Look, wanderer you're 17. I'm 23. We're bound to have totally different views on this anyway. Not that your opinion isn't worth less than mine: the fatalistic and blasé view that a lot of older people take isn't necessarily better. However, in my case, I probably take on a slightly different stance, that I like to be slightly more optimistic.
I don't think I've denied any view in particular. I might have criticised quite strongly a claim that went something along the lines "It's alright to decide to sleep with a lot of people. It's alright to sleep as soon as possible with someone because in some cases, it turns out alright". I personally find this view the most extreme I've seen in the whole thread. I also find views such as "Your first time will be crap so it doesn't matter who it will be" very extreme and worrying, although that view hasn't been expressed in this thread. There's also the view that going from one casual relationship to the other won't reduce your chances of having a proper, serious relationship in the near future.
Why these views don't get a fierce reaction is a) anyone who has moral beliefs about sex shies away from the debate; b) these are views that reassure a lot of people. It allows everyone to be easy on themselves.
If someone told me that to succeed at my A-levels, it doesn't matter if I **** about during the whole of high-school, I'd rather hear that than someone stress me out about the fact that I might need to work hard to get a solid basis.
(Original post by wanderer)
Because, of course, your personal experience applies to everyone. Again you're looking at one end of a spectrum. If you were just saying 'don't expect to just shag anyone and have no negative emotional consequences, its not that simple,' I'd agree completely. But that doesn't lead straight to the attitude that says the only reasonable way of doing things is to take a highly conservative attitude to sex, with the whole 'special someone' thing. I also find the implication that people who do take that attitude are doing something special that makes them superior to others offensive.
I'm glad that you actually get my point and summed it up quite well in "Don't expect to just shag anyone and have no negative emotional consequences". That really is the main point I was trying to get across.
However, of course my view is based on personal experience! Everyone's is. Anyone who isn't talking from personal experience (by personal, I don't necessarily mean your own), doesn't know what they're talking about. The view that people take on this, will be determined completely by their past: have a look at the thread and note that a lot of people who have agreed with the idea that "sleeping around has no consequences and the day you decide you want a serious relationship, it'll be easy!" are those for whom, the idea is very reassuring because of their past.
The "special someone" thing is not a conservative attitude. I used that expression instead of using soppy words like "love" that most people when they're 17 or 18, claim they're not looking for. "Special someone" just meant someone who you have strong feelings for and with whom you have a serious relationship with. It's hardly conservative.
I think my view has been excessively misinterpreted by a few, because people are only used to black and white views (anyone who thinks that my views are black and white are truly mistaken): you either hear people tell you about the joys of casual sex and others that tell you "No sex before marriage". So as soon as I claim that not being very careful with whom you sleep with is a bad idea, some people start thinking I've taken on a conservative view, that I must be on the side of those who believe in "No sex before marriage". Again, to those who say the debate shouldn't be black and white, practice what you preach.
Excuse me? What's the world coming to if that's a conservative view?
If I were to summarize my views:
- You don't necessarily have to wait a long time to sleep with a new partner
- "no sex before marriage" is not one of my views. Although I respect people who apply this idea, it really isn't compatible with my way of seeing things
- I believe that casual sex, sleeping around or not being careful with whom you sleep with, affects your chances of finding someone to get into a serious relationship later on. You don't switch from casual relationships to a serious relationship that easily.
- Young people (let's say 16/17 and under)'s judgement when it comes to these things is not as good as adults. That's why they should be more careful than adults, not the other way around.
- Your first time doesn't have to be crap and with some randomer.
- Sometimes people will just want you for sex because you're not attractive/interesting enough for them to want to go out with you. The majority of the time When someone says "I'm not ready for a relationship", that's actually what it means.
- You should never feel like you have to sleep with someone getting impatient, to be accepted. That's not being sexually repressed. In the long run, a person who is picky about who he/she sleeps with, will be more pursued.
- Having lots of partners (mostly casual, although a lot of people have casual boyfriends/girlfriends) and your sexual past might affect a future partner. It doesn't mean they will dump you, that's unlikely but it's likely it will affect the way they see you. To not accept that, is immature and wishful thinking. In casual relationships, this doesn't matter too much but in a serious relationship, it might.
I hope that clarifies my views. Basically, I think that using your head is very important. If you want to mess around, go ahead but accept that there might be emotional consequences. If you can't accept the consequences, should you be having sex?