Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Please keep anon or delete.

    I've found myself in a bit of a tricky situation with my lecturer and I don't know what to do about it

    As the stereotype goes, I have a huge crush on him and have done since our first conversation. Admittedly, I try really hard on assignments because of him - even if he's not marking them.

    I feel that we've become quite close over the last few months and formed somewhat of a friendship. Despite having a mad crush on him, I never expected anything more than a friendship and in no way did I try to forge anything more out of respect for his career.

    But something changed when I was in his office last week; I was there to collect my essay and after receiving feedback, conversation veered to other topics, as usually happens. As I went to leave, he stood up too (which he never normally does), so I smiled politely and went to open the door, when he called my name. I turned around and he was standing so close to me, and before I could figure out what was going on, he leaned in to kiss me. Initially I was shocked but I stupidly let my feelings overtake me and I kissed him back. After we broke apart and I realised what just happened, I just said I had to leave and walked out of his office.

    I'm just so confused now, but the thing is, I actually want to kiss him again when I know that I really shouldn't and I feel absolutely ridiculous for feeling this way. He doesn't seem like the type to regularly come on to his students but I'm just not sure anymore.

    Any advice would be appreciated
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Anyone?

    I had a lecture with him today and kept wishing I was in the room with him alone...

    I really don't know what to do and need some advice please
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Wouldn't he get into trouble if he was getting involved with a student?
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    Umm... if that's not against policy, why not pursue it?
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anyone?

    I had a lecture with him today and kept wishing I was in the room with him alone...

    I really don't know what to do and need some advice please
    I'm gonna assume you're not trolling.....

    Anyway - you gotta cut it out, if you two get caught he'll get the sack, and you may lose you degree (conflict of interest, him abusing his senior position)

    If you wanna get funky when you've completed your degree then fine
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    The thing is, I don't want to get involved with him. Of course, I don't want him to lose his job - I just wish it never happened because I really don't want to feel this way about him. I could deal with the crush in itself, but not this.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Try to find out if your University has a policy about lecturer-student relationships. According to this article only about half of Universities do: http://www.timeshighereducation.co.u...orycode=401935
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    My uni has no policy on lecturer-student relationships but even still I can't; he's married.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Lindsey123)
    Try to find out if your University has a policy about lecturer-student relationships. According to this article only about half of Universities do: http://www.timeshighereducation.co.u...orycode=401935
    But it also depends on the subject. On the off chance the OP is on a course such as medicine (in particular) or teaching etc where the focus is practical and person-based, the regulations are probably different. I know for a fact that it's a regulation on medical students that they do not enter relationships with their tutors/lecturers etc whether or not the university itself allows it or not.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    It happens all the time, go for it
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I would if he weren't married. But I don't want to be the one breaking up his marriage
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I would if he weren't married. But I don't want to be the one breaking up his marriage
    Don't worry about that. The wife will probably never find out and he will never leave her for you as he probably just sees you as the bit on the side.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by explosions hurt)
    Don't worry about that. The wife will probably never find out and he will never leave her for you as he probably just sees you as the bit on the side.
    I don't particularly want to be his 'bit on the side'...
    • #2
    #2

    Go for it, not for a relationship but just for the sex.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    Sounds a bit like he's used to behaving around women he finds attractive, who aren't used to being around men they find attractive. It is fairly common for men who are still attractive in their mid 30s and onwards to behave like this; the confidence, notably. When he kissed you, you should have told him that it makes you uncomfortable, he has a wife and should know not to take advantage of people in a place of learning where he has a position of authority.

    I would estimate with 97% certainty that he doesn't feel anything other than sexual and perhaps a little intellectual lust for you, and would wager my favourite hat that he has done that or something similar before.

    Explosions is right when he says you are just his bit on the side. Amongst others, I'd imagine. Probably right in his element as a lecturer to tens / hundreds of girls every year.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I would be very careful here - he's married and the whole situation is a little dodgy. You're his student, he knows that he has a wife at home and you're at a point now where you can step back and stop the situation from getting deeper. I was involved with a married man and it was one of the most painful things I ever did. I really fell for him and eventually had to end it because of the guilt I felt knowing he had a wife and children at home. I posted a thread about it if you want to read that, as it's along the same lines as your situation.

    He is essentially abusing his position, as he made a move on you when you were alone in his office getting feedback for an essay. The confusion you feel is very familiar to what I went through. I didn't know the man I was involved with was married at the time, but after I found out I had conflicting feelings of wanting to end it but still wanting him. From my experience, its not worth being the 'bit on the side'. It hurts when it ends - and it will inevitably end because these men are married and want to have their cake and eat it. Take care, maybe try and get out now before it gets worse.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't particularly want to be his 'bit on the side'...
    You don't have to be. My advice would be end it now, even if you want to be with him badly, the chances are you'll get hurt in the end, and it will always be a secret relationship. How old is he?
    You said you don't want to be the one breaking up the marriage, and if you do you'll feel so guilty about it. You know he is unfaithful anyway because he's cheated on you, so you'll never really be able to trust him.

    I know this is going to sound harsh, but who do you think he'd choose in the long run? One of his students he once kissed out of lust, or his wife who he's known for years (probably) and fallen in love with? He may even have children, I don't know.

    Anyway, whatever you do good luck x PM me if you want to chat
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by kim_b1990)
    I would be very careful here - he's married and the whole situation is a little dodgy. You're his student, he knows that he has a wife at home and you're at a point now where you can step back and stop the situation from getting deeper. I was involved with a married man and it was one of the most painful things I ever did. I really fell for him and eventually had to end it because of the guilt I felt knowing he had a wife and children at home. I posted a thread about it if you want to read that, as it's along the same lines as your situation.

    He is essentially abusing his position, as he made a move on you when you were alone in his office getting feedback for an essay. The confusion you feel is very familiar to what I went through. I didn't know the man I was involved with was married at the time, but after I found out I had conflicting feelings of wanting to end it but still wanting him. From my experience, its not worth being the 'bit on the side'. It hurts when it ends - and it will inevitably end because these men are married and want to have their cake and eat it. Take care, maybe try and get out now before it gets worse.
    Thank you for the advice. As I said before I don't want to be involved with him because he's married - I'd never want to do that. But he's not someone I can avoid - he's the course leader and is one of the lecturers for all the compulsory modules throughout the 3 years and he's my personal tutor. I can't change personal tutors without letting the dean know why, and because I don't want him to lose his job, I'm not going to tell him what happened. Also, out of all the lecturers there, he's the one I get on with the most, so I don't really want to change personal tutors. However much I want him, I know that I can't be alone in a room with him because I don't think I'll be strong enough to walk away if it happened again

    When I saw him today, I walked out the lecture hall as soon as the lecture had finished just so I didn't have to talk to him. I just know I can't avoid him forever and there may be a time when I'm alone in a room with him. Believe me, I don't want to be in this situation.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ranbow99)
    You don't have to be. My advice would be end it now, even if you want to be with him badly, the chances are you'll get hurt in the end, and it will always be a secret relationship. How old is he?
    You said you don't want to be the one breaking up the marriage, and if you do you'll feel so guilty about it. You know he is unfaithful anyway because he's cheated on you, so you'll never really be able to trust him.

    I know this is going to sound harsh, but who do you think he'd choose in the long run? One of his students he once kissed out of lust, or his wife who he's known for years (probably) and fallen in love with? He may even have children, I don't know.

    Anyway, whatever you do good luck x PM me if you want to chat
    It was just a one-off so I'm not sure anything really started, if that makes sense? He hasn't mentioned it since (although I haven't really given him a chance to).
    He's in his 40s, which I know is fairly old but I've never made an issue of age before, so it didn't really figure into this before.

    I know he'd never choose me over his wife, and he does have kids, which just adds to why I really don't want to get involved with him.

    I'm not sure whether he'd do something like that again though or whether it was just a one-time mistake for him.

    How can I get over him if I see him at least once a week?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for the advice. As I said before I don't want to be involved with him because he's married - I'd never want to do that. But he's not someone I can avoid - he's the course leader and is one of the lecturers for all the compulsory modules throughout the 3 years and he's my personal tutor. I can't change personal tutors without letting the dean know why, and because I don't want him to lose his job, I'm not going to tell him what happened. Also, out of all the lecturers there, he's the one I get on with the most, so I don't really want to change personal tutors. However much I want him, I know that I can't be alone in a room with him because I don't think I'll be strong enough to walk away if it happened again

    When I saw him today, I walked out the lecture hall as soon as the lecture had finished just so I didn't have to talk to him. I just know I can't avoid him forever and there may be a time when I'm alone in a room with him. Believe me, I don't want to be in this situation.
    I know it's not your fault what happened, I think he's kind of taken advantage of his position as he made the first move and he's a lot older than you so he knows what he was doing. As people said earlier, he might have even done it before with someone else. It's going to be difficult if you can't be alone in a room with him though. Presumably you're going to have to be in his office alone again if he's going to be your tutor for the next few years :/ sounds like such a difficult situation.

    I know you said you don't want to, but if it gets too awkward you could maybe ask to change tutors and just say it's because of personal differences - I've had friends who have done that because they don't get on with their tutor and its not been questioned. Or you could talk to him about it and explain that you like him as a tutor but make it clear that's how you want your relationship to remain. Say you don't think what happened was appropriate and you'd like to draw a line under it. I hope things work out for you
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 5, 2010
Poll
Do you like carrot cake?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.