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Boyfriend, uni, engagement help! watch

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    (Original post by jennikay)
    Long distance works if you have a good relationship :yep: Go where YOU want to go, I can't stress this enough. Go out and experience uni properly in any case - even if I was in the same city as my boyfriend I wouldn't live with him at uni :nope:
    :ditto: Pick the uni you want to go to, take him out of the situation for the moment and pick the uni you like best and go there. If you go to a uni you're not going to be happy with, just to make him happy then you'll end up resenting him. Yes Long distance is hard but it's worth it and it can work if you have a strong relationship, if people break up in LDRs it's not the distance that does it but underlying issues in the relationship! As the above poster said if you have a good relationship then it will work.
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    (Original post by bittersweetxsymphony)
    I'm not saying that I want to go away and find a new guy straight away I just think that if I go away I might meet someone else. It's just we are in a long distance relationship now as we live an hour away and the distance is getting to both of us. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to stand in my way but he's getting really sh.itty with me because I said that I wasn't sure about getting engaged. He keeps saying that because I've talked about it it's made him think about it and now I'm changing my mind so he's confused bla bla.
    I'm 19 and yes this is my first serious relationship. It's not perfect but I do love him, and I'm not naive enough to expect complete perfection from a relationship. I believe it's something you have to work on.

    I know I need to wait until I've got my offers (if I get any) and then decide what to do but it's on my mind now and it's making me feel sick with worry. It's just that with midwifery I will be working nights, weekends and all sorts of shifts ontop of doing all my uni work and it's going to be so hard. I just don't know when we would actually see each other.

    I just hate being split between two places. If I went to Cardiff I probably wouldn't be able to settle there because I'd be thinking about being with my boyfriend. I might not make good friendships because I'd be running back to Cornwall at every minute. I just don't know how to make it work!
    You probably will meet someone else :dontknow: I know I've met people I've been attracted to while at uni, doesn't mean anything though, they pale in comparison. You certainly can't avoid the rest of the male population forever because you're scared of finding someone better :dontknow:

    Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick here.

    I dunno, I always thought that until I was 20ish I should be having fun, not worrying about the future. I mean, I want to marry my boyfriend but we're not getting engaged until after uni tbh :no:
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    (Original post by jennikay)
    You probably will meet someone else :dontknow: I know I've met people I've been attracted to while at uni, doesn't mean anything though, they pale in comparison. You certainly can't avoid the rest of the male population forever because you're scared of finding someone better :dontknow:

    Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick here.

    I dunno, I always thought that until I was 20ish I should be having fun, not worrying about the future. I mean, I want to marry my boyfriend but we're not getting engaged until after uni tbh :no:
    No you've hit the nail on the head there. I am quite attractive and I'm going to be working with doctors and paramedics and physiotherapists and loads of guys who I will probably be attracted to.
    And my boyfriend said to me that he doens't want me living with other guys. I'm unlikely to live in halls, I will probably be in a shared house with other health students. It's just such an unreasonable demand to make!
    • #5
    #5

    I have been in a similar situation. I was in a commited 3 year relationship and we met at Uni. Last January he got a Job which meant he had to move away. At the time i was very upset as we spent all our time together and I was sure we would be getting engaged. However, time apart made me realise I wasn't in love with him and that I didnt want to marry him.
    He would get snappy and grumpy with me and he always seemed to be making small comments about me which, at first I thought was him showing he cared but now I realise was just unnessessary. I would say that moving away will be scarey and daunting at first but will make you so much stronger and independent. There is also another plus for moving away, as it will make you realise whether you actually want to be with him. I believe that long distance relationships can work, but only with the right person.
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    (Original post by bittersweetxsymphony)
    No you've hit the nail on the head there. I am quite attractive and I'm going to be working with doctors and paramedics and physiotherapists and loads of guys who I will probably be attracted to.
    And my boyfriend said to me that he doens't want me living with other guys. I'm unlikely to live in halls, I will probably be in a shared house with other health students. It's just such an unreasonable demand to make!
    All I'm saying is, what's wrong with finding someone better?

    I loved my ex, but in the end I knew I could find someone who would treat me better - I missed the whole routine for a long time, but I found my current boyfriend and we don't even have to make it work right now, we just click :dontknow:
    We probably will at some point, but while I'm young I don't want to have to put in loads of effort into a relationship. That's not to say I'm apathetic about it - just that it doesn't take 'effort' for me to go and see him on a weekend - I love going to see him.

    I'd probably suggest going to uni where's best for you, and seeing how this relationship works while you're at uni. And live where you want too - if living with all girls is unreasonable, tell him that.
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    (Original post by jennikay)
    All I'm saying is, what's wrong with finding someone better?

    I loved my ex, but in the end I knew I could find someone who would treat me better - I missed the whole routine for a long time, but I found my current boyfriend and we don't even have to make it work right now, we just click :dontknow:
    We probably will at some point, but while I'm young I don't want to have to put in loads of effort into a relationship. That's not to say I'm apathetic about it - just that it doesn't take 'effort' for me to go and see him on a weekend - I love going to see him.

    I'd probably suggest going to uni where's best for you, and seeing how this relationship works while you're at uni. And live where you want too - if living with all girls is unreasonable, tell him that.
    The only problem is that I'm scared. I'm so petrified about leaving him. I know that I could probably find someone who will treat me better but I'm not very confident around guys and they don't seem to ever go for me. Not that I'm only with my bf because I don't think I'll find anyone else, I genuinely do love him but sometimes he can be an absolute ****.
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    (Original post by bittersweetxsymphony)
    The only problem is that I'm scared. I'm so petrified about leaving him. I know that I could probably find someone who will treat me better but I'm not very confident around guys and they don't seem to ever go for me. Not that I'm only with my bf because I don't think I'll find anyone else, I genuinely do love him but sometimes he can be an absolute ****.
    :sadnod: my ex was like that. He tried to control my uni choices, kept me fat, was really nervous about me having male friends etc. In the end I left him because I couldn't take it any more.

    Incidentally, we're friends now and we get on far better than we used to as boyfriend/girlfriend :p:

    In the end it's up to you, but I think you know what you want really...
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    (Original post by bittersweetxsymphony)
    I'm in such a dilemma, I don't know what to do with myself. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I'm very attached to him, I love him and I know that we want the same things in the future. I often hint about getting engaged and he seems keen. I don't think he's planning anything yet but it's definitely on the table.
    I've applied to Plymouth, Bournemouth and Cardiff universities to study midwifery. Plymouth would be ideal for us because he works there and we could move in together and start a life together. However, I'm not sure if I'm going to get into Plymouth and may have to go further away.
    The best way to describe how I'm feeling is claustrophobic. I've lived in Cornwall all my life and I've never really left. I'm young and I'm going to start this amazing but very demanding career and all of a sudden I'm feeling like I need to run away and start again in a new area.

    Our relationship is not perfect, I do love him and we get on well most of the time but he can be quite snappy and difficult. He makes me feel akward and guilty sometimes and I know this would make it really hard if we were living far apart.

    Part of me wants to go and make new friends and move away and meet a new guy who will be better for me. But another part of me wants to stay close, live with him, get married, have a family. I've always been a homely person and very family orientated. This claustrophobic feeling is completely new to me and I don't know what to do.
    My boyfriend brought up the engagement thing and I said that I wanted to wait a while until I know where I'm going to uni and he doesn't understand how I feel. I've always been the one who wants the family and the engagement but now I'm not sure and he doesn't know why.

    I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I'm risking turning my life upside down and losing everything. But I could find someone new and make new friends. Argh why is this so hard?
    Any help or advice that anyone could give me? x
    If I were you, I'd try and stop worrying for now and wait until you get all your offers. You may find that you don't get into Plymouth and that makes up your mind. This doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship, long distance can work. I live near Brighton and my boyfriend is at university at Bristol and it's working just fine. However, if your relationship can't survive the distance then surely that answers your question about whether you should marry him? It sounds stupid but if it's meant to be, it will happen.
    You say you've never been outside Cornwall and if you're applying to university this probably means your about 18 and this is your first serious boyfriend? Personally I think you get out of your comfort zone a bit because if you don't and you marry young and start a family, you might end up resenting him for holding you back, even if it was you who made the decision to stay because of him.
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    (Original post by steph_v)
    If I were you, I'd try and stop worrying for now and wait until you get all your offers. You may find that you don't get into Plymouth and that makes up your mind. This doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship, long distance can work. I live near Brighton and my boyfriend is at university at Bristol and it's working just fine. However, if your relationship can't survive the distance then surely that answers your question about whether you should marry him? It sounds stupid but if it's meant to be, it will happen.
    You say you've never been outside Cornwall and if you're applying to university this probably means your about 18 and this is your first serious boyfriend? Personally I think you get out of your comfort zone a bit because if you don't and you marry young and start a family, you might end up resenting him for holding you back, even if it was you who made the decision to stay because of him.
    I'm 19 and I have been out of Cornwall, just not a lot! I went to London once, went to Bournemouth the other day and been to Scotland once. Which is nothing! I do feel that I need to be out of my comfort zone a bit. I feel that I need to become a stronger person and become more independant. I feel quite weak at the moment. I want to experience life!
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    If the someone else/someone better idea is in your mind at all, doesn't that tell you something that maybe you are not enitrely happy?If you think there is someone better out there for you, then there maybe someone better out there for him too, so it seems to me it would make sense to break up while you're at uni, you can look around, so can he, if you find that someone better, good, if not maybe you can try again with your current boyfriend at a later stage.
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    You are not fully committed to your boyfriend/relationship if you think you can do better and suspect that you may easily meet other guys that you will be attracted to. You are not being true to yourself or you bf, your heart is clearly not in it. Thinking about getting engaged with the doubts that you have coupled with the fact that you are starting uni & may be in a ldr is incredibly naive. But of course, you know all of this. Being a divorcee in your twenties is not a good look!
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    That's the point though! I don't want to get engaged yet because for me engagement is as valuable and important as marraige. I know plenty of young people who get engaged just because they get bored of being boyfriend and girlfriend and they always end up breaking up. When I get engaged I want the ring, the party, the wedding planning and to be at least living with my partner!
    He seems to want to get engaged so that he will have more of a hold over me at uni. Which isn't right! He says he feels hurt and let down by what I said but at least I was honest!
    I think this has to end. It doesn't feel right anymore. I don't think I'm happy. But how do I end it? I want it to be mature and to just say that I had a great 4 years but that this isn't working anymore. But I know it will be a huge row and I'll cry and look pathetic. I'm not going to do anything until I know about uni but it's going to be on my mind.
    • #6
    #6

    I was in this position, (he quit uni to move to Plymouth to be near me) but broke up with him. It was awful, but I'm in a much better place now, I feel like I've got more experience and grown up a lot now I've been there and come back. If you have any niggling doubts, don't do it - cold feet is what you get right before the wedding and weeks before this you feel 100%.
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    The thing that worries me is that when you break up with someone everyone says to spend loads of time with your friends. But I don't have many friends. All of my school friends would be so great to me and would help me through it and comfort me but they have all gone away to uni and rarely come home so I don't get to see them.
    My college friends are useless, none of them have ever been in a relationship so they don't know how I feel and they aren't very supportive or caring. When I think about it, my boyfriend is my entire life. I talk to him about everything. I keep going to and fro with my decisions, one minute I'm definite that breaking up is the right thing to do and the next I'm wanting to cling on for dear life to him.
 
 
 
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