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Relationship Dilemma
I've got a problem and a big decision to make. 
I've met a lovely guy who makes me laugh, is really interesting, makes me feel special, and also there's something about him I can't quite put my finger on, but he's not like any other fella I've ever fancied (in a good way) - he's just amazing!
I met him through a family friend, and we got on like a house on fire. The only problem was that my mum was around whenever we got together for a chat, as I usually saw him either at the pub (where I work and my mum drinks) or at my friends house (who my mum is also frinds with, so if we all go back for a drink, she'll be there), and my mum doesn't like him. She says if we got together that he'd be a bad influence on me and all the other stuff that over protective mothers say to warn their daughters off impending males.
Anyway, we'd been chatting and getting to know one another (and flirting) for a few weeks, and one night we were talking and joking and he just put his arm around me and kissed me. That was it then, I was absolutely smitten. We'd sneak off where my mum couldn't see us for a kiss and a cuddle or whatever and I couldn't keep my hands off him, I was really falling for him. (Sounds silly a girl my age having to sneak around behind my mum's back but she is the most over protective person you could ever meet, there was no way she'd let anything happen between the two of us).
Last week, however, my mum kinda twigged onto what was happening (coincidentally the same night we were talking about telling her and getting that over with so we weren't sneaking around) and confronted me. I told her I liked him, and we'd copped off a few times, nothing serious. She was absolutely gobsmacked!!! She never in a million years expected me to 1) go against everything she had told me about staying away from him and 2) that I'd actually do anything with him-I think she thinks he's some kind of monster or something. She didn't talk to me for days afterwards!
Anyway, we were having a chat the other night and he went really serious on me. He basically told me that his ex is a psycho, and because he has a kid to her, and his son lives with his ex, his ex basically had the power to stop him from seeing him. His ex had threatened to take his kid away from if if he had a relationship with anyone, as she is trying to get back with him (although he wouldn't go back to her in a million years), and is a very jealous/wierd/protective person. His kid means the world to him, and so obviously would choose him over me or any other girl. He told me that he really really liked me, but nothing could ever happen between us relationship-wise. Although he did give me the option that we could be "friends that get together sometimes for fun".
I really like him, and don't want to loose him, although I don't think I could ever just be his shag piece, especially knowing that we can never have a relationship. If I did be his "special friend" or whatever, I know I'm going to end up falling for him good and proper, and I can't do this. Also, if his ex ever suspected anything, he'd have to cool it off and keep away until the dust settles, and I don't think I could take being ditched like that. Practically speaking, staying away from him would work best, although I know we'll bump into each other alot, and so I can't totally block him out of my life and try to forget about him. I'm really smitten and don't know what to do for the best. The worst part is, I know he really likes me too, so it's not like I'm going for someone whose not interested.
I'm meant to be deciding what to do, and I really don't know
I know I'll probably bump into him later on in the week, even if I don't want to, and I can't decide anything about the situation. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, they will all be welcome, sorry for the very lenghtly post!!!
Thanks
I've met a lovely guy who makes me laugh, is really interesting, makes me feel special, and also there's something about him I can't quite put my finger on, but he's not like any other fella I've ever fancied (in a good way) - he's just amazing!
I met him through a family friend, and we got on like a house on fire. The only problem was that my mum was around whenever we got together for a chat, as I usually saw him either at the pub (where I work and my mum drinks) or at my friends house (who my mum is also frinds with, so if we all go back for a drink, she'll be there), and my mum doesn't like him. She says if we got together that he'd be a bad influence on me and all the other stuff that over protective mothers say to warn their daughters off impending males.
Anyway, we'd been chatting and getting to know one another (and flirting) for a few weeks, and one night we were talking and joking and he just put his arm around me and kissed me. That was it then, I was absolutely smitten. We'd sneak off where my mum couldn't see us for a kiss and a cuddle or whatever and I couldn't keep my hands off him, I was really falling for him. (Sounds silly a girl my age having to sneak around behind my mum's back but she is the most over protective person you could ever meet, there was no way she'd let anything happen between the two of us).
Last week, however, my mum kinda twigged onto what was happening (coincidentally the same night we were talking about telling her and getting that over with so we weren't sneaking around) and confronted me. I told her I liked him, and we'd copped off a few times, nothing serious. She was absolutely gobsmacked!!! She never in a million years expected me to 1) go against everything she had told me about staying away from him and 2) that I'd actually do anything with him-I think she thinks he's some kind of monster or something. She didn't talk to me for days afterwards!
Anyway, we were having a chat the other night and he went really serious on me. He basically told me that his ex is a psycho, and because he has a kid to her, and his son lives with his ex, his ex basically had the power to stop him from seeing him. His ex had threatened to take his kid away from if if he had a relationship with anyone, as she is trying to get back with him (although he wouldn't go back to her in a million years), and is a very jealous/wierd/protective person. His kid means the world to him, and so obviously would choose him over me or any other girl. He told me that he really really liked me, but nothing could ever happen between us relationship-wise. Although he did give me the option that we could be "friends that get together sometimes for fun".
I really like him, and don't want to loose him, although I don't think I could ever just be his shag piece, especially knowing that we can never have a relationship. If I did be his "special friend" or whatever, I know I'm going to end up falling for him good and proper, and I can't do this. Also, if his ex ever suspected anything, he'd have to cool it off and keep away until the dust settles, and I don't think I could take being ditched like that. Practically speaking, staying away from him would work best, although I know we'll bump into each other alot, and so I can't totally block him out of my life and try to forget about him. I'm really smitten and don't know what to do for the best. The worst part is, I know he really likes me too, so it's not like I'm going for someone whose not interested.
I'm meant to be deciding what to do, and I really don't know
I know I'll probably bump into him later on in the week, even if I don't want to, and I can't decide anything about the situation. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, they will all be welcome, sorry for the very lenghtly post!!!Thanks
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Silly Wench
Although he did give me the option that we could be "friends that get together sometimes for fun".
Although he did give me the option that we could be "friends that get together sometimes for fun".
Ok, first thing wrong with a guy saying this: he's not the type to have a dedicated, committed relationship. Secondly, even though he likes you, he does not like you enough to take risks or actually try to hide this relationship in order to keep seeing his child. How would his ex find out? Is she omniscient?
Also, what kind of self-respecting guy who respects females would let them be a sex slave? (Not to mention I assume he's quite young and he already has a child???--third thing wrong with this; major problem)
He doesn't sound worthwhile and your mother is probably right.
You'll find someone else to like; what this guy says and does seem very shady to me. Forget him; this isn't love, it's an infatuation and those die quickly.
Reply 2
SlyPie
(Not to mention I assume he's quite young and he already has a child???--third thing wrong with this; major problem)
He's thirty. The kids three years old
Thanks for the input though
Reply 3
As long as his ex doesn't find out I don't see why you shouldn't continue it to see if it works out.
Reply 4
Slypie - good points though.
Reply 5
silent p......?
As long as his ex doesn't find out I don't see why you shouldn't continue it to see if it works out.
I don't think he'd want to risk her finding out and thus loosing his kid over it. He's mates with alot of people that are also mates with her, and word gets around, especially in a small town like mine.
Reply 6
Silly Wench
I don't think he'd want to risk her finding out and thus loosing his kid over it. He's mates with alot of people that are also mates with her, and word gets around, especially in a small town like mine.
Then surely you know the answer is to have him as a friend and nothing more.
Reply 7
I'm kinda swinging that way at the moment, just be friends. I'll have to actively avoid him though, just to give myself some space to get over him, which might be hard.
If the guy isn't interested enough to be with you then fair enough. Why couldn't you have a decent but slightly secretive relationship anyway?
How, by just sleeping with you, is he stopping his ex from ever finding out? Surely she wouldn't be happy about him sleeping with other women, if what he says is true.
This just seems like another case of: he really just can't be bothered making the effort to go out with you and probably doesn't think you're worth it. But he wouldn't mind a little bit of nookie on the side, so he finds an excuse, albeit a rather elaborate one: but still doesn't really explain why having a bit of nookie on the side is ok but not a proper relationship. Any person with half a brain would see the inconsistency there.
Either he wants a relationship with you or not. Don't settle for half measures just because the guy isn't interested enough. You'll end up emotionally attached and badly hurt.
How, by just sleeping with you, is he stopping his ex from ever finding out? Surely she wouldn't be happy about him sleeping with other women, if what he says is true.
This just seems like another case of: he really just can't be bothered making the effort to go out with you and probably doesn't think you're worth it. But he wouldn't mind a little bit of nookie on the side, so he finds an excuse, albeit a rather elaborate one: but still doesn't really explain why having a bit of nookie on the side is ok but not a proper relationship. Any person with half a brain would see the inconsistency there.
Either he wants a relationship with you or not. Don't settle for half measures just because the guy isn't interested enough. You'll end up emotionally attached and badly hurt.
Reply 9
I know it seems like getting over him will be hard, but have faith that it will happen, and when you're with the next guy you're smitten about, you'll look back and it'll feel like a million miles away/happened to someone else. I know from experience!
Reply 10
Im so tempted to make somekind of reference to your username as an answer..
Reply 11
After stripping down everything he's said to it's basic components, I've realised (which is good for me as I usually fall for any old crap - once I rang an ex at his home number, asked if it was ok if I came round and he said not at the moment, I'm at work. I only realised after we'd split up that he couldn't have been at work if I'd have rang his house number duh!). Anyway, basically he has said that he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, but he does want me there for sex. I don't want that. Firstly, I'm not that type of person, some people are ok with only seeing people for sex, but to me it is quite a big thing, and I'd want it to be special, something it won't be in these circumstances. Secondly, knowing me I will become emotionally involved, and since he can't (or won't) do all the realtionship stuff, I'm going to end up getting hurt.
Next time I see him (if I actively avoid him it won't be until Saturday, but theres about a 99% chance I'm going to see him Saturday night whilst I'm at work). I'll tell him that I don't want to see him anymore, we can be frinds, but nothing more. The only thing I've got to do is be strong and don't let myself be drawn back into his way of thinking. Going over everything he's said to me in his head, he has a very good way of wrapping everything up to make it sound alot different and more plausable than it actually is in real life.
Thanks to all for making me see sense
Next time I see him (if I actively avoid him it won't be until Saturday, but theres about a 99% chance I'm going to see him Saturday night whilst I'm at work). I'll tell him that I don't want to see him anymore, we can be frinds, but nothing more. The only thing I've got to do is be strong and don't let myself be drawn back into his way of thinking. Going over everything he's said to me in his head, he has a very good way of wrapping everything up to make it sound alot different and more plausable than it actually is in real life.
Thanks to all for making me see sense
Reply 12
adamu
Im so tempted to make somekind of reference to your username as an answer..
lol! I honestly didn't know wench could mean wanton woman or prostitute or whatever expression you'd like to use as well as what I thought it meant!!!
Me being so over protected I thought it meant young girl-and that's the god forsaken truth! Only recently I was told what else it can mean.
Also, looking on dictionary.com it can mean:
A young women or girl; especially peasant girl
A female servant
A wanton woman
How stupid do I feel now!?! I've led a very sheltered life.
lessthanthree
It's fishy, because he says if you had a relationship and his ex found out, then she'd go off it.
BUT. it's okay to just have "fun" occasionally?
Nuh uh - a mother would want her son to visit his father within a stable home, rather than one where you came over occasionally for what's basically a euphemism for sex.
It's a totally bum excuse not to have a proper relationship in favour of no strings sex, in my opinion.
BUT. it's okay to just have "fun" occasionally?
Nuh uh - a mother would want her son to visit his father within a stable home, rather than one where you came over occasionally for what's basically a euphemism for sex.
It's a totally bum excuse not to have a proper relationship in favour of no strings sex, in my opinion.
lessthanthree, that's exactly what I noticed... there's something very fishy there. And Silly Wench, don't feel bad about falling for his crap. We're only human. I fell for so many lies this girl I was in love with, told me. The trouble is things like love, infatuation and attraction just blind you. Looking back, I can't believe how gullible I was... it almost defies belief. Sometimes you believe things because you want to. It's more reassuring to do so.
Silly Wench
lol! I honestly didn't know wench could mean wanton woman or prostitute or whatever expression you'd like to use as well as what I thought it meant!!!
Me being so over protected I thought it meant young girl-and that's the god forsaken truth! Only recently I was told what else it can mean.
Also, looking on dictionary.com it can mean:
A young women or girl; especially peasant girl
A female servant
A wanton woman
How stupid do I feel now!?! I've led a very sheltered life.
Me being so over protected I thought it meant young girl-and that's the god forsaken truth! Only recently I was told what else it can mean.
Also, looking on dictionary.com it can mean:
A young women or girl; especially peasant girl
A female servant
A wanton woman
How stupid do I feel now!?! I've led a very sheltered life.
Didn't you also know that in the British territory of Bermuda, they proceed to the "Dunking of the Wench" 3 times a day? It's quite a touristic attraction.
The things you learn in FHM are amazing
I know someone in a similar situation. Basically his ex doesn't want him any more but she sure as hell doesn't want anyone else having him so she makes his life hell if she gets so much of a sniff that hes seeing anyone new and stops his access to the kids hes been to court about it but it does no good. Anyway onto your guy I don't think he is necessarily a bad guy or this is crap but I think hes at a stage in his life where theres no way that hes going to risk his kid for a relationship with you. Hes given you your options straight and its up to you, but its pretty clear to me that you are smitten and want more than he can give you so I'd get out now before you get hurt more and find someone who hasn't got tons and tons of emotional baggage.
Reply 16
SamTheMan
Didn't you also know that in the British territory of Bermuda, they proceed to the "Dunking of the Wench" 3 times a day? It's quite a touristic attraction.
The things you learn in FHM are amazing
The things you learn in FHM are amazing
What happens in the "dunking of the Wench"? I've never heard of it (or read fhm for that matter).
Reply 17
viviki
I know someone in a similar situation. Basically his ex doesn't want him any more but she sure as hell doesn't want anyone else having him so she makes his life hell if she gets so much of a sniff that hes seeing anyone new and stops his access to the kids hes been to court about it but it does no good. Anyway onto your guy I don't think he is necessarily a bad guy or this is crap but I think hes at a stage in his life where theres no way that hes going to risk his kid for a relationship with you. Hes given you your options straight and its up to you, but its pretty clear to me that you are smitten and want more than he can give you so I'd get out now before you get hurt more and find someone who hasn't got tons and tons of emotional baggage.
Thankyou for the post. You seem to understand what's going on. He does seem a very genuine guy, and even my mum has said so and she hates him (although she doesn't know about the no strings sex thing), but he is having problems and wants the best of both worlds, which is very difficult for him to make sense of. In a way I'm glad he's laid everything out to me now, before I get too much involved, but also I'm disappointed that he's led me on when he knows his ex won't let him have a relationship. I can understand where he's coming from with the "friends that have fun" thing that he's come up with. I now he likes me and wants to be with me but he can't. Being in a realtionship with someone would probably very quickly get round to his ex, so his solution allows me to be with him, but still lets him see his son. Also, whover said before about being in a stable home for when his son comes to see him and if I was randomly there, it wouldn't be very stable, simply I wouldn't be there when his son is there.
Even if I was happy about no strings sex it wouldn't work out, not in a million years, so I think I'm best off just ending it now. It'll save alo of hurt in the long run.
Definitely. Casual things only work when both people are genuinely casual. Invariably if one person is more emotionally involved it goes further than it should and then both parties end up getting hurt.
At some point hes going to need to stand up to his ex but i imagine hes going to be reluctant to do that until hes sure that he has met miss right and I'm presuming theres prob too much of an age and lifestyle gap between the two of you for it to be the right time for him.
At some point hes going to need to stand up to his ex but i imagine hes going to be reluctant to do that until hes sure that he has met miss right and I'm presuming theres prob too much of an age and lifestyle gap between the two of you for it to be the right time for him.
Reply 19
Buy yourself a bottle of vodka and let it do the solving.
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