This is all new to me - I don't usually post on here but I'm desperately seeking some advice. To be honest, I'm at the end of my tether. On the surface and to the vast majority my life is a bed of roses - I did extremely well in my A levels, have parents who are irreplaceable and suppport me no matter what, a sound group of friends and associates and one of the most thoughtful boyfriends a girl could wish for. However, I'm tortured, with every day being a constant battleground inside my head. I thought I'd run down some contributing factors and see what you guys think. I know normality is overrated and subjective, but I'd also appreciate advice from people in a similar position to myself ( if there are any).
1) This is difficult for me to confess on here but I was abused by my previous partner, both psychologically and physically. The relationship culminated in me leaving his with blood on my hands ( my own blood may I hasten to add before you get any ideas - this is not that kind of confessional). I stuck around for near on two years and still to this day berate myself for allowing myself to be so vulnerable. I still wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats - I'm prone to night terrors.
2) From this relationship I developed an eating disorder. The doctor doesn't seem to think I ever had one simply based on the fact I never saw myself as fat. I was completely in control but I think this is what I craved - control. Calorie counting took over my life and now I feel as though I wasted over a year of my life on something so futile. I would skip social occassions just because I had to eat in front of others and I may be enticed into eating something laced with hidden calories. My attitude is now the polar opposite - I binge eat. I've recently took up an exercise regime but eating copious amounts is where my only happiness generates from.
3) I'm a university drop out - only managed to last a piteous five weeks before it all came too much. It did not live up to my unrealistic expectations and I heaped too much pressure on myself from the oft -Freshers Week was a nightmare for me as I was too stressed to even enjoy myself. I became agitated if I wasn't working and couldn't wind down and relax. My menstrual cycle also suffered, with my bleeds behaving erratically. I lost so much weight and dropped to a meagre 6 stone. I thought by leaving University I could sort my health out but I don't feel as though I'm making much progress.
4) My job relies heavily on me making small talk with customers and interacting with a whole host of people from a diverse range of backgrounds. However, I just can't cope with this. I've always been pretty reticent. However, I thought I'd managed to overcome this whilst at college - I even delivered speeches in front of strangers, for heaven sakes. I'd love to be able to talk to people but I can just never find the right words and stammer and stutter through every exchange. My mind goes blank and my heart starts racing. Only a limited selection of words ever come to mind when I go to open my mouth. I've had a innumerable number of panic attacks at work over this yet I'd find it a waste of everyones time to actually confess the reason why. Perhaps I am delusional - who knows? I'm even getting nervous talking to my own parents and my friends Ive known for years.
5) I have recently started a course of anti-depressants. Ive been on these for around two months. I know I should give them time to start working but I don't feel any differently. I'm on the waiting list to see a counsellor but I'm on the brink - nothing can make me happy any more and that's all I want, that is all I desire. I don't care about material possessions or status, I just want to have control over my mind again and to erase these dark, conflicting thoughts.
I realise this has been quite a long post but I would appreciate any advice or anyone to message me who has been through a similar situation and has come out over the other side. I don't know why I have so much trouble verbalising and articulating my thoughts. Achieving straight As at A level does not rule out a learning difficulty and I swear my communicative standards are severly under par.
Those voices inside my head ... watch
- Thread Starter
- 14-02-2010 12:55
- 14-02-2010 13:04
see a GP and a counsellor, and whoever else they may refer you to. people on here will not beable to help as much as they will. just beleive it will get better because it will, be positive and look forward to the future instead of focusing on the past. good luck
- 14-02-2010 17:39
You've been through a hell of a lot but you're still holding things together - this in itself is a strain. Yes, anti-depressants take a while to work but maybe have a word with the doctor to see if you've given them a long enough trial. I know there is a ridiculously long wait for counsellors. Would you be able to see someone privately?
How much have you confided in your parents or boyfriend?
I haven't been through a similar situation. However people can't message you directly as you're anon. Feel free to pm me if you want to offload in private.
- 14-02-2010 19:20
I'm in a similar situation. I haven't happy for well over a year, and it's gotten to the point where I can't take it anymore, some of my thoughts have turned suicidal. I've driven everyone away, and i'm a lonely wreck. I'm also on the waiting list for a counsellor.
- 14-02-2010 19:22