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Head Boy Letter watch

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    Can someone please read my letter applying to be head boy at my school. I know it's a bit disjointed so any layout help would be appreciated. it would also be nice if mistakes were pointed out.
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  1. File Type: doc Head Boy Letter TSR.doc (26.5 KB, 8062 views)
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    Too many I would likes at the beginning.
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    (Original post by OrangeStu)
    Too many I would likes at the beginning.
    Cheers. I'll change some of them.
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    I'm not being funny but its pretty bad in general. Have you even read it through yourself?

    By captaining the side this shows that I have good leadership skills as well as the fact that I am a good listener because I had to change things if members of the listen to suggestions from other members of the team as well as the coaches.
    That doesn't even make sense at all.
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    That's soooo bad :giggle: :console:
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    Yeah i know tbh i didn't read it first, or plan what i was going to say or think about the layout and sentence structurewhilstwriting it. Not the best ideas.
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    Ah, don't fret, it isn't horrific.
    Dont use the 'i need all the help i can get' line...makes you sound desperate.

    A good bet may be to go on the personal statement on help on here, and use that structure, as you are still essentially trying to sell yourself...
    Best of luck.
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    it is kind of bad...but thats just structural issues!

    i don't think your saying the right things either...you gave a whole paragraph to your exam results? how does that make you a better head boy? someone who got 11bs could be just as good!

    think about what you'll be doing as head boy
    public speaking
    organizational roles
    interacting with visitors and people in the school
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    oooh. Don't write you're popular with sporty and less sporty people. It's not about popularity, it's about how approachable you are.
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    (Original post by Alphanumeric1927)
    Yeah i know tbh i didn't read it first, or plan what i was going to say or think about the layout and sentence structurewhilstwriting it. Not the best ideas.
    sooo you want someone to write the letter:rolleyes:
    if you want to be headboy...this is something which you should be able to do. if you cant write a letter explaining your resons then your not right for the position.
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    Quite bad TBH, seems like you sat down for half and hour and just wrote it with no planning and that you haven't read through it.

    Just reading in 1 minute I can see many things:

    Dear Mrs.,
    Mrs. who?

    I would like to apply to be for the position of Head Boy. Over my years in the school I have contributed taken part in many extra curricular activities. I have represented This includes representing the school in both cricket and rugby . I have also volunteered to help at many after school at events like such as Parents Evenings and the Year 11 Induction Evening replace with something without "evening" in it.
    I would like to be The challenge of being Head Boy would be enjoyable for me because I would like to giveback replace this sounds strange to the school for all the help and support I have been given myself received over the last five and a half years. I also think that being Having a role such as Head Boy would prove to potential universities and employers that I have the leadership, communication and organisational skills that are needed to succeed.... and whatever else you want to sayme a big boost to my university application and as I am hoping to study Law at a top university I think I need all the help I can get.
    That is only two paragraphs, but you need to properly read through it. Do not ever say "I am" or "I would also" or "I have also" so many times, it reads really badly.

    Also the end is very random, make it have an order such as:

    Introduction
    Why you want to be head boy
    Why you are suitable
    Conclusion

    Many of the points at the end are repeated or should go in earlier.
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    You need to show that you are good for the role. What does being head boy at your school actually mean i.e. what responsibilities would you have etc...? Instead of listing what you do and then what this means e.g. when you say that you captain your sports team and this shows you have good leadership skills, try to invert this structure as it looks more professional and takes some emphasis of the 'I' in your letter.

    By this I mean, stating that the position as head boy would need you to have good leadership skills and that you have already demonstrated these skills by captaining your sports team.

    Do NOT talk about "popularity", especially the way you have worded it at the moment. If you must say it, say something like: "Being head boy requires you to be likeable and approachable for people of all ages and backgrounds. I have a diverse group of friends in my year and also have connections with the lower school through my helping out on etc. etc."

    Also try and cut your exam results section down a bit. You can say that you were pleased with your results, particularly the AS you did a year early and that you feel this demonstrates your commitment to your studies and ability to work hard. You don't need to list your exact grades - the school will know them already. Also, by all means say that you want to go on to study Law at university but instead of saying that being head boy will be a good way of making your application look better, say something like "Being head boy will allow me to demonstrate skills such as [insert skills] and would support my application to study Law at university so I would really welcome this oppurtunity.
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    [Insert full address?]
    Year 12SW
    05/02/2010

    Dear Mrs [insert surname here],

    I am writing to you with regard the application for the prestigious and rewarding role of Head Boy. Over my years at this school I have contributed widely to many extra-curricular activities, as well as representing the school in both cricket and rugby. I have also volunteered to help the school at events such as Parents’ Evening and the Year 11 Induction Evening, where I have shown my mature and adaptable qualities [if you did actually attend these].
    I would like to be Head Boy as a means of giving back to the school what it has given me; including help and support over the last five and a half years. I also believe that being Head Boy would give me considerable merit and stature to my university and future employment applications and, as I am hoping to study Law at a top university, I think I need all the help I can get [I would personally just delete from “and” to “get”. They’re looking for somebody that genuinely wants to benefit the school, not just do something so they can write it down on a piece of paper (even if they may know that this is a primary goal with most people applying for the position)].
    I have worked extremely hard academically during my years at Treorchy Comp [use the full school name, not an abbreviated version] and was rewarded with what I believe to be excellent GCSE results: 4A*s and 8As. I was a member of the Welsh (A 2007), Spanish (A* 2008) and Mathematics (A 2008) classes. I also received a C in AS Welsh last year, attributing my adeptness and confidence in the subject. I am currently studying for 4 AS levels and hope to continue with all of these subjects at A2. I believe that these grades, and the fact that I am planning on continuing with four A-levels at A2 demonstrate that I am hard-working and that I have a desirable attitude to both my academic endeavours and future development.
    I believe that I would be the best candidate for Head Boy as my personal qualities are highly suited to the role. I am very punctual and organised; this is proven by my three Compact certificates. I am a good leader and have previously captained my local rugby side, exhibiting my leadership and teamwork skills.
    As a person, I am confident without being arrogant and courteous [so you’re not polite and considerate?]. Socially, I am likable and well mannered and take pride in my sense of humour. I am loyal to my friends and I am popular amongst all social groups [do not include the sporty and academic people point – it sounds rude in my opinion]. I have also participated in both the literacy and numeracy support programs run by the school, showing my ability to connect with the lower school children and willingness to act as a role model for those lower down in the school.
    Overall, I am a mature, independent and responsible student and young adult and feel that I would flourish and indeed benefit from the role of Head Boy and the additional responsibility which it entails.

    Yours Sincerely,


    [Signature here].


    Joe Bloggs.

    Pm me if you want a proper one but that's just a quick draft I made for you. You might want to look at your structure a bit. Good luck!
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    I am in ur position and i am going for that role, but i dont think this is very good and i wuld defo take these guys advice
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    hmmmm really
 
 
 

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