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Had an abortion - boyfriend found out! watch

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    (Original post by Iota Null)
    I don't think the OP has acted in a way that can be considered at all right (for example, unashamedly leading the man on for 5 years, and arguably maintaining the relationship in the first place in the face of very blatant conflicts of interests),
    Btw, I agree. The relationship clearly wasn't ideal - to say the very least - and the fact that she felt the need to conceal her pregnancy from him clearly demonstrates that. If she'd been asking for advice on her relationship I would have said something, but it seemed a little late for that..
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    (Original post by Sophistress)
    I think this is the crux. If I am advising somebody that they don't have to tell the guy (which I have done in the past, both to friends and to strangers on the internet) it is more a, "do what you need to do to get through this. If telling him is going to cause you even more problems and worry then you don't have to" not a, "he doesn't have any right to know - he's just a man, screw him".

    And a man doesn't have to be violent and abusive to cause a girl unnecessary complications. Just peruse this thread to see the number of guys who would clearly pose problems to a girl with an unwanted pregnancy she isn't planning to keep. The fact is, this is going to be especially true of younger men/teenagers because they tend not to have the same level of control over their emotions/actions as older men.
    Fair enough. This wasn't immediately clear upon reading this -- it might be a good idea to make a qualifying statement such as "in situations like these" to avoid your post being misinterpreted as it was in my case.

    I agree that violent and controlling aren't the only necessary conditions -- I just didn't think it was practical to name all such reasons on the list. Abortion beliefs are something that really ought to be discussed before having sex, because there's always the risk of contraception failing and both partners should be aware of the course of action that will be taken in this event. If one partner will oppose abortion, and the other doesn't wish to have a baby, it's probably a good idea to either take extra contraceptive precautions or simply reconsider having sex altogether.

    Regardless, I agree with you that a male forcing a female to have a baby against her will is indisputably wrong. The more dubious moral ground is whether it's reasonable for the female to have the baby against the man's will, and by extension whether it's reasonable not to. Personally, I'd say that the baby should normally be aborted unless both partners are willing and responsible enough to care for it, but then I'd also say that the concept of one partner forcing the other to make a decision is ridiculous in any case, since people in a committed relationship ought to be capable of making these choices together.
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    (Original post by missygeorgia)
    http://www.google.co.uk/dictionary?a...l=en&q=abusive

    By definition he was abusive. Get over it.
    You don't understand people, do you? Or the word violent apparently. How was he cruel? If anything she was cruel to him because she didnt tell him she was pregnant, which she should have because she was in a relationship with him at the time and only broke up with him because he made her pregnant which quite frankly is a feeble excuse. He deserved to know after 5 years of being together. The child belonged to both of them so he should have some contribution to what happens to it even if it is her body.
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    You killed his baby, how did you think he would react? And you didn't even have the courage to tell him you did it, or consult him about it. Just because you didn't want the baby, did you not think perhaps that he could look after it? You make me sick. And to all the people saying he is mental e.t.c. put yourself in his shoes. A psychopath would of hit her, which from what she's said he hasn't done.
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    (Original post by Iota Null)
    Sophistress was talking in general terms, as far as I can tell, not just referring to this case. Had the latter been the case, I'd agree.
    Well, yeah, but I'd also expect her (general her) to use her discretion. If he's a wonderful and supportive boyfriend then I wouldn't encourage her not to tell him.
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    (Original post by alexs2602)
    You don't understand people, do you? Or the word violent apparently. How was he cruel? If anything she was cruel to him because she didnt tell him she was pregnant, which she should have because she was in a relationship with him at the time and only broke up with him because he made her pregnant which quite frankly is a feeble excuse. He deserved to know after 5 years of being together. The child belonged to both of them so he should have some contribution to what happens to it even if it is her body.
    Tying someone up to stop them leaving you is both cruel and violent, as is wrecking someone's house and shouting abuse at them. Whether she deserved it or not (she didn't) doesn't stop it being abusive.
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    (Original post by O-Ren)
    He's a psychopath! I would in normal circumstances have said 'you should have told him' but in this case you were completely right not to tell him. I'm so sorry he found out. I think you should go to the police about him breaking into your flat. I feel scared for you that he might hurt you. He's not stable.
    ^^^ This.

    Get a restraining order. He isn't mentally right so it's right that you didn't tell him.
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    (Original post by missygeorgia)
    Tying someone up to stop them leaving you is both cruel and violent, as is wrecking someone's house and shouting abuse at them. Whether she deserved it or not (she didn't) doesn't stop it being abusive.
    I was right, you don't understand people. Good luck with life, you're going to die alone.

    What makes you think he was being dominant or hurt her in that scenario? OP said nothing of the sort, I'm inclined to think he was properly a weeping mess. So you suggest that he hit her to let out his temper? Use your brain, shouting and wrecking stuff is preferential to violence. OP never said he was insulting her, only that he was hurt saying things like "We could have made it work", oh yeah, how hurtful!!

    Click those links from my last post, you obviously need to.
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    (Original post by alexs2602)
    I was right, you don't understand people. Good luck with life, you're going to die alone.

    What makes you think he was being dominant or hurt her in that scenario? OP said nothing of the sort, I'm inclined to think he was properly a weeping mess. So you suggest that he hit her to let out his temper? Use your brain, shouting and wrecking stuff is preferential to violence. OP never said he was insulting her, only that he was hurt saying things like "We could have made it work", oh yeah, how hurtful!!

    Click those links from my last post, you obviously need to.
    I think you'd consider it "dominant" if someone broke into your house and destroyed your possessions. That's not only morally wrong, it's the only thing described in this thread that is unequivocally illegal.

    I also can't see where missygeorgia advocated him hitting her.

    EDIT: The fact that he could have done worse doesn't make his behaviour okay. [Godwin's Law alert] Hitler could have killed twice as many people as he did, but that doesn't make the Holocaust morally acceptable.
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    Find the pieces of dead baby and fling them at him when he comes near you. That should sort him out
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    (Original post by The Harlequinn Mask)
    ^^^ This.

    Get a restraining order. He isn't mentally right so it's right that you didn't tell him.
    I'm struggling to see the logic there...
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    (Original post by alexs2602)
    I was right, you don't understand people. Good luck with life, you're going to die alone.

    What makes you think he was being dominant or hurt her in that scenario? OP said nothing of the sort, I'm inclined to think he was properly a weeping mess. So you suggest that he hit her to let out his temper? Use your brain, shouting and wrecking stuff is preferential to violence. OP never said he was insulting her, only that he was hurt saying things like "We could have made it work", oh yeah, how hurtful!!

    Click those links from my last post, you obviously need to.
    Like I said, by definition he was abusive. The OP was terrified, she had to lock herself in her room.
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    i feel for the boyfriend! abortion is a terrible thing!
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    (Original post by Ryan W)
    You might want to invest in some pepper spray too
    And then spend 5 years (minimum) in jail for possession of a a firearm:p:

    But yeah OP, tbh you should have told him, he would have put pressure on you but probably not acted like he did and you could have been more prepared. I would be hurt despite feeling like you do (about not being able to raise a child etc) if my partner (or ex) didn't tell me in the same situation.
    Though breaking into your house is nuts, I think he is a ******* you should have been straight onto the police.
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    (Original post by sundance_kid)
    What about rape cases?
    Oh come on. You know that has nothing to do with this thread.
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    (Original post by Lord Wilson)
    i feel for the boyfriend! abortion is a terrible thing!
    It is yes, but so is a child growing up unloved with parents who cant afford children, who didn't want children and feel that their children ruined their lives.
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    (Original post by Darkness and Mist)
    It is yes, but so is a child growing up unloved with parents who cant afford children, who didn't want children and feel that their children ruined their lives.
    What about Adoption???
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    Jesus.
    Leave the country
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    Everyone who is blaming her or telling her that its her fault, please lay it off for a while. Give her a break!!!.

    She just came to ask "What shall I do", not to take **** from some people on here, i am not talking about everyone, but just some people need to sort themselves out and stop blaming or having a go at her.
    Thankyou


    (Original post by tommy.789)
    Find the pieces of dead baby and fling them at him when he comes near you. That should sort him out
    YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!
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    (Original post by Lord Wilson)
    What about Adoption???
    Yes because....the amount of people who want to adopt is directly equal to children put up for adoption. :rolleyes:

    Not to mention 9 months of life where you will be miserable, health risks involved, post natal depression, probably PTSD from giving your child away, damaging relationships(especially if you are young) etc etc etc
 
 
 
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