Turn on thread page Beta
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elipsis)
    Given the cold nature of the OP, do you not think it is much more likely that she is the psychopath in this relationship, and that the ex-boyfriend lashed out at her lack of compassion, empathy, and love?
    No he needs to get a grip.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    I think I love you.


    (Now where's my rope? :p:)

    *hands rope back*

    thanks for lending it to me, the bf knows better than to leave me now :woo:
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    Yeah, 'course she never had to see him again in her life... except for those times when he breaks into her flat.

    You clearly don't understand anything about abusive relationships if you think that anyone who stays with an abuser is 'using them for sex'. Christ, this is unreal.
    He broke into her flat after he found out she had had an abortion. She had successfully broken up with him many times before. So if he was the fruit cake you believe him to be, what kind of an idiot would go back to him just for sex (she openly admits she doesn't/never will care for him).
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    I wouldn't be able to remain in a room with some of you. Honestly.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Persipan)
    No, of course he wouldn't. In this circumstance, however, the hypothetical girlfriend would have broken the law (assuming she killed the hypothetical child deliberately and not by accident), and the matter would be one for the police and courts to deal with. As, indeed, would the hypothetical punching in the stomach of your hypothetically pregnant girlfriend. The idea that we should all go around getting one another back for everything people do that we don't like is one I find both deeply unpleasant and, on a practical level, never-ending (you hypothetically kill the guy who cause the hypothetical miscarriage, and then his family kill you, and then your girlfriend kills them, and where does it end?)
    O, I see, so you look to the government to dictate your morals to you do you? So, when homosexuality was illegal it was perfectly right to imprison/institutionalise homosexuals was it? Afterall the government and consensus told us so:rolleyes:. If someone punched my gf in the stomach causing a miscarriage they would be charged with assault only; thereby only getting a year at max for killing my child. Therefore, I feel it neccessary that the law has to be taken into my own hands. His family on the other hand would not have to do so because I would more than likely get 15 years +, an entirely undeserved sentence for a retaliation but there you go. It wouldn't continue on tit for tat for all eternity, this isn't The Wire you know.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elipsis)
    He broke into her flat after he found out she had had an abortion. She had successfully broken up with him many times before. So if he was the fruit cake you believe him to be, what kind of an idiot would go back to him just for sex (she openly admits she doesn't/never will care for him).
    Where did this whole 'just for sex' thing come from? There's nothing in her post to suggest that she 'used him for sex'. There's nothing to suggest it was even her that initiated the sex. There's nothing to suggest she even enjoyed the sex they had together. There's nothing whatsoever to suggest what kind of sexual relationship they had together, so why are you making preposterous assumptions and treating them as fact?

    It's quite easy to imagine why she might have gone back to him so many times. We don't know how old she is, but we can assume she's somewhere in the range of 16-23 based on the fact that she's posting here. Many girls of that age can be very easy to manipulate. It's not hard to imagine a situation where he would do something abusive (like tie her to the bed), she would dump him, and then a few weeks later he would come crawling back telling her how much he loves her, how he needs her, how he will never ever do anything bad ever again, and plying her with expensive gifts. Of course she would feel guilty and get back with him.

    I'm not saying this is what happened, I am just making assumptions (kind of like what you are doing), but this is an EXTREMELY common dynamic to play out in abusive relationships, so I wouldn't be surprised if it happened.

    Your theory that the only reason she could have gone back to him is to 'use him for sex' is utterly absurd and I cannot take you seriously.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by tinktinktinkerbell)
    like hell would any sane female leave her baby with someone who is unstable and im sorry but tying someone up to stop them leaving IS unstable

    if anything she was mature NOT to bring a child into this relationship

    if a lass came on here and said she was pregnant and her bf did that to her i bet most of you would be telling her either to get rid of the baby or get rid of the bf
    Who the hell would say that :confused:

    "i'm pregnant and being harassed"

    "you sound like you need an abortion"
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by tinktinktinkerbell)
    no both the same

    if you dont want sex then you arnt going to have it, if you arnt going to have it then you clearly dont want it
    Tell that to the masses of teenage boys dry-humping their beds whilst thinking of anime girls.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elipsis)
    He tied her up before she got back with him. She had broken up with him many times with ease. If he was so scary and psychotic she never had to se him again in her life. She chose to use him for sex. Now, I don't know about you, but when I want to get my end away the first door I knock on generally doesn't belong to a maniac.
    This guy has it right.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Bslforever)
    Who the hell would say that :confused:

    "i'm pregnant and being harassed"

    "you sound like you need an abortion"

    more like 'do you think its right to bring a baby into an abusive relationship'

    (Original post by Bslforever)
    Tell that to the masses of teenage boys dry-humping their beds whilst thinking of anime girls.

    they will probably get it eventually :rofl:
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Persipan)
    I don't think that anyone is trying to argue that it isn't OK for a man in these circumstances to be angry or upset. But, being angry or upset isn't a justification for behaving in an abusive way.

    Several posters have implied that the OP's boyfriend was somehow demonstrating admirable self-restraint, and/or that his actions weren't actually abusive because he only punched walls and not her. I don't know whether or not he is generally an abusive person, but the OP's post raises three red flags from Women's Aid's list of questions to help recognise domestic abuse (Are you ever afraid of your partner? Has your partner ever destroyed any of your possessions deliberately? Has your partner ever tried to prevent your leaving the house?), not to mention calling her evil and verbally abusing her. His actions were not OK. In any context. Ever. His being upset and angry is not a justification for them.

    Of course I see why he would be hurt, furious, and deeply unhappy. It's what he did with those emotions that's the problem, and the fact that he could have done worse things to her doesn't make it any better. In fact, in abusive situations the victim is very often made to feel that they deserve what's happening to them, and that their actions are to blame - the abuser shifts responsibility onto his/her victim. As I said, I don't know that the OP's boyfriend is in fact an abusive person generally (although his actions in this context certainly strike me as abusive), but I'm deeply uncomfortable with seeing that "you had it coming" dynamic played out here.
    I think you're missing the point. I don't condone his actions, and he is to blame. However, the woman is not a blameless victim here. She created a situation where the guy would be placed in severe emotional termoil - a place where it would be very difficult for him to keep control of himself. He should still be expected to regain control, but i hardly blame him for not being able to.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by tinktinktinkerbell)
    more like 'do you think its right to bring a baby into an abusive relationship'
    Oh i agree. Rather than give a child a shot at a decent life, rather than giving a child a shot at adoption or foster care, its best to kill it now. Its the kindest thing to do under the circumstances.


    they will probably get it eventually :rofl:
    With their luck they will probably end up with someone like you...
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    Where did this whole 'just for sex' thing come from? There's nothing in her post to suggest that she 'used him for sex'. There's nothing to suggest it was even her that initiated the sex. There's nothing to suggest she even enjoyed the sex they had together. There's nothing whatsoever to suggest what kind of sexual relationship they had together, so why are you making preposterous assumptions and treating them as fact?

    It's quite easy to imagine why she might have gone back to him so many times. We don't know how old she is, but we can assume she's somewhere in the range of 16-23 based on the fact that she's posting here. Many girls of that age can be very easy to manipulate. It's not hard to imagine a situation where he would do something abusive (like tie her to the bed), she would dump him, and then a few weeks later he would come crawling back telling her how much he loves her, how he needs her, how he will never ever do anything bad ever again, and plying her with expensive gifts. Of course she would feel guilty and get back with him.

    I'm not saying this is what happened, I am just making assumptions (kind of like what you are doing), but this is an EXTREMELY common dynamic to play out in abusive relationships, so I wouldn't be surprised if it happened.

    Your theory that the only reason she could have gone back to him is to 'use him for sex' is utterly absurd and I cannot take you seriously.
    She repeatedly says in the OP that she has no problem turning down his advances, because she just isn't that into him. She is clearly the one pulling the strings and pretty openly admits that fact. The using him for sex was just a leap of logic I made, given that we know she wasn't with him for his personality or the good times, and that she had an abortion. If the guy was so manipulative I wonder how she managed to say no to getting engaged so many times! Honestly the bias of some people in these situations. If I poke a labrador in the face with a stick enough times it's going to bite me, does that mean it is a bad dog? No. I deserved to be bitten.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Bslforever)
    Oh i agree. Rather than give a child a shot at a decent life, rather than giving a child a shot at adoption or foster care, its best to kill it now. Its the kindest thing to do under the circumstances.




    With their luck they will probably end up with someone like you...

    unless the hypothetical abusive father agreed to it the baby would not be able to be put up for adoption


    maybe they will, maybe they wont, who cares
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Bslforever)
    I think you're missing the point. I don't condone his actions, and he is to blame. However, the woman is not a blameless victim here. She created a situation where the guy would be placed in severe emotional termoil - a place where it would be very difficult for him to keep control of himself. He should still be expected to regain control, but i hardly blame him for not being able to.
    You're forgetting the fact that she 'created this situation' because she was scared of him.

    Can you honestly say that, if you were scared someone would hurt you, you would tell them things that are likely to anger them?

    If she created the situation, then it's only because she felt she had no other option. If she told him, she would have been placing herself at risk of physical harm. If she didn't tell him, she would have been placing herself at risk of physical harm. On a balance of probabilities, she decided her risk of being harmed would be higher if she told him. And you fault her for putting her physical safety above her ex-boyfriend's desire to know things?
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    You're forgetting the fact that she 'created this situation' because she was scared of him.

    Can you honestly say that, if you were scared someone would hurt you, you would tell them things that are likely to anger them?

    If she created the situation, then it's only because she felt she had no other option. If she told him, she would have been placing herself at risk of physical harm. If she didn't tell him, she would have been placing herself at risk of physical harm. How could she possibly win?
    Why have sex with someone who scares the hell out of you?

    She could have won. She could have stopped all of this before it even had a chance to start. They went 5 years on and off. If she didn't want to be with him, she should have done something about it. All of the restraining order/change the locks/go to the police stuff that you are suggesting now should have been done then.

    Instead, she kept sleeping with him and meandered her way into a stupid situation of her own creation.

    If i was scared of someone, i would never find them in my bed. Simple as.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by tinktinktinkerbell)
    unless the hypothetical abusive father agreed to it the baby would not be able to be put up for adoption


    maybe they will, maybe they wont, who cares
    Hypothetical reasoning is all well and good for making a point, but you can't base your entire argument on it. I could equally say, the hypothetical potentially understanding father would agree, support her completely and agree for the pair of them to go their seperate ways.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elipsis)
    She repeatedly says in the OP that she has no problem turning down his advances, because she just isn't that into him. She is clearly the one pulling the strings and pretty openly admits that fact. The using him for sex was just a leap of logic I made, given that we know she wasn't with him for his personality or the good times, and that she had an abortion. If the guy was so manipulative I wonder how she managed to say no to getting engaged so many times! Honestly the bias of some people in these situations. If I poke a labrador in the face with a stick enough times it's going to bite me, does that mean it is a bad dog? No. I deserved to be bitten.
    Please quote where she says she 'isn't that into him'. She clearly says that she loves him, but has problems with commitment and fears of abandonment.

    There's nothing to suggest that she's using him for sex. How does getting an abortion indicate that she was using him for sex?! :rofl: Call me crazy, but to me, that indicates that she didn't want to have a baby at that time.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Pink Bullets)
    And you fault her for putting her physical safety above her ex-boyfriend's desire to know things? right to know about the termination of his child
    fixed.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Bslforever)
    Hypothetical reasoning is all well and good for making a point, but you can't base your entire argument on it. I could equally say, the hypothetical potentially understanding father would agree, support her completely and agree for the pair of them to go their seperate ways.

    thats true he might he might not but lets face it theres more likelyhood of him not letting her go, weve all read the stories tbf
 
 
 
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 4, 2010
Poll
Which accompaniment is best?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.