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    Slut, and this is why guys don't like their girlfriend going out clubbing
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know I'm going to get so much abuse for this, which I deserve.

    I got very very very very drunk last week (I don't remember going to his room) and slept with one of my friends who was also pretty drunk. I am absolutely distraught about it, I have cried on and off the past week, can't sleep and don't know what to do. I'm not saying this for sympathy but just so you realise I'm not taking this lightly. Nobody will find out as the guy I slept with has a girlfriend too so he won't tell anyone.

    What's hurting the most is how it would ruin my boyfriend if I told him - I just can't. He would never trust a girl again (even a faithful one) and it's not fair to make somebody else suffer like that. So I can't tell him.

    My 2 options are to stay going out with him and pretend it never happened. Or to break up with him and not tell him the real reason.

    Please help me. I love him so much, we have been together for years and have an amazing relationship - whatever people say you can cheat on someone you love that much. We could easily end up getting married, except for my stupid stupid mistake which I know I have to pay for.

    Help from people who aren't just going to tell me I'm a *****/whore/slut/deserve to die would be really appreciated.
    Neither option, tell him the truth, showing him what you wrote here would be good -- tell him if you didnt love him you wouldnt want to still be together and beg. If he dumps you you deserve it, but sitll best of luck -- honestly.
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    Just tell him, it's hard but if you love him as much as you say you do you need to be honest and at least give him the option of continuing with and rebuilding the relationship. People do come back from things like this, if not often.

    Stop drinking, show how comited you are to him and hope for the best. Tbh I think you're wrong that he'll never trust anyone again if he doesn't choose to persue your relationship, obviously he'll be gutted for a long time but that doesn't mean he'll never get over it. People always think they'll never get over someone/ never trust someone again but they do in time.

    If you're not honest about it you're 20 xs worse imo, what you did could be seen as a mistake but purposfully decieving someone is just down right nasty...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What's hurting the most is how it would ruin my boyfriend if I told him - I just can't. He would never trust a girl again (even a faithful one) and it's not fair to make somebody else suffer like that. So I can't tell him.

    Do not use this pituful excuse to selfishly save yourself seeing the effects of what you did.

    Whats wrong with people these days, cheating on those who they claim to love. I despise people like you, you are the lowest kind of scum.
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    (Original post by Ken321)
    It's not retarded. OP won't own up to her mistakes and tell her boyfriend (neither of her choices end up telling the truth!).

    And I have the right to bash her for her stupidity. I share the right to post on these forums. Those rights are granted to me upon registration on this forum.

    And it is not 'religious' to tell the truth and face the consequences. The OP is cowering AWAY from telling the truth (as she states in her first post - if you didn't notice or don't know how to read) since BOTH her choices end up in her deceiving her boyfriend.

    RELIGIONIST ethics? This is not religion, idiot. Consequences mean pain. Pain serves as a reminder to prevent further mistakes. The law exists to punish those who commit crime. Those who commit crime and suffer punishment are less likely to commit that crime again. Those who KNOW the law decide not to commit crimes as the consequences are painful.

    People learn from mistakes. By hiding the truth from her boyfriend, she's evading seeing the pain that she'd inflict on her boyfriend. That's cowardice.

    Weakness in character is not to be desired. Their relationship might end, but if she doesn't own up to the consequences and doesn't learn anything, then all of this will be for nothing.

    This has nothing to do with religion. This is an observation of human nature.

    Before you keep spewing your crap, make sure your brain is a functioning tool. I have a distaste for religion as well, but I don't go around spewing hatred of religion wherever I go upon assumptions and suspicions of others.
    I never said it was religionist to tell the truth or to face the consequences of breaking an agreement. I said it was religionist for strangers to deem someone a good or bad, no wait, pathetic person based on no other information but how they handle a private affair.

    Also, it is not a crime to cheat on a boyfriend so the comparison with law is not helpful here. Not that law is the gospel for morality anyway.

    It's not up to YOU to decide she is weak of character that is my point, that's how religion works you see - mass judgement and guilt for sinning. So if you have a distaste for a religion maybe you should think about where you draw your fabulous ethics from.
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    (Original post by Toaster Leavings)
    I never said it was religionist to tell the truth or to face the consequences of breaking an agreement. I said it was religionist for strangers to deem someone a good or bad, no wait, pathetic person based on no other information but how they handle a private affair.

    Also, it is not a crime to cheat on a boyfriend so the comparison with law is not helpful here. Not that law is the gospel for morality anyway.

    It's not up to YOU to decide she is weak of character that is my point, that's how religion works you see - mass judgement and guilt for sinning. So if you have a massive distaste for a religion maybe you should think about where you draw your fabulous ethics from.
    1) I don't care if it's a crime. You can hurt people without committing a crime.
    2) This is not guilt for "sinning". This is guilt for not facing the consequences of being an idiot.
    3) I draw my "ethics" from loyalty and faith in a relationship. These "ethics" TEND to be the basis of relationships. (Just in case you didn't know that...idiot).
    4) I can post my judgment on here on the internet because it permits me to do so. Judging someone by someone's actions is not some "crazy religious idea". If someone meets me for the first time and shoots me in the foot, I can judge that person as a crazy douche-bag. If you say 2 + 2 = 248, I can judge you to be an idiot.
    5) "Religionist" is not a word. Please learn some English.
    6) OP posted this "private affair" on the web, requesting feedback from repliers (whether implied or subtle). Thus, I shall reply.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know I'm going to get so much abuse for this, which I deserve.

    I got very very very very drunk last week (I don't remember going to his room) and slept with one of my friends who was also pretty drunk. I am absolutely distraught about it, I have cried on and off the past week, can't sleep and don't know what to do. I'm not saying this for sympathy but just so you realise I'm not taking this lightly. Nobody will find out as the guy I slept with has a girlfriend too so he won't tell anyone.

    What's hurting the most is how it would ruin my boyfriend if I told him - I just can't. He would never trust a girl again (even a faithful one) and it's not fair to make somebody else suffer like that. So I can't tell him.

    My 2 options are to stay going out with him and pretend it never happened. Or to break up with him and not tell him the real reason.

    Please help me. I love him so much, we have been together for years and have an amazing relationship - whatever people say you can cheat on someone you love that much. We could easily end up getting married, except for my stupid stupid mistake which I know I have to pay for.

    Help from people who aren't just going to tell me I'm a *****/whore/slut/deserve to die would be really appreciated.
    Unfortunately I don't agree with that (highlighted in bold) at all! And alcohol cannot be blamed for your actions! The thought of even cheating on my boyfriend kills me enough, let alone turning those thoughts into actions.

    No, I am not doubting your feelings for your boyfriend, thats just my opinion.

    If you fully understand that you are in the wrong for what you have done and are willing to 'not take this lightly to yourself,' and if you love him as much as you claim you do. You'd tell him. Outright.
    Be an honest person and just prepare for the consequences, if he ends it, you can only blame yourself. Don't be selfish and keep it to yourself just because your scared to lose him. You should of thought about that before you got into bed with someone else. Sorry if it sounds blunt but that's the truth.
    Honesty is the best policy Easier said then done I'm aware of that. But let nature take it's course, tell him and see what happens.
    Karma's a *****
    Truth always comes out in the end regardless.
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    (Original post by Ken321)
    2) This is not guilt for "sinning". This is guilt for not facing the consequences of being an idiot.
    That guilt and those consequences are hers to deal with for breaking a private agreement. She does not deserve reprimand from anyone else but the partner. [/QUOTE]

    (Original post by Ken321)
    3) I draw my "ethics" from loyalty and faith in a relationship. These "ethics" TEND to be the basis of relationships. (Just in case you didn't know that...idiot).
    See end section.

    (Original post by Ken321)
    4) I can post my judgment on here on the internet because it permits me to do so. Judging someone by someone's actions is not some "crazy religious idea". If someone meets me for the first time and shoots me in the foot, I can judge that person as a crazy douche-bag. If you say 2 + 2 = 248, I can judge you to be an idiot.
    When did I say you couldn't post? You can judge all you want and call her pathetic but it still makes the judgement wrong in my opinion. Those examples are useless:- someone who shoots you in the foot is breaking the law and violating a human right. Someone who has some basic cognitive deficiency probably is an idiot or some other more PC term. Judging a stranger as a pathetic human being for cheating is something I would argue because it's wrong.

    (Original post by Ken321)
    5) "Religionist" is not a word. Please learn some English.
    Yes it is, so back at you.

    (Original post by Ken321)
    6) OP posted this "private affair" on the web, requesting feedback from repliers (whether implied or subtle). Thus, I shall reply.
    You can post whatever you want but it doesn't make her relationship a public good just because she posted this question on the internet. The agreement was still private and so your judgments about her being pathetic for breaking it are illogical in my opinion. Like it or not your opinion is based on the fact that monogamy and marriage was/is considered holy and thus all this morality arose and anyone violating the agreement could be chastised by the Church and society and it doesn't make you right to do it now, it makes you a self-righteous prat.
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    It's only sex? If it was a complete drunken mistake with absolutely no feelings towards the other guy at all I don't see there to be much problem with it. Especially if you are so crazy in love with your boyfriend, it would be stupid to ruin everything you have together and put him through that over a drunken mistake. Telling him can only hurt him a GREAT deal.
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    I actually think you should tell him =/ Or is he really fragile that he'll break into pieces and never love again..?
    If it's meant to be..he'll forgive you. If not then, well you was going to break up with him anyway in easy Option 2.. He might be upset and whatever, but that's life.
    If it was me, i'd want to know the truth no matter how much it hurt.. but i am a rock so..
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    (Original post by Toaster Leavings)
    That guilt and those consequences are hers to deal with for breaking a private agreement. She does not deserve reprimand from anyone else but the partner.
    See end section.

    When did I say you couldn't post? You can judge all you want and call her pathetic but it still makes the judgement wrong in my opinion. Those examples are useless:- someone who shoots you in the foot is breaking the law and violating a human right. Someone who has some basic cognitive deficiency probably is an idiot or some other more PC term. Judging a stranger as a pathetic human being for cheating is something I would argue because it's wrong.

    Yes it is, so back at you.

    You can post whatever you want but it doesn't make her relationship a public good just because she posted this question on the internet. The agreement was still private and so your judgments about her being pathetic for breaking it are illogical in my opinion. Like it or not your opinion is based on the fact that monogamy and marriage was/is considered holy and thus all this morality arose and anyone violating the agreement could be chastised by the Church and society and it doesn't make you right to do it now, it makes you a self-righteous prat.[/QUOTE]

    She's pathetic because she can't face her own mistakes by owning up to her boyfriend.
    This entire discussion has nothing to do with the "Church" and "monogamy". She has fractured and tainted the relationship she had with someone.

    It's nothing to do with "monogamy". She may or may not deserve reprimand from me. However, she will GET IT from me (as well as others) until she owns up to her boyfriend.

    My opinion is based on TRUST. If it was a POLYGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP in which both partners would be happy with it, it would be an OPEN RELATIONSHIP. This was CLEARLY not the case, as the OP is upset with it and will break it off JUST for not retaining that trust! EVEN IF it was polygamous (which it was not), then she should have told him anyways.

    In the end, her crying/suffering is proof of the guilt she feels HERSELF, which means she REGRETS what she did. Thus, the notion of polygamy has nothing to do with this.

    Once again, you've put yourself up as this high-up intellectual when all you're doing is showing me more holes in logic while you fail to see the big picture and prove yourself to be a self-righteous idiot.

    Whether some church preaches monogamy or not is not relevant to this situation. Nice straw man argument.

    The fact is, the OP obtained the TRUST of someone else. They had a MONOGAMOUS relationship based ON THAT TRUST. The OP shows her BELIEF in that MONOGAMOUS relationship by feeling GUILD by SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

    This has NOTHING to do with the Church or the "righteousness" of monogamy. It's not a debate of monogamy vs. polygamy, it's a debate of trust versus infidelity. The confines of their relationship have been established: it was a monogamous one.

    If you want to argue the validity of monogamy, go talk to the OP, not me. Their decision to have a monogamous relationship was theirs, not mine. However, BASED on their decision to have a monogamous relationship, I will bash the OP because she failed to uphold the trust inherent in a monogamous relationship.

    Plus, if they weren't monogamous, she wouldn't have felt guilt or wanted to hide it from her boyfriend.

    Toaster Leavings, I hope you're less of an idiot than you are now. I really hope so.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know I'm going to get so much abuse for this, which I deserve.

    I got very very very very drunk last week (I don't remember going to his room) and slept with one of my friends who was also pretty drunk. I am absolutely distraught about it, I have cried on and off the past week, can't sleep and don't know what to do. I'm not saying this for sympathy but just so you realise I'm not taking this lightly. Nobody will find out as the guy I slept with has a girlfriend too so he won't tell anyone.

    What's hurting the most is how it would ruin my boyfriend if I told him - I just can't. He would never trust a girl again (even a faithful one) and it's not fair to make somebody else suffer like that. So I can't tell him.

    My 2 options are to stay going out with him and pretend it never happened. Or to break up with him and not tell him the real reason.

    Please help me. I love him so much, we have been together for years and have an amazing relationship - whatever people say you can cheat on someone you love that much. We could easily end up getting married, except for my stupid stupid mistake which I know I have to pay for.

    Help from people who aren't just going to tell me I'm a *****/whore/slut/deserve to die would be really appreciated.

    Eurgh, horrible situation.

    But babe, you were drunk. People do weird, dangerous, spontaneous things when they're drunk. I once ate half a roll of toilet paper. A friend told her mother to 'masturbate her off'.

    What you did was wrong, but you sound like the guilt is getting to you. You can either become hard-faced about it, which I don't advise, or you can tell him.

    It'll be horrible. But at least you're handing him the ball. It'll halve the guilt straight away, then you can just look back at the situation and think 'Damn. I was stupid to let myself get that drunk. I'll be more careful next time'. Eventually you'll get over it, and will have learned from it. Life goes on.

    And you won't have the guilt of living a lie! :| And your boyfriend gets to make the decision to break up or not, not you. And none of that 'he'll never trust another girl again'. You from the future?

    Tell him. It's the least painful thing even if it doesn't seem like it now. And don't prolong it either.

    Good luck xxx
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    I think you should go for option two - like you said, you deserve some kind of punishment for cheating on him, and it would be selfish of you to receive that punishment by watching him crumble by telling him you slept with someone else. Anyway, once you realise the true consequence of cheating (being permanently separated from the guy you 'love'), you'll never ever do it again, no matter how drunk!

    EDIT: Ftr, what in the world makes you think that you won;t tell him yourself once you have a few drinks? You will probably splurt it out at a drunken party, and that's a hell of a lot worse than either telling him now or leaving him.
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    Tough one.

    My natural inclination is to say that you deserve everything you get and wouldn't have cheated on him if you loved him as much as you say, but I know life isn't that simple.

    I'd also like to say you should tell him, because that's "the done thing".

    Instead, I'll say a few things and let you come to your own conclusions about what you should do.

    a) People cheat for all sorts of reasons and it's not as simple as "once a cheater, always a cheater"
    b) Being told your partner cheated on you can well and truly crush all trust in you and future partners
    c) If you don't tell him and he finds out it will do far more damage than telling him upfront
    d) Honesty can mitigate damage. Can, not will.
    e) If you don't tell him now, the guilt could eat you up and he will notice that you're not happy

    I think you need to tell him, but it's going to be hard. My boyfriend cheated on me and I found out . . . I love him and we're still together but it's hard. I don't regret staying with him and a lot of people think I'm a moron, but there you go.
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    tbh, everyone saying omg tell him now... its not going to fix anything, is it.
    if you think you can go without ever letting it get out, say nothing and do nothing.
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    I love how you call cheating a mere mistake...surely it's more than a mistake? lol

    Anyway...I don't thinking breaking up with him and not telling him why is going to be any better than just telling him what you did. Why don't you just ask him? Ask him if he would want to know about a very bad 'mistake' you have commited which could perpetually ruin your relationship. Or ask yourself, if he cheated on you, would you want to know? I think after what you've done, it's his choice as to what happens, not yours. You should ask him and let him control everything that happens with it, including if you tell him or not.
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    you have to tell him. things like that come out eventually! what if your friend tells his gf? don't play with fire!

    he'll be much more hurt if someone else but you tells him.

    i got told by the girl my bf cheated on me with. i felt like i don't know this person i spent one year of my life with. we tried again (considering circumstances and that i felt he was really sorry). it's been a year but still i have those moments when i can't trust, i can't believe and i am hurt.

    tell him and then u'll see what will happen:

    he might forgive you,

    he might want a break,

    he might leave you,

    no matter what could happen, you have to hell him. be honest. cheating has a massive destructive effect on people who are in love with each other. on both sides. he'll be devastated but you owe him your honesty. you'd just be taking advantage of his trust. he doesn't deserve that.


    sry i just have to say that: that you were drunk isn't an excuse! and doesn't justify any of what you've done. i agree you're doing "weird, dangerous, spontaneous" stuff when ur wasted. but if you know you can't control yourself when you had a few too much --> don't drink!! you're responsible for your actions and being sorry won't take that off you!

    anyway, i hope you two will get it right again! but if you stay together you got a lot of work to do! don't give up! =)
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    (Original post by Ken321)
    Scum like you remind me of why cheaters disgust me so much. And seriously? DRINKING? How the **** did you not see this coming, you brainless idiot?
    Um.. people in relationships drink day in, day out and never cheat.

    Now grow up and **** off, idiot. Yes the OP screws up, s*** happens, life continues. Now time to make the best of a bad job, doesnt need some jumped up American talking a load of crap.

    OP; tell him, see what happens. He might forgive you, but dont expect the relationship to be the same. He might dump you, but you cant expect much less.
    • #4
    #4

    If you can be sure that he won't find out, and that it won't happen again, then...why tell him? You'd be doing it to feel less guilty, so telling him would certainly solve that problem, but would create a whole lot more.

    I've been in this situation - our relationship wasn't, and still isn't, as serious as yours but the fact remains i cheated on someone i thought i'd never cheat on. It was a mistake, and no, alcohol isn't an excuse but it is an explanation, of sorts... the point is, you're punishing yourself enough at the moment, i should imagine, and you've probably learned something from this, so try and forgive yourself.

    But...if there's a chance your partner will find out from someone else, you might have to tell him. Otherwise, what he doesn't know can't hurt either of you.
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    (Original post by fox_the_fix)
    You have a duty to tell him.
    If I were with a girl for years and she didn't tell me she cheated on me, that would hurt me more so than the actual cheating - it just shows pure disrespect.
    You're right, and if any girl told me she cheated on me, no matter how bad it would cut her up I would finish her on the spot.

    However... something to consider

    This girl seems genuinely sorry. She knows it will never happen again and she has even been crying herself, so if she doesn't tell her bf they could get married etc as long as he doesn't find out.

    Or she could just tell him, which I think she should.

    Sometimes it isn't pure disrespect though, sometimes there's a different story even though you can make any girl cheat on her boyfriend.
 
 
 
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