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    "opening*up*is*generally*a* valuable*tool*in*relationship s*and*a*pre-requisite*to*true*closeness.  Of*course,*everything*in*mo deration*is*important.*If*we *reveal*too*much,*we*not*o nly*tax*other*people's*liste ning*skills,*but*we*also*pl ace*ourselves*at*risk*of*be ing*judged*or*even*taken*ad vantage*of.*If*we*don't*tel l*enough,*it*makes*it*espec ially*difficult*to*become*cl ose*to*others*and*develop*a *bond*with*them.*In*the*en d,*self-disclosing*is*a*delicate*dan ce*between*two*people. "

    I've never confided in anyone, my mum is overeactive and highly unsympathetic, my dad is strict and unapproachable. I can't let myself get close to friends I just don't have good experiences of opening up or seen much positive stuff coming out of doing so.

    So usually I keep it to myself, suffer in silence, wait for it to blow over, just pretend it isn't happpening.

    However, shhhit has officially hit the fan this time and people are beginning to notice me not being myself, still I can't bring myself to talk about it. I've let loads of little things build up so I wouldn't know where to start or think I will sound pathetic talking about them because on their own they are minor but together they are horrible and I don't know how to deal with problems because usually I just ignore them.

    So out of desperation and in an attempt to stop distancing/losing my friends, I think I might confide in one of them because apparently it's supposed to be good.

    My problem is how much I reveal? I don't want to bore them or scare them or come across as whiny or weak or make this change their perception of me so that they don't want to be my friend anymore. I need somebody to be there for me but if I tell them half the story they won't understand the pain, if I tell them all of it it will put them off me.

    How do I open up but not tax their listening skills?

    Thanks.

    P.s I've got a feeling I will probably start crying in front of them, I never cry in front of ppl because I'm so guarded. Is crying a big no-no?

    Thanks for reading x
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    its tough
    i've kept plenty of secrets from people and still havent told them out of feeling embarrased or getting sympathy i dont want

    try telling something small to test the water
    see how your friend reacts to hearing a small secret and then you can judge how much further you can trust this person

    good luck
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    if their a good friend they'll be happy to listen for hours/days and help you work it out.

    choose someone you are very close to and completely trust. then just let it all out, if you need to cry, then cry.
    then they'll help you through whatever it is you're going through. and you'll feel closer than ever to them.


    obviously if its a huuge thing, or you dont completely trust your friends. split it up into chunks and tell each friend one of the chunks. then theres less for each of them to handle
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    thanks that's really useful/nice
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    Any other suggestions? I'd appreciate
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Any other suggestions? I'd appreciate
    Hi there,

    I'm a counsellor. So, basically, if you want to talk this through with me, feel free to PM
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    Alternatively ring the Samaritans then you can say what you like without any repercussions. It might help you decide if you can trust your friends enough. Crying is fine....

    In the UK dial 08457 90 90 90.
    In the Republic of Ireland dial 1850 60 90 90.
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    Childline can listen too, if you're under 18 - 0800 1111. If you're at uni, your Nightline service would help you out. And there's always the option of counselling first - there'll be an NHS counselling service near you, but your school or college may well have a counsellor too, who'd be more than happy to listen to you. It might help you sort your thoughts out before you start telling your friends, if you want someone to talk to about that.
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    Thanks for ur replies people

    I have tried the Samaritans but didn't find it really useful, I mean it's nice that they are there and they did make me feel a bit better but you get a different person replying each time so it's hard to progress in conversation when you have to keep repeating yourself and they only respond to messages as seperate entities, they don't follow the story if u know what I mean...

    Plus I want to try to talk to a friend because I think it's important for me to experience closeness and trust in someone else, I'm just a bit scared of doing it and don't know how to or how much info to divulge. cos the bad stuff is really what explains why it's been hard...

    Hmm
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    How do I open up but not tax their listening skills?

    P.s I've got a feeling I will probably start crying in front of them, I never cry in front of ppl because I'm so guarded. Is crying a big no-no?

    Thanks for reading x
    If they are a close/good friend, then you won't tax their listening skills at all. I used to be like this, but a couple of my mates would keep on at me to confide in them, and always let me know they were there. Now, I'm glad to say I'm really honest and upfront about my feelings with most people. Unless it's going to cause offence, I normally put my thoughts out in the open if mates ask. Just obviously not going in massive reams of detail all the time.
    And crying shouldn't matter, if they're friends, they'll understand. You're only human!
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    From personal experience, I recommend a counsellor. Don't forget that there are lots of new potential friends out there in the future who you may be able to open up to, sometimes it depends on how you see yourself, as well as how accessible people are.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've let loads of little things build up so I wouldn't know where to start or think I will sound pathetic talking about them because on their own they are minor but together they are horrible and I don't know how to deal with problems because usually I just ignore them.
    I can fully empathise with this, I bottled so many things from 15-18 that when I actually wanted to open up, I didn't even know where to start

    Start with a friend you trust the most, and one who you think will be a good listener. Hopefully, you have also helped them out in the past so you won't feel like you're burdening them (this is a huge problem I had/have). If you don't feel comfortable, don't feel like you have to unload the whole thing in one go. Take it slower... I talked about it bit by bit, starting with the basics - what's happening, how long, how it came to this - and then gradually opened up more to talk about my own feelings - hurt, hopelessness, despair etc... I know what you mean by feeling pathetic, as I hate self-pitying too and this is essentially endorsing it; however, you will feel a lot better if you talk about it. At least then it will explain your behaviour to your friends. And really... opening up can bring people closer For the last reason alone, I would try to be honest.

    Eventually it gets easier, as there isn't such a backlog of things you have to refer to, and they will understand more by then too. I now purposely update my friends on my life, even when I would rather ignore it (some thing really are too painful), because I know they'd want to know and care as I would want to care for them.

    I've written an essay, but I hope it's helped.
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    (Original post by Meh.)
    I can fully empathise with this, I bottled so many things from 15-18 that when I actually wanted to open up, I didn't even know where to start

    Start with a friend you trust the most, and one who you think will be a good listener. Hopefully, you have also helped them out in the past so you won't feel like you're burdening them (this is a huge problem I had/have). If you don't feel comfortable, don't feel like you have to unload the whole thing in one go. Take it slower... I talked about it bit by bit, starting with the basics - what's happening, how long, how it came to this - and then gradually opened up more to talk about my own feelings - hurt, hopelessness, despair etc... I know what you mean by feeling pathetic, as I hate self-pitying too and this is essentially endorsing it; however, you will feel a lot better if you talk about it. At least then it will explain your behaviour to your friends. And really... opening up can bring people closer For the last reason alone, I would try to be honest.

    Eventually it gets easier, as there isn't such a backlog of things you have to refer to, and they will understand more by then too. I now purposely update my friends on my life, even when I would rather ignore it (some thing really are too painful), because I know they'd want to know and care as I would want to care for them.

    I've written an essay, but I hope it's helped.
    Thanks for ur time that's really helpful
 
 
 
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