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Is it really depression without physical self harm? Watch

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    Anon or delete please.
    Hi,
    I wanted to get this rant out of my system and am also hoping that others might be able to share similar experiences and help me to understand what I'm going through a bit better. I've been feeling so demotivated, self-loathing and hopeless again because my problems with perfectionism, low self-esteem etc keep coming back and stopping me from properly enjoying my life and getting ahead. I truly love my subject (when I'm not feeling like this) and was thinking of becoming an academic, so pursued a postgrad course I thought I'd love - but a few months in my issues have come back and I find myself feeling helpless, paralyzed with fear and incapable of producing the necessary essays.

    I've been diagnosed with clinical depression repeatedly: at 15 (accompanied by anorexia), during my A levels, then again in the final year of undergrad. I was prescribed antidepressants every time but never took them. This year I have finally given them a shot and started taking fluoxetine (alongside booking myself into counselling... again... :rolleyes: ) I feel like a bit of a fraud in some ways though, as most if not all depressed people I encounter on forums or in life have self-harmed and had suicidal thoughts at some point. I am very squeamish and literally terrified of death, so although at times I won't see the point to my life and can't imagine things ever getting better, I've never self-harmed or seriously considered ending my life. Does this necessarily mean I'm "not really depressed"?
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    You are depressed, depression is a mental thing not smacking yourself, thats one symptom.

    /thread.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon or delete please.
    Hi,
    I wanted to get this rant out of my system and am also hoping that others might be able to share similar experiences and help me to understand what I'm going through a bit better. I've been feeling so demotivated, self-loathing and hopeless again because my problems with perfectionism, low self-esteem etc keep coming back and stopping me from properly enjoying my life and getting ahead. I truly love my subject (when I'm not feeling like this) and was thinking of becoming an academic, so pursued a postgrad course I thought I'd love - but a few months in my issues have come back and I find myself feeling helpless, paralyzed with fear and incapable of producing the necessary essays.

    I've been diagnosed with clinical depression repeatedly: at 15 (accompanied by anorexia), during my A levels, then again in the final year of undergrad. I was prescribed antidepressants every time but never took them. This year I have finally given them a shot and started taking fluoxetine (alongside booking myself into counselling... again... :rolleyes: ) I feel like a bit of a fraud in some ways though, as most if not all depressed people I encounter on forums or in life have self-harmed and had suicidal thoughts at some point. I am very squeamish and literally terrified of death, so although at times I won't see the point to my life and can't imagine things ever getting better, I've never self-harmed or seriously considered ending my life. Does this necessarily mean I'm "not really depressed"?
    No it does not mean you are not depressed.
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    no you dont have to self harm/ be thinking of suicide for depression
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    Depression is without self harm- Self harm goes hand in hand with attention seeking, as does posting your mental history on the net
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    You really don't want to start Self-Harming, especially not because you think you should be self harming. It's really terribly addictive as well, I used to only do it when I was feeling really depressed and self-loathing, however the more I did it, the more I found I was doing it when I wasn't even feeling that depressed. I got used to it being a natural coping mechanism and so as soon as I started to feel a bit down, I'd self-harm without even thinking much about it. This was about a year ago and then when it got closer to the time where I'd be heading off to uni, I didn't feel as depressed because of the big change coming my way.

    However, recently the feelings have come back and I started self-harming again, like I said, I was doing it when I wasn't even feeling really, really bummed out and then last night while I was a bit drunk, again just feeling moderately depressed I thought I'd self-harm and ended up cutting way deeper than I had before, due to the numbed pain from the alchohol. I ended up having to go to the hospital at about 2am because it wouldn't stop bleeding and the cut was fully open, with no chance of closing without something to hold it. This actually came as a bit of a shock, as I've never had to go to the hospital before due to self-harming and gave me somewhat of a wake up call.

    I really don't recommend you start down the self-harming road...
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    I'm sorry if some people consider this to be a stupid question; I'm just finding it hard to assess how I'm feeling, and unsure whether it's worth continuing to take medication that may be helping but may be making me worse, knowing that I don't necessarily have the principal/most worrying symptom of depression. On the other hand, I know I'm not coping very well and at 22 I am pretty damned sick of the same problems that have been dogging me for years returning just when I think I've overcome them I'm really starting to wonder if there's any point continuing in academia, even though it's always been what I've loved, if it's also going to keep causing me this much misery; but then I suspect the problems will follow me whatever I try to do

    Sorry, I realise this is very negative and self-defeating. I have been trying very hard to pull myself out of this by getting into an exercise routine, getting help, etc - but the work is still paralyzing me and I am afraid.
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    (Original post by RiddleMeThis)
    Depression is without self harm- Self harm goes hand in hand with attention seeking, as does posting your mental history on the net
    In the majority of cases self-harm has nothing to do with attention- seeking, in fact the majority of self harm'ers will actively hide and make excuses for the cuts on their body, not show them off. It's a coping mechanism not a cry for attention. Of course there are exceptions but like I said, they're a minority.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    In the majority of cases self-harm has nothing to do with attention- seeking, in fact the majority of self harm'ers will actively hide and make excuses for the cuts on their body, not show them off. It's a coping mechanism not a cry for attention. Of course there are exceptions but like I said, they're a minority.
    Cool!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You really don't want to start Self-Harming, especially not because you think you should be self harming. It's really terribly addictive as well, I used to only do it when I was feeling really depressed and self-loathing, however the more I did it, the more I found I was doing it when I wasn't even feeling that depressed. I got used to it being a natural coping mechanism and so as soon as I started to feel a bit down, I'd self-harm without even thinking much about it. This was about a year ago and then when it got closer to the time where I'd be heading off to uni, I didn't feel as depressed because of the big change coming my way.
    However, recently the feelings have come back and I started self-harming again, like I said, I was doing it when I wasn't even feeling really, really bummed out and then last night while I was a bit drunk, again just feeling moderately depressed I thought I'd self-harm and ended up cutting way deeper than I had before, due to the numbed pain from the alchohol. I ended up having to go to the hospital at about 2am because it wouldn't stop bleeding and the cut was fully open, with no chance of closing without something to hold it. This actually came as a bit of a shock, as I've never had to go to the hospital before due to self-harming and gave me somewhat of a wake up call.
    I really don't recommend you start down the self-harming road...
    Thank you for the advice... I don't think I'll start self-harming, I've considered it for the first time and made a tentative attempt in the thought that anything would feel better than fear, but quickly (thankfully) got squeamish and did some intense cross-training for an hour instead... I'm really sorry to hear how you've suffered with this :hugs: I hope things are improving for you since the wake up call at the hospital and that you're looking after yourself a bit more
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    Whenever you get in those dark moods try and get out and do something.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Whenever you get in those dark moods try and get out and do something.
    Thanks for the advice. I'm doing my best at the moment - all I feel capable of really is lying in bed doing nothing all day, but when this urge overtakes me I am trying to force myself out on walks, etc as often as possible. I don't always manage it though, and I'm falling so behind with work and things, even with extensions. No matter how I try I can't seem to fully pull myself together and it's making me feel pathetic
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the advice. I'm doing my best at the moment - all I feel capable of really is lying in bed doing nothing all day, but when this urge overtakes me I am trying to force myself out on walks, etc as often as possible. I don't always manage it though, and I'm falling so behind with work and things, even with extensions. No matter how I try I can't seem to fully pull myself together and it's making me feel pathetic

    Hey anonny. I'm going through harsh times with depression (having bad self esteem with work+relationship troubles). It kinda comes in waves (every 1-2 years) and when it goes I keep thinking I'm miraculously recovered. And now I need to study and I'm finding discipline very hard as I'm in the full throes of depression. I have suicidal thought sometimes, but I know I would never actually intentionally kill myself. I'm too much of a pussy for that.

    I do however delight sobbing my heart out about not being intelligent enough to do well in life/not being sexually appealing enough for my boyfriend (or both) for an hour or more each day, aim to get some work done, actually end up watching hours of documentaries during the day in my dressing gown, decide that it's too late to study and then feel more **** about myself. Its a recommended cycle each day.
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    you sound like an idiot. of course you can be depressed without being a self harmer.
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    Yes. I was depressed from about dec 2008 to march 2009, and I never self harmed in that time. However, in about April, I did try self-harm as a management technique, however, my therapist picked up on it and made me realise it wasn't gonna help. Now, I'm not depressed and I don't self harm, but I can see why people who are depressed do self-harm, because it did give instant feelings of gratification, to see pain. Idk how to explain it. It's not good to do.
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    Of course you don't have to self-harm to be depressed! The reason most people are depressed is because they are afraid of bad things in life or are dissatisfied with the way their lives are, and so desperately want to make it better for themselves, rather than ending it all, which certainly wouldn't be a way of improving quality of life.

    I feel very down at times, and for me this is paired with a strong fear of death (both for myself and those I love), and so the last thing I would do is go and hurt or kill myself.

    Most of the talk of self-harm you hear is attention-seeking. Those who really do self-harm as an escape from depression do not talk openly about it- they hide it- and so you won't hear of most genuine cases of self-harm.
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    (Original post by Eveiebaby)
    Hey anonny. I'm going through harsh times with depression (having bad self esteem with work+relationship troubles). It kinda comes in waves (every 1-2 years) and when it goes I keep thinking I'm miraculously recovered. And now I need to study and I'm finding discipline very hard as I'm in the full throes of depression. I have suicidal thought sometimes, but I know I would never actually intentionally kill myself. I'm too much of a pussy for that.
    I do however delight sobbing my heart out about not being intelligent enough to do well in life/not being sexually appealing enough for my boyfriend (or both) for an hour or more each day, aim to get some work done, actually end up watching hours of documentaries during the day in my dressing gown, decide that it's too late to study and then feel more **** about myself. Its a recommended cycle each day.
    Hey Eveie, I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a rough time :console: I'm glad that you're not seriously considering suicide, even though you see this as a weakness, and I hope things get better for you. Are you in counselling or anything? I know exactly what you mean about the delusion of miraculous recovery and the good intentions that turn into paralyzed procrastination... When I had problems with the irrational perfectionism and anxiety/depression in the last year of undergrad getting through it was the hardest thing I've done, and I wanted desperately to give up; but although I was a crying mess of hopelessness every day I just about kept going (largely because I had a good support base and my friend would come over and actually force me to get up and go onto campus). After finishing the year, despite how hard it had been, I convinced myself that I had "learnt from my previous mistakes" and wouldn't get myself into that position again in the MA... sadly I was wrong.
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    (Original post by jannike)
    Of course you don't have to self-harm to be depressed! The reason most people are depressed is because they are afraid of bad things in life or are dissatisfied with the way their lives are, and so desperately want to make it better for themselves, rather than ending it all, which certainly wouldn't be a way of improving quality of life.
    I feel very down at times, and for me this is paired with a strong fear of death (both for myself and those I love), and so the last thing I would do is go and hurt or kill myself.
    Most of the talk of self-harm you hear is attention-seeking. Those who really do self-harm as an escape from depression do not talk openly about it- they hide it- and so you won't hear of most genuine cases of self-harm.
    Thank you for posting. I often wonder how so many people manage not to be plagued by fears of death (my first period of what could be called depression - uncontrollable crying and existential sadness - was actually at a very young age when I became an atheist and first developed an overwhelming terror about death). As regards the wanting-to-get-better idea - I'm finding this issue very confusing as I desperately want to get better and to feel able to finish my course, but although I can make just enough effort to force myself to exercise/eat/sometimes get out and about, the work still seems to be beyond me and despite my desire to get it done I have no motivation

    A close friend of mine has been a self-harmer for many years and also has severe eating disorders - she does attention-seek in the sense that she brings these things up constantly, but I think the attention seeking is part of her illness.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for posting. I often wonder how so many people manage not to be plagued by fears of death (my first period of what could be called depression - uncontrollable crying and existential sadness - was actually at a very young age when I became an atheist and first developed an overwhelming terror about death). As regards the wanting-to-get-better idea - I'm finding this issue very confusing as I desperately want to get better and to feel able to finish my course, but although I can make just enough effort to force myself to exercise/eat/sometimes get out and about, the work still seems to be beyond me and despite my desire to get it done I have no motivation

    A close friend of mine has been a self-harmer for many years and also has severe eating disorders - she does attention-seek in the sense that she brings these things up constantly, but I think the attention seeking is part of her illness.
    I developed the fear at a young age too. I remember getting out of bed one night when I was about 5 years old and going downstairs to my mother crying about how I didn't want to die. I'm also an atheist. The way I try to see it, though, is that, say I do get to a ripe old age; I would rather be able to look back and know that I really lived and did all I could to be happy, rather than that I wasted my time worrying about time running out.

    If you have no motivation to do the course for its own sake, is there a longer term prospect you can focus on- a particular career-path that can be embarked on by completing the course? Perhaps if you don't put all the effort you can in now, you risk depression later on in life because you find you can't do what you wanted to.

    Are there particular aspects of your life you don't like? The people who play a part in your life, or the lack of people in your life? I know depression isn't something that can be quickly fixed, but often it only takes small tweaks to life to make a person a great deal happier.
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    (Original post by jannike)
    I developed the fear at a young age too. I remember getting out of bed one night when I was about 5 years old and going downstairs to my mother crying about how I didn't want to die. I'm also an atheist. The way I try to see it, though, is that, say I do get to a ripe old age; I would rather be able to look back and know that I really lived and did all I could to be happy, rather than that I wasted my time worrying about time running out.
    If you have no motivation to do the course for its own sake, is there a longer term prospect you can focus on- a particular career-path that can be embarked on by completing the course? Perhaps if you don't put all the effort you can in now, you risk depression later on in life because you find you can't do what you wanted to.
    Are there particular aspects of your life you don't like? The people who play a part in your life, or the lack of people in your life? I know depression isn't something that can be quickly fixed, but often it only takes small tweaks to life to make a person a great deal happier.
    I had a similar experience; I think your way of looking at it is a very positive one though, I will try to adopt that approach
    Well, up until this experience I wanted to be an academic, in which case the MA is essential. You're completely right and one of my biggest fears has been turning out like my mum and giving up on things only to find that this makes my whole life one of bitterness and depression. Unfortunately though I suffer from an unrealistic/unhealthy perfectionism which causes me anxiety and panic attacks about my work, which in turn helps to bring on the depression I think. I've found that if I try to focus on the degree as part of a career path I start thinking that all my marks have to be amazing, etc and become frozen with fear in case the essays don't turn out well enough. I know it's irrational and that logically speaking it's better to get anything in than to drop out - I also know that I've never actually received a dismal mark for anything I've handed in - but sadly my rationality goes out of the window at these times and while I know these things I cannot feel them.
    Mostly I think I miss my friends from undergrad. I also have a tendency to lock myself away and not get enough exercise. I've spent the last few weeks forcing myself to act in these areas and thus feel a bit better, but am still getting nowhere work-wise. Sorry to rant again :o: I really appreciate your taking the time to read and respond, thank you :hugs:
 
 
 
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