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Dont get on with boyfriends parents! watch

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    Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years and basically, I just dont get on with his parents and one of his sisters.

    I think the problem started because my boyfriend was brought up in a very small town, and they were hoping he would go out with a 'local girl' as they put it, which Im not. He is also their only son and treat him like a baby even though he is 23, which pisses me off. They think I have taken him away from them, which I havent.

    I try my best to be nice to them and talk to them, but its always forced. I dont feel comfortable around them. I know for a fact they have been ****ging me off behind my back, they dont like what job I do, the way I dress or what I want to do after Uni. They are very overpowering and I dont agree with a lot of their views- for example they can be very racist and dont care who knows. I feel ashamed of their behaviour. We went to a family wedding recently and their behaviour was disgusting.

    Ive got to the point now where I really couldnt care less, but I havent got the confidence to stand up to them. They are coming to visit us soon at our house, and Im worried I wont be able to control myself if they are being nasty to me in my own home.
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    To be honest your boyfriend should be a man and talk to them, at the very least listen to your problem with them.

    I can appriciate your situation. For interest, what job do you do?
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    My mom was the same with my dads family, my aunt has always resented my mom. Shes ok now though cos she has her own kids, which was the main problem i beleive. My gran can be a bit 2 faced, and definately likes causing rows between my parents.

    Whats your chap say about the whole thing, does he think there being unreasonable. If he does why the hell aint he told his parents to back off. Does he even stick up for you?
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    i think a lot of people don't get on with their bf/gf's parents, so i'm sure you're not alone. look at it this way, if you've been with him for 4 and a half years, nothing they might have said about you behind your back has affected your boyfriend's feelings for you. just don't let it affect you (or at least pretend that you couldn't give a monkey's) - rise above it kind of thing - that way you aren't in direct conflict with them. although, if they are nasty to you in your own home then why not make a couple of comments - or, at least, speak to your bf about the way you feel about them. he might be even more ashamed of their behaviour than you are, considering that they are his family.
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    I work in a counselling centre for women that deals with rape, domestic violence etc. They have made some very narrow minded comments about my work.

    My boyfriend has been really good about the whole thing and has told them that they have no need to be so nasty, but I get the feeling that he's holding back from telling me what they have really been saying. I really dont want this to come between us as I know its not his fault.
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    Part of it is your boyfriends fault, he really shouldn't let his parents treat him like a baby and theres no need for them to have the level of involvement in your relationship/lives that they do. Thats most of the problem.
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    Your boyfriends parents are obviously very dominating and as a result your boyfriend has become a pushover - very common.

    Stand up for what you believe in, they sound very immature so just live life knowing that you are better than them. Dont let them come between you and your boyfriend, no matter what.
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    Your situation sounds totally like how my mum is treated by my dads family. They absolutely hate her for some reason..call her a 'gold digger' which is the biggest load of crap ever [and I've told dads family that at a BBQ last summer]. Urgh, we have little to do with dads family as a result.

    I think their dislike for mum is partially due to the fact that my dad was their only son to get married and bring an outsider into the family. In groups/out groups and all that psychology, perhaps.
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    (Original post by .Em.)
    I work in a counselling centre for women that deals with rape, domestic violence etc. They have made some very narrow minded comments about my work.

    My boyfriend has been really good about the whole thing and has told them that they have no need to be so nasty, but I get the feeling that he's holding back from telling me what they have really been saying. I really dont want this to come between us as I know its not his fault.
    I think this is a very good job; very rewarding, and it shows how much you care, and that you are indeed, a very good person. I don't see how his parents have anything to complain about on this front. How old are you by the way?

    One thing is for sure, his folks aren't treating you right, it seems as though they have no excuse for treating you so disrespectfully, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

    I guess there are two available solutions. The first is to talk to your boyfriend again. Explain how much it really upsets you, and how inadequate and hurt it makes you feel, and that you've become miserable due to his family's sniping. Make sure you convey that it's not his fault, and that you know he's not to blame (so he doesn't become hurt and defensive), but say that it is getting you down. If he loves you (which it seems he does), then he won't want to see you so miserable. Hopefully, he'll have another word with his family, and stand firm this time. However, perhaps if the worst comes to the worst, you might have to give him an ultimatum. Let him know, as I say, that you do not think it is his fault at all, but that you're not sure that you can carry on with the relationship feeling as miserable as you do. Even if you don't mean it, it may stir something in your fella that you're not worth losing, and he may act more precisely.

    The other option is, as much as you may hate it, speak to his folks directly. It's quite common for mothers to act in such a manner. She's scared that her "little boy" is growing up, she fears that you're taking him away, she worries that you might hurt him. Also, she probably feels useless and inadequate right now. Her job, as a mother, was to look after her son. Now, she may feel as though her son does not need her anymore - now he has you. These feelings will be especially heightened as he is her only son. No doubt she feels threatened by you, and even perhaps, jealous.

    As strange as it might seem, perhaps there could be a chance where you could get his mother on her own. You could sit her down, and explain to her as nicely as you can, that you really like her son. That you love him, and you have no intention of hurting him. That you'd love it if you could all get on, especially for her son's sake, and that you're not trying to take him away from his family. Once the mother has this reassurance, she may warm towards you. She probably just feels threatened. Who knows, then you may actually get on for real. And once the mother's cracked, the husband will probably follow. The worst that can happen in this situation, is that the 'chat' fails, in which case you'll be no worse off.

    As for the sister, it's probably the same scenario. Except it's her brother she fears she's losing, and once again, she might feel jealous of the time he now spends with you as opposed to her. Try and talk to her too.

    Good Luck. How old is the sister by the way? Older/Younger?
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    The sister is a bit older, shes about 32 and has lived with her parents for most of her life.

    The thing that annoys me most is that they are very narrow minded, and dont have much experience in life, yet they still like to preach to us. For example, they have lived in the same town for all their lives, have never been abroad, been in the same jobs since they left school, dont have many friends, which is okay for them, but not for me and my boyfriend as we both have our own ambitions. I feel as though they want us to live the old fashioned life that they have, which is not what I want.

    I just dont like the way they make me feel, they honestly make me feel that I am good for nothing, and I shouldnt be put in that position. I am dreading when they come to our house because I know they will be critisicing everything (eg the decorating we've done, the area we live etc), and I cant handle it.

    Think I am just going to have to tell my boyfriend that they seriously need to back off and start being a bit nicer, otherwise I am not willing to have them in OUR house.

    Thanks everyone for your help.
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    Threads like this really frustrate me, because you have a problem with something that really shouldn't be a problem.

    I'll say it again, your boyfriend IS a big part of the problem, if hes a single child like you say he is, that goes part of the way to explaining things, all of the people I know who are single children are just complete pushovers and hold their parents thoughts of them and other people far too highly in their regard.
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    (Original post by imasillynarb)
    Threads like this really frustrate me, because you have a problem with something that really shouldn't be a problem.

    I'll say it again, your boyfriend IS a big part of the problem, if hes a single child like you say he is, that goes part of the way to explaining things, all of the people I know who are single children are just complete pushovers and hold their parents thoughts of them and other people far too highly in their regard.
    Erm, he's not a single child. She's said about a million times he has a sister, and I think he has more than one sister. And even if he was an only child, what, you're saying that it's his fault his parents didn't have more children? Hardly. And I have siblings, before it comes across that I'm being all defensive.

    The point is, it's not the boyfriend's fault his parents are behaving like tits. I'm sure he too thinks they are acting unreasonably, but would you just completely abandon your parents no matter how much you disagreed with them? I think not.

    The boyfriend is not the one with the problem, the parents are.
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    Next time they try to insult you or your work, just say with a smile "well, I disagree" and tell them why, in a totally polite voice and smiling at the same time. Your job sounds fabulous and it's something a lot of women need.

    If they say something in your house, perhaps reply with "I don't think what you're saying is appropriate considering you are a guest in my house".
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    (Original post by zhivago)
    Erm, he's not a single child. She's said about a million times he has a sister, and I think he has more than one sister. And even if he was an only child, what, you're saying that it's his fault his parents didn't have more children? Hardly. And I have siblings, before it comes across that I'm being all defensive.

    The point is, it's not the boyfriend's fault his parents are behaving like tits. I'm sure he too thinks they are acting unreasonably, but would you just completely abandon your parents no matter how much you disagreed with them? I think not.

    The boyfriend is not the one with the problem, the parents are.
    At the end of the day, he shouldn't be letting HIS parents treat HIS girlfriend like they are, I know I would never let my parents do it, so hes just as much at fault as they are.
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    there probabily religious nut cases. They probabily think women should stay with their partners even if they rape them/ use them as punch bag. Its not uncommon especially in very old fashion familys. that is the only real reason i could think of anyone objecting to your job. I think people who work in your line of work deserve a medal.
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    That's really awful they insult your work when it seems like such a fantastic thing to be doing, helping people that really need it. They have no right to be rude about you like that.

    It's probably going to be difficult talking to your boyfriend about it because, after all, they are his parents and I guess it's difficult to broach. Try if you can but be secure in yourself and in the knowledge that they're in the wrong and being narrow minded and ridiculous...and at the end of the day it's not your fault or your problem.
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    (Original post by imasillynarb)
    At the end of the day, he shouldn't be letting HIS parents treat HIS girlfriend like they are, I know I would never let my parents do it, so hes just as much at fault as they are.

    Hm, you are redeemed because you are of good boyfriend material. It's nice that you would defend your girlfriend in that manner.
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    People eventually die, sad fact.
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    (Original post by adamu)
    To be honest your boyfriend should be a man and talk to them, at the very least listen to your problem with them.

    I can appriciate your situation. For interest, what job do you do?
    Didn't you start the anti-man society?
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    Agree with imasilly....

    No offence but your boyfriend sound like a complete p***y. It thankfully wouldn't ever happen, but hypothetically if my mum were to speak to a bird i bought home like that i wouldn't have it, there are times when being polite simply won't do and you have to set people straight, this is one of those times for him.

    I understand why they treat him like a child if he's 23 and can't stand up to his own parents. In his position i would say it's both of us in good manners, or neither of us.
 
 
 
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