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    What do I do? Well...


    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by GS, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby ****, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
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    beat off in the FT every morning
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    (Original post by tolgahan09)
    Whats your funkin problem ? if you dont have something nice to say then piss off ! just answer my question if you dont want to then press the X bottom on the top right corner !
    Calm down mate, I think this is the best answer. Just Google it.
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1m8a4Jl4ZI

    This guy is awesome.
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    they look at nude photos of Miranda Kerr in the background when they are on air.
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    This is what investment bankers do in a nutshell.

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    They facilitate efficient capital allocation and provide the tools for capital formation.
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    (Original post by uthinkilltellu)
    What do I do? Well...


    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making bla bla bla
    Did anybody ever work out what B-school that was sent to? Apparently successfully.
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    (Original post by PorcineAviation)
    Did anybody ever work out what B-school that was sent to? Apparently successfully.
    Google informs me that:

    "This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor
    category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in
    the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary
    fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York
    City. Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square,
    Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this fall."
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    Will try to answer your question, but I will point out that most people here are right, you should really try and find out something like this yourself. It does say alot about the kind of person you are.

    Anyway and this is my definition:

    Investment bankers essentially act as an intermediary between those who are in need of capital and those who have capital. In other words they connect those who need money to invest in their companies with those who have it.

    They also offer financial services to companies and other banks such as helping them to merge with or takeover other companies.

    In order to to raise cash for companies investment banks issue securities (collective term for shares and bonds) of companies on capital markets in hope that investors will buy it.

    This is the tip of the iceberg, now I suggest you go read if you ever want to make it in this business.
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    (Original post by Christo)
    Models and bottles surely?
    Hahaha that guy is such a nerd! And the girls he is with are both really dorky too, not good looking at all! I think he's trying to be a wanna-be playboy there...
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    (Original post by Lord_Farquad)
    They facilitate efficient capital allocation and provide the tools for capital formation.
    What does that mean? :/
    And do you know that definition/explaination or where did you get it from?
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    (Original post by M_E_X)
    What does that mean? :/
    And do you know that definition/explaination or where did you get it from?
    It's open to interpretation, as in you can't describe what investment bankers do in one sentence.

    The first part means that investment bankers (well, traders and sales people actually) make markets - as in they buy and sell securities by quoting bid-ask spreads. So if there is someone who wants to sell X, the investment bank will buy it off them (acting as a warehouse), or find someone who wants to by X and make the transaction happen. In effect they make the global markets go around.

    The second part I guess refers to capital market guys, who raise money for corporations and governments. Alternatively it could mean that investment banks form pools of funds for investment (i.e. asset managers, project financing, in-house private equity teams) depending on client's risk appetite.

    I don't know where he got that quote from, but I guess from one of the many textbooks that float around.

    PM me if you have any more questions.
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    (Original post by uthinkilltellu)
    It's open to interpretation, as in you can't describe what investment bankers do in one sentence.

    The first part means that investment bankers (well, traders and sales people actually) make markets - as in they buy and sell securities by quoting bid-ask spreads. So if there is someone who wants to sell X, the investment bank will buy it off them (acting as a warehouse), or find someone who wants to by X and make the transaction happen. In effect they make the global markets go around.

    The second part I guess refers to capital market guys, who raise money for corporations and governments. Alternatively it could mean that investment banks form pools of funds for investment (i.e. asset managers, project financing, in-house private equity teams) depending on client's risk appetite.

    I don't know where he got that quote from, but I guess from one of the many textbooks that float around.

    PM me if you have any more questions.
    Thanks - I feel like I understand it a bit more now!

    I wasn't sure if he was just regurgitating some quoted definition (which he was) or actually trying to explain what they did (what you just did).

    Still, it's sorted now - thanks again!
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    I got that quote from a blog called Information Arbitrage.
 
 
 
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