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Thinking about breaking up.. watch

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    Hey Umm.. I'm going to sound really pathetic and stupid but here it goes...

    I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. We have had an up and down relationship, and in September I moved away to go to University. He visits every Sunday - Tuesday , so he is pretty much very involved with my life away from home.

    My main problem is that... he smokes too much weed. As in 4 or 5 times a day, and it's got to the point where not only has it physically changed him, but it's mentally changed him, to the point where he has become short tempered with me if I so much as try to attempt to get him out of my bed before 3pm, if I want to cook a meal in my flat instead of gong out for one because I can't afford it, if I don't want him smoking in my flat, if I want to walk somewhere instead of getting a taxi, and lots of other reasons.

    My head is telling me to break up with him, but my heart is telling me to hang in there and maybe things will get better. I'm really scared if I break up with him, he was so much a part of my life, loads of things remind me of him,he was my support when I went through various bad times... I can't escape loads of the memories at Uni because he came to visit so much... I feel like it would take me forever to get over him, and I don't know if I should. I'm kinda confused :/ help!
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    Dump him, and tell him that if he wants you back he'll have to give up all that ****. It wont get better unless you do something about it.
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    I think to help someone in his position you need to be living together...
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    Dump him, he sounds like hes acting like a loser.

    Unless you do something about it, he has no reason to change, it wont just get better because you hope it will, you need to change something.
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    yeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh man jus chilllin innit
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    get rid of him. but tell him the truth, don't try and ditch him with a crappy excuse.

    but no it sounds like you do need to get out of it. and getting over him will be alot easier as he isn't at your uni. just cut him completely out of your life. delete his number, delete him off facebook, everything. i personally wouldn't delete photos with him in it though, just move them to a folder hidden deep in your computer so you're unlikely to stumble across them.

    my ex lives literally 20 meters away from me, so i have to see her multiple times a day. that makes it damn impossible to forget and get over her
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    It sounds like you still like him, but his drug habit is getting in the way.
    Have you tried talking to him about it, or recording his behaviour so that when he's having a good day you can show him how he can act at times? Just having a heart-to-heart, saying how you're feeling and how much you think it's damaging your relationship may help.

    You don't want to become his counsellor, but at the same time it's the weed abuse that's causing this change, and if it's affecting your relationship chances are it's affecting other parts of his life, too.

    Does he live with his family, or friends, or anybody that you could speak to about this?
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    If your heart is stopping you from breaking up with him, try and have a one to one and explain how you feel and see how he feels about what he is currently doing. If things do not improve much after the conversation I'd say you have to think about whether you want to stay in the relationship.
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    (Original post by Muffinz)
    Dump him, and tell him that if he wants you back he'll have to give up all that ****. It wont get better unless you do something about it.
    Has to be done
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    i know this may sound stupid, but it reminds me of the whole thing with cheryl cole and her ex-boyfriend druggie... and she got fed up to the point where she told him its either me or the drugs... now i'm not saying she's the best role model or anything, but she did the right thing then. i think you should follow suit (just my two cents)

    good luckkk, whatever you choose to do :jumphug:
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    (Original post by Doodahdoo)
    It sounds like you still like him, but his drug habit is getting in the way.
    Have you tried talking to him about it, or recording his behaviour so that when he's having a good day you can show him how he can act at times? Just having a heart-to-heart, saying how you're feeling and how much you think it's damaging your relationship may help.

    You don't want to become his counsellor, but at the same time it's the weed abuse that's causing this change, and if it's affecting your relationship chances are it's affecting other parts of his life, too.

    Does he live with his family, or friends, or anybody that you could speak to about this?
    I have tried talking to him about it on various occasions. One time, it seemed to get through to him, as I was crying and obviously upset by it all. He stopped for all of 3 days and then carried on again. Ever since I've tried to tell him it's harming him , he's losing weight because it affects his eating habits, it's making his moods erratic and he needs to stop , for his own benefit. But he won't , he said I've got to stop for me, not for anyone else, no one else can affect my decisions. I don't understand his family because they seem like really nice people , with a hell of a lot of money. He hides his weed underneath his mattress and his mum has found it on several occasions but hasn't seem to have done anything about it. His older brother does it lots, and all of his friends , bar one, do it. I've spoken to him, and he said he tries to distract him from doing it by inviting him to play xbox games or whatever, but he still does it.

    I just can't believe how much it's got to him, and he doesn't seem to realise. He smokes just before he goes to bed, so he doesn't get out of bed until he has to go to work, goes to work all day, smokes in his break, finishes work at 10pm, smokes after that , smokes after work with friends, goes home and smokes, its just ridiculous. I can't seem to approach it with him anymore without him getting angry.

    EDIT: I realise about the de-anonification.. oh well! haha.
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    Get rid 4-5 times day is way too much
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    (Original post by DiamondsAreForever)
    I have tried talking to him about it on various occasions. One time, it seemed to get through to him, as I was crying and obviously upset by it all. He stopped for all of 3 days and then carried on again.

    ...he said I've got to stop for me, not for anyone else, no one else can affect my decisions.

    I can't seem to approach it with him anymore without him getting angry.
    It sounds to me as though he doesn't want to stop, and his addiction is more important to him than your feelings. You've tried talking to him, he knows it upsets you but still he carries on. This puts you in a very difficult position, I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. I think you've done everything right so far, and I agree that probably your only other option is breaking up, as hard as that may be. You deserve someone who puts your feelings first, it's very sad that he isn't doing that but it sounds like you've reached the stage now where you're not going to be able to get through to him.

    I hope things turn out well for you, whatever you decide.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey Umm.. I'm going to sound really pathetic and stupid but here it goes...

    I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. We have had an up and down relationship, and in September I moved away to go to University. He visits every Sunday - Tuesday , so he is pretty much very involved with my life away from home.

    My main problem is that... he smokes too much weed. As in 4 or 5 times a day, and it's got to the point where not only has it physically changed him, but it's mentally changed him, to the point where he has become short tempered with me if I so much as try to attempt to get him out of my bed before 3pm, if I want to cook a meal in my flat instead of gong out for one because I can't afford it, if I don't want him smoking in my flat, if I want to walk somewhere instead of getting a taxi, and lots of other reasons.

    My head is telling me to break up with him, but my heart is telling me to hang in there and maybe things will get better. I'm really scared if I break up with him, he was so much a part of my life, loads of things remind me of him,he was my support when I went through various bad times... I can't escape loads of the memories at Uni because he came to visit so much... I feel like it would take me forever to get over him, and I don't know if I should. I'm kinda confused :/ help!
    Imo now you should give him all the support he needs. Don't listen to people who advise you to get rid of him. Surely, you still have feelings for him, so you would regret it. He's obviously mentally addicted to weed, you should help him.
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    4 or 5 times A DAY?? thats a lot of gear!
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    (Original post by Butterflyleg)
    Imo now you should give him all the support he needs. Don't listen to people who advise you to get rid of him. Surely, you still have feelings for him, so you would regret it. He's obviously mentally addicted to weed, you should help him.
    I am trying to help him, I've offered to go to support groups with him , I've offered that he can come stay with me at Uni for longer if it means he will be away from it... but it's hard for me to support him when his family, brothers , friends all let him get on with it.
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    (Original post by DiamondsAreForever)
    I am trying to help him, I've offered to go to support groups with him , I've offered that he can come stay with me at Uni for longer if it means he will be away from it... but it's hard for me to support him when his family, brothers , friends all let him get on with it.
    You can offer him all the support in the world (and good on you for being supportive), but if he doesn't want to accept it, it won't do him any good. Yes, he may have helped you in the past, but you wanted his help. The difference here is that he doesn't want yours. You even said he gets angry when you try to raise the subject, as if you're doing something wrong by mentioning it.

    OP, I don't really see what more you can do. If it's a serious addiction, he'll probably need professional help to get over it and you can't provide that. You can point him in the right direction, which you've already done, but you can't force him. There comes a point where you have to accept you can't do any more, and then you have to decide whether you want to keep putting up with his behaviour.
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    Have you tried actually talking to his family? I realise it's a billion times easier for me to give you advice like it's all easy and viable to do but it might be an option? Tell them what you've told him - that you really like him but you think the weed is affecting the relationship and that maybe they can be more supportive of you so that in turn they will be more supportive of him?

    I may be entirely wrong in this but I don't think you should split up with him straight away. You clearly really like him and it's far too easy for someone to reply with "break up" whereas in real life it's so much harder to do - remember, they don't have feelings for him but YOU do.

    At some point, however, it will get all too much if he doesn't change. I think there is nothing you can do but try reach out to him and really get him to see your point of view. If he's worth it he will understand he can't keep going like this because he will end up losing you. I really hope it works out for you but clearly it seems that you care a lot about him and you don't want to be going like this forever getting hurt just because he won't give up an addiction.
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    (Original post by Aelred)
    You can offer him all the support in the world (and good on you for being supportive), but if he doesn't want to accept it, it won't do him any good. Yes, he may have helped you in the past, but you wanted his help. The difference here is that he doesn't want yours. You even said he gets angry when you try to raise the subject, as if you're doing something wrong by mentioning it.
    I just don't understand how his parents can just sit back and let him do it... even his work knows that he does it and they don't do anything.. I can understand his friends not caring because they do it just as much themselves, its crazy. I've got an immediate problem in that, he offered to take me back to Uni today as my parents can't due to their ill-health, but now he's saying it will have to be tomorrow, which is too late, and I can't get hold of him to say I'll find the money for a train,he's turned his phone off, so if he finds out I've gone without him, it'll make him even more angry . :confused:
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    (Original post by kai4321)
    Have you tried actually talking to his family? I realise it's a billion times easier for me to give you advice like it's all easy and viable to do but it might be an option? Tell them what you've told him - that you really like him but you think the weed is affecting the relationship and that maybe they can be more supportive of you so that in turn they will be more supportive of him?

    I may be entirely wrong in this but I don't think you should split up with him straight away. You clearly really like him and it's far too easy for someone to reply with "break up" whereas in real life it's so much harder to do - remember, they don't have feelings for him but YOU do.

    At some point, however, it will get all too much if he doesn't change. I think there is nothing you can do but try reach out to him and really get him to see your point of view. If he's worth it he will understand he can't keep going like this because he will end up losing you. I really hope it works out for you but clearly it seems that you care a lot about him and you don't want to be going like this forever getting hurt just because he won't give up an addiction.
    Thanks Umm.. I'm not entirely sure just how much his parents know. I know they know he does it, but just how much he does it, im not too sure. It could be an idea that I talk to his mum as she is lovely, but then she would want to talk to him about it, and he would know it was me. I suppose it's all for his good in the long run, whether it means we are together or not..
 
 
 
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