend, honesty is the best thing. She might fall out with you, but it's a risk I think you need to take. In the end she will see you are right.
I have a friend kinda in the same situation, she has a very controlling boyfriend, he won't let her go out, dress how she likes, get drunk, things like that. They aren't as serious as being engaged or getting married, but I still worry it's seriously affecting her self confidence. Unfortunately I moved really fab away before she started seeing him, so I don't hear the full story sometimes, and I feel its not really my place to bring it up with her, as being so far away I feel a bit powerless. What I have said though, is if she ever needs time away, or if they break up or whatever, she can always come and stay with me until she sorts herself out, and I'll always be here for her no matter what. Maybe you could reassure her that whatever happens she'll still be your friend and you'll be there for her.
Good luck hunny
I have a friend kinda in the same situation, she has a very controlling boyfriend, he won't let her go out, dress how she likes, get drunk, things like that. They aren't as serious as being engaged or getting married, but I still worry it's seriously affecting her self confidence. Unfortunately I moved really fab away before she started seeing him, so I don't hear the full story sometimes, and I feel its not really my place to bring it up with her, as being so far away I feel a bit powerless. What I have said though, is if she ever needs time away, or if they break up or whatever, she can always come and stay with me until she sorts herself out, and I'll always be here for her no matter what. Maybe you could reassure her that whatever happens she'll still be your friend and you'll be there for her.
Good luck hunny
Thanks for all the replies.
I have given as much evidence as I could I told her the name of three people he had slept with and when. She refused to believe me. Myself and our mates have tried talking to her but she is so loved up she can't see it. I'm trying to meet up with her this week (I've not seen her since last summer - guess whos fault) to see if I can delicatly talk to her. They broke up once before and we took her out to a restaurant, bought her flowers, took her out on the town and generally showed her a fantastic time. We've always been there for her but the three of us are the only friends she has left. Everyone else has given up on her and my other two mates are pretty close. (She hasn't phoned in 4 months - usually this is due to him taking her phone or they can't afford to pay the bills) I believe she is beyond sorting herself out. I don't even know if she wants out, but she is definatly trapped with a man she lives with, who controls her finances, her life, who she talks to, even how she talks.
I have given as much evidence as I could I told her the name of three people he had slept with and when. She refused to believe me. Myself and our mates have tried talking to her but she is so loved up she can't see it. I'm trying to meet up with her this week (I've not seen her since last summer - guess whos fault) to see if I can delicatly talk to her. They broke up once before and we took her out to a restaurant, bought her flowers, took her out on the town and generally showed her a fantastic time. We've always been there for her but the three of us are the only friends she has left. Everyone else has given up on her and my other two mates are pretty close. (She hasn't phoned in 4 months - usually this is due to him taking her phone or they can't afford to pay the bills) I believe she is beyond sorting herself out. I don't even know if she wants out, but she is definatly trapped with a man she lives with, who controls her finances, her life, who she talks to, even how she talks.
well seriously tho, stuffing evidence in front of her face isnt going to help i dont think and will only make her resent you. (if shes as loved up as you say she is... which is very)
set up the situation so that you're asking her OPEN ENDED questions. nothing thats obviously leading her to any negative conclusion.
'How do you feel the relationship is going?'
'is it ok not having as much freedom as before?'
'we really miss seeing you is there any way we could meet up more often?'
i cant really think of any more questions if im honest but u get my drift?
just dont do anything that will make her get really angry and blame you for any problems she might be having.
set up the situation so that you're asking her OPEN ENDED questions. nothing thats obviously leading her to any negative conclusion.
'How do you feel the relationship is going?'
'is it ok not having as much freedom as before?'
'we really miss seeing you is there any way we could meet up more often?'
i cant really think of any more questions if im honest but u get my drift?
just dont do anything that will make her get really angry and blame you for any problems she might be having.
She sounds so much like Shelly On Corination Street....
mik1w
musicboy sees intriguing title
musicboy thinks of witty line to type
musicboy types witty line without reading the first post
musicboy feels clever
funny how easy it is to read people's minds...
musicboy thinks of witty line to type
musicboy types witty line without reading the first post
musicboy feels clever
funny how easy it is to read people's minds...
or read people's actions as it were.
MB
Keep trying. After all you will never forgive yourself if she marries him and ends up getting hurt mentally or physically.
Ask her if she trusts you or not then tell her again. If nesseccary tell her everything and gather lots of information she will probally end up hating yuo for a while but she will forgive you one day when she realises you were right. But one piece of advice if she chooses to ignore you and then gets hurt its best not to say i told you so because it really rubs salt into the wounds (believe me not a good idea!)
Don't give up on her like other people are doing because everyone needs a friend and it sounds like your a pretty damn good one!
Ask her if she trusts you or not then tell her again. If nesseccary tell her everything and gather lots of information she will probally end up hating yuo for a while but she will forgive you one day when she realises you were right. But one piece of advice if she chooses to ignore you and then gets hurt its best not to say i told you so because it really rubs salt into the wounds (believe me not a good idea!)
Don't give up on her like other people are doing because everyone needs a friend and it sounds like your a pretty damn good one!
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