My boyfriend is really wonderful to me, but one of his closest friends happens to be a gorgeous, outgoing girl. He spends a lot of time with her and talks to me about her all the time. He's really open about his friendship with her and tells me I have nothing to worry about, but they do so much together and have a really close emotional relationship.
I can barely concentrate on anything but this situation. I try and then my mind just reverts back to it and I feel physically sick and miserable and nauseous and I keep crying (not in front of him). WHAT SHOULD I DO? I want to believe what he tells me...that she is important to him, but in a different way, and that he loves me...but it is so hard to believe that he isn't attracted to her. I mean, she's lovely!
I also wonder what my approach should be towards him...I want him to know that I support his friendships but I want to be the most important girl in his life and I feel so threatened and afraid.
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driven mad by jealousy - how to make this stop? watch
- Thread Starter
- 12-02-2010 06:45
- 12-02-2010 07:41
If he says he doesn't have feelings for her, the only thing you can do is believe him. If you believe him, then there's nothing to worry about obviously. If you don't, you need to fix this issue. Tell him about the problem you have and he will probably say 'you have nothing to worry about babe, I only have eyes for you' or something to that effect.
Either way, the issue appears to be internal. Literally, there is nothing you can do: i.e. you can't stop their friendship and you can't change the way she looks, nor can you change the way he may or may not feel towards her. You have to get past this if you ever want the relationship to work in a long-term/serious way, otherwise it'll always bubble on the surface and eventually it'll manifest itself as a break up.
Exercises you can do:
- Learn to mentally break away from your boyfriend. Obviously you have a deep attachment with him and that's completely understandable. I recommend you detach yourself temporarily. Just wean yourself off slightly. Find something you're REALLY passionate about, and you'll find that you forget about dwelling on the negative.
- Ask your boyfriend if there's anything negative about her. If he tells you things about her that he finds annoying, it may make his statement that he's not into her more believable.
-Spend more time with your friends and discuss other good looking guys. Feel like a bit of a hypocrite? Good, that's the idea. If you can get into the idea that you yourself can be around guys you find good-looking, but not feel anything about them, you'll find the idea believable in your boyfriend's case.
- Think about the possible ending. Jealousy NEVER has good ends and will almost always end in regret. If you let it boil, it'll blow up, you'll break up, and you'll feel guilt and self-despise for being 'jealous'. You'll think about how easy it would have been to have just given him the benefit of the doubt.
- Smile and be happy that he's yours and not anyone else’s. If he wanted her, he'd probably be with her right now.
- My own jealousy that I felt with my ex
- What my current girlfriend feels about one of the girls in my life: she knows I belong to her alone so she's okay with it.
Hope I helped!Last edited by jumpingjesusholycow; 12-02-2010 at 07:44.
- 12-02-2010 10:28
I think a little jealousy is normal in this respect. However you should never make him choose between his friend and you, especially when he's done nothing wrong.
Of course I've been at the jealous stick of a similar situation too, but I knew I had no right to complain. So I explained my feelings to my boyfriend and just asked him to reassure me more, whilst stressing very clearly that I did not want him to lose this friend because of me. He took my feelings on board and told me loads of lovely stuff and tried to get us girls to be friends. I still get insecure every so often but it's far less frequent now I've met her and she is lovely, and I've witnessed the interaction between them two and it does just appear purely platonic.
- 12-02-2010 10:36
He Is With YOU