Plz give me feedback to my pers. statement for Economics (to add: i am from GER)

Well however.... topic is Economics
as I said- would be nice if anybody would give me some feedback whether it is good or not...
little info to add i am from germany hehe

There it is:
"Pick up any quality newspaper today and it becomes obvious that many headlines relate to stories about economic problems and trends. In my home town of Frankfurt the economy is in particular a regular newsworthy story.
This is where my interest lies and I have therefore chosen to apply for courses that include the possibility of exploring international or global economics. Some of these courses present the opportunity to study the connection between economics and politics or economics and business. Options which would enable me to choose a career in either the public or private sector upon my graduation. I have been brought up in household with two very politically aware parents, where debate has always been encouraged. As a result I am eager to have the opportunity to debate current economic issues, in order that I can show my experiences and build upon my knowledge.
My specific area of interest lies in the behaviour of international corporations and countries in the economic world. In undertaking a degree in economics I hope to gain understanding of global economic systems and how they effect and are affected by trends in business and trade.
Both my work placements have given me an insight into business relations. In particular my placement with Aventis enabled me to experience a global company. I had the opportunity to work in top laboratories and to work with research statistics. Apart from this I also liked the teamwork and networking within departments, especially with other work placement candidates.
I am trinational (Irish, German and British) and will therefore have a different angel to every aspect of a course. I believe I would add to the cultural diversity at the university. I am choosing to study in the UK, because I would like to experience the multicultural mixture (of students) a UK university can offer in particular this subject. Due to my family tie, I have close links to the UK and feel confident that I will settle in quickly. I have been visiting my realtives in London, Manchester and Edinburgh on a regular yearly basis. My last vacation job was in London, where I got a glimpse of living and working in the UK for 1 month. I enjoyed myself and in particular being behind the ar made me confident in communicating with different people. I also developed basic customer service skills and usable to handle cash, therefore being in a position of trust.
Having been a student representative for my year further helped me develop my sense of responsibility. I was liaising with students and teachers.
To study in the UK would give me a greater opportunity to gain employment in the UK or in an international environment. That is where I see myself in 4-5 years time, I have chosen this particular subject as it will give me a foundation for my future career plans in either the private or the public sector, e.g. banking, government or European Commission.
I currently play high-level amateur hockey at county level. Having received a scholarship by the local government (for young sports talents) allowed me to concentrate on my development in school and on the playing field.
My other interests include computing and music. My IT skills will support me throughout my studies and I have researched the facilities at the universities. My interest in music varies from Soul, R&B, HipHop, Rock to Seventies and Dance music."

Ta for reading it
so long coco

Reply 1

aliel

You have obviously come across Loftx's website! I recognise parts of his personal statement, it's very good, isn't it!?

Reply 2

Hannah

Sounds good. But "angle" not "angel" , "affect" not "effect" (because its a verb, you've got it right the second time in that sentence), "relative" not "realtive". Good luck anyway im sure youll get a place. Which unis are you applying to?

Reply 3

Coconut.Monkey

Thanks

Well actually I only copied the first sentence from loftx. The other stuff has been written by my head. My sisters helped me a lil bit to give it a better appearance.

And the funny thing is I checked for the mistakes you showed up but I obviously have corrected them earlier on.

Thanks anyway...
coco

oh yeah the univs I am applying to: Bristol, Edinburgh (I love this town), Nottingham, LSE, Warwick, Leeds... yeah that's 'em.

Reply 4

haardti

It's already much too late, and I don't know which of your choices have made you offers, but in my humble opinion some parts of your statement sound more like for a business degree than for economics.

Reply 5

dogtanian

haardti

It's already much too late.

Not if you're applying for 2005 entry.

Reply 6

Wagamuffin

I see a lot of great content, but I really think your personal statement is weakened by some repition. This may seem trivial, but in my opinion it makes it stand out less to a reader, even though it has "the right stuff" in it :smile:

. I recommend fewer "I"s and "My"s and to vary the style a little to make it more enjoyable to read. I am not saying you should write like E.B. White (your entire statment doesn't have to be as rhetorical as the first paragraph for example, although I do not dislike that!), but mix it up a little and it would really stand out.
Also, I am not sure if the pros would recommend this, but when I shall write my personal statement, I will try to relate almost every one of my activities to the course, or to studying at uni in general. It doesn't have to be an amazing explanation for how your IT skills or tastes in music for example would positively affect your study of economics, but anything that gives a hint of your enthusiasm would be of great help (what I think is best is to make the tutor think that while you have a life, it is made complete by the thought of economics :smile:

)

Good Luck! Sorry if I am being critical, these are just a few ideas that come to mind for improving what is already a solid p.s