cba with any of this anymore

Well its pretty much that I actually can't be bothered with life any more.. not life as such, but I just dont look forward to college, enjoy it, anything, just sit there so bored, and I dislike all my courses.

I come home and sit at my computer, I really feel like I should have another hobby, but I just don't. I hate going to bed and waking up thinking of the weeks ahead. I look forwards to the weekend, but come saturday morning, I look forward to monday, simply to get back to actually doing something instead of sitting on my computer.
I genuinely dont watch any TV, cant really stand it, I live in a rural village, and I cant really go anywhere that easily. I live with my mum and dad, and have 3 sisters who all live away from home at uni or at work. I am male.

I dream about just dropping everything, saying screw this, and just exploring the world, convincing myself that it'd work, I would find work here, I could just do this.. but deep down I know its a dumb idea.

I got rejected for an apprenticeship even though I am overqualified. that didnt help things. Of course, the chances were low, but still.

I did well in gcses, maybe not as well as I could have, but that didnt bother me. I now go to a college where my "friends" arent real friends, I speak to them, I laugh with them, but I rarely get invited out any more, and I just dont feel like one of them

I know I dont want to go to uni, I was considering the armed forces but I just dont know if I could handle the regime.

the thing is that I dont have that much money, not cos family is poor or anything, but I dont have a job, of course, and I get £30 a month from my parents. It makes me feel physically sick when I see people who get £30 a week from a small joke called EMA, and even worse, when they spend it on FOOD. I dont have that nice clothes and that, and anything I do wear I usually get looked at a bit odd by my "friends" cos I like outdoor brands, as I like walking and have this dream to go exploring, so I buy stuff like helly hansen, karrimor, north face, berghaus, and I just see the smile as they catch each others eyes and it makes me wanna cry

I only do three courses at college because there literally was not 4 I actually liked at all. I go to a different college from the majority, because these "friends" went there (I tell people its cos the teaching was better but I know the truth and it makes me feel like an idiot tbh)

I havent really discussed this with anyone before, I feel down quite a lot about it all, and I know in relation to other peoples problems this is tiny but I just dont enjoy life, and dont see how I am ever going to.

I honestly dont know where people get their money from to go out all the time drinking, buy all this designer clothes, buy a car, buy insurance for the car... and my parents pay for my sisters to go to uni, say what about £5000 year at least when you include accomodation, x 3 per person, £15k, x 3 for 3 sisters, £45k... etc... it all adds up. If I dont go to uni I dont see that I will ever see this money, and it doesnt annoy me at all, in fact I dont see why im even mentioning it, but it bothers me when people look at me and think I am poor or something because I dont wear bloody "superdry" and "fitch" and "jack wills", no, actually, its cos I dont spend my money on ****. If youve read this far well done but I dont think I am done yet :frown:

reason I put this in personal health is because really it is my mental health... It cant be good feeling like this all the time.

I hope you know what I mean, you have to have something to look forwards too, whether it be a holiday in the summer, a job, college, friends, partying, you know, but for me, there is nothing. I have none of these feelings, and it makes me annoyed

its not like I want more money, no, I dont, because I dont really spend my money, because I would rather wait and get something which is actually going to help me. I dont want a car, whats the point - Its not like I have any friends to dry around, and IMO the cost:benefits ratio is about 100:1.

after I finish college, if I manage too, because at the moment I just cant be bothered, what am I going to do? I dont want Uni, I wont be able to find work, I will be living at home... it just depresses me, all these people have this stuff lined up, and for me its just, no.

i think I am maybe being overly harsh on the friends thing, I do have friends, some of them are great, but there isnt really one now who I could properly confide in, and nor would I. I just wouldnt feel comfortable

I dont even know what I want people to say, its not like I have asked any questions, just rambled about my life for thousands of words, and its not your problem but surely other people must feel the same... I ask myself every day "why am I here?" - I want to know the reason for us being on this planet. In my opinion, its to get out there and have fun, but at the moment it just aint happening

And I mentioned about me spending too much time on the computer, this is true, but its not like I dont have other hobbies. Most people have 1 or 2 hobbies, I dont, I have like 10, and its STUPID. like, I like mountain biking, but I have a rubbish bike, and its not cos I have no money, its cos I also have a crap computer (I also like gaming, apparently), I have a radio controlled car, I have a wheel for my computer, I have a yoke for a flight simulator on my computer, I have all of these things and so much more, and the reason I cant do one hobby is because I dont have the money to spend on it because I have so many other things I like... and people say I should get a hobby, yeah, I should, but I cant maintain all these hobbies. It probably makes no sense to you but I just dont know how to explain it, I feel like I am wasting my time every second I spend on this computer, except I am on it every day, all day, when not at college, and I hate it. For me, I cant imagine doing anything else, what else is there? truly, I just dont know

as I said earlier, dont know what I want you to say, so maybe just dont say anything, its going to feel better letting it out anyway

I suppose the question really is "what is the meaning of life?" but thats way too vague, so I should ask "what should I do with my life, when everything I do I hate?"

thanks so much if you read all of that, it feels better