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constantly need to be approved by others... watch

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    Hey everyone.
    I don’t know how to get out of this situation but maybe some of you could give sensible advice…

    I have very little self esteem. By that I mean that I always think I’m annoying people or boring them, that they don’t really care for me. I constantly need to be approved by the people who are important to me.
    I don’t doubt my capacities, I’ve never said to myself “I can’t do this”. On the contrary I am very sure about my skills and capacities. I am very insecure regarding to what other people think and how they act around me (only the people I care for).

    This means, when I’m in a relationship I start to interpret every sentence and action of my partner. For ex “oh, he logged of without saying bye, he must be pissed off, what have I done wrong …” and then I start worrying A LOT.

    This as been a big issue in my latest relationship, but it also making the simplest thing annoying for me as I start analysing everything.

    I want to change, but honestly I don’t know how to.
    Any advice?
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    I live by a simple rule - "If you don't like it then go **** yourself", i get along alright. Seriously, try it for a few days
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    Try and dissassociate yourself from the self critical thoughts that emerge. What you think isn't necessarily entirely true. Are your thoughts always proved right? Does everyone really dislike you? Where's your evidence that your annoying or boring? If its based on speculation in your own head then its likely pretty spurious.

    Look into cognitive behavioural therapy. This can be useful for tackling thoughts emerging through low self esteem.
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    (Original post by darigan)
    I live by a simple rule - "If you don't like it then go **** yourself", i get along alright. Seriously, try it for a few days
    Oh I wish I could! But my brain has a life of it's one!:p:


    (Original post by lovebuzz)
    Are your thoughts always proved right? Does everyone really dislike you? Where's your evidence that your annoying or boring?



    Atm I’m thinking those thoughts they seem really true. But when I look back at it, say when I've calmed down, the whole thing looks ridiculous. I'm simply over reacting!

    My thoughts aren't right, not everyone dislikes me, in fact, not many people do. I have no evidence of being annoying or boring but because I analyse every single word or action I start picking on trivial things. (Utterly pathetic I know)

    That’s the whole problem: how can I stop thinking ridiculous and unrealistic thoughts that destroy my self esteem (and make me look like I'm mad?)
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    (Original post by poupee-thedoll)

    That’s the whole problem: how can I stop thinking ridiculous and unrealistic thoughts that destroy my self esteem (and make me look like I'm mad?)
    Worst thing is that because these thought have an effect on your self esteem, they effect your behaviour, you may become quitier and more distanced because of them, and then suddenly your fears are proved correct in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way (which continues to make you feel worse and you continue to repeat the cycle).....


    .... repeat after me:

    "GO **** YOURSELF"
    no, not like that, louder........ LOUDER!!!!!

    feeling any better yet?

    //edit... oh dear, look at my spelling
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    (Original post by poupee-thedoll)
    Oh I wish I could! But my brain has a life of it's one!:p:







    Atm I’m thinking those thoughts they seem really true. But when I look back at it, say when I've calmed down, the whole thing looks ridiculous. I'm simply over reacting!

    My thoughts aren't right, not everyone dislikes me, in fact, not many people do. I have no evidence of being annoying or boring but because I analyse every single word or action I start picking on trivial things. (Utterly pathetic I know)

    That’s the whole problem: how can I stop thinking ridiculous and unrealistic thoughts that destroy my self esteem (and make me look like I'm mad?)
    When it's quiet, sit by yourself and try and relax, and then try to visualise as best you can what it's like for other people to look at you. You'll realise that people are more concerned about themselves than to bother themselves too much over other people. I'm sure that when you're around other people, you don't judge? That's what it's like for other people when they're around you.
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    (Original post by darigan)
    Worst thing is that because these thought have an effect on your self esteem, they effect your behaviour, you may become quitier and more distanced because of them, and then suddenly your fears are proved correct in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way (which continues to make you feel worse and you continue to repeat the cycle).....

    so so TRUE!!
    and this is what is starting to happen!
    better get a move on...

    ok , here I go :

    GO **** YOURSELF
    GO **** YOURSELF
    GO **** YOURSELFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF F!!!

    uhm :o:



    (Original post by darigan)
    oh dear, look at my spelling
    Oh don't look at mine, lived in France for so long can't even spell properly... never mind the accent :cool:


    (Original post by Don John)
    people are more concerned about themselves than to bother themselves too much over other people
    once again, TRUE ... but as said before, my thoughts have a life of their one.
    I know all this is ridiculous and not realistic that's why it must STOP, quick!
    in fact it's a bit like paranoia ... OMG :yikes: never thought of it this way :sadnod:
    • #1
    #1

    (Original post by poupee-thedoll)
    Hey everyone.
    I don’t know how to get out of this situation but maybe some of you could give sensible advice…

    I have very little self esteem. By that I mean that I always think I’m annoying people or boring them, that they don’t really care for me. I constantly need to be approved by the people who are important to me.
    I don’t doubt my capacities, I’ve never said to myself “I can’t do this”. On the contrary I am very sure about my skills and capacities. I am very insecure regarding to what other people think and how they act around me (only the people I care for).

    This means, when I’m in a relationship I start to interpret every sentence and action of my partner. For ex “oh, he logged of without saying bye, he must be pissed off, what have I done wrong …” and then I start worrying A LOT.

    This as been a big issue in my latest relationship, but it also making the simplest thing annoying for me as I start analysing everything.

    I want to change, but honestly I don’t know how to.
    Any advice?
    I know exactly what you mean, because I feel/do exactly the same things you do. I over analyse everything, take the smallest thing to heart, etc. The example you gave is one I always think! It's a problem in my relationship, aswell. A big one.

    Chin up. :o:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know exactly what you mean, because I feel/do exactly the same things you do. I over analyse everything, take the smallest thing to heart, etc. The example you gave is one I always think! It's a problem in my relationship, aswell. A big one.

    Chin up. :o:

    wait, wait, wait...you mean I'm not the only one?!!!!!

    Have you tried to do someting about it?
    how does your boyfriend react?
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    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...3#post22854403

    This should help you tremendously.

    The fact that you don't even doubt yourself will make it easier than most too; a lot of people fake it but never actually make it.
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    (Original post by vilage_idoit)
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...3#post22854403

    This should help you tremendously.

    The fact that you don't even doubt yourself will make it easier than most too; a lot of people fake it but never actually make it.

    Very good post!

    but it's not really that type of low self esteem I have.
    I mean, I don't dress in a certain way, I just buy clothes I like, I take intrest in things nobody else does and that's because I am interested in them, I think I can say I love myself.
    The thing is I am afraid people will not love me. Not everybody, just the people I care about. I also have frequently the feeling I am being taken advantage of.

    Don't think your thread was about that type of self esteem, or did I miss out on something?

    Edit :
    (Original post by vilage_idoit)
    To come to terms with your ego, you need to realise that you only need your own approval, .
    This.
    it's exactly what I have to do.
    The question is how?
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    (Original post by poupee-thedoll)
    Very good post!

    but it's not really that type of low self esteem I have.
    I mean, I don't dress in a certain way, I just buy clothes I like, I take intrest in things nobody else does and that's because I am interested in them, I think I can say I love myself.
    The thing is I am afraid people will not love me. Not everybody, just the people I care about. I also have frequently the feeling I am being taken advantage of.

    Don't think your thread was about that type of self esteem, or did I miss out on something?

    Edit :

    This.
    it's exactly what I have to do.
    The question is how?
    Unfortunately no one can do this for you. I tried in my post to explain how to do this as best as possible but at the end of the day no matter how many people believe in you if you do not believe in yourself then it doesn't matter.

    Only you can realise this. I know that in my life I will never be short of friends, I know that I will never have a massive sex drought and that I will always have people who have got my back as I have got theirs. I know this because I am far too confident and certain of my capabilities to even consider the opposite happening, never mind it actually happening.
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    You sound like me.

    It's a bugger
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    (Original post by vilage_idoit)
    I will always have people who have got my back as I have got theirs
    The thing is, all the people who I though had my back are letting me down... Why? it depends: some are jealous because I'm doing very well, others because they've got a new BF/GF etc.
    At the end of the day, if I need help no one is there for me. But if people need help they just run to me.
    Well prefer it to be like that than the other way round.

    (Original post by jumpingjesusholycow)
    You sound like me.

    It's a bugger

    I bought a book yesterday about this.
    I'm half way through it, but if you want I can sort of sum it up for you once I’ve finished it (for Anon as well)
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    (Original post by poupee-thedoll)



    I bought a book yesterday about this.
    I'm half way through it, but if you want I can sort of sum it up for you once I’ve finished it (for Anon as well)
    Sure
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    (Original post by poupee-thedoll)

    ok , here I go :

    GO **** YOURSELF
    GO **** YOURSELF
    GO **** YOURSELFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF F!!!

    uhm :o:
    Excellent work, I think that we have made some real progress here today.

    But seriously, you can ask for advice, and you'll get some advice on here, but the only person that can really help you is you (i sound like i'm writing the script to a soppy chick-flick......). The darigan brand of therapy may not work for everyone, but you have got to find a way to feel more confident and to stop needing the approval of others. Its easy for me to say 'just do it', but sometimes it really is that simple.

    Confidence breeds confidence, all you need is a starting point.
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    (Original post by darigan)
    Excellent work, I think that we have made some real progress here today.

    We did akshully

    TBH, all you people have said has helped and that book is helpful too.
    As you all said, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who can do something about it.
    I know it will take some time, but it's a good start!

    I suppose I just got sick of being like that because, 3 years ago I wasn't at all like that.

    As you all said, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who can do something about it.

    Just shows, get with wrong people and it can bring a lot of sh*t :woo:
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    (Original post by poupee-thedoll)
    We did akshully
    Glad to hear it.

    When you do what you do, do it for you
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    I'm coming late to the party, but just to say darigan has it right. Even if it's quite depressing to admit it.

    I used to feel a lot like you describe, when I was about 17/18. I was very into second-guessing people's 'motives' and construing them as somehow negative towards me, or believing that people were judging me based on spurious grounds (i.e. 'my best friend of ten years might reject me if I wear my yellow tights')

    There really is only one way to get over it - think 'I'm okay as I am; **** you all'.
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    I know exactly what you mean. Looking back I can see so many situations when not feeling like this would've made life better. If people do have a problem with you then you'll find out somehow. I guess if you havent heard of this then you must be doing ok
 
 
 
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