So, so worried about my ex girlfriend.

We went out for a year. She was my first girlfriend. We were in love. We broke up nearly a year ago. I still think we love each other, but it's a different kind of love now. It's love between close friends, you know?

Anyway, she's very emotional. I made a thread here a long time ago about her cutting herself. She told me that she'd tried killing herself by overdosing before. She cut herself before we went out. Thankfully stopped during. Afterwards she went off to a uni she didn't like very much and told me (her ex boyfriend) that she does it again. I think she met a bloke and got some friends and has stopped now though. Not sure.

Anyway, that was about six months ago. Today she told me that her mum has died. She was so close to her mum. But you know, if she's considered (and tried) suicide, and cut herself because of silly things like uni, how will she react to this? I know she's more grown up now but still. She's so down and I just don't know what to say.

Reply 1

ADavis1

Be there for her, hold her, if you are still close friends. I dont know all the details.

Reply 2

scorpion95

agree with the above comment, be there for her, tell her that your there for her

Reply 3

superwolf

Ask her if you can come and see her. It's not really about what you say to her, more just that she knows you're there.

Reply 4

icn06

Yeah you should go see her, give her some company. I lived with my dad and after he died I actually had a friend move in with me because I hated being alone. The visit doesn't need to involve talking about it, just being there.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

She is going back to uni on friday which is quite far away. Plus I've only seen her once since we broke up. Sure it wouldn't be a bit weird? Was talking to her and she said she had to go sort out paper work and stuff. So I think she's busy.

Worst thing of all is that her two younger sisters - one being only twelve - lived alone with her mum. I didn't ask, but I think it's likely that one of them found their own mum dead, or was there when she died. I mean, God, how awful...

Reply 6

pheebs101

i was in an extremely similar situation as her a couple of years ago, thankfully as a result i built up immense personal strength from it, but at the time i was weaker than a newborn puppy (for want of a better phrase?! haha). trust me, the phrase 'silly things like uni' is not accurate or fair at all, it will NOT 'just' be about uni. it goes much deeper than that, like for example uni made her depressed because it brings back memories it means she's away from something that helps her through hard times, etc etc. i really don't know how to describe it on here but yeah don't take that for granted. the only thing you can do is make sure you are REALLY there for her, don't obsessively text her and stuff with anything like 'heyyy, you ok? what you doing today? xxx' or anything equally annoying. promote personal strength, like if you're with her just say something about how well she's handling it and how you admire her for it, even if it isn't true. keep her strong. keep being there right through til the end. invite her to stuff, don't let her shut herself off to the world. obviously the death of a parent is awful, genuinely horrible. and it messes you up. let her talk about her mum. and let her tell you about memories, and let her take you to places that remind her of her mother. hopefully she'll look back and think about how much you helped her through, and just behave impeccably. at times like this it's so easy for a girl to let 'something happen' if you get my drift, just to feel safe. do not let that happen even if she initiates it afterwards, believe me no matter what her reaction is at the time she'll look back and respect you so much for it.

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

I've had a similar experience. You have to decide how much you are willing to take a risk that the relationship would start again. I comforted mine, and then he fell in love with me again and it was awkward and I felt dreadful because I was over him.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

She has a boyfriend now.... so the last couple comments don't really apply. I would absolutely not do anything like that with her now especially right now after this news when she's obviously weak as well.

Reply 9

Lust of a Gardener

I think it's important that you go visit her now.

lord knows she would need comfort.

Reply 10

ladydisdain

yes, be there, really. it's the only thing you can do. Get her to do stuff, too.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

I know what has happened to her in her life is terrible. She's had it pretty rough even before this. It's an awful, awful thing and I can't imagine what she's gioing through. But what is most important to me right now is that she doesn't try to cut herself or kill herself or anything. She's going to be down and upset obviously and I and others will try to stop that. But how do I make sure she doesn't do anything silly? I havn't seen her since August, by the way. She's back at uni now. She told me all this via msn. I havn't heard her voice or texted her forever. What exactly should I do?

Reply 12

make-cookies-not-war

Poor girl

I think you should give her a phone call, maybe don't say "Hey, you alright?" because obviously the answer will be no (although this is just general courtesy to say so I don't think she'll take it the wrong way). Just say something like "I just rang encase you wanted to talk about anything" and let her know that you'll be there for her. Offer to go visit her at uni if she wants you to and if it's practical. Just make sure she knows that she's not alone and that she's got someone to always talk to if need be.

I think for her to see a counsellor would be a very good idea, I mean it's a horrible thing for anyone to go through so I'm sure help is given if it is seeked out. And it must be even worse for her given her past (one of my friend's dad died last year, she had a history of self harm so we were all terribly worried, but we all just made sure to be there for her, keep her busy, and give her a shoulder to cry on when necessary). I don't know how you can go about suggesting to someone that they should maybe see a counsellor, but if you can find a way then it might be a good idea.

Just make sure she knows how loved she is and that you care for her, and will be there for her. Best of luck, to both of you.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Tried to talk to her a bit whenever I see her on msn, which is a lot more than her usual. I havn't gone to her house. She's texted me a tiny bit.

I don't begin conversations by asking how she is. Instead I just jump straight in by asking her a question from our last conversation, or telling her I just saw something on tv, or whatever crap I can make up really. I don't mention her mum unless she does. Which she doesn't.

I just feel so, so sorry for her though. Her entire life has been tainted with tragedy. When she was a little girl an older girl made he "do stuff" with her. Her mum and dad split up and she hates her dad. She was nearly raped at a party once. Her dad hates her career choice at uni. Her family are all very Christian and so she hides her true religous faith from them. She's tried to kill herself and has cut herself as I've said before. It's just so awful and it's so unfair.