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What do you think of my boyfriend? (VERY long post) watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’m not entirely sure why I’m asking this because I know the majority of answers I’m going to get. But here goes anyhow...

    My boyfriend and I got together in May 2007, when we were both in our last year at school. The first few months were great, we spent an amazing summer holiday together (it was the nice long summer between GCSE and A-Level) and he was really supportive when I had my operation on my foot and couldn’t walk for 6 weeks, he made sure I was never alone and kept me company. Everything was perfect for those first few months, until the start of next term.

    I’d gone to an all girls school, and he’d gone to an all boys. But for A-Levels I then went off to college, and he stayed on at his sixth form, which was no longer all boys, it was about 50-50 mix actually (there were only about 4 boys in my schools sixth form lol). This created a bit of distance between us because we live a few towns apart, and I’d gone to a college much closer to home than my school was. But I still made an effort to see him once a week after college, and then at the weekends. But gradually he made less and less effort to see me. One day I was in the park with him and some of his school friends on his lunch break, and it was then I realised that he’d developed a crush on one of the girls in his sixth form (difficult to explain how I found out, just a gut instinct based on what people were saying, and how he’d mentioned her in the past). I felt distraught, but I just kept telling myself “it’s okay, everyone gets little crushes, it doesn’t mean anything and it will go away because he loves you”. And of course I had no proof. So the weeks went on and it was becoming more and more obvious that he liked this girl (he wasn’t even discreet about it, he would mention it all the time, but I never bothered asking because I knew he’d lie). He even once cancelled plans with me just so he could walk her to the train station! He lied and said it was to revise, but I later found out that that’s what he’d been doing. I’m not really sure why I put up with it to be honest, proof that love is blind I guess (and just plain stupid). By this point I couldn’t take it anymore, and had to hunt down proof. I logged onto his MySpace, and there were obvious flirting messages between them, but still no solid proof (he’s a bit of a flirt with every girl :/ ) I then finally confided in one of my best friends, who asked him straight if he had feelings for this other girl. And he said “I think I do”. TO MY BEST FRIEND! Why on earth would he do that? And then told my friend not to say anything to me because it would hurt me. Well of course my friend immediately sent the whole conversation to me, and I finally confronted my boyfriend about it. He then said “We need to talk”, and broke up with me the next time we saw each other (this was end of January 2008) Obviously I was heartbroken, and knew it was because he was infatuated with this other girl.

    Spent the next 3 days with my best friends, they were really supportive and helped me through it and I actually felt okay and like I’d be able to get through it with their support. Then 3 days later I got a text from him asking how I was. I said I was okay, and he asked if he could see me. So I agreed. We met up and he basically grovelled for my forgiveness, saying that letting me go was the worst thing he’d ever done (you’re 17, how many bad things can you have done by that age?!) and that he loves me and wants me back. Stupidly, I agreed, because I was so in love with him and was just so happy that I could have in back. Things were going to be different this time. I didn’t even question why he had suddenly changed his mind, I’m now thinking that he tried to get with this other girl but she refused, so he wanted me back instead.

    Anyway, things were great again, just like when we started going out. But this time it only lasted 6 months (in which time we lost our virginities to eachother). Beginning of August, he went to a party (which I wasn’t invited to, it was held by one of his school friends) and acted differently all week afterwards. I knew something wasn’t up, so I grabbed his phone while he was sleeping and locked myself in the bathroom. I saw loads of texts from this one girl, a friend from school, so I opened one at random and it said “you were a really good kisser :P”. I felt rage boil up inside me, but gave him the benefit of the doubt (he’d actually known this girl a lot longer than me and briefly went out with her for a few weeks at one point, so she could have been talking about then). But no, I sat there crying reading every single message, turns out he’d kissed her at the party, AND also the girl he dumped me for previously! I went back and told him I’d read his phone and he needed to explain himself. He told me he’d kissed the first girl, but never mentioned the second. When I asked he said “...oh yeah, I did.” What the hell? How many other girls did he get with that night? I’d also read something about his hands being “up her top and down her trousers”, but oddly enough that never got discussed. Anyway, after hours of me screaming and him sobbing and telling me how much he loves me and that he was very, very drunk and it was a mistake, we stayed together. He’d managed to convince me again that he was worth my time and that he really loved me. The thing is, I immediately called my best friend (the same one mentioned earlier) but he was on holiday at the time and didn’t have his phone on him. If he’d answered, he’d have told me to dump him and I’d have listened. But he didn’t answer, and I just felt so alone and didn’t know what to do, I was weak.
    As soon as my best friend got back from holiday he came straight down to visit me to see if I was okay. I told him that we’d managed to work things out.

    After a few months of me feeling really crap and depressive, and random outbursts of anger at my boyfriend, things started to get back to normal, again. Although I’ve never been able to trust him since, and frequently check his phone, but I find nothing. Things seemed okay for about another year, then I stayed round his the night of my 19th birthday. He had to be up early for work the next day so I stayed in bed and woke up a few hours later. I found myself alone in his room for the first time EVER, and couldn’t stop myself. I rummaged all around, to make sure he wasn’t hiding anything from me. It didn’t take long till I found something. He’d left his MP3 player lying around, so I picked it up and had a look through. In secret, well hidden picture folders, I managed to find a shocking amount of pornographic pictures. While I don’t really like all of that, I let it go because a lot of guys like porn and it doesn’t mean anything. But then I found an even more hidden folder. I opened it up to find pictures of pretty much every female friend he had on facebook (and also the 2 girls he’d kissed). Just regular pictures, not even particularly revealing ones, anything that showed a bit of cleavage or in which the girl was in a sexy position (you know how girls like to pose with their friends). He’d even gone as far as to giving each girl her own personal folder, and even had blocked out all the men in any pictures with black boxes. It was disturbing to see, because we have a lot of mutual friends, and some of my best friends were in there and I had no idea he looked at them in that way, it disgusted me. I wasn’t really angry, just shocked (this clearly shows he has some sort of problem, that he’s a pervert) and I felt bad for my friends more than for myself, because they didn’t know that this seemingly innocent friend of theirs was perving over all their pictures. Anyway, I also found some completely naked pictures of ANOTHER one of his school friends, and got angry again. I sent him a text at work, simply stating that I’d found his MP3 player, and he came straight home from work. Another session of screaming and sobbing, when I was really just trying to work out what made him think that this was acceptable behaviour. He said he knew it was wrong, but didn’t realise how wrong, and then smashed up the MP3 player (in some sort of dramatic gesture of love, I’m sure). I was just so confused I didn’t know what to do or how to act.

    This was 2 months ago, and we are still together. We haven’t had sex since all of this, in fact we’ve barely kissed. I just can’t even imagine being intimate with him anymore, not after all that I know. Of course I’m still madly in love with him, but he’s a completely different person to me know. It’s like I don’t know him at all. But we still have so much fun together; he’s my best friend and I feel safe with him. I guess after being with someone for that long, you can’t even really comprehend the thought of them not being a stable part of your life anymore.


    Well that’s my story. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, or why it was necessary to put in as much detail as I have, but it feels good to finally get it off my chest. I’ve painted him in a really bad light here, but bearing in mind we have been together for over 2 and a half years, the majority of the time he is the perfect boyfriend. He is kind, caring and loving, great company and lots of fun, and I can just be myself around him. Even though deep down I know he’s not good for me, I just can’t end it. I’m going to uni in September, so I keep saying to myself that I’ll end it then because I won’t have a choice, and that was it’ll be a lot easier to explain to people than all of this.

    Okay so what do you think? Is he a horrible person, or just someone who is good deep down but with a lot of issues? Am I completely pathetic for staying with him as long as I have? Please be brutally honest, it’d be nice to hear from people who don’t know either of us.

    And corr blimey, I’ll be surprised if anyone reads all of that. Just skim through it I've now emboldened the important bits to make life easier for you haha.
    can't believe i actually read all of that - and to me it sounds like he's a total idiot, he seems so immature and not ready to be in a relationship, the thing about keeping the pictures and blocking out the guy's faces was just plain weird - you deserve so much better than that - i can't believe anyone can be so forgiving - there are guys out there who would only look at you and no one else, and you deserve one of these guys, and you say you feel safe with him, but you don't trust him which is the most important thing really - i think you should end it personally - really really sorry if that was harsh and really really sorry taking up so much space on the thread by quoting you :p: - but that's what i think hope it all works out for you
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    If it's that long, you shouldn't be with him.
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    He sounds liks a complete ass! I know you're expecting this sort of reply, but surely by expecting it you know what the answer to this problem should be!

    So, in answer to your questions:

    Yes, he is horrible. Maybe he just has some warped sense of what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship, but having photos of your friends hidden on his mp3? That is just plain creepy. It sounds to me like he doesn't love you. Someone who loves you would not do so many things to disrespect you, over and over again.

    I don't think you're pathetic for staying with him, you can't help it if you loved him, but I do think maybe you are being naive. You have given him plenty of chances to change and he never has, so I think you have been overly forgiving and trusting and he has never deserved it.

    Also, as for the state of the relationship now, why stay with someone you can hardly stand to be with, cannot trust and cannot be physically intimate with? That's not a relationship of any sort.

    Just end it, you clearly aren't happy at all when you're with him, so what is the point of staying?
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    He needs to learn a lesson... the reason he keeps doing it is because he hasn't, he doesn't learn because you keep forgiving him and has no idea how much it hurts you. Right now he's not respecting you so break up with him and he'll learn not to do it again, just don't forgive him that easily. (or mayybe he doesn't love you anymore but still with you because he doesn't want to hurt you?)

    What's with people complaining?! She did say that it's a "VERY long post" so don't post anything if you're just going to say "I didn't read it"!
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    seriously do yourself a favour

    get rid of him
    i was with a guy like this and it hurt me so bad
    and i was in love with him and it took me ages to dump him
    but you will feel so much better without him, yeh it may feel lonely or hurt but life will be better

    trust me i know this situation very well
    i had the friend fancying, the hidden photos, the cheating and it hurts
    but it will all be better if you end it :yep:

    xx
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    OP, get rid. You obviously dont trust him, and thats whats important in a relationship. Plus the fact he cheated on you?! Nu uh. Get rid of him now, then you'll be in an excellent position to go to uni in september. Put him behind you and move on.

    It's going to be hard, but you'll never regret it. Good Luck.
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    what a ******?
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    Hehe you're an idiot. Sorry but you really are.
    • PS Helper
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    I read it all, people complain about that being long should see the ethics reading I have to do!!

    I'm really sorry Op but the guy seems like a total prat. Leaving him would be better for your mental health and emotional health, it'll hurt like hell at first - but don't let that scare you out of doing the right thing. Once you've accepted the pain and cried it all out accepted in every way you can never be with him and you have no future with him (very hard truths to come to terms with) you can grow and learn and find someone who is WORTH you.

    **hugs**
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    I know how you feel re: staying with someone who is bad for you. It's very difficult to let go even when you're unhappy. But you have to just steel yourself and do it - do NOT wait until September! Don't waste anymore of your life on this guy who doesn't deserve you.

    (Original post by DaveSteed24)
    there are guys out there who would only look at you and no one else, and you deserve one of these guys
    This, seriously. Those guys DO exist. And I know your boyfriend is "perfect" in other ways, but that's not good enough, is it? There are far far better guys out there. I don't think you're pathetic at all, and there are plenty of people who get into situations a little like yours.

    I know you know all this already, and that you just need people to say it to you to give you the push. Work up the courage and do it - you'll feel so much better once it's done and you've calmed down.
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    I read it all! (now where is my medal?) Seriously, you should dump him it seems like its what he deserves. I know that must be hard to hear though - sorry! At least the uni thing'll make closure easier!
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    Three words. Grow.Some.Balls

    Dump his ass and find someone who knows how to treat people with respect. How could you even take him back after find that disturbing crap on his PC? I would have been livid.
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    i only read the bits in bold.
    why are you still will him?
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    Don't sell yourself short and settle for this guy - he's obviously a manipulative liar, and a cheat.

    You deserve better. Dump him now, even though it might hurt for a bit, and you'll feel better in the long run when you'e got nothing more to do with him.

    I think, from the way you've worded your post, that this is what you want to do and just need some moral encouragement to do so.

    Dump him. You won't regret it. He's not worth your time or health.
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    troll
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    I read most of that, got bored about 2 paragraphs from the end. To summarise, you are far too nosey and need to stop doing that, I know you've found things out from doing it but that is an invasion of privacy and you wouldn't like it if someone did that to you.

    He sounds like a bit of an arse, if I was in your situation and it had happened so often, I doubt the relationship would still be going - you clearly don't trust him (hence all the privacy issues) so how does the relationship work?

    It sounds like you've both got problems with each other and that you are in to him alot more than he's in to you. It also sounds like a break up would hurt you more than him.

    Just my two cents worth.
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    you ever thought about going out with your male best friend instead? i did that, it works
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    give him one more chance. just one.
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    What do I think of him?

    Based on what you've said, I think he's a complete prick :top:

    Get rid would be my opinion
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    (Original post by dannylj)
    give him one no more chances. just one none.
    Indeed I agree
 
 
 
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