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Got myself in a stupid situation... watch

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    Hey TSR, I’m looking for advice here not condemnation; I already know I’m a terrible person for getting in this situation. Sorry for the long read.

    Basically I’ve been with my bf for several years now, we’ve grown up together, been through a lot, and although it is far from perfect he has been my best friend and I really do love him. But I don’t want to be with him anymore, and haven’t done so for a long time. However breaking up has been pretty much impossible, every time I try, before long just being friends ends up slipping back into like a zone we go into together and nothing changes.

    Last summer I met this guy, call him John, he seemed absolutely amazing, we hit it off fantastically and there was a lot of sexual tension there, but although we came close he never acted on it because I had a bf. So we became really close friends, would talk about everything and I completely fell in love with him. I broke up with my boyfriend towards the end of the summer, but it was a very complicated situation so nothing actually happened with John. At the end of the summer we all went off to different uni’s, me and John would talk for hours and hours on the phone and I could not stop thinking about him. I was still friends with my bf though and when i went to visit him he said that unless we get back together we cant be friends, bearing in mind he has been my best friend for so long i could not stand to just completely cut him out of my life and agreed as i still didn’t really know what was happening with John.

    About a week later, john came to stay at mine, he didn’t know i was back together with my bf and it was only after we had sex that i told him. He was annoyed but we kinda went into a bubble of not caring about me having a bf for a while because when we were together it was if nothing else mattered. Though we knew going behind my bfs back had to stop, but it was running up to xmas and i didn’t want to break up with my bf before that as we had family plans and it would be messy. I told john that i would break up with him in the new year and fully intended to. Back at home for xmas me and john didn’t stop getting together though, and my bf grew suspicious but never actually found out. After xmas we all went back to uni, and i tried to break up with my bf, but like so many times before it just didn’t work, he wouldn’t accept it.

    Here i am now, i have to decide between being with my bf who i do really love but just want to be with friends with, and cutting john out completely because we cant go back to being friends either. Or i break up with my bf and never speak to him again, and get with john who i also love and really want to be with. Either way i cant imagine my life completely without either of them, and i just don’t know what to do, it has to come to a conclusion soon, john is getting annoyed that we cant be together properly, and my bf would find out eventually even if things were to carry on as they were.

    Thoughts on the situation TSR?

    Guys what would you think if you were in John’s position?
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    Took ages to get approved, bump.
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    why cant you break it off with your bf? it sounds like you really want to. what exactly is he doing that it doesnt work?
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    Just choose one of them and get on with your life already.
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    you should grow a spine and either tell your bf the whole truth and let him decide or dump your boyfriend.
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    Maybe grow a pair, be honest with your boyfriend (whom you clearly don't love, otherwise you wouldn't treat him like that) and generally stop with the lying and cheating? You can't have your cake and eat it sweetie.
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    (Original post by xmarilynx)
    Maybe grow a pair, be honest with your boyfriend (whom you clearly don't love, otherwise you wouldn't treat him like that) and generally stop with the lying and cheating? You can't have your cake and eat it sweetie.
    FLAWLESS VICTORY
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    (Original post by kmcassley)
    why cant you break it off with your bf? it sounds like you really want to. what exactly is he doing that it doesnt work?
    Its weird and complicated, for one he doesn't accept it and thinks I'm just being stupid or something because I've tried to break up with him before and we just end up back together, so he doesn't even take notice of what I say when it comes to that any more which means its so easy to slip back into how we are together normally. So the only option is to cut him out of my life completely and never see/speak to him again, but I really don't think I can do that, he's my best friend and I do love him and really want him to be a part of my life.
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    (Original post by xmarilynx)
    You can't have your cake and eat it.
    why do people use that stupid saying??? i want to eat my fuking cake!
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    Why do you want to date someone you see as a friend? Break up with him already and move on. It is his choice if he still wants to be friends or not, you always run this risk when you date a friend. Your just stringing him along and I think its quite ridiculous that you are even asking whether you should stay with him.

    Worst case scenario he makes a big deal and does not accept it? Grow a backbone and tell him he has to deal with it.
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    To quote a Mr Chandler Bing,

    '"Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!" '

    My point being, obviously you've been with your boyfriend a long time and it's hard yadayada...but just grow a metaphorical pair and split up!

    So the only option is to cut him out of my life completely and never see/speak to him again, but I really don't think I can do that, he's my best friend and I do love him and really want him to be a part of my life
    Y'know what? Sometimes you've got to do difficult things, if you don't want to be with him it's unfair to expect him to be able to be friends with you after such an involved relationship - atleast not for a long time.
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    i think you should tell your boyfriend everything, then he might realise that you're better off just being friends. if he's had suspicions, maybe he's just in denial about the whole situation which is why he's shrugging off your attempts to break up with him.
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    (Original post by ABeautifulMind)
    Why do you want to date someone you see as a friend? Break up with him already and move on. It is his choice if he still wants to be friends or not, you always run this risk when you date a friend. Your just stringing him along and I think its quite ridiculous that you are even asking whether you should stay with him.

    Worst case scenario he makes a big deal and does not accept it? Grow a backbone and tell him he has to deal with it.
    I didn't see him as a friend at first, we've been together on and off for nearly six years since I was 14. I still love him, I just don't want to be in a relationship with him any more.
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    (Original post by Roobsa)
    i think you should tell your boyfriend everything, then he might realise that you're better off just being friends. if he's had suspicions, maybe he's just in denial about the whole situation which is why he's shrugging off your attempts to break up with him.
    If I tell him everything then it will crush him, and he will never speak to me again.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I didn't see him as a friend at first, we've been together on and off for nearly six years since I was 14. I still love him, I just don't want to be in a relationship with him any more.
    Then break up with him for good?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    If I tell him everything then it will crush him, and he will never speak to me again.
    as the old saying goes, got to be cruel to be kind. you've cheated on him. a lot. so he deserves to know.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Its weird and complicated, for one he doesn't accept it and thinks I'm just being stupid or something because I've tried to break up with him before and we just end up back together, so he doesn't even take notice of what I say when it comes to that any more which means its so easy to slip back into how we are together normally. So the only option is to cut him out of my life completely and never see/speak to him again, but I really don't think I can do that, he's my best friend and I do love him and really want him to be a part of my life.
    this is exactly how i felt when i wanted to break up with my ex. i was convinced i couldnt live without him in my life because he was my first bf. But trust me, that feeling passes. if you arent happy in your relationship then you wouldbt be happy as friends. hope this helps :o:
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    (Original post by Roobsa)
    as the old saying goes, got to be cruel to be kind. you've cheated on him. a lot. so he deserves to know.
    How would you feel if after 6 years the only gf you ever had, who you're deeply in love with and probably expect to marry etc. suddenly drops that she wants to leave you as shes been seeing someone else. It will crush him, and i hate myself for how much of a **** ive been to possibly do that to him.
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    (Original post by Roobsa)
    as the old saying goes, got to be cruel to be kind. you've cheated on him. a lot. so he deserves to know.
    couldnt agree more
    i think if he knew, he wouldnt want to be with you, eventually he may forgive you and be friends, but its best for both of you if you stop stringing him along and if you and 'john' wanna be together go for it.
    in your defence i completely understand your situation, was with a guy 4 years, grew up together but fell out of love with him, he kept tryna make it work but i knew it was dead, i was making both hima and me unhappy, so for both our sakes i ended it. now im very happy and settled down with someone i truly love, and hes moved on to!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    How would you feel if after 6 years the only gf you ever had, who you're deeply in love with and probably expect to marry etc. suddenly drops that she wants to leave you as shes been seeing someone else. It will crush him, and i hate myself for how much of a **** ive been to possibly do that to him.
    other option - you stay with someone you're not completely happy with, probably continue seeing that other guy behind your boyfriends back, continue being secretive, your boyfriend to continue to have his suspicions. and more.

    i don't get how you can't see breaking up with him is the best option here. he'll get over it eventually.
 
 
 
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