Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta

Had an abortion - boyfriend found out! watch

    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    fair enough. I just think a guy does have a right to know. Reverse the roles a bit. If you were the guy, surely you would like to know?
    Presumably I'd be using contraception and I'd be hoping for it work. No babies is the outcome I'd want. It doesn't make a lot of difference whether that's because none were conceived, or because none were carried to term. That wouldn't be my business. The only scenario where I'd have sympathy for the guy is if he were in a serious relationship and was upset that she was unable or unwilling to talk about it with him. But that's a relationship problem and unrelated to who has a right to know what. The OP was not in a relationship with this guy when she had her abortion.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Sophistress)
    Where does his "right" to know come from? Why is that a given? If his ideas don't match her own thoughts as they relate to abortion then what good would have telling him done? She'd clearly already made her decision. Telling him would only have added extra problems for her. And based on what she's told us about him, telling him may well have jeopardised her safety.
    Rubbish. In an equal relationship surely the partner should be consulted on her decision. If my g/f had done that I wouldn't be happy either (although I doubt I would have acted in the same way). Even if the final decision is that of the woman, abortion is a big decision and not one that should be entered into lightly, the fact that the OP did not consult her partner shows how little regard she had for him in the first place. If she feared for her safety in the first place why not tell him over the phone, or in public? Frankly the OP sounds like she's making excuses for a decision which was rash and inconsiderate. He may have overreacted, that does not excuse her behaviour.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by nolongerhearthemusic)
    Presumably I'd be using contraception and I'd be hoping for it work. No babies is the outcome I'd want. It doesn't make a lot of difference whether that's because none were conceived, or because none were carried to term. That wouldn't be my business. The only scenario where I'd have sympathy for the guy is if he were in a serious relationship and was upset that she was unable or unwilling to talk about it with him. But that's a relationship problem and unrelated to who has a right to know what. The OP was not in a relationship with this guy when she had her abortion.
    The OP doesn't say if she did use any protection or not though. So I am assuming they did not.

    And I don't see why it matters if its a serious relationship or not. And from what the OP has said, it seems like the guy thought it was serious (wanting to marry her etc).

    I'm not saying he should have the final word, or even be allowed to try to convince the girl. But he should know IMO.
    And tbh I'd imagine most guys would agree with me.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    It's not rubbish, it's the truth. She doesn't have to tell him. She doesn't have to tell anybody she doesn't want to other than the relevant medical staff. She doesn't need his consent to have an abortion. You might not like it, but that's another matter.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by ash-corbett-collins)
    His behaviour was understandable in the situation. To him, his child has been murdered. I suppose you would take that news calmly?
    Actually, there is a likelihood that it would not have come to term (around 1 in 5 don't, if I remember correctly), so emotionally and biologically she terminated a group of cells which had the possibility to become a human, you shed more cells when you scratch your arm then you do a baby in the first few days.

    In my opinion the OP did the correct thing, the boyfriend should not have reacted in such a way.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    The OP doesn't say if she did use any protection or not though. So I am assuming they did not.

    And I don't see why it matters if its a serious relationship or not. And from what the OP has said, it seems like the guy thought it was serious (wanting to marry her etc).

    I'm not saying he should have the final word, or even be allowed to try to convince the girl. But he should know IMO.
    And tbh I'd imagine most guys would agree with me.
    It wasn't a relationship at all at the time she had the abortion. He was nothing to do with her. He had no right to know anything about her life.

    He sounds like an abusive psycho tbh. He asked her to marry him several times when it probably should have been obvious to him that she didn't want to. That's clingy and creepy. He thinks he's allowed to control her medical decisions, or at least verbally abuse her for them. He broke into her house and broke her property. Absolute psycho.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Carl)
    Rubbish. In an equal relationship surely the partner should be consulted on her decision.
    What do you mean an "equal relationship" and how does that relate to this thread? As far as abortion is concerned then no, it absolutely isn't an "equal relationship", not legally. It's up to her and the relevant medical staff. Whether she wants to consult her exboyfriend is entirely up to her.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    I give up.
    All I can say is I am so glad my girlfriend agrees with me.
    I personally would be furious if she did something like this to me.

    One last point - Sophistress - you seem to be hung up about legality and stuff. I don't think anyone here is talking about the law. Yes, I know in the eyes of the law the female can do what the hell she wants and the guy has no rights what so ever.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    See, this is why sex should only be inside of marriage.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by XFire36)
    Actually, there is a likelihood that it would not have come to term (around 1 in 5 don't, if I remember correctly), so emotionally and biologically she terminated a group of cells which had the possibility to become a human, you shed more cells when you scratch your arm then you do a baby in the first few days.

    In my opinion the OP did the correct thing, the boyfriend should not have reacted in such a way.
    Despite the lack of physicality and the odds of survival, emotionally it is still a child to the parent. Some people have different maternal/paternal instincts, and he may have been strongly paternal, meaning harming his children no matter their form, is an emotional issue for him.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    One last point - Sophistress - you seem to be hung up about legality and stuff. I don't think anyone here is talking about the law. Yes, I know in the eyes of the law the female can do what the hell she wants and the guy has no rights what so ever.
    I'm not "hung up on it", but Carl's "Rubbish" seemed pretty definitive. I was just reminding him that it isn't that cut and dry.


    (Original post by Sophistress)
    Whether she wants to consult her exboyfriend is entirely up to her.
    i.e. it's a choice, not a given. He has a "right" to know/be consulted why? "Because it's his child too" is a non sequitur. As is "because it's an equal relationship" (in what way and how is that relevant?).

    I am yet to understand where this "right" to know or be consulted comes from. It's not in the letter or spirit of the law.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    op you make me sick. you cant see why he would be angry about that? hes not a ******* psychopath because of that. he sounds like a decent bloke before he found out. his reaction is completely understandable, and whether or not its your choice you provoked that reaction.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by folde)
    The OP sounds so smug with her "cool calm demeanour", "cold and heartless" etc, like she thinks this guy is a little pathetic for "being more attached to her than she to him".
    She sounds like she has some kind of narcissism disorder and all I can say is, the guy is well rid of her.

    BTW ladies, punching the walls is not being a "violent abusive thug" :mrssanta:
    Indeed, thats a decent guy smacking stuff releasing frustration instead of knocking out the seflish *****. Because he's better than that.

    She'd have deserved it if he did though.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Sophistress)
    i.e. it's a choice, not a given.
    Whereas I disagree. I think the only moral thing to do is to let the person know.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    I give up.
    All I can say is I am so glad my girlfriend agrees with me.
    I personally would be furious if she did something like this to me.
    That's a relationship issue and you two can sort that out however you like. If you've made the agreement that you would be told, then as long as you were still in the relationship at the time then you'd have every right to be upset that she broke the agreement. You also have every right to ask any girl you sleep with to make that agreement, if it's important to you. But that doesn't mean that men have any kind of right to know outside of that. Aside from issues of be able to share things within relationships, it literally cannot affect him.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by ash-corbett-collins)
    Despite the lack of physicality and the odds of survival, emotionally it is still a child to the parent. Some people have different maternal/paternal instincts, and he may have been strongly paternal, meaning harming his children no matter their form, is an emotional issue for him.
    But it wasn't a child, it was a grouping of cells, titling it as such is inaccurate. Becoming angry over the issue, especially against a person whom had repeatedly expressed desires against long-term commitment is irrational and somewhat disturbing.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Call the police, it's a bit disturbing he broke into your house. Don't see why everyone is getting mad - you were broken up and it's not like you had planned to have a baby together.
    It was ultimately your decision, and if you didn't feel comfortable talking to him about it then why should you?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I totally understand his situation, poor fellow.










    . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . .. .. .. . .. .I accept neg rep happily from all the heartless vile abhorrent creatures on TSR. I never give neg rep back so don't worry.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by WelshBluebird)
    Whereas I disagree. I think the only moral thing to do is to let the person know.

    Yes, I know, you said. He "deserves" to know because he has a "right" to and it's the "moral" thing to do. Why the above is naturally the case still eludes me.

    It's certainly not the practical advice I would give a friend.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by adamrules247)
    See, this is why sex should only be inside of marriage.
    abortions would still happen then lol


    OP your ex sounds crazy, you are well within your right not to tell him, it was your decision he has no say in it
 
 
 
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 4, 2010
Poll
Do you agree with the proposed ban on plastic straws and cotton buds?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.