Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta

been engaged for two years - but not in love anymore watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    so I feel like a terrible person.

    Been engaged to my fiance for 2 years but been together for over 3 and a half years (I've just turned 20). And I've come to realise that i'm not in love with him anymore. I care about him, but not in the way that I used to. He's away on a skiing holiday and I don't really miss him. He doesn't make my heart race any more. somethings just missing.

    Problem: he moved 300 miles away from home to move in with me and my parents about 2 and a half years ago and he has a job here.

    So TSR what should I do? I've been trying to make it work for months - encourage him to go places, relight the fire but it just hasn't worked

    how do I tell him it's over? How can I when He'll have to move out? change jobs? lose friends?

    Am I a terrible person?
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    No I wouldn't say you're a terrible person. However I'd advise you to rethink your thoughts and try to explain why you don't love im anymore. Well to be honest, you need to tell him. That just my opinion though. I'd rather know ASAP so I can make prep for the future really.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    I don't think I can really help except to say that you are definitely NOT a terrible person. You can't help the way you feel. You'll have to tell him to his face (and you SHOULD tell him). He won't have to change jobs, he just needs to move out - and presumably he has enough money to be able to do that soonish. The friends thing is awkward but he can still see them separately from you.

    I'm sorry this has happened to you and would like to reiterate that it's not your fault.
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    so I feel like a terrible person.

    Been engaged to my fiance for 2 years but been together for over 3 and a half years (I've just turned 20). And I've come to realise that i'm not in love with him anymore. I care about him, but not in the way that I used to. He's away on a skiing holiday and I don't really miss him. He doesn't make my heart race any more. somethings just missing.

    Problem: he moved 300 miles away from home to move in with me and my parents about 2 and a half years ago and he has a job here.

    So TSR what should I do? I've been trying to make it work for months - encourage him to go places, relight the fire but it just hasn't worked

    how do I tell him it's over? How can I when He'll have to move out? change jobs? lose friends?

    Am I a terrible person?
    i think you need to be selfish in this situation and do what is best for you...maybe better to break up now than to leave it, struggle by get married and then have to divorce at a later stage which would be much more traumatic. do whats best for you, its your life
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Jelkin)
    I don't think I can really help except to say that you are definitely NOT a terrible person. You can't help the way you feel. You'll have to tell him to his face (and you SHOULD tell him). He won't have to change jobs, he just needs to move out - and presumably he has enough money to be able to do that soonish. The friends thing is awkward but he can still see them separately from you.

    I'm sorry this has happened to you and would like to reiterate that it's not your fault.
    This.

    I just want to add that it's neither either of their faults since this feeling is not controllable.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    You got engaged very young. Sorry it hasn't worked out but you must tell him asap and as gently as possible.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)

    how do I tell him it's over? How can I when He'll have to move out? change jobs? lose friends?

    Am I a terrible person?
    No, you're not a terrible person! You have to be honest with yourself and him before you end up living a lie and hurting yourself and him even more.

    I know it's a really tricky situation what with the ties and connections he now has but is there no way he can go back home? OR get a house/flat where you currently are to continue his job?

    You need to sit him down and talk to him, I hope after becoming your fiancé and moving all that way you can talk to him openly and honestly, despite feeling awful.

    My ex (with whom I was with for 2 and a half years from the ages of 16-18) went on holiday to Morocco and I realised while he was there that I didn't miss him or want to be with him anymore. I appreciate it's not as serious as your situation but I had to think about how to tell him. I sat him down and explained and he said he felt the same, so you never know, your fiancé could be feeling the same too! I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and it's stronger and different to before. You need to go out there, meet new people and find out about yourself before getting into something so serious (maybe 20 is too young?).

    I would write everything down, how you feel, what's changed, what's different and then talk to him, tell him you still care about him and love him just not in the same way. Apologise but make sure he knows you have to be honest and you don't want to lie to him or carry on until you fall out and end up hating each other.

    As for the situation with his job/home, that's something that'll have to be sorted between you two. I can't say what to do there, but just be honest and let him know you support him whatever he chooses to do. Love is amazing but it often has unfortunate and uncontrollable side-effects, some of which aren't always wanted!!
    I wish you all the best and hope this helped! :yep:
    Offline

    22
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Advanced Subsidiary)
    No I wouldn't say you're a terrible person. However I'd advise you to rethink your thoughts and try to explain why you don't love im anymore. Well to be honest, you need to tell him. That just my opinion though. I'd rather know ASAP so I can make prep for the future really.
    This. Totally.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    Are you muslim?
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by KateRosie)
    Why'd you bring age into it? Love is an uncontrollable feeling and age has nothing to do with it surely!? You could fall in love at any age, but it doesn't mean it will always work out, it's just the way it is.
    Sidi was just mentioning what she saw from OP's post/Profile. She got Engaged very young. It's just a statement.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    it was very young. I guess. and no I'm not muslim.

    I just don't know how I'm meant to tell him. we very nearly broke up in July - I told him it wasn't working and I wasn't happy and he just looked crushed and told me things would change and they did, for a bit. but it's not enough - and it's not something he can do - or I can do it's just not right anymore. He's on an apprenticeship so moving home would be a major setback for him (he is temporarily laid off at the minute and doesn't know yet whether he'll get his job back) so he doesn't really have enough cash to move out.

    I just don't know what he would do - in fairness he could stay here and I could move out but that would probably be weird with my parents
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    it was very young. I guess. and no I'm not muslim.

    I just don't know how I'm meant to tell him. we very nearly broke up in July - I told him it wasn't working and I wasn't happy and he just looked crushed and told me things would change and they did, for a bit. but it's not enough - and it's not something he can do - or I can do it's just not right anymore. He's on an apprenticeship so moving home would be a major setback for him (he is temporarily laid off at the minute and doesn't know yet whether he'll get his job back) so he doesn't really have enough cash to move out.

    I just don't know what he would do - in fairness he could stay here and I could move out but that would probably be weird with my parents
    Any decent guy would be the 1st to move out if told how you feel. It's better for both parties in my opinion. Just tell him straight and see what he says.

    Even if he breaks down, well he obviously will but you've got no choice. He still needs to know.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    tell him..you have to
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    You aren't a terrible person. You would be a terrible person though if you went through with the marriage.
    You need to break it off. As gently as possible but firmly enough so he knows it's over.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I can't marry him. I know that now. But I can't stay with and try to make it work any longer. It's not working - and I need to tell him. But I don't know what to say to him. "Hi now you're back from your 6 hour drive from your parents house, I want you to pack your stuff and drive back" doesn't sound great.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    it happens to everyone, just do what every married couple does, bury your head in the sand and play happy families.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    ...or get some excitement on the side.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    you were really young to get engaged, it happens that people grow apart. I was with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years, not engaged- but hoped one day we would. He stopped loving me and ended it. Luckily we hadn't got engaged and it was easier to split, but if you are no longer i love you need to end it now before you waste more time or set a date!

    Or have a break, if you can? Even just a holiday with mates without him, see how u feel?
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 6, 2010
Poll
Are you going to a festival?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.