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Getting her back watch

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    Please keep anon.

    Ok, me and my girlfriend of 2 years have just broken up (about a week ago). She says "she doesn't feel the same way anymore" and "the things she likes about me don't make her as happy anymore and the things she dislikes about me irritate her more". Basically, I think it has got to the point where she feels fatigued by being in a relationship and found things too "intense" between us. Now, I'm not prepared to give up without a fight even thought she has told me to move on. She says I'm her best friend and doesn't want that to change. She still wants to see me all the time (and she means it - she's doing her best to find any excuse to hang out with me) and has said she wants "emotional space" rather than "physical space". We'd arranged to go travelling together at the end of uni and then live abroad together for an indefinite period of time and she says that she still wants to do that, even though I've told her I'm not sure if we're just friends.

    The point: I still have feelings for her and I fail to see how it's possible for them go away if we maintain such a close relationship and the problems that will arise if she wants to start seeing other people (which she has said she doesn't atm). Obviously this isn't a bad thing if we get back together but I'm realistic enough to realise that might not happen.

    Any comments or advice? What's the best way to play it? I feel like if I give her space she might realise how much she misses me and want to give things a second go. I want us to remain friends whatever happens but I'm not sure if I can handle that... at least not until I'm 100% over her. What should I do? I miss her so much when we're apart but when I'm hanging out with her, it tears me up that we're no longer a couple and I can't have physical contact with her.
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    i think you need to do the best thing for you
    if staying with her as a best friend knowing you feel so much more for her then take a break give yourself chance to get over her and build a friendship again instead of just wanting her back
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    Hmm. I might be cynical, but she's got you right where she wants you tbh. If you stay best friends while you're still in love with her, you will always be wanting more and basically be living in hope that she comes back to you. What happens if she starts seeing other people, like you say... Will you really want her talking about the new guy to you? I'd give her space for a few months, let her know that you need to walk away from the situation while you think. Maybe the space will make her realise what she's left behind, or maybe she'll move on. Either way, at least you will have some control in the situation. Hope it all works out though
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    my ex is doing pretty much the same thing to me, and it's damn confusing...i feel like i should do the same thing, distance myself etc, although i'm finding it pretty impossible...
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    omg:L thats sounds horrible, well, if she is being serious, and like properly means that she doesn't want to get back with you, i cant see any way of you recovering, unless you stop seeing her all together
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    tread very, very carefully.

    i was (sort of) in the same position as your ex last year and, with hindsight, am pretty sure i would have tried again with my boyfriend. i too got to the point where i felt like our relationship was stale and wasn't going to go anywhere, and craved that 'emotional space' that she mentioned. i got it, but took things too far and acted like a **** and ultimately messed things up. my ex, like you, missed me and wanted me back (i think) at first, but my behaviour caused him to get fed up and to decide i wasn't really worth the effort.

    the reason i'm telling you this is that i acted in the exact same way as your ex at first - i wanted to be around mine, wanted to spend lots of time with him but just didn't want to be 'in a relationship'. he was the same but perhaps a little more so, and that caused me to kick against him and go off the rails a bit. if he'd just gone with the flow and given me a bit of time, whilst showing me the guy that i fell in love with, we probably would have been able to try again. but as i said, i went slightly crazy and therefore messed up all chance of that ever happening.

    the one thing i would say is don't assume you know how she feels. i know my ex thought that i was 'really coping and moving on' when in reality that wasn't true at all. if you can handle staying such close friends then you have to be able to communicate properly- essentially you can't pretend that the relationship/situation didn't or doesn't exist. perhaps give it a couple of weeks, see how things go and just be yourself around her, and then it's probably time to have a big chat. tell her exactly how you feel - not in a needy, desperate way but in an open, honest way - and ask her how she feels. if you both want to try again - great. if not - take a day or two to think about how you feel and then get back to her about it.

    at the end of the day, if she doesn't want to go there then you have to accept it and move on. it's bloody difficult and probably easier to distance yourself (at least for a while) whilst you get over it. i made the mistake of trying to remain close to my ex once he'd basically finally said there was 'no chance' anymore, and it only prolonged the hurt. we're on good terms i think, but it's a weird/awkward situation and we just happen not to have spoken for a couple of weeks. i've found it much easier to cope this way and i'm hoping that we can be good friends again eventually, but you can't rush these things.

    anyway, ugh, i'm rambling! but good luck; whatever's meant to be will be.
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    (Original post by raisin.)
    tread very, very carefully. i was (sort of) in the same position as your ex last year and, with hindsight, am pretty sure i would have tried again with my boyfriend. i too got to the point where i felt like our relationship was stale and wasn't going to go anywhere, and craved that 'emotional space' that she mentioned. i got it, but took things too far and acted like a **** and ultimately messed things up. my ex, like you, missed me and wanted me back (i think) at first, but my behaviour caused him to get fed up and to decide i wasn't really worth the effort. the reason i'm telling you this is that i acted in the exact same way as your ex at first - i wanted to be around mine, wanted to spend lots of time with him but just didn't want to be 'in a relationship'. he was the same but perhaps a little more so, and that caused me to kick against him and go off the rails a bit. if he'd just gone with the flow and given me a bit of time, whilst showing me the guy that i fell in love with, we probably would have been able to try again. but as i said, i went slightly crazy and therefore messed up all chance of that ever happening. the one thing i would say is don't assume you know how she feels. i know my ex thought that i was 'really coping and moving on' when in reality that wasn't true at all. if you can handle staying such close friends then you have to be able to communicate properly- essentially you can't pretend that the relationship/situation didn't or doesn't exist. perhaps give it a couple of weeks, see how things go and just be yourself around her, and then it's probably time to have a big chat. tell her exactly how you feel - not in a needy, desperate way but in an open, honest way - and ask her how she feels. if you both want to try again - great. if not - take a day or two to think about how you feel and then get back to her about it. at the end of the day, if she doesn't want to go there then you have to accept it and move on. it's bloody difficult and probably easier to distance yourself (at least for a while) whilst you get over it. i made the mistake of trying to remain close to my ex once he'd basically finally said there was 'no chance' anymore, and it only prolonged the hurt. we're on good terms i think, but it's a weird/awkward situation and we just happen not to have spoken for a couple of weeks. i've found it much easier to cope this. way and i'm hoping that we can be good friends again eventually, but you can't rush these things. anyway, ugh, i'm rambling! but good luck; whatever's meant to be will be.
    I feel this relates a lot to my situation. Out of interest, why did you want to remain so close to your ex when you had ended it?
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    (Original post by teddybomb)
    I feel this relates a lot to my situation. Out of interest, why did you want to remain so close to your ex when you had ended it?
    we were together for nearly four years - we were best friends, had spent nearly every day/christmas/holiday together for most of that time, and he was accepted as part of my family.

    i (or we - technically it was mutual in the end) decided to end it because i'd gone through a lot and it had really affected our relationship. he was brilliant to me for a long time, but i didn't want to hurt him anymore and didn't know how to fix things so i thought it would be for the best. deep down, i guess i ended it because i didn't want to be in the situation where he finished things with me. so i broke my own heart, basically.

    anyway - obviously i wanted to remain so close because of all of that. ^^ i (naively) believed we'd be able to stay best friends and super close, with a view to perhaps getting back together in the future once things had settled down. it didn't really work like that, though. i did a lot of stupid things and so did he - it's sad but i guess that's how things go sometimes. i'm learning to accept it.
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    Right, just left this thread and came back because I realised I had something to say.

    Whenever my ex and I break up (yes, whenever... very long story), I was always the one making him promise me we'd stay friends etc. because I couldn't bear to lose him entirely, even though he always ends it. It usually means we meet up a few days later, it's awkward and if one of us so much as brushes against the other, we both freeze and tense up. Everything has to be considered very carefully before it's said, so that the other doesn't get the wrong idea. The goodbye is very tricky; hug or no hug? What kind of hug? What do you say?

    Basically what I'm trying to say is that it's incredibly difficult, at first at least. We always end up back together eventually, but every time, and I really do mean EVERY TIME, it's been after a period of absolutely no contact. Then one day I'll get a text out of the blue, and I know he's wondering where I am and why I've not been in touch.

    If you spend too much time with them too quickly, instinct tells you to wrap your arms around them and act like you're a couple to try and force them to remember the good times and admit they've made a mistake. It really won't work like that though. It's mostly just humouring you because they feel bad for ending it, and it'll dry up after a while.

    Honestly, cease contact, even if it's just for a short while. Be civil and don't ignore her, and respond when she says hello etc., but it will do you no favours if you go in all guns blazing into a friendship (totally agree with you here). Just tell her you're busy for a while, and you can spend some time together once everything's died down again. Just take some time alone to contemplate.
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    (Original post by thatsjustit)
    Hmm. I might be cynical, but she's got you right where she wants you tbh. If you stay best friends while you're still in love with her, you will always be wanting more and basically be living in hope that she comes back to you. What happens if she starts seeing other people, like you say... Will you really want her talking about the new guy to you? I'd give her space for a few months, let her know that you need to walk away from the situation while you think. Maybe the space will make her realise what she's left behind, or maybe she'll move on. Either way, at least you will have some control in the situation. Hope it all works out though
    I totally agree. I really am backed into a corner though because she literally lives 2 doors away. My housemates are good friends with her and her housemates so it's pretty difficult (and harsh on our mutual friends) if I tried to cut her out of my life significantly. I don't want to make things awkward for anybody else when I know we're both adult enough to get by seeing each other regularly, even if it means it isn't an ideal situation for me.

    (Original post by raisin.)
    ...
    Thanks very much for your post. That has given me some optimism about the situation to go along with the doom and gloom. Some rep coming your way at some point and to the others who have helped!

    The dilemma I have is that whilst I want to hang out with her, I don't want things to progress to a stage where I am firmly in the "friend zone" from her perspective, whilst I'm still head over heels for her.

    She's admitted that a lot of the problems which led to our break-up came from a lack of her addressing the situation even after repeatedly talking about things. Her attitude has been pretty much "i've been ****, sorry but that's it" and no willingness to try again or make amends. I wasn't asking her to put these problems right... but just to try. Maybe a bit of time out will help recharge the batteries and we'll give it another crack. Maybe she'll move on. Only time will tell... and that's the most frustrating part - there is no shortcut.
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    (Original post by Quail)
    Everything has to be considered very carefully before it's said, so that the other doesn't get the wrong idea. The goodbye is very tricky; hug or no hug? What kind of hug? What do you say?
    hahaha, sorry - i had to quote this because i relate so much it's ridiculous. it would almost be funny if it wasn't so tragic; isn't it weird how you can behave so clinically around someone that you know inside out? :rolleyes:

    anyway, i would have found your post very helpful if it had been me in the OP's position now rather than a few months ago. can i be very nosy and ask how long you tend to go with no contact before getting back with your ex/boyfriend? i have no idea if this will ever happen with mine; we've been apart four months now but have only ceased contact during the last couple of weeks. i also know he's sort of seeing another girl, but hey ho.

    oh, and as a side note: hello fellow brightonian.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Maybe a bit of time out will help recharge the batteries and we'll give it another crack. Maybe she'll move on. Only time will tell... and that's the most frustrating part - there is no shortcut.
    this, i believe, is the most frustrating part.

    indeed only time will tell and so there's no use in waiting around wasting your life away when you just don't know what's going to happen. everything might work out wonderfully with her, and equally it might not. that doesn't mean that things won't work out wonderfully somehow eventually though - just perhaps not in the way that you originally expected/hoped for.

    in the meantime just.. look after yourself. do things you enjoy, spend time with your friends, take it easy with her and just see how it goes. i really hope things work out for the best in the end; i'm sure they will. :hugs:
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    (Original post by raisin.)
    hahaha, sorry - i had to quote this because i relate so much it's ridiculous. it would almost be funny if it wasn't so tragic; isn't it weird how you can behave so clinically around someone that you know inside out? :rolleyes:

    anyway, i would have found your post very helpful if it had been me in the OP's position now rather than a few months ago. can i be very nosy and ask how long you tend to go with no contact before getting back with your ex/boyfriend? i have no idea if this will ever happen with mine; we've been apart four months now but have only ceased contact during the last couple of weeks. i also know he's sort of seeing another girl, but hey ho.

    oh, and as a side note: hello fellow brightonian.
    Ahh it makes you sick doesn't it? I remember SO many hideous times when I'd be at his house, making sure I deliberately sat about four miles away from him so that he thought I was totally OK with just being friends and that was respecting his space etc., and giving awkward one-armed hugs goodbye, taking care to make sure I was facing well away from him... ooh NICE :yy:

    Right, well the time that really stands out is sort of this time last year. Broke up late December, met up like twice in the next week, then saw nothing of each other for almost exactly a month. Then we went to a gig together (we'd booked the tickets ages before), and he was with someone else at the time. I then got together with someone else a week or two later, and it was about two weeks after this that he texted me with something trivial. I replied immediately, like "OMG he remembers me! WOOOO best day of my life" and he said in his next text that the real reason he'd texted was because he missed me. So... let's say two months, although there was the gig in the middle. Actually maybe it was more like one and a half. That's the longest it's been though.

    WOO, good old Brighton!
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    Thanks guys. Always nice to hear from people who have been in similar situations. I've gone around 3 days now without seeing her, although we've been communicating via text as she's been initiating and I didn't want to ignore her.

    Anybody else got any other advice?
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    This same thing happened to me, but i didn't think about what i was going to do, i just ran away and acted like a douche, ie, fully ignored my ex. Which now it comes to it I completely regret, I was so immature. But then two months down the line we ended up getting back together. Anyway, back to the point at this moment in time as hard as it may be, I think you should give yourself some time with out her, as you are doing. Do you not have any other friends other than your mutual friends? It could be good to associate with different people for a while, not completely, but just a bit more, as this would probably help the break up to be a bit less difficult. I mean, as I remember it, I tried to avoid my ex to make it easier on him, like how could he get over me if I was around him all the time? He didn't take it this way and thought i was just being a ****, my bad for not communicating and making my intentions clear I guess. Hmm, not sure if I can say much more on this, sorry for rambling! Hope it all gets sorted out
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    In my experience you can be civil with an ex but that's about it until you get over them and for that to happen you need to move on and you won't truly do that till you let her go.

    She wants her space so give it to her. Explain to her that you like her and would love to be friends but you don't think now is the right time. If she wants you back she'll come back, if she doesn't get on with your life.

    I kept in contact with a few exs on MSN and have had the **** buddy route and the close friend over the net role but all in all you just don't go back in my opinion. Whatever works for you but seriously the only way you can ever get her back is to let her go I reckon.
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    Ok here's what I would do:

    Make it clear to her - tell her there are two options:

    1) She gets to see you and you are together again & working on your relationship.
    2) You cut contact and have no relationship - neither romantic nor friendship.

    If you have feelings for her and she claims she doesn't feel the same, then your 'friendship' is not going to work.
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    (Original post by Quail)
    Ahh it makes you sick doesn't it? I remember SO many hideous times when I'd be at his house, making sure I deliberately sat about four miles away from him so that he thought I was totally OK with just being friends and that was respecting his space etc., and giving awkward one-armed hugs goodbye, taking care to make sure I was facing well away from him... ooh NICE :yy:

    Right, well the time that really stands out is sort of this time last year. Broke up late December, met up like twice in the next week, then saw nothing of each other for almost exactly a month. Then we went to a gig together (we'd booked the tickets ages before), and he was with someone else at the time. I then got together with someone else a week or two later, and it was about two weeks after this that he texted me with something trivial. I replied immediately, like "OMG he remembers me! WOOOO best day of my life" and he said in his next text that the real reason he'd texted was because he missed me. So... let's say two months, although there was the gig in the middle. Actually maybe it was more like one and a half. That's the longest it's been though.

    WOO, good old Brighton!
    oh bless you - yeah that's exactly it! i had the same today actually; i bumped into my ex on the way to a lecture and we did that awkward 'friendly kiss on the cheek and half hug' thing. :p:

    incidentally, i also have a couple of gigs planned with him for march.. so we shall see how that goes. that's really sweet what happened with you, but i guess a month and a half isn't really that long? i can't see it going the same way for me; we've been apart for four now, in which we remained close for one, argued for two, then became civil/friendly again (though distant) in the last month. so perhaps it really is over for good, hmm. thank you for sharing anyway.
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    (Original post by somethingbeautiful)
    Ok here's what I would do:

    Make it clear to her - tell her there are two options:

    1) She gets to see you and you are together again & working on your relationship.
    2) You cut contact and have no relationship - neither romantic nor friendship.

    If you have feelings for her and she claims she doesn't feel the same, then your 'friendship' is not going to work.
    Yeah, I have decided this is the only way forward. As I've said though, it's pretty much impossible for me to have no contact with her as I have some close friends that live with her and she is close friends with my housemates. I can't completely cut contact but I can minimise it.

    Thanks for the advice.
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    A little update. I told her that I didn't want to see her for a while until I was over her and she accused me of ruining her last few months of uni (anybody see the irony? :rolleyes:) because she felt like she could no longer see the mutual friends I live with (even though there is nothing stopping her). She basically got really pissed off (even though I completely kept my cool) and told me to leave. Then 10 minutes later she text me saying sorry for losing her cool, saying she didn't mean to have a go at me and that everything was just driving her a bit mad at the moment and she was really tired and freaking out about getting her exam results this afternoon. I didn't text back (as much as I was tempted to) and am intending on giving us some breathing space for a while. Good move?
 
 
 
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