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For the first time, I wish I hadn't been born (Yet another stupidly emo post) watch

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    [WARNING]: this post will contain a wall of text, the majority of which will be considered whiney emo ******** by most of you. Yes, I understand billions in the world have it worse than me, but this is my chance to whine my heart out rather than bottle everything up, feel free not to read it. I apologise in advance.

    I feel pathetic even typing this. But for the first time ever, I truly wish I had just never existed, and I wondered how hard it would be tp just top myself. I cannot find the good in my life. I feel as though I annoy the hell out of everyone with my very existence.

    I could list the endless problems that I have, but I'll try and just select a certain few that highlight just how ****** up I think my life is.

    Family: I've grown up knowing I was a mistake. My Dad left while Mum was pregnant, as he didn't want me. I was raised by my mum, with help from my gran. I found a few of mums old diaries once; she actually planned to kill herself and me in a car crash a few times because she felt her life was so bad. Although she loved me, she wished constantly that both she and I had been killed somehow. Somehow reading this caused me no pain, as though I already knew.

    Mum has been suffering mental health issues for about 9 years; she has bipolar disorder and depression, and she's been sectioned three times under the mental health act. The first time was in Year 6, and it caused me to go totally off the rails. I went from being the quiet intelligent kid at the top of the year to a distraught young boy running out of the school gates every single day because all I wanted was my mum. Because of horrific attendance, instead of going to the best secondary in my ****** little town I went to the worst. My education has been screwed ever since, and any potential has been wasted; I'm in Year 13, letting the work pile up around my ears, barely scraping by. I could've gone to a top 10 Uni or something, but instead I'm going to a former Polytechnic thats halfway down league tables and will do me no favours when potential employers read through my CV later in life (I don't mean to sound snobbish at all, really, please don't take it that way, I just mean it's a big gap and the Uni I'm going to just has no prestige at all. I'm constantly desperate for validation of my life and achievements from anyone and everyone else, pathetic as it is.)

    My house is currently a tip because my mum spends all of her time on youtube researching (and believing) the likes of David Icke. (For those who don't know, he reckons the Earth is run by reptilian overlords disguised as humans...or something). She literally believes anything she's told nowadays (oh, and Rihanna and Jay-Z, among others, have sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for record contracts. Didn't you know?) She is no mother, she takes no interest in my life and makes no effort to see me on the right path.

    I see Dad maybe once a year if he can be arsed visiting for Christmas to give me a cheque rather than just going away to St. Lucia or somewhere for the holidays. He had two boys before me in a previous relationship, both of which he prefers immensely.

    I have a large family, with an aunt and three uncles just on my mums side and tonnes of cousins. None of them ever invite me anywhere and when they see me they talk formally to me as though I'm not actually a part of the family, just some unknown visitor they wish they didn't have to put up with.

    Girlfriend: I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl 2 and a half years older than me. She's in her second year of Uni, while I'm starting in September. She doesn't go to a brilliant Uni; just Dundee. Despite this, she seems to think she's infinitely brighter than I am, doubting my ability to get three Cs at A-Level when if I applied myself I really could get three Bs, maybe 3 As. I'm 17, she's 19, but she mothers me and mollycoddles me, treating me like a child. She gives me no respect at all. She goes out maybe every other night, and rings me at 2am. I put up with this all the time, never ever asking her to stop, yet last night when I refused to get out of bed to get a phone to ring her, she decided I was a **** and told me straight that she was considering dumping me.

    I don't know why she's with me. She tells me she misses me all the time, then ignores me when I go to visit her (it's an 8 hour train journey). I honestly think she cares more about her flatmate than she does about me, or even herself. She practically takes orders from her, doing all the housework in their flat and tending to her every need. When I questionned this, she said I was an attention-whore who did not want to share her with anyone else.

    When we are together, she begs me to give her orgasms with my hands, then pretty much point-blank refuses to have sex or give me oral. She knows I get no pleasure if she uses her hands on me.

    She finds a way to always belittle me and make me seem effeminate. She implies she wants threesomes with some of her best friends. Despite all this, she's actually not a whore. She's a bellringing farmer's daughter from the Yorkshire Dales.

    Friends: I effectively have two good friends. I can usally get along well with both of them. However, as soon as we're in a group larger than the three of us, they change.

    One is the typical boring guy who believes he's cool. He belittles me in front of anyone and everyone, putting me down to increase his "street cred" in front of mutual friends and constantly talking about his own achievements and successes to anyone and everyone, including me if there's no one else around.

    The other is a total nerd, always developing websites or whatnot that never set off. He seems a good friend, yet as soon as anything goes wrong, be it him dying in a game of Call of Duty or an event for Business at school, it's my fault. I'm the one that has ****** up, and deserves to be shouted at and screamed at.



    I'm not an utter idiot. I know that I'm a ****-up. I seem to have two personalities: on one hand I try be the funny outgoing entertainer, trying to make everyone laugh even at my own expense and working hard to do well. On the other I'm a distraught idiot; I've wasted the supposedly best parts of my life away. I can't escape from the fact I have friends who seem to hate me, a girlfriend/family/father that don't love me, and a mental case of a mother that has royally screwed up my life. I cannot get away from this failure of a life; I cannot start again; I do not know what my options are.

    I do not know whether I mean this as a cry for help, or just an outpouring of nerdrage at my failure of a life. I don't expect that anyone will read any/much of this, and even if you do don't feel pressured to reply. I'm not going to slash myself up (yet :o:) so don't feel like it's life or death whether or not you reply. Thanks for reading if you did, please don't think I'm just a whiney b*tch.
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    I think a lot of people have felt these feelings whether it's been with their family, friends or boyfriend/girlfriend.

    It is hard but you have to remember that you are only 17! You're adult life is only just beginning. Horrible things will happen in life but it's how you react to them that matters. You have to get on with it and things will get better.
    I can see why it's been hard growing up for you with your mum and reading her diary must of been quite a shock but it's not your fault in any way. You need to try and not to live in the past and concentrate on the future & your career - this is your chance to do really well in University, get a good qualification = good job and start YOUR life. Stuff other people! Do what's best for you!

    As for your girlfriend don't put up with it! I felt like that with my ex and I just put up with it for months and months. You are meant to like being with someone, to me... it just sounds like you hate the way she treats you and aren't very happy in the relationship! So change it or talk to her about it instead of waiting for her to dump you.

    And about your friends, sounds like they are taking you for granted and you need to stand up for yourself from time to time.
    Once you go to University a lot of this will change you will make a new life for yourself, away from home, make lots of new friends and have the chance to meet other girls!

    SO please don't worry it will get better!!!

    feel free to PM me.
    • #1
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    Thanks a lot Holamigo, your answer has cheered me up a bit x

    I definitely do need to set things straight with my girlfriend. I have tried to tell her that at times her attitude towards me can be out of order, but she just doesn't seem to want to listen. I'm visiting her for Valentine's Day though, so I'm going to try and make her see that sometimes what she says and does really does have a negative effect on me.
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    I'm going to go to bed and see how I'm feeling with a clear head in the morning. Thanks for the offer of letting me PM you, if I still feel this bad tomorrow I may take you up on it.
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    Well dump ur gf she seems like the idiot, dump ur friends and get some better ones, **** ur mum shes also seems like an idiot ( though i agree with the suff icke says just not the devil and reptile business) and start working ur ass off for ur a levels u've got like 3 months, get the best grades u can.

    Do it.
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    Just forget everything - it is your life so live for yourself.

    Simples.
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    This miight not help, but i reckon you should probably let your girlfriend go... You both may be happier not together, and you certainly deserve someone better, perhaps the same stage of life as you, i.e. also year 13?
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    I'm sorry to hear about all that rubbish that has gone on in your life. It really is good, and healthy, to get it out of your system. You've got to know that your life really is, always, worth carrying on, no matter how bleak things get, even when you're knee deep and overwhelmed, you've got to keep going. No doubt it's incredibly difficult, but so essential to do. I'd try your hardest to try and see positives in things and make the most of every situation. Trying to get some exercise (walking especially) might help in such a situation to get away from it all for a bit and then begin to tackle it. Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you need.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    [WARNING]: this post will contain a wall of text, the majority of which will be considered whiney emo ******** by most of you. Yes, I understand billions in the world have it worse than me, but this is my chance to whine my heart out rather than bottle everything up, feel free not to read it. I apologise in advance.

    I feel pathetic even typing this. But for the first time ever, I truly wish I had just never existed, and I wondered how hard it would be tp just top myself. I cannot find the good in my life. I feel as though I annoy the hell out of everyone with my very existence.

    I could list the endless problems that I have, but I'll try and just select a certain few that highlight just how ****** up I think my life is.

    Family: I've grown up knowing I was a mistake. My Dad left while Mum was pregnant, as he didn't want me. I was raised by my mum, with help from my gran. I found a few of mums old diaries once; she actually planned to kill herself and me in a car crash a few times because she felt her life was so bad. Although she loved me, she wished constantly that both she and I had been killed somehow. Somehow reading this caused me no pain, as though I already knew.

    Mum has been suffering mental health issues for about 9 years; she has bipolar disorder and depression, and she's been sectioned three times under the mental health act. The first time was in Year 6, and it caused me to go totally off the rails. I went from being the quiet intelligent kid at the top of the year to a distraught young boy running out of the school gates every single day because all I wanted was my mum. Because of horrific attendance, instead of going to the best secondary in my ****** little town I went to the worst. My education has been screwed ever since, and any potential has been wasted; I'm in Year 13, letting the work pile up around my ears, barely scraping by. I could've gone to a top 10 Uni or something, but instead I'm going to a former Polytechnic thats halfway down league tables and will do me no favours when potential employers read through my CV later in life (I don't mean to sound snobbish at all, really, please don't take it that way, I just mean it's a big gap and the Uni I'm going to just has no prestige at all. I'm constantly desperate for validation of my life and achievements from anyone and everyone else, pathetic as it is.)

    My house is currently a tip because my mum spends all of her time on youtube researching (and believing) the likes of David Icke. (For those who don't know, he reckons the Earth is run by reptilian overlords disguised as humans...or something). She literally believes anything she's told nowadays (oh, and Rihanna and Jay-Z, among others, have sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for record contracts. Didn't you know?) She is no mother, she takes no interest in my life and makes no effort to see me on the right path.

    I see Dad maybe once a year if he can be arsed visiting for Christmas to give me a cheque rather than just going away to St. Lucia or somewhere for the holidays. He had two boys before me in a previous relationship, both of which he prefers immensely.

    I have a large family, with an aunt and three uncles just on my mums side and tonnes of cousins. None of them ever invite me anywhere and when they see me they talk formally to me as though I'm not actually a part of the family, just some unknown visitor they wish they didn't have to put up with.

    Girlfriend: I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl 2 and a half years older than me. She's in her second year of Uni, while I'm starting in September. She doesn't go to a brilliant Uni; just Dundee. Despite this, she seems to think she's infinitely brighter than I am, doubting my ability to get three Cs at A-Level when if I applied myself I really could get three Bs, maybe 3 As. I'm 17, she's 19, but she mothers me and mollycoddles me, treating me like a child. She gives me no respect at all. She goes out maybe every other night, and rings me at 2am. I put up with this all the time, never ever asking her to stop, yet last night when I refused to get out of bed to get a phone to ring her, she decided I was a **** and told me straight that she was considering dumping me.

    I don't know why she's with me. She tells me she misses me all the time, then ignores me when I go to visit her (it's an 8 hour train journey). I honestly think she cares more about her flatmate than she does about me, or even herself. She practically takes orders from her, doing all the housework in their flat and tending to her every need. When I questionned this, she said I was an attention-whore who did not want to share her with anyone else.

    When we are together, she begs me to give her orgasms with my hands, then pretty much point-blank refuses to have sex or give me oral. She knows I get no pleasure if she uses her hands on me.

    She finds a way to always belittle me and make me seem effeminate. She implies she wants threesomes with some of her best friends. Despite all this, she's actually not a whore. She's a bellringing farmer's daughter from the Yorkshire Dales.

    Friends: I effectively have two good friends. I can usally get along well with both of them. However, as soon as we're in a group larger than the three of us, they change.

    One is the typical boring guy who believes he's cool. He belittles me in front of anyone and everyone, putting me down to increase his "street cred" in front of mutual friends and constantly talking about his own achievements and successes to anyone and everyone, including me if there's no one else around.

    The other is a total nerd, always developing websites or whatnot that never set off. He seems a good friend, yet as soon as anything goes wrong, be it him dying in a game of Call of Duty or an event for Business at school, it's my fault. I'm the one that has ****** up, and deserves to be shouted at and screamed at.



    I'm not an utter idiot. I know that I'm a ****-up. I seem to have two personalities: on one hand I try be the funny outgoing entertainer, trying to make everyone laugh even at my own expense and working hard to do well. On the other I'm a distraught idiot; I've wasted the supposedly best parts of my life away. I can't escape from the fact I have friends who seem to hate me, a girlfriend/family/father that don't love me, and a mental case of a mother that has royally screwed up my life. I cannot get away from this failure of a life; I cannot start again; I do not know what my options are.

    I do not know whether I mean this as a cry for help, or just an outpouring of nerdrage at my failure of a life. I don't expect that anyone will read any/much of this, and even if you do don't feel pressured to reply. I'm not going to slash myself up (yet :o:) so don't feel like it's life or death whether or not you reply. Thanks for reading if you did, please don't think I'm just a whiney b*tch.
    This post is in particular reference to the slashing your wrist bit. I started doing this a few years back, probably when I was 12 or 13. If you believe in God or follow a religion then this will make you feel bad. Firstly, it's a sin of course and secondly God might punish you by making your life worse. Just try to get through life and make sure you work your ass off for your grades from now. Lets see 3 Bs not 3 Cs and maybe even 3 As. You never know if you get those 3 As then you could take a gap year and then apply to a uni in the top ten ranking. I've recently begun to start thinking like this after having so many suicidal thoughts that I have been inches away from taking away my life but I still slash my wrists as a coping strategy. I knwo that i'll be punished for this but for now i'm back on my feet and making sure I get where I want to be in life. Try talking to people regularly too because it really helped me. If you can't talk to your friends then come to tsr and PM me or other helpers. Oh and I think you need to get rid of your girlfriend...she's not good enough for you.
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    Your gf's a right b**ch and so are your friends. I know what it's like having a disfunctional mother (she was in the same state your mother is in). I ignored it got on with my life got moderate GCSEs, did ok in my A-levels and I've been offered to go to Sheffield Uni. It's not the top ten uni, but it damn is the best for my subject area. If the house is a wreck, sort it out. Use any means to get the dishes, washing, cleaning done. If you live in a clean area not only will you feel better, but hopefully so will your mum. It's often that if you live in a pig sty then you get depressed. Sounds like your friends aren't the best, but unless they go around shouting out all the personal secrets you tell them stick with them because they will give you some type of support and stability that you seem to need, or just totally dump them along with your gf and find a local group/ youth society so you can meet new people. If your friends **** you off in front of people, and take the micky out of you, literally tell them "shutup you ****" and walk away. Maybe if you show them that you can be angry sometimes, they will take you more seriously and not think you are a push over. Be a bit selfish, that's the only way your ever gonna survive. You come alone and you die alone, what matters is whether you think you gave it your best shot before you go. PM if needed.
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    I think you need to take all the things that have happened to you and make them into a strength. How many other people do you think could of coped with what you have been through? You have made it to A levels, you have already proved that even though you have been through a lot you have can get through it.

    I would suggest that you go and see a teacher you like to talk about your problems and that you are struggling with your work load. Work as hard as you can to get your A levels and don't let anyone tell you that you can't.

    If you want to go to another university, maybe take a gap year and take some more A Levels, get some work experience etc. Although, former Polytechnic's aren't actually that bad, shock! Horror! It's what you choose to do and how hard you work that makes the experience.

    As for your girlfriend I think you know that you don't want to be with her, but just can't let her go. Does she makes you feel miserable a lot of the time and then when she is nice to you it's this great feeling?

    You need to build your confidence, maybe take up a new hobby or something you can do outside of your peer group e.g. football (whatever you like) it might help with stress too.
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    Seek help. Seriously. And not the TSR kind either.
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    I just wanted to say I think you're coping really well, better than a lot of people would in your situation. You come across as a clever guy and remember any university will be what you make it - new friends, independence etc. Good luck.
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    You're only 17. You've still got the rest of your life to do with what you will. Your childhood must have been awful - but don't forget that you can change your future to whatever you want it to be.

    Here's my advice. Start working hard in school, and get the best grades you can. You say you're a **** up. Education is your ticket to a good degree, a good job and a better life. In the short term, uni could be a chance to reinvent yourself and start again - meet new people and make new friends. Next, think seriously whether you want to stay with your girlfriend or not. You're in a LDR, so you probably don't see her much: just think, is she making you happy? Or making you feel worse? Ask yourself the same questions about your friends, then cut out the things that make you unhappy.

    Oh, and one good piece of advice someone gave me once: People can only put you down if you allow them to. If you have a problem, do something about it.
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    OK, I havn't read the post yet, but I just wanted to say that I've been suicidal and have attempted it, but I am not an emo. Being depressed etc doesn't make you an emo.
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    ok, you've come to the right person
    time to give your life a makeover

    1. first off, not a fan of your girlfriend, get rid of her, cheerforthememoriesthankyouverym uchhhh

    2. number two, get new friends. i'd probably clap the first one in the face he sounds like an absolute ****. however don't try and be the entertainer, trying is failing. join a football team, that's my advice

    3. your mother, clearly a nut job. i'd get out of there ASAP before she tries to convert you to said reptiliarism.

    last but by no means whatsoever least, i recommend occupying the presumably vast quantities of unoccupied time you possess doing something contructive that you can work towards

    i'm personally setting up a record label from scratch, and yes, it does keep me very active and is social in the process

    read my words, heed my words
    i guaruntee an immediate improvement ahhh
    • #2
    #2

    u need a distraction- i say sports..rugby is good if u want to take out some anger in a more sporty way

    also, believe in a reason for life..there may be reasons behind everything youre going through..look for those reasons..are u being tested?moment u believe, youll see light at the end of the tunnel and youll get through

    cheers man!

    life is a **** which you have to make *** to get passed it
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    There's a lot of worse ways to spend your time on the internet than reading up on David Icke.
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    You can't be more of a **** up then I was at 17, but things do change! 8 years on and it seems like a lifetime ago.

    Also, imagine how satisfying it will be to dump that mad ***** of a gf. Picture her face and lol xD
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    Everyone feels like this sometimes, your life really isn't that bad compared to some people. Loads of peoples' Dad's run off and leave and I know it'll be hard, but it's no excuse to blame you going to an unrepeated university because of it. I can see how your Mum will have an effect on your life and it must be hard for you, but you should be going into school and instead of proving everyone right, "Oh, he's the one who's Dad run away and his Mum had mental problems, he won't achieve anything in life", you have to prove them wrong. Although what school you go to helps, at the end of the day, it's all about if you want to put in the work or not. Just because you go to the top fee paying school in the country doesn't mean you'll come out with straight As. You say you can get AAA at A level, then why didn't you work hard at your AS levels and apply to a top university? You obviously want to do well and go to a good university so why not do it? Even if it means retaking A levels and applying to university again. Also why did you even read your Mum's diary? My Mum keeps a diary but I would never dare read it, I'd be too scared to hear what she said about me! I know I complain about her in mine.

    You don't seem to have a very good relationship with your girlfriend and you're not happy so just dump her. She sounds like a ***** if I'm honest, then again I don't know both sides of the story. With your friends, just stick with them for now, you only have a few months left at school until you go to university and just make new friends there. Everyone has friends who are a bit funny like that and one minute they like you the next they don't. I know you've had a bit of a family mess up but that really is no excuse, I don't think. At first I thought maybe you didn't have friends, but not only do you have friends but you have a girlfriend! Not having friends can make things ten times worse but at least you have some. Just look on the bright side and do the best you can and try and change your life around.

    EDIT: Also just because your girlfriend is a farmer's daughter doesn't affect her personality. I'm a farmer’s daughter and people used to expect me to be quaint and shy...now they accept I'm a complete nutcase.
 
 
 
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