I don't really know where this post will go or what I want in response, but I feel I need to say it and get some sort of outside perspective on it. So, background info... I'm 18 in a few weeks, I started college again in september after freaking out over my A levels and deciding in some hazy meditation driven epiphany that I hated the place and that it was unhealthy and quickly becoming the root of a load of problems like losing touch with friends and not mentally stimulating me at all. I was kind of generally in an angry place last year aswell for some reason, I think Im over it though, I conciously tried to change myself from what I was to what Im trying to becoming, and thats kinda the break down, cause I dont know if I like what I was or what I am becoming, if that makes sense?
Its like I have certain things really going in my favour like being on a new course doing a BTEC that Im really enjoying and doing well at, I have a gorgeous girlfried of 13 months that I absolutly adore, Iv just passed my driving test, I have a really cool volunteering job at a mental health drop in centre and yesturday I actually got a fair and square tactical nuke on mw2 ;D
But on the other hand I am wickidly unstable, I can be up and down within minutes. I think too much about everything, like on a philosophical scale almost. I find myself sitting there in college or something thats even slightly boring and just thinking, why am I even here? I cant be arsed. Its like out of nowhere, massive bursts of apathy about anything whenever Im not busy, which is wierd cause Im generally lethargic and lazy, Im a 12 hours sleep a night sort of person, even if I dont sleep till 5am, which I do a lot. I even do it when talking to people, like Im overly blunt and underemotional or something. If a person is talking to me and theyre talking **** I feel like just telling them to shut up and grow a personality. That sounds really bad doesnt it? This has only really came about since I started trying to turn my life around, like typical teenager my life sucks sort of thing that I had when I was at sixth form last year, my basic problems like hating college and having no money or friends seemed to have been replaced with something else that is less apparent to someone looking in on me.
Iv gained quite a bit of weight in the past year aswell incase that matters. Im 18 stone now, gained about 2 stone in a year/18 months. I do have a lot of muscle on me and Im 6"5 but nevertheless a fair bit overweight. Food is definitly a weakness, and I hate having weakness :/ I gave up alcohol, weed and cigarettes in an instant when I started to try and better myself as a person but food just couldnt follow at all.
I sometimes just feel like I have a massive wall around me that nobody can get into to help me out and that I cant get out. Thats with regards to the out of nowhere apathy and general annoyance with everything. Im just a miserable **** half the time basically and I dont really know why when on paper my life is pretty sweet.
What should I do?