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ex bf; 'take things slow' or let him go? watch

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    Okay, the whole story of this will be on here somewhere so I won't go back into it, but me and bf of 7 months broke up on jan 1st (great timing I know).

    He admitted he wasnt over his ex of 3 years. We got together 3 months later. I suspected this as he had become withdrawn and down, I'd ask him whats wrong but he'd always say everythings fine and that he was happy and then question my happiness. He'd been open about what happened with his ex from the start. She had ended things badly; text him its over then wouldnt speak to him. They were in a LDR.

    Anyway, our break up wasnt bad. I told him I understand and tried to be supportive, telling him I knew he hadnt done this intentionally, cos he kept insisting he didnt want to hurt me. He said he wanted to get over her but didnt know why he still thought of her, cos of how badly she treated him. He said he'd gone from hating her to accepting things and remembering their good times cos we were having good times.
    I told him I didnt want things to end but now is bad timing. He shouldnt be with someone if he isnt over someonne else. He didnt want to break up. After I few days I panicked. I think thats when reality set in, and I rang him saying I think its stupid that we've finished cos he had said he wouldnt want to get back with his ex and that was what I had been worried about. He said he didnt know and that he needed time to sort his head out.

    Still kept in contact though not every day. Him initating it, In the past 3 weeks, he's turned up at my house (just before me going out, he comes along, gets really drunk, I end up looking after him all night), rang and text on friday nights cos he 'cant bear the thought of me finding someone else'. He says he's confused and depressed in 3am calls. Texts me around 10ish once asking if Im at the usual place I go to, cos he'll be there with his friends and he 'doesnt want to ruin my night'

    The longest no contact has been 6 days. Texts me on thurs randomly about his driving test, then friday - it was his first gig without me there, and he was literally telling me everything that was going on even though I want replying. Met up on sat, he asked if we could cos he 'needed to talk about things'. But just chats away like normal. I asked him why he invite me out and he just wanted to see me and misses me. He said he had plans with workmates for drinks then to see his mates band with his best mate, but said he couldnt be bothered. He asked if I wanted to go see the band, or we could go cinema or for drinks or whatever. I said no cos I didnt know what his intentions were.

    He finally said he waned us to try again but to 'take things slowly and see how things develop'. At first, I wasnt sure and told him I felt it was a cop out. Previously, after the night out, he said he wants to be with me but 'doesnt know', after I told him I wanted to be with him. He said he doesnt want to rush things like we did before (I agree; we've met each other's families/friends/lived at each other's houses/contact and met up lots/every day), but how are we meant to go back to like we've just met? I can't just ignore all these feelings I developed for him these past 7 months.

    I dont know if its game playing or not since Ive been honest and told him everything about what I want and how I feel though he seemed genuine. I did agree to it that night after going home. But now I dont know. He says 'take it slow' yet he was still touchy feely with me; putting his cold hands on my face, tickling me, play fights, calling me the nickname he usually does. I think he even tried to hold my hand at one point when I took it out my pocket.

    I dont' know if this is worth it? I know he's going through a hard time and I know we cant just go back to how we were but this feels like a step back. We used to talk everyday. We spoke on sat and he's only just text me today.

    Any ideas what to do? Tips on how to take it slow?
    My friends say he's just using me and I should ignore him, but Ive already agreed to it. They say I should not contact him, and then maybe he'll realise what he's losing. I have no idea what to do.

    Sorry I have gone into it a bit. :/
    xxxx
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    If you're going to take things slow, how could he be using you?
    It all depends on how much you like him really, and how sure you are that he's over his exgirlfriend.
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    (Original post by iffy_girl)
    Okay, the whole story of this will be on here somewhere so I won't go back into it, but me and bf of 7 months broke up on jan 1st (great timing I know).

    He admitted he wasnt over his ex of 3 years. We got together 3 months later. I suspected this as he had become withdrawn and down, I'd ask him whats wrong but he'd always say everythings fine and that he was happy and then question my happiness. He'd been open about what happened with his ex from the start. She had ended things badly; text him its over then wouldnt speak to him. They were in a LDR.

    Anyway, our break up wasnt bad. I told him I understand and tried to be supportive, telling him I knew he hadnt done this intentionally, cos he kept insisting he didnt want to hurt me. He said he wanted to get over her but didnt know why he still thought of her, cos of how badly she treated him. He said he'd gone from hating her to accepting things and remembering their good times cos we were having good times.
    I told him I didnt want things to end but now is bad timing. He shouldnt be with someone if he isnt over someonne else. He didnt want to break up. After I few days I panicked. I think thats when reality set in, and I rang him saying I think its stupid that we've finished cos he had said he wouldnt want to get back with his ex and that was what I had been worried about. He said he didnt know and that he needed time to sort his head out.

    Still kept in contact though not every day. Him initating it, In the past 3 weeks, he's turned up at my house (just before me going out, he comes along, gets really drunk, I end up looking after him all night), rang and text on friday nights cos he 'cant bear the thought of me finding someone else'. He says he's confused and depressed in 3am calls. Texts me around 10ish once asking if Im at the usual place I go to, cos he'll be there with his friends and he 'doesnt want to ruin my night'

    The longest no contact has been 6 days. Texts me on thurs randomly about his driving test, then friday - it was his first gig without me there, and he was literally telling me everything that was going on even though I want replying. Met up on sat, he asked if we could cos he 'needed to talk about things'. But just chats away like normal. I asked him why he invite me out and he just wanted to see me and misses me. He said he had plans with workmates for drinks then to see his mates band with his best mate, but said he couldnt be bothered. He asked if I wanted to go see the band, or we could go cinema or for drinks or whatever. I said no cos I didnt know what his intentions were.

    He finally said he waned us to try again but to 'take things slowly and see how things develop'. At first, I wasnt sure and told him I felt it was a cop out. Previously, after the night out, he said he wants to be with me but 'doesnt know', after I told him I wanted to be with him. He said he doesnt want to rush things like we did before (I agree; we've met each other's families/friends/lived at each other's houses/contact and met up lots/every day), but how are we meant to go back to like we've just met? I can't just ignore all these feelings I developed for him these past 7 months.

    I dont know if its game playing or not since Ive been honest and told him everything about what I want and how I feel though he seemed genuine. I did agree to it that night after going home. But now I dont know. He says 'take it slow' yet he was still touchy feely with me; putting his cold hands on my face, tickling me, play fights, calling me the nickname he usually does. I think he even tried to hold my hand at one point when I took it out my pocket.

    I dont' know if this is worth it? I know he's going through a hard time and I know we cant just go back to how we were but this feels like a step back. We used to talk everyday. We spoke on sat and he's only just text me today.

    Any ideas what to do? Tips on how to take it slow?
    My friends say he's just using me and I should ignore him, but Ive already agreed to it. They say I should not contact him, and then maybe he'll realise what he's losing. I have no idea what to do.

    Sorry I have gone into it a bit. :/
    xxxx
    Out of curiosity, can you share with us why his ex broke up with him? What was his ex like? What do you know about their previous relationship?

    If you can tell everything you know, it'd help!
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    He isn't really being fair on you, he is just messing you about. It sounds like he doesn't want to be alone but doesn't have the guts to commit to a relationship. If he isn't sure about what he wants then he shouldn't be stringing you along like this!

    Sorry my ex strung me along like this for a while, we went through a really rocky patch and he did the whole we need to really talk about stuff and then when it came to it he wouldn't really talk about the relationship or our problems at all. We got over that and things were ok for a few more months and then we broke up for good. I saw him quite frequently just after.... He never explained to me why it had happened but he always attempted to hold my hand and told me he hated the idea of me being with someone else. All sorts of conversations about how i was exactly what i wanted but never any talk about trying to fix the situation.

    Try and get some distance from him. If he can't make up his mind, it is his problem. Don't let him lead you on like this, his intentions seem to be staving off his loneliness by ensuring he always has someone to fall back on. Tell him to call you when he knows what he really wants.
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    He's suddenly realised he can't shag an ex-girlfriend who won't talk to him.

    Really depends what you want out of the relationship. If it's that borderline at the moment, then I don't imagine anything serious will come of it in the long-run.
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    He told me that they were together for 3 years LDR. Apparently he was her first bf (first everything). Apparently her family are really rich whereas he isn't at the same place financially. He said at first they thought he was only with her cos she had money. They would take him on skiing hols etc, pay for him, give him spending money etc etc.
    She has her own house now (she's only 22), he asked her about him moving up and living together cos he always had to go see her at weekends, she never came down to see him, go to his gigs, family things etc,even though she had a car.

    She told him she's too young for this. She was going to Australia and new zealand for a few months. She said she has a different life from him.

    He told me that he doesnt know why he still thought about her cos his friends and his mum told him she takes advantage of him, her family looks down on him, she never made any effort with his friends yet whenever he went up to see her, she'd take him out with her friends. He said he lost touch with some friends cos he works in the week and could only see her at weekends and not his friends.

    He said he always had to do what she wanted and with me, he feels he has more freedom. I get along with his friends, he gets along with mine, I go to his gigs. He said it feels more natural with me, that he feels at home with my mum and dad, and that he can talk to them and be himself more than he could with her family.

    They met up in Sept a few months after getting with me. She asked him for her things back, made him travel up to meet her. He said she asked about me and he said we are okay then she asked what I was like and that she laughed at the pic he put up on fb of us cos I have red hair and she had red hair a few years ago and sshe said something like 'how strange'. He asked about her and she told him its none of his business then said she's so happy that she's not stuck with anyone anymore and doesnt have lose her weekends.
    This is only his account of her though, I have never met her.

    About the no contact and distance; I think thats what I'll do. He knows how I feel about him and I don't want to be at his beckon call and I dont wannt him thinking that. Maybe the distance will help him realise what he wants. If its meant to be, its meant to be I suppose.
    I just feel bad ignoring him after agreeing.
    Any more ideas?
    xxxx
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    ive told him i dont want to get hurt and he said he doesnt want to hurt me. He just 'enjoys spending time with me'. My point is that if we are gonna 'take things slow' then sex isnt on the agenda until we're more serious. Thats my take on it. If he thinks he can get everything he had without commitment then he's in for a shock. He knows I want a relationship like what we had and he doesnt want to rush things so we wouldnt.
    But like I said, I think the only way for him to acknowledge this is through action cos words arent strong enough, if he thinks he's losing me and he cares enough, then wouldnt that put him in a position to decide?
    xxxx
 
 
 
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