(Anonymous or please please don't post it.)
I already wrote this once but it doesn't seem to have worked so I'm going to try again. I don't know how to say what I want to say and I don't want to stop and work out a way to, so I'm just going to spit it out.
I have a group of very close friends. Last year my friend, A, was murdered. It got a bit of media attention but not much. Then one of my two best friends, B, was arrested for it. I don't believe he did it, A and B were tight as anything. My other best friend, C, has been called as a witness for the prosecution and I've been called as a witness for the defence, and it's a mess and I have no one to speak to. C genuinely believes B is guilty, and I find it almost impossible to speak to him any more, knowing he could believe that of B. My parents never mention A, or B, or the trial (which starts soon), because I'm a nice middle-class girl and nothing like this should have happened in my life. I think they sort of disapprove of me for it. I'm at a girls' school and people either don't know it happened or take the piss.
I don't know what I want to ask or what I want anyone to say or anything at all. I'm just so scared. I'm still scared for A, because I have nightmares about him being killed, and about me being killed, and I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm still shaking a year later typing this, thinking about how someone killed this friend of mine who was just the kindest and nicest person I ever knew, nicer than B or C, and it terrifies me that it happened to him. It makes me feel ill. And I'm afraid for B because I visited him in the remand centre and I'm afraid my friend is going to have the rest of his life taken away from him because the jury doesn't understand he didn't do a thing. And I'm afraid of the media, because I'm afraid that it'll be a sensational trial (because we're all 15 or under), and that they'll release B's name and even if they don't these people who never knew A or B will go raking through their lives and judging them and talking knowledgeably about their friendship and home lives, which are none of their business.
I don't know what I want to say. I don't know what I expect from this. Do you know any way to stop the media...? That won't happen; do you know any way I can help B, or if I'll be allowed to call C up while the trial's on, or how likely it is this'll be a very public trial? And I don't know if it's the same when a close friend dies naturally, but every time I think of A I think of him dying and I cry and feel ill because it's horrible and words can't even describe how it feels to know it happened; and then I feel so selfish, because I'm still alive, and I'm not facing jail, which makes it worse because I hate myself for daring to be so selfish. Can this be helped? I'm not even sure I want it to be, because it feels so disrespectful, but I'm a mess, I'm a guilty terrified mess, and I don't see how I can testify in this state.
Thank you for reading. And even if you didn't I've at least told somebody. That's all. Thank you.
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