Forgiveness

Forgiveness
If there were no such thing as forgiveness, we would be a world of incredibly angry, constantly hurting people. We all deserve forgiveness for some wrongdoings, but how do we know when an action is forgivable and when it simply goes beyond the pale? And if we want to forgive, but don’t think we can forget, can we truly forgive to begin with? Is there such a thing as forgiving and forgetting?

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” Norman Cousins (1912 - 1990)

Forgiveness can be a wonderful act of healing yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But as anyone who has been through the process knows, truly forgiving someone is just about the most difficult thing you can do. The one question always remains – Am I truly forgiving someone if I can’t forget?

The answer is this: Being able to forgive and forget is probably an unrealistic feat. When you’ve been wronged, the mind tends to soak up the emotional damage, which can affect you as a whole person. As a part of human nature, it’s very reasonable for someone to feel overwhelming hurt and anger because memories and the mind are powerful things. When something negative happens to us, those memories tend to implant themselves and fester. Even after you’ve forgiven the situation and tried to forget, the memory of the situation rears its ugly head, the cycle begins again and you’re left to wonder if you really were able to forgive.

To get to the root of the situation, you must first try and understand the meaning of forgiveness. Forgiving someone means you’re willing accept the mistake, look past it and start over. Truly forgiving means making a commitment to never bring it up or use it your advantage. Does this mean you’ve forgotten the situation? Not necessarily. So when we forgive, we may not necessarily be able to forget, but attempting to forget is part of the package of forgiveness. Even though the memory and hurt may still linger somewhere in the back of your mind, forgiveness means not letting the wrongdoer know it. Forgiving is the attempt to break the cycle of feelings of revenge or holding grudges, and it is a decision where there isn’t a middle ground.

Whether you are willing or are able to forgive and forget is unique to an individual’s situation. Some situations may not seem worthy of forgiveness and may take a long time to triumph over, while others seem easier to forgive. If you’re considering forgiving someone, a useful guideline some relationship experts recommend is the 4 R’s: Regret, repentance, restitution and rehabilitation.

Regret: Does the person regret the action and hurt they’ve caused you? Most importantly, do you feel like they genuinely regret it rather than just saying they regret it to avoid any further consequences?

Repentance: Has the person said they’re sorry? Sometimes simply offering an apology can go a long way for a person who has been hurt.
Restitution: Have they made it up to you, or is there a way that they would even be able to make it up to you? Restitution might go beyond simply fixing what went wrong. Often, the forgiver might need something more.

Rehabilitation: Have they made a sincere effort to never repeat their mistake again? Rehabilitation should be a continual effort on the wrongdoer’s part.

What if you’re the person in need of forgiveness? Asking yourself if you’ve demonstrated these 4 R’s to the person you’ve wronged is a positive and mature step necessary to rectify the situation. As the wrongdoer, it’s important that you also understand that although you’ve been granted forgiveness, this may not mean the person is capable of totally forgetting. It’s your job to help relieve them of the burden they’re bearing from the situation.

Offering forgiveness is one of the most compassionate and loving actions you can give someone else. While it may not always be viable, being granted forgiveness can be the roadblock that is lifted on the way to true healing - often times for both people involved.