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confused and messing everything up again :( watch

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    hey, sorry this is a bit long but is a pretty complicated and ****** up situation....

    um, basically when i came to uni i wasn't in a very good relationship. wel, it started off really good, we were living together and everything seemed fine but after i went to uni my bf's life just seemed to fall apart - he lost his job, and just spent every day getting stoned/drunk, and used to be rele depressed all the time. he also started getting really aggressive and angry with me over really little things (like saying im 'too loud' when i eat), i could see he was basically losing it, and i tried to help him as much as i could, spending most of my overdraft travelling back home to see him every week. this meant i didn't really get much of a social life at uni and i could tell some of the girls i lived with thought i was 'weird' for not going on nights out or anything, but at the time i didnt really care as just wanted him to be ok! i was also pretty stressed by trying to get uni work done as well as trying to keep my relationship going....and yet he just seemed to get worse and worse and get more annoyed at me, although on some days he would be really loving and optimistic...it was pretty schizo really, like i never knew what sort of mood he was going to be in. at one point all the pressure and arguing got to much for me and i slashed up my arm a bit too much and ended up in hospital (i've always tended to self harm as a coping thing, im not an attention seeker etc etc so really dont need to hear judging comments about this!) however, he just said i was 'pathetic' when he heard about this, and kind of told me he didnt really care.

    anyway, i kind of drifted away from him because i felt like i couldn't do anything more, even though i really loved him, and started going out more at uni, made loads of new friends, and stopped going home as often as before because i got involved with more social stuff at uni. this obviously made things worse because he started feeling rejected, and got angry about it, and everytime i did go home our arguments would be even worse and he started getting kind of physically aggressive when he was drunk, like pushing me round and stuff. and then i ended up accidentally kind of developing feelings for a guy on my course, who was like the opposite of my bf in a lot of ways- like, just really nice, and lovely.... and pretty much because of this and because of the other stuff i split up with my bf. the guy i liked and i had a brief thing but he decided to get back with his ex because he really loved her, and my ex kept phoning me and crying and begging all the time, and over the summer, i guess i just felt a bit crap and lonely and i kind of gave in to all the pleading, and met up with him a few times...however we ended up just arguing , because he found out i still hadfeelings for the otehr guy and was obviously angry about it.... and yet i still felt really sorry for him in a way because, like, he was basically just an alcoholic byt his stage. i dont know how else to describe it - he wa sjust getting drunk like every day. anyway, basically one night he phoned me and siad he 'really needed' to speak to me and it wa surgent, and he was crying down the phone so iw ent to see him at his, but he was completely out of it when i got there, like his eyes looked weird and he wa sjust talking crap, so i decided to leave. but then he grabbed me and wouldnt let me go, and pushed me down and started trying to have sex with me - i kept shouting at him to stop but it was like he literally couldnt eher me, and he pulled down my trousers and like forced hismlef inside me. and i just felt horrible ebcause it felt like he was basically raping me. and then part of me wondered if i shud just lie there and stop pushing him off so it wasnt, like, rape, because i hated the fact that this guy i used to really love was doing this to me...but then i felt so much anger at him, and i punched him as hard a si could in the face and he stopped. he just looked rele confused though like he didnt no what had happened, and he kept talking but i couldnt understand what he wa ssaying, and kind of passe dout.

    anyway, i wa sobviously really uspet in the days after this, and i hada go at him about it and wa scrying down the phone to him, but hesaid he literally couldnt remember it at all, and then he got really abd again, like hating himslef and being rele suicidal.

    and this is the part i ahve a problem with...like, basically i felt bad because he kept syaing how awful he felt and how much he loved me and how he wnated to die, so i went to see him, and ended up sleeping with him - well kind of, because like i started crying when he was inside me again because it just felt too weird and horrible, and i realised that, however much i didntw nat him to die/**** up his life, what he'd done had liek totally killed any feelings i had for him. and then i decided to cut him out of my life, which was hard because he did genuinely sound like he was going to commit suicide.

    anyway, been back at uni for a while now, and my main problem is that i just feel so disgusting and worthless and horrible because of the fact that i went back and tried to have sex with him a second time after what he'd done, i've been self harming a lot and just feel like crap most of the time, and its really affecting my work, i also keep having nightmares about him and i just dont really feel too good! i've also not been eating recently, which kind of helps me feel less horrible - i know that sounds weird lol - but im a bit worried about that too, because when i was younger i had anorexia and it made my hair fall out, and i really dont want to get to that stage again...and i had a bf at uni until recently (the guy off my course, who split up with his ex over the summer) and although i really loved him, and i think he liked me, he said i probably had too many problems for him to cope with (i've also been diagnosed with BDD and sometimes cant breathe and get panic attacks about looking ugly when out and stuff, which again i know sounds weird..)

    and yeha, i just feel really lonely and crap right now! i do have friends, like i go out with my flat and hang out most days round peoples houses or at mine, go tot he cinema, go to pub, etc, its just when im on my own that all this kind of gets to me! i also really miss my bf at uni... he basically said he'd wait for me to 'sort myself' out and then we'd get back together. but tbh, i rele dont know where to start

    any advice? sorry i realise this whoel thing makes me sound liek a compleet freak...which is why im posting it on an anonympous message board rather than uploading it onto my mates
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