1st Love Encounters?

Ive been with my g/f for 8 months now.
The relationship has been great at times with the obvious bad times as well.

Recently she wasn’t talking to me properly, and today she told me why.
Couple of days back she met her 1st b/f. She said they had a talk for around 10mins.
This 1st Love of hers, she really was in love with him and wanted to spend her whole life with. This was when she was 14 and the relationship lasted for over 1 year. She is now 18.

She said how he explained how he cheated on her and why he did it. She said she found it very hard to talk to him, as she still had slight feelings for him. Then she said she felt like crying at the time and just seeing him made her realise she missed him (3 years on).

She said she still Loves me. I said fair enough but if you still have feelings for him then how do I know you might not develop them into something more as time unfolds.

She assured me that She loves me and wants to spend her life with me.
Upon saying this, I told her straight up that you have never given me the same love that you did with your 1st and your scared still of being Hurt.

She agreed she still finds it hard to give her self away fully and ive given her all the love she wanted in her life.

The reason she told me about her encounter, was she thought she could deal with it but she couldn’t and then she started feeling guilty.

What should I do in this situation?
I don’t want to risk my life with some 1 who is not 100% with me?

Reply 1

Helenia

You're both still young. I doubt that you'll end up spending the rest of your life with each other (though some do, but most people grow and change and aren't with the people they are with at 18 in the end).

So she's been out with someone else and still has some old feelings for them? Everyone has a history. She says she loves you now, and there's nothing you can do to change the past. And she did only talk to him - feelings may have come back a bit, but she didn't act on them.

I really don't think you're "risking your life" by being with her - just enjoy the relationship, maybe on a slightly less intense level.

Reply 2

unfinished sympathy

it's difficult for you because you can't control what she feels, but you must respect her wishes and let her find her own path! this means releasing her if she so wishes. but this works both ways, do you want to stop going out with her because you're uncertain? if you love her, you'll love her through the bad times. when you have been hurt, you can never really trust someone else wholly again, a part of your soul is chipped off, you must remember this- as she will never be 100% with you, no-one can be no matter how much they love thir partner. if you love her the situation should be meaningless, she is till with you, not with him, he **** on her, you have'nt **** on her- there is the difference

Reply 3

tillgii

Ive just spoken to her and told her about 2nd best issue. She said she loves me and that wont change, and yeah she did have some feelings but she would never accept him back as because what he did to her, the hate is much stronger then the slight feelings.

She sai ddo you think I wud of told you if I wanted him back.
She did try and reassure me and I did say to her regarding her not always going to be 100% with me.
She goes thats just me now, its very hard.

Yeah its true I guess, I really do Love her and she feels the same about me.
So we will just see what the future holds.

Reply 4

Trousers

The fact is, and I'm sure many people will back me up here, your first love is different from any other. Most people enter into their first relationship recklessly, with no thought of getting hurt - this makes it more comfortable and intense than any other love afterwards.

This is especially true if your first love cheats on you - when you start your first proper relationship there's no reason not to trust the person 100 percent, so if he cheats on you, that's a huge blow. How can you ever trust anyone again? That relationship affects every single romantic encounter for the whole of the rest of your life, in one way or another.

Don't give your girlfriend a hard time. She's been honest with you, which is great - don't give her the impression that this was the wrong thing to do. Although she finds it hard to trust you, this isn't because of the way you behave - it's all wrapped up with her previous relationship. If she was really hurt, the fact that she's got this far in trusting someone else is really good.

If it's not too weird for you, try getting her to talk about how she felt when she split up with him. Try getting her to vocalise all her feelings about how much of a bastard he was - this will help her, and will give you a bit more information abut why she's the way she is.

I think the main issue is the way you deal with the situation. You could easily let it bother you too much, accuse her of wanting to be with him, and get insanely jealous, until she doesn't want to be with you any more. If you can try to get your head around it and talk it through, you will come out the other side with a mature relationship to be proud of.

Reply 5

ciara

I can understand that, and I agree with everyone else who has said it's great that she has shared it all with you - it suggests she doesn't have a guilty conscience, she trusts you, she's thought about it and still believes you're the one for her.

I think everyone to a certain extent still has feelings for people they have loved - this is particularly the case with a first love, because of the intensity of it all. I guess it's kinda true with my first boyfriend as well..despite not loving him I can't seem to help caring about him. I really should stop because it's clear that he wants nothing to do with me, but you can't ever drop those strong feelings completely. I don't think that takes away from what she feels for you, especially as she's had the sense to tell you why she was a bit off with you for a bit.

In a way it's an advantage. After your 'first love' you are a lot wiser, and it gives you something to compare future relationships to. I don't know about your girlfriend but I can see my current relationship is 100 times better than my first love. I feel as though my feelings will only get stronger with every relationship I have, rather than them all being 2nd best to my first love, cos I, like most girls I think, wouldn't settle for 2nd best.

You seem to have an honest and mature girlfriend, and to me it seems that you have nothing to worry about. As someone else said, if you can get your head around this and remain unthreatened you will have a very strong relationship, one to be proud of.
Cxx

Reply 6

anjimcflanji

is she your 1st love??

not speaking for anyone else but the first guy i fell for, i will always have a weakness for which isnt good as he does know it, but my friends have said the same that 1sts always have a tiny part of your heart even if they break it. so really unless you can deal with this you need to find yourself a girl who is completely emotionally stable and has never loved another guy.

Reply 7

xlouisedoll

^ Ditto. I had unrequited love for someone who lived by me for 3 years. He's moved away now, but he moved to the 6th form at my school last year (I've just left year 11) and I still have a total soft spot for him, even though I'm totally besotted with my current boyfriend who I've been with for nearly 2 years. Its definately true that everyone will always have a weakness for their first love.

Reply 8

SamTheMan

She sounds a bit naive and innocent with her emotions. If I were you, don't take what she says so seriously. A lot of girls exaggerate their feelings: they have a tendency of saying "I love you" very easily and using big words because they love that feeling of security that being in a serious, loving relationship brings. It's almost as if they're reassuring themselves.

Don't worry, in the future, you might have the other problem. Older girls, who've been cheated on so many times, who've lost all trust in the male race, are so blasé that it's depressing.

Another joyful post from the Grinch of Love :smile: