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What do you think of my boyfriend? (VERY long post) watch

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    at the end of the day were all human and make mistakes. some just make more than others. if you can forgive him and stay together well thats up to you. from my point of view staying single cuses far less hastle anyhow.
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    Wow, I'm quite impressed that I read all that. You poor thing, I had a boyfriend like that and we were together for two years and I really regret forgiving him. It's just a waste of time because I promise, he will NEVER change. You sound like a lovely girl and you deserve a lot better. You're right to say that love is blind, but you're NOT weak. It's really hard to break things off when you want to believe that things will be different. To sum it up, he's a ****, not worth your time and there are so many better guys out there. He is not cheating because you're not good enough, he'd cheat on Kate Moss (probably a bad example!) it's just that he's the insecure one and feels the need to do this kind of stuff. Honestly, be strong; dump him, cut off all contact and you won't regret it. Staying with him, you'll regret it. Good luck!
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    I read everything you wrote, and although you already know this, you need to leave him. From your post you sound intelligent, compassionate and forgiving - prehaps too forgiving - and you deserve someone so much better than him. He's treated you appallingly, and I understand your confusion and forgiveness - I took someone back before who I really shouldn't have and he did indeed let me down again. Free yourself from him and I'm sure you'll be a lot happier and worry-free. All the best!
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    Without reading the post, I can guess that you are over-reacting to whatever happened.

    Next time try to bullet-point your posts.
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    #1

    (Original post by Lust of a Gardener)
    Without reading the post, I can guess that you are over-reacting to whatever happened.

    Next time try to bullet-point your posts.
    Don't you think that's a bit of an unfair assumption to make without reading it? I know it's long and I'm not asking you to read it, but you don't even know what it says! I chose to embolden the important bits, so if you want a jist of my post just read them, but if you don't then fair enough

    btw I love your username
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’m not entirely sure why I’m asking this because I know the majority of answers I’m going to get. But here goes anyhow...

    My boyfriend and I got together in May 2007, when we were both in our last year at school. The first few months were great, we spent an amazing summer holiday together (it was the nice long summer between GCSE and A-Level) and he was really supportive when I had my operation on my foot and couldn’t walk for 6 weeks, he made sure I was never alone and kept me company. Everything was perfect for those first few months, until the start of next term.

    I’d gone to an all girls school, and he’d gone to an all boys. But for A-Levels I then went off to college, and he stayed on at his sixth form, which was no longer all boys, it was about 50-50 mix actually (there were only about 4 boys in my schools sixth form lol). This created a bit of distance between us because we live a few towns apart, and I’d gone to a college much closer to home than my school was. But I still made an effort to see him once a week after college, and then at the weekends. But gradually he made less and less effort to see me. One day I was in the park with him and some of his school friends on his lunch break, and it was then I realised that he’d developed a crush on one of the girls in his sixth form (difficult to explain how I found out, just a gut instinct based on what people were saying, and how he’d mentioned her in the past). I felt distraught, but I just kept telling myself “it’s okay, everyone gets little crushes, it doesn’t mean anything and it will go away because he loves you”. And of course I had no proof. So the weeks went on and it was becoming more and more obvious that he liked this girl (he wasn’t even discreet about it, he would mention it all the time, but I never bothered asking because I knew he’d lie). He even once cancelled plans with me just so he could walk her to the train station! He lied and said it was to revise, but I later found out that that’s what he’d been doing. I’m not really sure why I put up with it to be honest, proof that love is blind I guess (and just plain stupid). By this point I couldn’t take it anymore, and had to hunt down proof. I logged onto his MySpace, and there were obvious flirting messages between them, but still no solid proof (he’s a bit of a flirt with every girl :/ ) I then finally confided in one of my best friends, who asked him straight if he had feelings for this other girl. And he said “I think I do”. TO MY BEST FRIEND! Why on earth would he do that? And then told my friend not to say anything to me because it would hurt me. Well of course my friend immediately sent the whole conversation to me, and I finally confronted my boyfriend about it. He then said “We need to talk”, and broke up with me the next time we saw each other (this was end of January 2008) Obviously I was heartbroken, and knew it was because he was infatuated with this other girl.

    Spent the next 3 days with my best friends, they were really supportive and helped me through it and I actually felt okay and like I’d be able to get through it with their support. Then 3 days later I got a text from him asking how I was. I said I was okay, and he asked if he could see me. So I agreed. We met up and he basically grovelled for my forgiveness, saying that letting me go was the worst thing he’d ever done (you’re 17, how many bad things can you have done by that age?!) and that he loves me and wants me back. Stupidly, I agreed, because I was so in love with him and was just so happy that I could have in back. Things were going to be different this time. I didn’t even question why he had suddenly changed his mind, I’m now thinking that he tried to get with this other girl but she refused, so he wanted me back instead.

    Anyway, things were great again, just like when we started going out. But this time it only lasted 6 months (in which time we lost our virginities to eachother). Beginning of August, he went to a party (which I wasn’t invited to, it was held by one of his school friends) and acted differently all week afterwards. I knew something wasn’t up, so I grabbed his phone while he was sleeping and locked myself in the bathroom. I saw loads of texts from this one girl, a friend from school, so I opened one at random and it said “you were a really good kisser :P”. I felt rage boil up inside me, but gave him the benefit of the doubt (he’d actually known this girl a lot longer than me and briefly went out with her for a few weeks at one point, so she could have been talking about then). But no, I sat there crying reading every single message, turns out he’d kissed her at the party, AND also the girl he dumped me for previously! I went back and told him I’d read his phone and he needed to explain himself. He told me he’d kissed the first girl, but never mentioned the second. When I asked he said “...oh yeah, I did.” What the hell? How many other girls did he get with that night? I’d also read something about his hands being “up her top and down her trousers”, but oddly enough that never got discussed. Anyway, after hours of me screaming and him sobbing and telling me how much he loves me and that he was very, very drunk and it was a mistake, we stayed together. He’d managed to convince me again that he was worth my time and that he really loved me. The thing is, I immediately called my best friend (the same one mentioned earlier) but he was on holiday at the time and didn’t have his phone on him. If he’d answered, he’d have told me to dump him and I’d have listened. But he didn’t answer, and I just felt so alone and didn’t know what to do, I was weak.
    As soon as my best friend got back from holiday he came straight down to visit me to see if I was okay. I told him that we’d managed to work things out.

    After a few months of me feeling really crap and depressive, and random outbursts of anger at my boyfriend, things started to get back to normal, again. Although I’ve never been able to trust him since, and frequently check his phone, but I find nothing. Things seemed okay for about another year, then I stayed round his the night of my 19th birthday. He had to be up early for work the next day so I stayed in bed and woke up a few hours later. I found myself alone in his room for the first time EVER, and couldn’t stop myself. I rummaged all around, to make sure he wasn’t hiding anything from me. It didn’t take long till I found something. He’d left his MP3 player lying around, so I picked it up and had a look through. In secret, well hidden picture folders, I managed to find a shocking amount of pornographic pictures. While I don’t really like all of that, I let it go because a lot of guys like porn and it doesn’t mean anything. But then I found an even more hidden folder. I opened it up to find pictures of pretty much every female friend he had on facebook (and also the 2 girls he’d kissed). Just regular pictures, not even particularly revealing ones, anything that showed a bit of cleavage or in which the girl was in a sexy position (you know how girls like to pose with their friends). He’d even gone as far as to giving each girl her own personal folder, and even had blocked out all the men in any pictures with black boxes. It was disturbing to see, because we have a lot of mutual friends, and some of my best friends were in there and I had no idea he looked at them in that way, it disgusted me. I wasn’t really angry, just shocked (this clearly shows he has some sort of problem, that he’s a pervert) and I felt bad for my friends more than for myself, because they didn’t know that this seemingly innocent friend of theirs was perving over all their pictures. Anyway, I also found some completely naked pictures of ANOTHER one of his school friends, and got angry again. I sent him a text at work, simply stating that I’d found his MP3 player, and he came straight home from work. Another session of screaming and sobbing, when I was really just trying to work out what made him think that this was acceptable behaviour. He said he knew it was wrong, but didn’t realise how wrong, and then smashed up the MP3 player (in some sort of dramatic gesture of love, I’m sure). I was just so confused I didn’t know what to do or how to act.

    This was 2 months ago, and we are still together. We haven’t had sex since all of this, in fact we’ve barely kissed. I just can’t even imagine being intimate with him anymore, not after all that I know. Of course I’m still madly in love with him, but he’s a completely different person to me know. It’s like I don’t know him at all. But we still have so much fun together; he’s my best friend and I feel safe with him. I guess after being with someone for that long, you can’t even really comprehend the thought of them not being a stable part of your life anymore.


    Well that’s my story. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, or why it was necessary to put in as much detail as I have, but it feels good to finally get it off my chest. I’ve painted him in a really bad light here, but bearing in mind we have been together for over 2 and a half years, the majority of the time he is the perfect boyfriend. He is kind, caring and loving, great company and lots of fun, and I can just be myself around him. Even though deep down I know he’s not good for me, I just can’t end it. I’m going to uni in September, so I keep saying to myself that I’ll end it then because I won’t have a choice, and that was it’ll be a lot easier to explain to people than all of this.

    Okay so what do you think? Is he a horrible person, or just someone who is good deep down but with a lot of issues? Am I completely pathetic for staying with him as long as I have? Please be brutally honest, it’d be nice to hear from people who don’t know either of us.

    And corr blimey, I’ll be surprised if anyone reads all of that. Just skim through it I've now emboldened the important bits to make life easier for you haha.

    tl;dr

    If you want us to tell you how's your boyfriend, post pics.
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    i read it all!

    OP,you say he is perfect for all the other times... so at the end of the day, you either settle for someone who is lovely to your face but cheats/lies/disrepects you the rest of the time.

    you will never trust him, rightly so. he is abusing your trusting and forgiving nature. he seems to be living a bit of a double life; having a relationship and living the single life all at once.

    get rid of him! you deserve better than him and the relationship will never be OK, the way he's treated you (cheating and lying) shows that he doesnt care about you as much as he leads you to believe.
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    (Original post by Jose1989)
    Wow, I'm quite impressed that I read all that. You poor thing, I had a boyfriend like that and we were together for two years and I really regret forgiving him. It's just a waste of time because I promise, he will NEVER change. You sound like a lovely girl and you deserve a lot better. You're right to say that love is blind, but you're NOT weak. It's really hard to break things off when you want to believe that things will be different. To sum it up, he's a ****, not worth your time and there are so many better guys out there. He is not cheating because you're not good enough, he'd cheat on Kate Moss (probably a bad example!) it's just that he's the insecure one and feels the need to do this kind of stuff. Honestly, be strong; dump him, cut off all contact and you won't regret it. Staying with him, you'll regret it. Good luck!

    aww this is really sweet! and so so true! i stupidly stayed with mine for 4yrs before the full extent of his ******** came to light.

    once you break up for good (which is inevitable) you'll regret the time you wasted, honestly.
    and dont blame yourself!! some boys are complete ***** and will do this no matter who they are with.
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    I read it all but couldn't be bothered to read the replies so sorry if I repeat what's already been said!

    I don't think he's a terrible person because I think on some level he does love you. But the fact is that he's not the person that you started dating back in the day and you're not the person you were back in the day. Too much has changed between you and the wedge of trust will have totally disappeared. To be honest it sounds almost like an empty marriage where people stay together for the sake of the kids etc

    But you're not married, you don't have kids and you're only 17... it's so hard to break up and move on (trust me I know) but it's worth it, because if you carry on accepting this where's it going to go in the future? It sounds like he finds monogamy hard and I don't know if that will change - maybe he'll grow up in 20 years time or maybe he'll always be a cheater. But do you really want to gamble your own life to find that out?

    You know what you need to do... you're not the first person to have to go through this and you won't be the last, but you need to leave now, before you think that this kind of relationship is all you're worth. Because you're worth a proper relationship, with someone truly committed to you - and this 'aint it.

    PM me if you need to chat, breakups are horrible.
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    #1

    (Original post by scribble_girl)
    I read it all but couldn't be bothered to read the replies so sorry if I repeat what's already been said!

    I don't think he's a terrible person because I think on some level he does love you. But the fact is that he's not the person that you started dating back in the day and you're not the person you were back in the day. Too much has changed between you and the wedge of trust will have totally disappeared. To be honest it sounds almost like an empty marriage where people stay together for the sake of the kids etc

    But you're not married, you don't have kids and you're only 17... it's so hard to break up and move on (trust me I know) but it's worth it, because if you carry on accepting this where's it going to go in the future? It sounds like he finds monogamy hard and I don't know if that will change - maybe he'll grow up in 20 years time or maybe he'll always be a cheater. But do you really want to gamble your own life to find that out?

    You know what you need to do... you're not the first person to have to go through this and you won't be the last, but you need to leave now, before you think that this kind of relationship is all you're worth. Because you're worth a proper relationship, with someone truly committed to you - and this 'aint it.

    PM me if you need to chat, breakups are horrible.

    Thanks a lot for your advise and for caring I've decided to break up with him the next time I see him. I'm not really sure how to go about the whole situation, I probably won't see him till sometime next week as he's most likely working. And we text eachother everyday, so when he texts me tonight asking how I am, I don't know whether I should just act normal like everything's okay?? Gahh. And then it's explaining it to my parents without actually having to tell them everything. As far as they're aware we're all loved up (well aside from me moaning about him every now and then, which I seem to do a lot recently). I'm thinking if I just mention something about going off to uni and might as well do it now than wait till then. Sigh

    Ta again
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Don't you think that's a bit of an unfair assumption to make without reading it? I know it's long and I'm not asking you to read it, but you don't even know what it says! I chose to embolden the important bits, so if you want a jist of my post just read them, but if you don't then fair enough

    btw I love your username
    Yeah, sorry, I shouldn't have made assumptions.

    I'm just too lazy to read the entire post, so I just assumed that if you had to explain every intricacy of the problem then it's likely that it's not a big deal - you may just be over-reacting; desperatley trying to fault where no fault lies.

    Well, that's only my opinion.
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    #1

    (Original post by Lust of a Gardener)
    Yeah, sorry, I shouldn't have made assumptions.

    I'm just too lazy to read the entire post, so I just assumed that if you had to explain every intricacy of the problem then it's likely that it's not a big deal - you may just be over-reacting; desperatley trying to fault where no fault lies.

    Well, that's only my opinion.

    Fair enough, you're entitled to your opinion It's an awfully long post I know, just needed to get everything off my chest
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your honesty, you've made some really good points. He does have no respect for me, whatsoever. He knows that the stuff he does hurts me, and he still does it.

    And you're right about all his friends losing respect for me, I know they have. To be honest I don't care all that much about what they think of me, most of them are ***** too. But when I think about the amount of people who probably pity me and think I'm an idiot (this thread has proved it) I do get embarrassed. In fact I didn't want to leave the house at one point it's ridiculous, if this were anyone else I'd be telling them the eact same thing you're telling me.

    I'm breaking up with him next time I see him. I'm going to tell all my friends that I will, so that I can't back out of it last minute. And I will report back here when it's done lol.

    Thanks for your honesty, it helps.

    Good for you OP

    You think you're weak and that you won't be able to cope on your own but please believe me when I say you ARE strong enough to leave him, you ARE strong enough to never see him again and you WILL be fine on your own. You will find someone who respects and loves you and this will just be a bad memory. This is what happens when you let yourself be too dependant on someone. Always know that us women are strong, we don't need any men to define us :p: You can be strong if you want to. Yeah, it sucks your relationship didn't work out but hey! You're 19, go have some fun, live life, you're too young to have to worry constantly about a ******** of a boyfriend who just upsets you on daily basis!

    Report back to us OP! I'll kick your arse if you fail us!!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks a lot for your advise and for caring I've decided to break up with him the next time I see him. I'm not really sure how to go about the whole situation, I probably won't see him till sometime next week as he's most likely working. And we text eachother everyday, so when he texts me tonight asking how I am, I don't know whether I should just act normal like everything's okay?? Gahh. And then it's explaining it to my parents without actually having to tell them everything. As far as they're aware we're all loved up (well aside from me moaning about him every now and then, which I seem to do a lot recently). I'm thinking if I just mention something about going off to uni and might as well do it now than wait till then. Sigh

    Ta again
    Tell your parents, they'll help you not go back to him (although I am sure that this time you're strong enough not to go back). Just ignore his texts, to be fair, he's behaved so appallingly badly that he doesn't really deserve much more. Just call him and tell him it's over, like that if he starts crying like he usually does then you won't be tempted to feel bad or guilty. You can even tell him you've fallen for someone else so that in his eyes it'll be too hard to 'win' you over again?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you
    See I think I'm like your best friend, always giving more chances because you genuinely believe that they will change. And in her case it sounds like her fella did, so good for them
    But unfortunately for me, as you've said, my boyfriend doesn't seem to change. He's either a really really good liar and actor, or he just genuinely doesn't seem to realise that he's in the wrong until I point it out to him. And to be honest, I don't know which one is more likely.
    But when I do point it out to him, he's like "you're completely right, I'm so sorry, I won't do it again." And he doesn't actually do it again (as far as I'm aware). He just manages to find new ways to hurt me which is why I think I've been so forgiving. If this is making any sense at all lol.
    We're clearly not right for eachother, I can't be with someone who doesn't have the same opinion on right and wrong as I do, and someone who needs it spelling out to him everytime he's cocked up.

    I love him so much, but I need to let him go.
    I know how hard it will be, which is why I'm gradually letting my friends know what I intend on doing, so hopefully they can come help me out
    Next time I see him I'll end it. Thank you for your help

    I'm glad you realise that he is in the wrong, and it will be hard to end it.

    Your friends will be there for you, I'm sure. And if there not, are they really your friends? But that's a different story lol.

    Even though you know why you're ending the relationship, make sure you tell him why - so he knows aswell.

    It's clear your on a different wavelength to him, as you do have to spell out everything to him. And you're just going to get hurt time and time again. You can save yourself from all of that, and find someone who repects you and your opinions, someone who loves you, and is honest with you.

    Good luck If you need to talk about it anytime, PM me
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks a lot for your advise and for caring I've decided to break up with him the next time I see him. I'm not really sure how to go about the whole situation, I probably won't see him till sometime next week as he's most likely working. And we text eachother everyday, so when he texts me tonight asking how I am, I don't know whether I should just act normal like everything's okay?? Gahh. And then it's explaining it to my parents without actually having to tell them everything. As far as they're aware we're all loved up (well aside from me moaning about him every now and then, which I seem to do a lot recently). I'm thinking if I just mention something about going off to uni and might as well do it now than wait till then. Sigh

    Ta again
    No worries, I know it's so difficult when you're still in love with someone but sensibly know it's not working out - so kudos to you for having the strength to do something about it. When he texts you, just be polite - don't try and cover it up by being even nicer than usual to him, it'll just make it more of a blow when you break up with him. Just text back saying you're good, and if you don't want to keep talking to him, just say you're working on some college stuff or something. As for the parents thing, you can just tell them (which is in many ways true) that you've grown apart and want different things (ie. he wants to get with other girls and you don't want him to :p: ) - they'll have been there, and theyll understand. And in many ways, unless your parents got married super-young, they may well be quite pleased that you're not tying yourself to someone too young. Though if you want to confide in them do, if you're close - almost everyone over the age of 30 has had a 'first heartbreak' and got through it, and it's nice to know that people can go through the horribleness and 'live again' without the person, if that doesn't sound massively cheesy. Like I said feel free to PM me if you need to talk! Good luck with it though, from what you've said I really think you're making the right decision.
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    #1

    (Original post by scribble_girl)
    No worries, I know it's so difficult when you're still in love with someone but sensibly know it's not working out - so kudos to you for having the strength to do something about it. When he texts you, just be polite - don't try and cover it up by being even nicer than usual to him, it'll just make it more of a blow when you break up with him. Just text back saying you're good, and if you don't want to keep talking to him, just say you're working on some college stuff or something. As for the parents thing, you can just tell them (which is in many ways true) that you've grown apart and want different things (ie. he wants to get with other girls and you don't want him to :p: ) - they'll have been there, and theyll understand. And in many ways, unless your parents got married super-young, they may well be quite pleased that you're not tying yourself to someone too young. Though if you want to confide in them do, if you're close - almost everyone over the age of 30 has had a 'first heartbreak' and got through it, and it's nice to know that people can go through the horribleness and 'live again' without the person, if that doesn't sound massively cheesy. Like I said feel free to PM me if you need to talk! Good luck with it though, from what you've said I really think you're making the right decision.

    Taa Ohh when he text me last night, I told him I was okay but I'd been feeling weird all day, he asked why and I said that I'd just been thinking thing over etc... and alas, I got no reply. 2 hours later I text him saying I was going to sleep now and hopefully we could talk tomorrow, and he just replied with "Yeah, sleep well". Gahhhhhhhhhh, so then I cried myself to sleep but I didn't text him back, which is the important thing. I think I'm seeing him Sunday so it'll be then that I do it (to the people saying to do it over the phone or just cut off contact, I really can't do that, nomatter what he's done to me. Also remember how many mutual friends we have which makes it more awkward)

    And yeah I will tell my parents that I think they do see it coming actually, I feel like I'm moving on in my life, I've got all this stuff planned like uni and travelling, and he hasn't even applied to uni yet and still thinks he has a chance at getting in for some reason (his grades were also very poor), he's just lazy and stays in all day playing computer games.
    (The more I ***** about him, the easier this all is :P )

    It's weird confiding all this stuff to a bunch of strangers lol. Can you PM as anonymous? Just wondering, doesn't really matter all that much anyhow...

    Thanks everyone
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    PS Helper
    Annoys me no end when people say "too long to read". Don't read it and post then! God...

    Doesn't matter what we think of your boyfriend. You're the one who has to stay with him or lose him.
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    get. rid. now.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The more I ***** about him, the easier this all is :P
    Haha, keep doing this! You need to make sure you're feeling independent of him when you do it (tomorrow?) - just keep thinking that it doesn't matter that you're hurting him, you're being selfish and it will be worth it for him and for you in the end - you don't need him, you are strong enough by yourself! If you keep telling yourself these things it might be a bit easier Best of luck xx
 
 
 
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