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People treat me so formally but I don't know why. watch

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    I can never seem to connect with people but I don't know why. Im 21, female and people I know tend to say that Im very quiet but seem nice. Everyone just speaks to me very formally Ive never had proper friends they just don't see me as friend material, even though I try joking with people they smile out of politeness but never joke back. Like for example no one has ever ran up behind me and gone 'boo' and say if someone is leaving college, work or something they will give everyone a hug but me everyone treats me so formally and serious.

    At school when I was 16 I remember my class were acting daft when the teacher let us play hide and seek in the sports hall (there were 11 of us). I found a really good hiding place and was the last to be found but everyone had forgot about me I was sat there like a fool. Then a few minutes later the teacher said 'theres someone else' and someone said 'who we've found everyone' the teacher said 'theres still katie' the I came out and people said 'oh sorry katie' everyone said sorry lol.

    Ok there have been a few fairly extreme extroverts (maybe 3 or 4) people in my life that haven't been like this with me (though they are still more connective with other people) but in general yea I can't connect with people.

    I don't understand because with new people I do make the effort to talk but by then they have already made intense friendships with others. I know the problem is my fault since 99.9% are like this with me but I don't know what Im doing wrong because there are plenty of quiet girls who seem to have friends/be popular. People don't hate me they just don't see me as friend material.

    I think I got a bit of a clue this afternoon though when I went visiting my sister she told me that my male cousin had been round with his gf and that they were discussing me. I said 'oh what were you saying' she said nothing they asked how you were and I told them you were going living at uni in wales, sharing a student flat with 4 others. She said that my cousin replied 'I can't imagine katie doing that shes always been a very private person'. My sister said she replied 'I know I only remember her playing with you as a kid she never seemed to bring any friends home or anything'

    Thing is I don't want to be private I like my own space and am not a talker but I know that everyone knows Im a loner but I don't know what to do about it. I was hoping to make friends at uni with flatmates but its not going to be easy because even when I make an effort to talk it doesn't work.

    Dos anyone know what Im doing wrong:confused:
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    Even my own family (apart from parents) are formal and polite with me (yet joking and chatty with each other and friends) its as if no one knows me or trusts me.
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    I have friends but only because I have pushed myself to be a bit more sociable, even so ..I got told by one guy that he thought I was stuck up the first time he met me and someone at uni said that I am harder to talk to than other people.
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    Maybe you need to show more of your personality? I don't think its that no-one trusts you, I think it's more likely they have seen enough of your personality to act in a different way. Perhaps you've acted like this for a while so they've gotten this impression?

    Do something sporadic, unexpected. Perhaps strike up a conversation with a classmate or a stranger to be more open, appear approachable?
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    If you are introvert and quiet it's very hard for other to understand that and most don't know how to interact. That's why you don't connect with people. There are people though who can understand you. Find someone who's similarly quite, reserved. You could also try to be more extrovert but this might result in you feeling uncomfortable after a while.
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    (Original post by Becksy)
    I have friends but only because I have pushed myself to be a bit more sociable, even so ..I got told by one guy that he thought I was stuck up the first time he met me and someone at uni said that I am harder to talk to than other people.
    If you're OP, then you've flopped on the anonymity of your posts, sorry. ....I give the same advice to everyone but you've got to get more hobbies and become more interesting. Also make your life more exciting, I don't know why but people who have more exciting (as in trying fun things outside your comfort zone) lives seem to be perceived as not serious and fun. Don't forget to continue working hard though.

    Most of the time:

    Interest -> Talking points -> Conversations -> Bonds -> Friends

    Excitment -> Outside comfort zone ->Fun -> Laughs

    Hard work -> Keeps everything else in your life in order

    Interest + Excitement + Hard work

    = Friends that respect you because your life is in order, but know that
    you can have a good time too. Simple.

    EDIT: (Easier said than done though)
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    I am not the OP! I was trying to share my experiences... Good advice though, maybe I should take that.
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    lol this advice is gonna suck but here goes go
    society requires you to be a "sheep"
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    Suprisingly enough, I'm like this myself. And I quite like it. I don't know why but I'd rather not have serious friends, or a serious family bond. I don't know why, but I'm just kept to myself.

    Strange huh?
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    (Original post by theBOON)
    If you are introvert and quiet it's very hard for other to understand that and most don't know how to interact. That's why you don't connect with people. There are people though who can understand you. Find someone who's similarly quite, reserved. You could also try to be more extrovert but this might result in you feeling uncomfortable after a while.
    why is it hard to understand though? I can understand people who are outgoing and extroverts they just have a lot of energy.
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    Apart from my closest friends, a lot of people are like this with me until they really get to know me. I think it's just because I'm really shy at first. But if you start to push yourself a little it'll get better. Especially at uni, that can really make you come out of your shell I have way more confidence since being at uni, maybe it'll help you too?
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    Sometimes as sad as it sounds I'l do things like fall over something on purpose to try and make people laugh or mildly insult them but it never comes across as joking, I laugh/smile a bit but it comes across as me being serious and smirking sarcasticly.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    why is it hard to understand though? I can understand people who are outgoing and extroverts they just have a lot of energy.
    Well obviously, you tried hard to socialize with them and that's why you understand them but they on the other hand would just walk away. Normally this happens in combination with other things. Do you perhaps have strange interests or are in some other way nonconformist?
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    U just need more, and not be so introverted. be really smiley, laugh at their jokes, start up convers , but dont try too hard though cause that may turn off ppl
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    why is it hard to understand though? I can understand people who are outgoing and extroverts they just have a lot of energy.
    I don't understand introverts. It takes effort to push yourself out of your comfort zone and try new things and talk to new people. So, in my mind a lot of introverts are just lazy because they stick to the safe option. Because of this I find it hard to respect them. I had a friend of 10 years who was an introvert. She always did the safe thing. It made her boring. Even after 10 years I felt reserved around as every thing she did or said felt calculated. Eventually, I stopped talking to her because she didn't have enough life experiences for me to talk to her about anything deep, or enough guts to try anything spontaneous.
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    (Original post by A100whoo)
    U just need more, and not be so introverted. be really smiley, laugh at their jokes, start up convers , but dont try too hard though cause that may turn off ppl
    i know it puts people off!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't understand introverts. It takes effort to push yourself out of your comfort zone and try new things and talk to new people. So, in my mind a lot of introverts are just lazy because they stick to the safe option. Because of this I find it hard to respect them. I had a friend of 10 years who was an introvert. She always did the safe thing. It made her boring. Even after 10 years I felt reserved around as every thing she did or said felt calculated. Eventually, I stopped talking to her because she didn't have enough life experiences for me to talk to her about anything deep, or enough guts to try anything spontaneous.
    Ok thanks I get you, so what would you have liked her to said and how could she have acted? About the feeling calculted thing do you mean she made a big deal out of things/situations that came automatic/were nothing to you? What kind of spontaneous things could she have tried?
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    (Original post by theBOON)
    Well obviously, you tried hard to socialize with them and that's why you understand them but they on the other hand would just walk away. Normally this happens in combination with other things. Do you perhaps have strange interests or are in some other way nonconformist?
    well I don't have bf's or friends and live with parents. People say I come across as anxious and speak quiet like a mouse I have a really weak voice lol theres no chance of me being heard if theres a group talking I have to shout and even then they don't hear me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can never seem to connect with people but I don't know why. Im 21, female and people I know tend to say that Im very quiet but seem nice. Everyone just speaks to me very formally Ive never had proper friends they just don't see me as friend material, even though I try joking with people they smile out of politeness but never joke back. Like for example no one has ever ran up behind me and gone 'boo' and say if someone is leaving college, work or something they will give everyone a hug but me everyone treats me so formally and serious.

    At school when I was 16 I remember my class were acting daft when the teacher let us play hide and seek in the sports hall (there were 11 of us). I found a really good hiding place and was the last to be found but everyone had forgot about me I was sat there like a fool. Then a few minutes later the teacher said 'theres someone else' and someone said 'who we've found everyone' the teacher said 'theres still katie' the I came out and people said 'oh sorry katie' everyone said sorry lol.

    Ok there have been a few fairly extreme extroverts (maybe 3 or 4) people in my life that haven't been like this with me (though they are still more connective with other people) but in general yea I can't connect with people.

    I don't understand because with new people I do make the effort to talk but by then they have already made intense friendships with others. I know the problem is my fault since 99.9% are like this with me but I don't know what Im doing wrong because there are plenty of quiet girls who seem to have friends/be popular. People don't hate me they just don't see me as friend material.

    I think I got a bit of a clue this afternoon though when I went visiting my sister she told me that my male cousin had been round with his gf and that they were discussing me. I said 'oh what were you saying' she said nothing they asked how you were and I told them you were going living at uni in wales, sharing a student flat with 4 others. She said that my cousin replied 'I can't imagine katie doing that shes always been a very private person'. My sister said she replied 'I know I only remember her playing with you as a kid she never seemed to bring any friends home or anything'

    Thing is I don't want to be private I like my own space and am not a talker but I know that everyone knows Im a loner but I don't know what to do about it. I was hoping to make friends at uni with flatmates but its not going to be easy because even when I make an effort to talk it doesn't work.

    Dos anyone know what Im doing wronghttp://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...s/confused.gif
    It's okay, lots of people are like that (I feel like you do sometimes, around certain people).

    When you go out...what are you like? Do you find yourself to be more laid back in a party atmosphere?

    It could be that you've just got a lot on your mind...which is distracting you from being as outgoing as more relaxed people.

    Of course, you could always prove all those people wrong...it's never too late to change things, I find alcohol helps :p:

    Feel free to PM me if you need to talk things out some more.
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    The only thing I can think of is that people are somewhat intimidated by you? Try to loosen up a bit and talk about yourself more, in order to show people you have similar interests, are human etc...! & don't worry; from what you've said, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you. You obviously have friends and you seem lovely. When you get to uni I expect you'll find that it's easier to make friends and people will be more willing to get to know you. Also, what I sometimes find helps when I'm feeling shy is to kind of create a 'persona' (this isn't as sad as it sounds!) your persona should be just like you but more confident. Fake it until you make it...
 
 
 
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