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    This is usually something I've just been able to ignore, but recently I've found myself obsessing over it more and more.
    Basically, from the age of about 10 to 14, I did pretty much nothing. At the ages immediately before that, I'd had a pretty average existence, "playing out" with my friends and whatnot, but afterwards we moved a bit further away, and, to be honest, they were pretty chavvy and generally involved in petty crime, vandalism etc., and I highly doubt I would've wanted to hang around with them anyway (indeed, when I did hang around with them, I didn't particularly enjoy it or anything, I almost just felt like it was something I should do - as though, if my friends came to the door and asked me to go the park with them, the main reason I went was because I didn't want to have any awkward conversations with my Mother about why I didn't want to go).

    This brings me to my life at the ages mentioned above. Monday to Friday, that consisted of going to school, coming home, and obsessively reading newspapers for the next couple of hours. And I don't mean that in the sense that I particularly enjoyed doing it; it was more that I got anxious and nervous if I hadn't read that day's newspaper, and even to the extent where I'd be bored/ tired, try to skip a page, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Furthermore, if I felt I was reading it "too quickly", then I'd purposely slow myself down a bit. The crazy bit is that even though I maximised the time and whatnot, I didn't actually enjoy it: it actually made me smile when I saw there was relatively few news pages that day, or when I finished, and I even put off beginning this task, as though it were work. Lord knows why I felt this compulsion and where it came from, although I imagine it was a dodgy form of OCD - then and since, I've also had problems with other obsessive behaviour. For instance, I first got glasses in Year 7, and used to wear them during lessons, but take them off otherwise; at the end of every lesson, I'd put my glasses into the case, but I just couldn't accept they were there, and would reopen and close the case upwards of 5 times at the end of each lesson, even though each and every time beforehand I'd seen it to be present.

    After the paper reading, I'd then do homework, play on the PS2, watch TV etc. I never went out on Weekdays, with the exception of Mondays, when I did Kickboxing. Now, for the first few years, I quite enjoyed it, but afterwards I began to get more and more anxious about it and enjoy it less, mainly because, unlike others, I didn't come with someone else, so I never had a constant partner, and every week I had five incredibly anxious minutes (borderline panic attacks at times) finding a partner - I've always been socially awkward and anxious, and that just brought it out. But did I have the confidence to tell my Mother I didn't particularly enjoy it? **** did I. It seems ridiculous to think that I turned up every week for a couple of years, just because I didn't have the confidence to have a five minute conversation with my Mother, but that's exactly what happened.

    Then, on the weekends, I never ever did anything with anyone. I can quite confidently say that during Years 7 and 8, I never went to a friend's house once, no friends ever came to mine, and I could probably count the number of times I went to the park on one hand. On Saturdays, I'd obsessively watch horse racing, putting "bets" on each of the televised races, and obsessively reading the days papers in between, then in the Evenings I'd watch TV, and on Sunday I'd go to Church, do my homework, watch the TV and play the PS2 - I can confidently say that that describes 95% of the weekends during Years 7 and 8. I'd sort of left behind my primary school friends in terms of out of school socialising, but still hung around with them exclusively in school, and indeed made very very few new friends during that time, and of my friends I hang around with at school now, only probably one was someone I hung around with during Years 7 and 8. I didn't even go anywhere on my own: there was a couple of year period then where I didn't go into the centre of the city where I live once. I had a crippling fear of, for some reason, beggars: my Mum would give money to every one she saw. And, I don't know why, but that made me fearful every time we went around a corner, in case there was a beggar on that road, and so I just stopped going with my Mother, and I felt I couldn't ask friends/ didn't want to with them.

    There were many other ways I was retarding myself in that time as well: for instance, music is now a very big part of my life, but did I listen to music at all back then? **** did I. Reading was something I enjoyed a hell of a lot at Primary School; but, in Year 7, when I was half way through 1984 (I was a pretty advanced reader for my age), the sex scene terrified the **** out of me, and I don't think I read another book for at least a year. Another thing was clothing: on non-uniform days (the only time people actually saw me not in school uniform), I'd come dressed in tracksuit bottoms and a Nike T Shirt. Did I like wearing that? Of course not. Did I feel comfortable wearing that? Again, of course not. But did I have the confidence to walk up to my Mother, and tell her I'd love a pair of Jeans more than anything in the world? Of course I ******* didn't.

    So, now you're probably asking: why are you making a thread about this now? Well, for a start I spend a lot of time thinking about what might have been; e.g. a Sum 41 song came on the Common Room yesterday, and everyone started talking about how they hung around at the park listening to it when they were 13, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how I'd missed out. Similarly this afternoon, when I saw a 13 year old emo girl with writing up her arms, dyed hair etc. , and I couldn't stop thinking about why I didn't spend that time having girlfriends and having fun. Another reason is because I feel my old ways are still impacting on me now; I've gone from needing to obsessively read papers, to needing to obsessively work all the time. But, of course, from the times when I had pretty much nothing to do, I'm so unused to being busy that I get stressed when I'm even remotely so. Also, I spent a lot of my time then just thinking about how awesome the future was going to be; hell, I started reading University guides when I was in Year 9. But now I'm getting to that sort of age (I'm in Year 12), and it's just not happening, and I'm scared University will be the same, and indeed the rest of my life, especially because I'm so far behind everyone socially, and, even though I've been socialising more recently, I still feel like, because of the time spent alone earlier, I'll never actually be comfortable living in a social environment like a University. I mean, I watch a film like American Pie, or something like The Inbetweeners, and I just feel so terrible that I never experienced anything even remotely like that, and probably never will.

    Sorry for the length, but I couldn't concentrate all day thinking about this stuff, and I felt it was about time to get it off my chest, as I've never told 99% of that to anyone. I'm not really asking a question there, but I'd still be grateful to anyone who reads it and can offer advice.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is usually something I've just been able to ignore, but recently I've found myself obsessing over it more and more.
    Basically, from the age of about 10 to 14, I did pretty much nothing. At the ages immediately before that, I'd had a pretty average existence, "playing out" with my friends and whatnot, but afterwards we moved a bit further away, and, to be honest, they were pretty chavvy and generally involved in petty crime, vandalism etc., and I highly doubt I would've wanted to hang around with them anyway (indeed, when I did hang around with them, I didn't particularly enjoy it or anything, I almost just felt like it was something I should do - as though, if my friends came to the door and asked me to go the park with them, the main reason I went was because I didn't want to have any awkward conversations with my Mother about why I didn't want to go).

    This brings me to my life at the ages mentioned above. Monday to Friday, that consisted of going to school, coming home, and obsessively reading newspapers for the next couple of hours. And I don't mean that in the sense that I particularly enjoyed doing it; it was more that I got anxious and nervous if I hadn't read that day's newspaper, and even to the extent where I'd be bored/ tired, try to skip a page, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Furthermore, if I felt I was reading it "too quickly", then I'd purposely slow myself down a bit. The crazy bit is that even though I maximised the time and whatnot, I didn't actually enjoy it: it actually made me smile when I saw there was relatively few news pages that day, or when I finished, and I even put off beginning this task, as though it were work. Lord knows why I felt this compulsion and where it came from, although I imagine it was a dodgy form of OCD - then and since, I've also had problems with other obsessive behaviour. For instance, I first got glasses in Year 7, and used to wear them during lessons, but take them off otherwise; at the end of every lesson, I'd put my glasses into the case, but I just couldn't accept they were there, and would reopen and close the case upwards of 5 times at the end of each lesson, even though each and every time beforehand I'd seen it to be present.

    After the paper reading, I'd then do homework, play on the PS2, watch TV etc. I never went out on Weekdays, with the exception of Mondays, when I did Kickboxing. Now, for the first few years, I quite enjoyed it, but afterwards I began to get more and more anxious about it and enjoy it less, mainly because, unlike others, I didn't come with someone else, so I never had a constant partner, and every week I had five incredibly anxious minutes (borderline panic attacks at times) finding a partner - I've always been socially awkward and anxious, and that just brought it out. But did I have the confidence to tell my Mother I didn't particularly enjoy it? **** did I. It seems ridiculous to think that I turned up every week for a couple of years, just because I didn't have the confidence to have a five minute conversation with my Mother, but that's exactly what happened.

    Then, on the weekends, I never ever did anything with anyone. I can quite confidently say that during Years 7 and 8, I never went to a friend's house once, no friends ever came to mine, and I could probably count the number of times I went to the park on one hand. On Saturdays, I'd obsessively watch horse racing, putting "bets" on each of the televised races, and obsessively reading the days papers in between, then in the Evenings I'd watch TV, and on Sunday I'd go to Church, do my homework, watch the TV and play the PS2 - I can confidently say that that describes 95% of the weekends during Years 7 and 8. I'd sort of left behind my primary school friends in terms of out of school socialising, but still hung around with them exclusively in school, and indeed made very very few new friends during that time, and of my friends I hang around with at school now, only probably one was someone I hung around with during Years 7 and 8. I didn't even go anywhere on my own: there was a couple of year period then where I didn't go into the centre of the city where I live once. I had a crippling fear of, for some reason, beggars: my Mum would give money to every one she saw. And, I don't know why, but that made me fearful every time we went around a corner, in case there was a beggar on that road, and so I just stopped going with my Mother, and I felt I couldn't ask friends/ didn't want to with them.

    There were many other ways I was retarding myself in that time as well: for instance, music is now a very big part of my life, but did I listen to music at all back then? **** did I. Reading was something I enjoyed a hell of a lot at Primary School; but, in Year 7, when I was half way through 1984 (I was a pretty advanced reader for my age), the sex scene terrified the **** out of me, and I don't think I read another book for at least a year. Another thing was clothing: on non-uniform days (the only time people actually saw me not in school uniform), I'd come dressed in tracksuit bottoms and a Nike T Shirt. Did I like wearing that? Of course not. Did I feel comfortable wearing that? Again, of course not. But did I have the confidence to walk up to my Mother, and tell her I'd love a pair of Jeans more than anything in the world? Of course I ******* didn't.

    So, now you're probably asking: why are you making a thread about this now? Well, for a start I spend a lot of time thinking about what might have been; e.g. a Sum 41 song came on the Common Room yesterday, and everyone started talking about how they hung around at the park listening to it when they were 13, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how I'd missed out. Similarly this afternoon, when I saw a 13 year old emo girl with writing up her arms, dyed hair etc. , and I couldn't stop thinking about why I didn't spend that time having girlfriends and having fun. Another reason is because I feel my old ways are still impacting on me now; I've gone from needing to obsessively read papers, to needing to obsessively work all the time. But, of course, from the times when I had pretty much nothing to do, I'm so unused to being busy that I get stressed when I'm even remotely so. Also, I spent a lot of my time then just thinking about how awesome the future was going to be; hell, I started reading University guides when I was in Year 9. But now I'm getting to that sort of age (I'm in Year 12), and it's just not happening, and I'm scared University will be the same, and indeed the rest of my life, especially because I'm so far behind everyone socially, and, even though I've been socialising more recently, I still feel like, because of the time spent alone earlier, I'll never actually be comfortable living in a social environment like a University. I mean, I watch a film like American Pie, or something like The Inbetweeners, and I just feel so terrible that I never experienced anything even remotely like that, and probably never will.

    Sorry for the length, but I couldn't concentrate all day thinking about this stuff, and I felt it was about time to get it off my chest, as I've never told 99% of that to anyone. I'm not really asking a question there, but I'd still be grateful to anyone who reads it and can offer advice.

    It sounds like you've got yourself into a rut that you have only recently realised you were in. You obviously don't want your current lifestyle to continue.

    The fact that you're "woken up" from this lifestyle suggests that you are ready to change it. I think University would be a great start for that. There will be a lot of people in a similar position to you, and a lot of people who don't know anybody else at the university - what better way to re-invent yourself to suit your preference?

    I can't say I've ever been in your position (I was more of a waster at work & big socialiser), but I can relate to some of the things you mentioned.

    But the fact you want to be more social & the fact you're almost at University-time suggests to me that you won't have any problems. Just throw yourself into it the best you can. Introduce yourself to people in your dorms & get drinking! (Don't let it ruin your work though)
    • #2
    #2

    I am in a very similar position. In high school (roughly the equivalent of UK college) I was very anti-social, something that continues to this day.
    After coming home from school, I'd do my homework and then start watching TV (I was obsessed with quite a few TV shows as well as films) or doing things with my computer (I did quite a lot of video editing). I never met up with my friends or went to a party. Weekends were similar- either spent at home watching TV/computer or spending them in our country house.
    I wasn't involved in any sports either though thats one thing I've fixed by now (in uni).
    During grades 8-12 (after which one goes to uni- for those unfamiliar with my school system) I think I went to two parties- one to celebrate the end of middle school and the other graduation from high school. I hated them and it just confirmed for me that parties are not my thing. My summers were either spent working or spending time in the country. I don't think I saw any of my friends even once during the vacations.

    In university this trend has continued- all I do is study, do/watch stuff on my computer, train for sports and look for an internship. Aside from some student society socials which happen maybe 3 times a year, I do NOTHING socially. No casual trips to the pub, no clubbing, no house parties, nothing.

    Although I have enjoyed what I have done and some of my activities have been quite beneficial in providing me with various skills, it still feels like there is a huge part of life that I have missed out on. Whenever I watch some comedy about high school or university life, it feels like I am missing out on so much. I don't care for drinking but girls I do like. However at the ripe old age of 21 I have never dated a girl, asked one out, kissed one or done you know what.
    After graduation I plan to work in finance which means long working hours so even if I tried to have a social life then, it would be quite difficult.

    Although I don't directly regret anything that I have done up to this point in my life, I do have quite a few regrets about the things I haven't done. The best years of my life- "wasted"? Perhaps....
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    Oh ****, I forgot one of the worst parts: for the majority of Year 8, I was pretty much borderline anorexic. I'd just throw away my packed lunch, skip breakfast, and generally just eat as little as possible. I think that'd be for similar reasons to why I read newspapers obsessively: I just wanted to achieve something, and being too thin was a way of doing that. Although when my Mother found out, then again, as with some of the other problems, I ate just to avoid awkwardness with her, rather than because I actually wanted to.
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    ^ Well if you don't enjoy parties etc, why do you feel you're missing out? That's simply brainwashing by films & media.
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    (Original post by Steezy)
    ^ Well if you don't enjoy parties etc, why do you feel you're missing out? That's simply brainwashing by films & media.
    It isn't parties that I feel I've missed out on- its the girls. I don't like parties, I do like girls.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It isn't parties that I feel I've missed out on- its the girls. I don't like parties, I do like girls.

    What is it about parties you don't like? As, unfortunately, parties & girls come hand in hand. They can be met in other places - e.g. sports clubs, etc. But parties & clubs are by far the best plces for meeting girls. So yeah, what is it about parties? The drinking? The social "rules"??
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    Mate, you need to see your doctor. It certainly seems that you're suffering from exaggerated instances of OCD, and it's affecting your quality of life. Now, it makes no difference at all if you enjoyed doing the unusual things you did and had no regrets about them, but you do, and you've identified the reasons for doing them. This means you'll begin very quickly to come to resent those reasons, and you'll find it very hard to change them. There's something about the way you write, namely the things you choose to include in that account, out of the many things I would associate with what I assume to be your personality type, that suggests depression may not be too far around the corner.

    Of course I'm not a doctor, but I've dealt with people of similar situations before. Go to your doctor, and keep telling him how much this bothers you, or he'll just tell you to keep a diary or at best attend counselling.

    Hoping for the best,
    EDVB
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    1984 has a sex scene? Hrm, I should get reading that.
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    (Original post by Installation)
    1984 has a sex scene? Hrm, I should get reading that.
    The first one's with a prostitute, and, as a 12 year old, it freaked me out quite a bit.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by ExDeusVenitBritannia)
    Mate, you need to see your doctor. It certainly seems that you're suffering from exaggerated instances of OCD, and it's affecting your quality of life. Now, it makes no difference at all if you enjoyed doing the unusual things you did and had no regrets about them, but you do, and you've identified the reasons for doing them. This means you'll begin very quickly to come to resent those reasons, and you'll find it very hard to change them. There's something about the way you write, namely the things you choose to include in that account, out of the many things I would associate with what I assume to be your personality type, that suggests depression may not be too far around the corner.

    Of course I'm not a doctor, but I've dealt with people of similar situations before. Go to your doctor, and keep telling him how much this bothers you, or he'll just tell you to keep a diary or at best attend counselling.

    Hoping for the best,
    EDVB
    Is there much the doctor could actually do for me though?
    I think the main manifestation of that at the moment is in terms of when I revise, I have to do it obsessively; I'll go over a chapter of Chemistry, say, then half an hour later I'll feel the compulsion to go over it again, even though I was confident the first time of having known it all, and I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't need to do that and where I wouldn't feel anxious not doing that. Admittedly I also do work far more than I need to, because I get anxious and obsessive about the possibility of failure, and because, due to my lack of social life earlier and it still being minimal now, I focus on and define myself by academia far too much, but, again, I just can't see that changing, and I don't think I could face it changing.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Steezy)
    What is it about parties you don't like? As, unfortunately, parties & girls come hand in hand. They can be met in other places - e.g. sports clubs, etc. But parties & clubs are by far the best plces for meeting girls. So yeah, what is it about parties? The drinking? The social "rules"??
    Unfortunately those two things do go hand in hand.
    The things I dislike about parties:
    1) I just feel very bored at them, I can't really think of anything to do
    2) More often than not, the music is too loud so its difficult to hold a conversation
    3) I don't drink. Although I've made it successfully to this far without ever having been drunk, I still feel the pressure is there (even though I resist it) to drink.

    And what exactly are those "social rules" to which you refer?
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    A doctor could try and help you with the OCD type things, at least point you in the right direction with therapy. But ultimately you've gotta be committed to something like that to change. I think a visit to the doctor could be useful because it sounds like you have a lot of issues. I think you should address the issues you're having with talking to your mother, maybe talking it rhough with someone would help.

    I don't think you should look at this all as wasting your youth because in all honesty you've got all of your life to do stuff. You can still make up for it.

    Don't worry about the parties thing, I don't really like them either. I also do the same thing with newspapers, only with German ones.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Unfortunately those two things do go hand in hand.
    The things I dislike about parties:
    1) I just feel very bored at them, I can't really think of anything to do
    2) More often than not, the music is too loud so its difficult to hold a conversation
    3) I don't drink. Although I've made it successfully to this far without ever having been drunk, I still feel the pressure is there (even though I resist it) to drink.

    And what exactly are those "social rules" to which you refer?

    Well I've got to say I'd probably find parties boring if I didn't drink..... If you're sure you don't want to drink then that's good for you. But I used to find it very helpful as I was very shy and it does help you lose your inhibitions.

    Social rules may have been the wrong term for it. Certain things such as dress sense, your conduct around people, confidence, etc. These are all things which are going through most people's minds subconciously, which some people do not want to deal with.

    Again, not sure how much advice I can give here as my life goals have always been - 1. have fun, 2. stay healthy, then a few things like skateboarding & DJing, then waaaay down the list was working.

    As bad as it might sound, it would seem the main issue is not drinking - as sadly, drinking is very much an integral part in our society. Noone goes out to meet their friends at night unless it's at a bar or club. As sad as this is, it is still true, and the bonds made between friends whilst at bars or clubs open doors to lots of social opportunities.
    • #3
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    OP, Im in a very similar situation, cept im in year 13 not 12....
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Is there much the doctor could actually do for me though?
    I think the main manifestation of that at the moment is in terms of when I revise, I have to do it obsessively; I'll go over a chapter of Chemistry, say, then half an hour later I'll feel the compulsion to go over it again, even though I was confident the first time of having known it all, and I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't need to do that and where I wouldn't feel anxious not doing that. Admittedly I also do work far more than I need to, because I get anxious and obsessive about the possibility of failure, and because, due to my lack of social life earlier and it still being minimal now, I focus on and define myself by academia far too much, but, again, I just can't see that changing, and I don't think I could face it changing.
    There are things you could be prescribed. Some prefer to prescribe SSRIs, a class of anti-depressant, in instances where OCD coincides with your other symptoms, so that might be the way things go with you.

    Essentially, you simply cannot go on living your life as you do, so go to the doctor's and they fix you up with some form of treatment. Whatever they do for you, it'll take time to start working, so persevere!

    EDVB
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    (Original post by hannah_dru)
    A doctor could try and help you with the OCD type things, at least point you in the right direction with therapy. But ultimately you've gotta be committed to something like that to change. I think a visit to the doctor could be useful because it sounds like you have a lot of issues. I think you should address the issues you're having with talking to your mother, maybe talking it rhough with someone would help.
    .
    That's the problem though; I think I realise that my thinking is often quite ****** up, but then again, as the stuff in the OP shows, it's all I've ever been and all I've ever known, and I think sometimes, when I try and change, I just feel so scared, or that I'm somehow betraying the me that frittered away all those years.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's the problem though; I think I realise that my thinking is often quite ****** up, but then again, as the stuff in the OP shows, it's all I've ever been and all I've ever known, and I think sometimes, when I try and change, I just feel so scared, or that I'm somehow betraying the me that frittered away all those years.
    That's normal though, it's normal to be scared of change but if you really want to it's something you have to grin and bear with.
 
 
 
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