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Had an abortion - boyfriend found out! watch

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    Ok so in a situation and I don’t know what to do.

    A couple of months ago I found out I was pregnant and immediately aborted it without a second thought. There is no way I can have a baby at this stage of my life and I never plan to have a baby ever – I’m not a maternal women.

    I didn’t consult the ex as I knew he would force me to keep it (I broke up with him straight after I found out I was pregnant)

    Some history on me and the ex:
    We’ve been on/off for 5 years. He is way more attached to me than I to him. As much as I love him I have problems in holding down a relationship – fears of commitment and abandonment which I can’t be bothered to go in detail – most of all our problems in the relationship stem from me e.g some months I would be ok and things would ok between us then I would leave him out of the blue as I felt I was being smothered and needed space. He is a very loving man and says I am “the one” he will marry and that he wont stop – emotional ******** like that puts me off im not a lovey dovey person - he has on more than one occasion proposed but I always run away as I cant be bothered with all this commitment **** . He’s always complaining that I’m dead and cold-hearted.

    Anyway a couple of days ago I found my ex had broken in to my flat after he found (I still don’t know how – I told no one) out about the abortion. I come home to find him sitting in my living room. He immediately started screaming profanities at me calling me evil for aborting his baby, and what kind of mother I was etc.
    When I tried to argue my case he started punching the walls and smashing everything in the room the TV, the chairs, just everything - I got really frightened so I ran in my bedroom and locked the door.
    I could hear him screaming at me “we could have made it work” “why didn’t you tell me” “you killed my baby”

    After a few hours of him hysterically crying, screaming profanities and trying to break my bedroom door he had calmed down and asked me to open the door so we could talk properly and he would promise not to lose his temper on me – I still was pretty shaken up and was too scared to open the door so I asked him to leave which after a while he did.

    Anyway now I’m really scared as I don’t know what he will do. I know I was wrong not to tell him but I know what he is like and he would’ve forced me to keep it which is a no-no for me. He has a history of doing stupid things as he is (actually we both are) eccentric people e.g at one point he tied me up to the bed post to stop me from leaving him – very stupid very dumb stuff.

    I have heard anything from him for a few days but I have a feeling something will happen in the next few days. What shall I do?
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    Change your locks and get a restraining order. Why didn't you call the police during the few hours you locked yourself in your room and he was screaming and trying to break down your door?

    Why is he your 'boyfriend' in the title and your 'ex' in the post?
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    Should have consulted him before the abortion.
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    (Original post by HeadShock)
    Should have consulted him before the abortion.
    Yeah, always good to consult a violent abusive thug before you do anything they might take issue with. :rolleyes:
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    i think both of you need to not see each other ever again! i hope you can find someone who will let you have your own space and not try and control you.
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    I don't understand why you keep going back to him when you're clearly very different and want completely different things, and he has a horrific temper and ties you up to stop you from leaving him. That's not just loving you it's extremely possessive and controlling. The only thing I can imagine is that you like all the drama.
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    I do agree that you should have told him you were going to have an abortion, so I can understand his anger.

    However, at the end of the day, it's your body, you know him alot better than us, and by his violent reaction, it sounds to me like you did the right thing.

    I'm assuming that you have discussed children, etc and he was aware you didn't want children - so he should have been prepared for this to happen.

    Personally, I would change my locks and see if anyone could stay with you (or you stay somewhere else) for a week or two, until he would have calmed down a bit more. it also gives you some security, and may stop him harming you in any way. If it happens again, you must call the police! Also, don't make any contact with him yourself. Delete his number, email, etc and don't answer any of his messages, etc.

    No one deserves to be treated like this, and he obviously isn't 'the one' for you. Good Luck
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    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    Yeah, always good to consult a violent abusive thug before you do anything they might take issue with. :rolleyes:
    I'm not violent, abusive or a thug, but if I was a guy and my girlfriend aborted my baby without even telling me she was pregnant I'd go pretty ******* mental tbh.
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    He's a psychopath! I would in normal circumstances have said 'you should have told him' but in this case you were completely right not to tell him. I'm so sorry he found out. I think you should go to the police about him breaking into your flat. I feel scared for you that he might hurt you. He's not stable.
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    I think you should stay well away from him and change the locks. You should have called the police! He sounds like a total and utter lunatic. Yes, you didn't consult him, but if you knew he'd react like that you made a good decision not to! You have broken up, you don't want a baby, you don't want commitment, and if your boyfriend thinks that that is a healthy scenario to bring a baby into then he is actually mad.

    And for him to shout "what kind of a mother are you" is absolutely ridiculous and selfish and irresponsible. You're not a mother, you made an extremely difficult and emotionally heart-breaking decision based on the realistic facts that 1, you are not ready for a child, and 2, your relationship is clearly not one to bring a child into.

    People will probaby say "well if she had wanted the baby and he hadn't then she would have still had it so it's not fair" but at the end of the day it's your body, your decision.

    I hope you're feeling ok and that things get better for you!
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    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    Yeah, always good to consult a violent abusive thug before you do anything they might take issue with. :rolleyes:
    His behaviour was understandable in the situation. To him, his child has been murdered. I suppose you would take that news calmly?
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    He's obviously extremely hurt by the fact that you had an abortion, there really isn't anything you can do about that. You made the decision you made, knowing full well how he would feel about it, so now you're just going to have to stay away from him and let him take his time to grieve.
    He feels as though you've killed his child - even though you don't feel as though you have, his perspective is different from yours.
    It's not something that's going to blow over overnight - he's going to need to work through his feelings.
    I do agree with the suggestions made of you changing your locks. I don't agree with the 'call the police' suggestions though - that's like a kick in the face when he feels like you've betrayed him by doing this in the first place. Just stay away from him - you clearly don't want a relationship with him, and I doubt very much that he'd want to be with you after this anyway, so go your separate ways.

    Disclaimer - I'm seeing things from his point of view, hence the way I've worded my post, I'm not trying to have a go at you for having an abortion. I'm pro-life but it's irrelevant here.
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    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    Yeah, always good to consult a violent abusive thug before you do anything they might take issue with. :rolleyes:
    If someone killed my kid, which is how he see's it, though thats debatable.

    I would do more than kick a door down.
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    You might want to invest in some pepper spray too seeing as he has a history of smashing your stuff up and tying you up, and he thinks you've killed his child. I've read enough news stories about things exactly like this ending in murder to be a bit concerned.

    Not that I want to worry you or anything!
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    It's amazing how all the replies from female members above are supportive to you and describing the guy as crazy ans so on...

    well I'm a guy and I can undertsand your boyfriend's anger. It's also his baby and not only yours, even if you have it YOUR body. Of course you should have to ask his opinion before abortion. Now it's too late.

    Instead of doing nothing and waiting what is going to happen, take initiative. call him and see how he feels now. say sorry because you didn't know that he would be so attached to the baby and affected by the abortion.

    I don't think he's going to fight with you again because he knows quite well that it's now useless. But for sure he will never think of getting back to you...:cool:
    • #2
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    OP, you're the one with the problem, not your boyfriend. It's absolutely disgusting that you had an abortion without even telling him, and then left him; what part of you thinks that's acceptable? My aunt was pregnant and then had a miscarriage which no-one else but me in my whole family knows about, and I know everyone is going to be upset/angry with her for not telling them if it ever comes out, and that was just a natural thing. You went out of your way to 'dispose of' what you saw as an inconvenience but was in reality his child just as much as yours, and you wonder why he's angry...
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    (Original post by alijimi)
    It's amazing how all the replies from female members above are supportive to you and describing the guy as crazy ans so on...

    well I'm a guy and I can undertsand your boyfriend's anger. It's also his baby and not only yours, even if you have it YOUR body. Of course you should have to ask his opinion before abortion. Now it's too late.

    Instead of doing nothing and waiting what is going to happen, take initiative. call him and see how he feels now. say sorry because you didn't know that he would be so attached to the baby and affected by the abortion.

    I don't think he's going to fight with you again because he knows quite well that it's now useless. But for sure he will never think of getting back to you...:cool:
    Yeah see I originally agreed with this, but the stuff about him tying her up when she tried to leave him is just a bit weird. Kind of makes me wonder what he'd do if faced with the prospect of his child being killed.
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    (Original post by O-Ren)
    He's a psychopath! I would in normal circumstances have said 'you should have told him' but in this case you were completely right not to tell him. I'm so sorry he found out. I think you should go to the police about him breaking into your flat. I feel scared for you that he might hurt you. He's not stable.
    A decent amount of men are psychopaths?

    If someone came home and told you they had killed your kid as if it was no big deal I am quite sure you would not offer them in for drinks.
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    His behaviour is caused by you, you keep giving him more hope by running back to him everytime that you have had a break, I think you are just using him for when you can be bothered and need some love which is not fair on him.
    I had a abortion last year because of medical reasons I could not keep the baby but I was honest with my partner and he supported me and gave me courage and strength. If you do not love this person then why do you keep going back to him, only to break up with him again in a matter off weeks.
    No wonder he is wound up with so much anger and rage, he clearly has strong feelings for you and your not been honest with him, just leading him on giving him false hope instead off been honest letting him be and eventually in his own time move on.
    From now on you should tell him how you feel and be honest with him and deserve all the hurt that comes your way, cause you will feel the worst you have felt, even though getting rid of the baby was the best for you it will still feel like the worst feeling you have ever felt.
    Do him a favour and glenty let him go be civil with him.
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    You are both disturbed.

    You aren't fit to be anyones girlfriend. And he needs to go get some help as well (breaking into your house is a step too far). However I don't blame him one bit for going on a massive hype. How you could lead him on like that for 5 years I don't even want to know.
 
 
 
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