Boyfriend, uni, engagement help! Watch

bittersweetxsymphony
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I'm in such a dilemma, I don't know what to do with myself. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I'm very attached to him, I love him and I know that we want the same things in the future. I often hint about getting engaged and he seems keen. I don't think he's planning anything yet but it's definitely on the table.
I've applied to Plymouth, Bournemouth and Cardiff universities to study midwifery. Plymouth would be ideal for us because he works there and we could move in together and start a life together. However, I'm not sure if I'm going to get into Plymouth and may have to go further away.
The best way to describe how I'm feeling is claustrophobic. I've lived in Cornwall all my life and I've never really left. I'm young and I'm going to start this amazing but very demanding career and all of a sudden I'm feeling like I need to run away and start again in a new area.

Our relationship is not perfect, I do love him and we get on well most of the time but he can be quite snappy and difficult. He makes me feel akward and guilty sometimes and I know this would make it really hard if we were living far apart.

Part of me wants to go and make new friends and move away and meet a new guy who will be better for me. But another part of me wants to stay close, live with him, get married, have a family. I've always been a homely person and very family orientated. This claustrophobic feeling is completely new to me and I don't know what to do.
My boyfriend brought up the engagement thing and I said that I wanted to wait a while until I know where I'm going to uni and he doesn't understand how I feel. I've always been the one who wants the family and the engagement but now I'm not sure and he doesn't know why.

I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I'm risking turning my life upside down and losing everything. But I could find someone new and make new friends. Argh why is this so hard?
Any help or advice that anyone could give me? x
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Anonymous #1
#2
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#2
I'm in the exact same situation and it is bloody awful. I have no advice for you other than to have a serious think about it. That's what I'm doing. I can't see my future without him in it but I can't decide if that's because of habit or love.
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Anonymous #2
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I don't think you can really enter a marriage with such serious doubts. If you're feeling claustrophobic now, how will you feel when your tied to this guy legally? I mean it's a big scary commitment even for the most certain couples.

Maybe it's just cold feet.. or maybe I'm some kind of idealist, but *almost* all of you should want to get married, if you're gonna do it, not just a part of you.

If there's a big part of you that thinks you would prefer to meet a new guy who is quote "better for me" - just indicates that this guy isn't what you think is best for you - so err... don't get married.

You can always leave it until you feel more sure, at the very least.
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bittersweetxsymphony
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It's awful isn't it! I can't imagine my life without him. I keep telling myself that I won't make a decision until I get offers from universities so that I can make a proper decision. But I can't stop thinking about it. What if he proposes! I would say yes and I would be happy but I just don't know if it's right
I just so scared! I'm scared of being on my own but I'm scared of being in an unhappy relationship. I know I should wait until I'm certain. But I'm so uncertain about everything and I'm petrified of making the wrong decisions.
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Sakura-Chan
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Honestly, go where you want to go, disregard him completely and see what happens.

Meeting new people and making friends and meeting a new guy don't necessarily go hand in hand. You can have the time of your life and it might not involve a new guy.

Just, don't be hasty and don't ruin your relationship before you've started out at uni. Maybe have a word with him about the engagement, not specifically, but just casually say that it's a bit too soon and you'd like when you get engaged you'd like it to be when you've graduated and you can start making proper plans to get married?
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fantasystar38
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Go where you want to go. Then you won't have regrets.

How would you feel if actually you would have prefered Cardiff, but went to Plymouth and then broke up?

Love knows no distance, if it's meant to be it will work. Don't be hasty, but go for what you want!
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caradepan
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Take your time to decide... marriage is for the next 70 years or so, think about it.
A bad comittment can literally ruin your life!!!
My personal opinion is that you should follow that part of you that's telling you to
embrace a new life, meet new people, etc.
If he is the one for you, he will understand that and won't be selfish.
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Sabertooth
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(Original post by bittersweetxsymphony)
It's awful isn't it! I can't imagine my life without him. I keep telling myself that I won't make a decision until I get offers from universities so that I can make a proper decision. But I can't stop thinking about it. What if he proposes! I would say yes and I would be happy but I just don't know if it's right
I just so scared! I'm scared of being on my own but I'm scared of being in an unhappy relationship. I know I should wait until I'm certain. But I'm so uncertain about everything and I'm petrified of making the wrong decisions.
I agree with anon#2, it's a big commitment and you shouldn't be making it if you're only part sure. It's not fair on you to tie yourself forever like this but even more so it's not fair on him. Just here you said you'd say yes but wtf? Why? You don't sound like you think he's "the one" for you so why would you marry him. It sounds like you see being with him as the easy path, but I think you owe it to him to be honest with him. Why marry someone you'll probably divorce later or cheat on with someone you meet who is "better for" you?
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OrdinaryDay
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I was like this. I'd been with someone for two years and it got to the point where I needed to either put up with being restless and accept that we'd probably end up together (but I knew I might get very unhappy with the situation, even though I did love him) or take a risk and start again.

So I did the second thing and that was six months ago. Since then I've met lots of nice people, had a couple of not very serious relationships but just not stressed, and I can honestly say it's such a relief. If it was "meant to be", you'll drift together again at some stage.
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BunnyS:)
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How old are you OP?
If he;s your first serious boyfriend, then how can you commit to marriage and totally changing the course of your life? :dontknow:
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member312105
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Long distance works if you have a good relationship :yep: Go where YOU want to go, I can't stress this enough. Go out and experience uni properly in any case - even if I was in the same city as my boyfriend I wouldn't live with him at uni :nope:
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm in the exact same situation and it is bloody awful. I have no advice for you other than to have a serious think about it. That's what I'm doing. I can't see my future without him in it but I can't decide if that's because of habit or love.

That, is how i'm feeling at the minute
It sucks.
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AidanLunn
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Well, if you're considering going with someone else then surely you both shouldn't be together?

just a suggestion . . .
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Rachhyyyy
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the fact your quesioning it would make me think that u should NOT get engaged and move in together, if u go away for uni, decide what u want, if your ment to be togther u will stay togther/get back together after uni?!
i think u need some space, going away for uni sounds like a perfect get away where u can really decide what u want, the fact u said u "want to find another guy" must tell u that u and yr bf arent ment to be???
i dont no, i would hate to be going to uni with a bf (if it happens to me my bf will be in devon and ill be at uni in scotland.....!!)
good luck with it, it will all wotk out for the best in the end!
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Barden
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(Original post by bittersweetxsymphony)
I'm in such a dilemma, I don't know what to do with myself. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I'm very attached to him, I love him and I know that we want the same things in the future. I often hint about getting engaged and he seems keen. I don't think he's planning anything yet but it's definitely on the table.
I've applied to Plymouth, Bournemouth and Cardiff universities to study midwifery. Plymouth would be ideal for us because he works there and we could move in together and start a life together. However, I'm not sure if I'm going to get into Plymouth and may have to go further away.
The best way to describe how I'm feeling is claustrophobic. I've lived in Cornwall all my life and I've never really left. I'm young and I'm going to start this amazing but very demanding career and all of a sudden I'm feeling like I need to run away and start again in a new area.

Our relationship is not perfect, I do love him and we get on well most of the time but he can be quite snappy and difficult. He makes me feel akward and guilty sometimes and I know this would make it really hard if we were living far apart.

Part of me wants to go and make new friends and move away and meet a new guy who will be better for me. But another part of me wants to stay close, live with him, get married, have a family. I've always been a homely person and very family orientated. This claustrophobic feeling is completely new to me and I don't know what to do.
My boyfriend brought up the engagement thing and I said that I wanted to wait a while until I know where I'm going to uni and he doesn't understand how I feel. I've always been the one who wants the family and the engagement but now I'm not sure and he doesn't know why.

I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I'm risking turning my life upside down and losing everything. But I could find someone new and make new friends. Argh why is this so hard?
Any help or advice that anyone could give me? x

thats ur answer imo
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alexa123
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I would suggest try not to panic until you have got all your offers then you can make a more clear decision.

Personally if i was you my gut instinct would be to go away, continue with the relationship and see how things plan out. If you both really truely are right for each other he would understand that you need to think about university and sort that out before getting engaged. If a part of you wonders about going and finding something else that would be a clear indication to me that maybe you are not ready to get married and commit to him. People can change when they move out from home, see more of life, get new friends etc. so i would just take one step at a time. Maybe you need to get away from home, be more independent and meet new people. If life takes you in a different direction, one that doesn't include your boyfriend then im afraid that is just life- if you finish uni and are still with him then you know how you feel and maybe what you really want.
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bittersweetxsymphony
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I'm not saying that I want to go away and find a new guy straight away I just think that if I go away I might meet someone else. It's just we are in a long distance relationship now as we live an hour away and the distance is getting to both of us. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to stand in my way but he's getting really sh.itty with me because I said that I wasn't sure about getting engaged. He keeps saying that because I've talked about it it's made him think about it and now I'm changing my mind so he's confused bla bla.
I'm 19 and yes this is my first serious relationship. It's not perfect but I do love him, and I'm not naive enough to expect complete perfection from a relationship. I believe it's something you have to work on.

I know I need to wait until I've got my offers (if I get any) and then decide what to do but it's on my mind now and it's making me feel sick with worry. It's just that with midwifery I will be working nights, weekends and all sorts of shifts ontop of doing all my uni work and it's going to be so hard. I just don't know when we would actually see each other.

I just hate being split between two places. If I went to Cardiff I probably wouldn't be able to settle there because I'd be thinking about being with my boyfriend. I might not make good friendships because I'd be running back to Cornwall at every minute. I just don't know how to make it work!
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usernamegoeshere
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wooooooooah hold on a min, at 19 you don't need marriage- maybe you marry this guy or maybe you don't, but getting married right now would be an additional stress too! Think about it this way, if you can get through three years of a really hard degree and at the end of it you still want to be together you'll know you can do it. And if not, you'll have your youth and your career and plenty of time
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Lizj
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Why the rush to get engaged at 19? You almost certainly won't be able to get married until you graduate and start work, in four years time.
If you are committed to a future together, then your relationship will survive and grow while you are at uni, whichever it may be. If the relationship is not meant to be, and you don't have a future together, then it won't survive anyway. Being engaged will make no difference. It's your commitment to each other that matters, not a ring on your finger.
I think 19 is too young to be sure that marriage is right. Get out and see the world, meet lots of new people. If he is still the one you want in 3 years' time, and if he is still there, you will have a whole lifetime to be together and build your family.
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Anonymous #4
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You're only 19, why do you want to get married so young? You don't have to get married just to stay together, and if you feel that engagement/marriage are so neccessary right now then perhaps you're not comfortable that you'll stay together without tying eachother down? In which case you should definitely not get married and probably reconsider your relationship.
A marriage is really hard work, you'll have to pay rent if you live together so your degree will be very hard to keep up if your boyfriend's not earning a high wage. You really shouldn't want to lose all your independence at 19.
I have a boyfriend who I love and have been with for a long time, and at some point in the future it would be lovely to think about getting married and having a family, but not until we're at least 25. Next year we're both going to different unis and although I'll miss him it'll be great to do something apart and make new friends away from him, and we'll still visit eachother regularly.
If you truly love eachother and want to get married then you should be able to spend some time apart without splitting up. If not then would you have lasted a whole marriage? Probably not.
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