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    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    Please say you don't believe that. She had an abortion without telling him!! Surely he has the right to at least know!!

    Ok, he went a bit nuts and a bit over the top, but still. She should have told him.
    I mean it. It doesn't affect him.
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    (Original post by nolongerhearthemusic)
    I mean it. It doesn't affect him.
    Of course it bloody does!! It was his kid!!
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    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    Of course it bloody does!! It was his kid!!
    She isn't having his baby. How does that affect him? I'm not having loads of people's babies right now. It's not affecting them.
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    (Original post by Sophistress)
    Call your local police station on their regular number and inform them of what you have told us. Preferably ask for somebody to come round and assess the damage. It's up to you whether legally you want to take this any further (he has illegally entered a property and caused criminal damage), but it's best to inform the police regardless so that they have a record. Report any further harassment to them, and that includes abusive or threatening messages left on your phone/facebook/whatever.

    I think it's largely irrelevant at this point, but since other posters have brought it up, you didn't have to tell him that you were pregnant. You and he weren't trying for a baby and you're not in a relationship. You had already made up your mind about the abortion and telling him might have changed things in a way that you'd rather didn't happen, and there was nothing to be gained by him knowing - it's not as if you were cheating him out of something.
    Sounds more like she should be institutionalised. She sounds dangerous, heartless and probably has narcissism disorder. These people make calculating murderers. Read the tone of her first post. Not the sort of lady you want to know...
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    (Original post by nolongerhearthemusic)
    She isn't having his baby. How does that affect him? I'm not having loads of people's babies right now. It's not affecting them.
    It would have been his kid though.
    So of course it is going to affect him. Not physically, but its blindingly obvious it will affect him mentally and emotionally.
    I can't believe how hard it is for some people to see why he would be seriously annoyed.

    The only way I can think of explaining it is imagine you were pregnant, and that you had decided that you wanted the baby. Someone, without your permission, gives you drugs that kill the baby. You'd be devastated, angry etc.

    It may be the girls body, but what is growing inside the body is partly the guys too. He should at least have known.

    Before anyone says anything, I am not anti-abortion or whatever.
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    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    Of course it bloody does!! It was his kid!!
    Where does his "right" to know come from? Why is that a given? If his ideas don't match her own thoughts as they relate to abortion then what good would have telling him done? She'd clearly already made her decision. Telling him would only have added extra problems for her. And based on what she's told us about him, telling him may well have jeopardised her safety.
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    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    It would have been his kid though.
    I can't believe how hard it is for some people to see why he would be seriously annoyed.

    The only way I can think of explaining it is imagine you were pregnant, and that you had decided that you wanted the baby. Someone, without your permission, gives you drugs that kill the baby. You'd be devastated, angry etc.

    It may be the girls body, but what is growing inside the body is partly the guys too. He should at least have known.

    Before anyone says anything, I am not anti-abortion or whatever.
    If he doesn't know, he won't be devastated or angry. It would've happened whether he knew or not. All she's done is save him being upset (or she would've if he hadn't found out another way).

    It would've been his child in the same way any time you have sex can result in a child. It's as consequential to him as the contraception having worked.
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    (Original post by folde)
    Sounds more like she should be institutionalised. She sounds dangerous, heartless and probably has narcissism disorder. These people make calculating murderers. Read the tone of her first post. Not the sort of lady you want to know...
    Did you mean to address that to me?

    I should probably take this opportunity to say, in addition to not having to tell the guy, you should be wary of choosing to confide in anyone with a strong pro-life opinion, even if you are only 5% considering abortion. Teenagers can be incredibly judgmental because they don't yet have the ability to truly put themselves into another person's place, and can often use their own personal distance from the problem to loftily announce what they could never do and so on - grabbing the moral high ground at no cost to themselves and at the expense of your reputation and your friendship. You don't want to be the subject of nasty gossip and, again, it adds an unnecessary complication to your decision.

    Good luck, OP. I wish you the best.
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    (Original post by Sophistress)
    Did you mean to address that to me?

    I should probably take this opportunity to say, in addition to not having to tell the guy, you should be wary of choosing to confide in anyone with a strong pro-life opinion, even if you are only 5% considering abortion. Teenagers can be incredibly judgmental because they don't yet have the ability to truly put themselves into another person's place, and can often use their own personal distance from the problem to loftily announce what they could never do and so on - grabbing the moral high ground at no cost to themselves and at the expense of your reputation and your friendship. You don't want to be the subject of nasty gossip and, again, it adds an unnecessary complication to your decision.

    Good luck, OP. I wish you the best.

    Was talking about the OP.
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    (Original post by folde)
    Was talking about the OP.
    Well I know you were referring to the OP in your post but you quoted me in the same post. I was just pointing out that your post is pretty lost on me since I generally don't use internet forums to smugly lay across my armchair sharing pop psychology and diagnosing people with various mental illnesses simply because I disagree with their decisions. I wouldn't do it in "real life" and I wouldn't do it on here.
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    (Original post by Sophistress)
    Well I know you were referring to the OP in your post but you quoted me in the same post. I was just pointing out that your post is pretty lost on me since I generally don't use internet forums to smugly lay across my armchair sharing pop psychology and diagnosing people with various mental illnesses simply because I disagree with their decisions. I wouldn't do it in "real life" and I wouldn't do it on here.
    I don't disagree with her decisions so much as how her post was worded, and how she evidently views herself.
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    (Original post by folde)
    I don't disagree with her decisions so much as how her post was worded, and how she evidently views herself.
    How her post was worded? Don't you think that's a bit cheeky considering what you've just posted?

    Frankly your post was very unhelpful, bordering on the ridiculous. Better off not posted.
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    (Original post by Sophistress)
    Where does his "right" to know come from? Why is that a given? If his ideas don't match her own thoughts as they relate to abortion then what good would have telling him done? She'd clearly already made her decision. Telling him would only have added extra problems for her. And based on what she's told us about him, telling him may well have jeopardised her safety.
    Because it is his baby too. Even if it is in her body.
    And it wouldn't have jeopardised her safety, as the reason he went a bit nuts is because she didn't tell him in the first place!

    (Original post by nolongerhearthemusic)
    If he doesn't know, he won't be devastated or angry. It would've happened whether he knew or not. All she's done is save him being upset (or she would've if he hadn't found out another way).
    But he did find out. And because she didn't tell him beforehand, its going to affect him a lot more.
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    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    But he did find out. And because she didn't tell him beforehand, its going to affect him a lot more.
    That's not her fault. And it's not relevant to whether he has a RIGHT to know.
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    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    And it wouldn't have jeopardised her safety, as the reason he went a bit nuts is because she didn't tell him in the first place!
    Let's look at a relevant excerpt from the original post:

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anyway a couple of days ago I found my ex had broken in to my flat after he found (I still don’t know how – I told no one) out about the abortion. I come home to find him sitting in my living room. He immediately started screaming profanities at me calling me evil for aborting his baby, and what kind of mother I was etc.
    When I tried to argue my case he started punching the walls and smashing everything in the room the TV, the chairs, just everything - I got really frightened so I ran in my bedroom and locked the door.
    I could hear him screaming at me “we could have made it work” “why didn’t you tell me” “you killed my baby”
    Seems to me that the majority of his anger was over her choice to have a harmless elective surgery, not her decision not to tell him about it.
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    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    Because it is his baby too. Even if it is in her body.
    And it wouldn't have jeopardised her safety, as the reason he went a bit nuts is because she didn't tell him in the first place!

    But he did find out. And because she didn't tell him beforehand, its going to affect him a lot more.
    I do understand where you are coming from, WBb. It's not that I am totally unsympathetic to a man in this situation. But if it were a girl friend of mine asking for advice I would give her the advice that I believe is most helpful to her and her situation. Whether he has a "right" to know wouldn't come into it. I don't believe there is an inherent "right".
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    (Original post by Sophistress)
    I do understand where you are coming from, WBb. It's not that I am totally unsympathetic to a man in this situation. But if it were a girl friend of mine asking for advice I would give her the advice that I believe is most helpful to her and her situation. Whether he has a "right" to know wouldn't come into it. I don't believe there is an inherent "right".
    (Original post by nolongerhearthemusic)
    That's not her fault. And it's not relevant to whether he has a RIGHT to know.

    fair enough. I just think a guy does have a right to know. Reverse the roles a bit. If you were the guy, surely you would like to know?

    (Original post by numb3rb0y)
    Let's look at a relevant excerpt from the original post:
    Seems to me that the majority of his anger was over her choice to have a harmless elective surgery, not her decision not to tell him about it.
    Any understanding person would agree that he was angry because she had an abortion without even telling him she was pregnant. From what she said before all that, he is a loving and caring guy. I doubt he we would have been so angry had she actually told him. Also, as I said, if he was just a thug, he would have hit her and not the walls.
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    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    Any understanding person would agree that he was angry because she had an abortion without even telling him she was pregnant. From what she said before all that, he is a loving and caring guy. I doubt he we would have been so angry had she actually told him. Also, as I said, if he was just a thug, he would have hit her and not the walls.
    I'm sure not telling him was a part of it, but one only need look at his statements to see that he was clearly angered by the abortion itself, because he saw it as killing his child. The only difference if she told him before would be that he'd see it as her planning to kill his child, potentially giving him an opportunity to stop it. I'm not saying he would have (at least beyond probable verbal harassment), but to suggest that he wouldn't get angry if she told him beforehand is ludicrous. Furthermore, perhaps he would have hit her if she hadn't locked herself away from him for several hours. Again, any statements that he would have would be pure speculation, but given that she did lock herself away from him, you can't really say that he wouldn't have hit her under other circumstances. The walls might have been the only target available.
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    run away from him..if you're not ready then you're not ready
    • #5
    #5

    should have consulted him, even though its your life. its a human being you killed and obviously he cant help but be hurt. ive been in the same situation as you, i consulted my bf, i ddnt have the abortion but i lost the baby. i ddnt wanna keep it cos im not a maternal type of person but i needed to tell him cos its his basic rights.
 
 
 
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