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I have an extremely strict muslim family - but I don't believe in Islam.

sorry for the long post, really have got a lot on my plate.

My family are extremely strict muslims, completely hardcore. Some of their beliefs are jsut so completely wrong and immoral in my opinion (i'm not saying that islam is wrong or immoral - I don't believe that these particular beliefs have any place in the religion). But i go through everyday of my life pretending i believe the same things, because if i didn't i'd be kicked out and disowned, or beaten or whatever - i have no idea, i just no it would be extremely extremely bad, there's no way they'd ever accept it.

But i don't have the means to leave home and support myself and more importantly, i don't have the courage to do it. I'm starting uni in october, and my parents are working so hard to help finance it since we're not very wealthy. But i don't want them to - i don't want to owe them anything more, i feel so bad about wanting to leave. But they've completely and absolutely controlled my life. I've never had a social life much because i've never been allowed out with friends, I've had to lie jsut to go to the cinema, or even to the park. Most of the friends i do have are distant, and i don't blame them, if i'm never around then i can hardly be a good friend. They don't understand that i can't help it, and that as pathetic as it sounds, they're the only friends i really have.

My muslim friends would completely reject me too - i'd be hated by most of them. I feel like i'm completely stuck leading this life, and i'm so damn miserable. I can't even ask any girls i like out, the most social interaction i've had on my gap year is through facebook, and my parents are constantly screaming and shouting at me, having a complete go at me. They treat me like i'm 5 years old, completely controlling my life, and yet have a go at me for not being mature etc

They've always fought too, and I mean physically as well, which ahs resulted in me completely hating my dad. I once tried to protect my mum - she ended up not talking to me because i showed my dad "disrespect". He's not had a job for years - he runs an islamic bookshop which barely breaks even.

I feel like i'm going crazy. I can't tell anyone this, they either don't understand, think i'm pathetic or would completely hate me for it. I just want to be able to live my own life. They expect me to get married in a few years (i'm 19) and move in and look after them and basically let them carry on dictating my life. I have no intention of doing that - but i can't see any possible way to break free of them, and it's incredibly difficult to just up and leave the people who have provided for you for 19 years.

It's made me a complete wreck - i've become good at hiding my feelings - i have a reputation as someone who's always happy and constantly joking, ironically the guy other people rely on and go to for advice. I tried to tell a friend i was actually miserable the otehr day - he thought i was joking.

my life is a complete mess. i don't even feel like it is my life. I'm constantly lying and manipulating people to hide my true beliefs, and I feel like a complete coward.

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Reply 1

LAX Inc

Well I do have similar situation like your but I do believe in Islam. Hmm, why don't you consult with Imam? If not then I would recommend reading the books or websites which could help you to solve your problems. Google is your friend. Apart from your friends, did you tell this to your teacher or other people. Are you moving away from your family when you start at uni?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I don't blame the religion - it's my parents. there's plenty of muslims who don't treat their kids like this.

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 3

Rhadamanthus

Anonymous

I don't blame the religion - it's my parents. there's plenty of muslims who don't treat their kids like this.

But it's an example of strict religious codes implemented. Anyway, not the place to debate this. I think what you need to do is go to uni and then tell them. That way you can avoid them. If they can't accept you for what you are then shame on them.

Reply 4

User414413

Don't tell them. Move on with your life. Are you at uni? Why don't you move into your uni dorm?

Reply 5

Non-anon

I have the same situation.
I don't know how I can actually help you, OP, but at least you know that you're not the only one...
One more year until uni, I guess- but then what?

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

LAX Inc

Why consult an Imam? I've made my decision about Islam - i don't know what religion if any i believe in, and believe me it's a very highly informed decision i've made too, i've been forced to study hadith and the quran pretty much my whole life.

I find it too hard to speak to people about this directly. This is hard enough for me. I've considered speaking to my old teachers, i've even tried before, but i've never told anyone until now. I'm moving quite far, but it won't make a difference.

Reply 7

mel0n

Your parents are going pretty far! I'm a girl and I would say mine are strict in comparison to other parents but they're nowhere near as bad as yours! Maybe your parents are mixing culture with religion? I don't think Islam forbids you to have friends, mix with others and certainly, in my opinion, doesn't want you to be unhappy. It seems that maybe they're putting their own personal preferences across as 'religious reasons' or whatever.

Don't let just two people be the reason for you losing faith, imo. Maybe you should look into it further yourself, find out more about the religion and then decide for yourself whether you wish to believe or not. :smile:

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Non-anon

I have the same situation.
I don't know how I can actually help you, OP, but at least you know that you're not the only one...
One more year until uni, I guess- but then what?

exactly.

Reply 9

Casse

Anonymous

May I ask why you no longer believe in Islam?

Reply 10

Sariya

Go to University, and then break contact in second year?
There's sufficient help out there to get you on your feet once you're set up somewhere. You'll feel far more capable of supporting yourself wwhen you've lived away from home for a year.

Whatever you do, do not let them make you live at home during University.

Reply 11

xxAFFxx

Just wait for uni. Graduate. move to another city get a good job and then move on with your life.

Meanwhile just look at you education as your passport out - work hard at your studies get the grades to get in to a good uni.

But i really really recommend you dont make any rash desicions about rejecting Islam

Can i ask, would you have given Islam a second look if you're parents weren't so strict?

Reply 12

Born2Win

Don't be silly.. this is more a (south asian?) cultural problem than a religious one.

Anyway.. I can sympathise with you dude. I'm also an ex-muslim living in a muslim family who doesn't know. I just spend that extra five minutes a day praying, tell the odd white lie etc to please my parents. It's a small price to pay for 19 years of raising me.

The biggest probem for you (I think) is that you feel lonely? If so try making some new friends at college at clubs etc... and I mean people who aren't the close-minded muslims you've just described.

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Casse

May I ask why you no longer believe in Islam?

I disagree with many of its rulings. It's not something I'd like to start debating actually, my decision is made. I've lied to myself about it for long enough, about being a "moderate muslim" and only following the rules i agree with, but that wouldn't be right imo.

Reply 14

xxAFFxx

mel0n

Don't most asians do that. I'm pakistani muslim and im really lucky that my parents are not strict, but my other muslim friends are not so lucky. Its all culture not religion - these stupid asians just use religion to cover it.

Reply 15

Rumple Foreskin

Take the financial help they give you for uni and when you leave uni, move out and excommunicate yourself. Don't pay them back. If you don't like them (or hate as you said about your dad) then don't help them. If they are trying to control you, take advantage of them, and on their own heads be it.

Reply 16

DomDyke

just think about loads of other people who are in the same position as you. not everyone will be angry about your thoughts.

university will be really good for you then, as you will be able to live your own life up there. just go through university first, and then i think you should live your own life, because it's YOUR life and it shouldnt be controlled by anyone else, and you shouldnt have a lack of your freedom.

it's the same for people who are the same as me, although my parents are extremely open minded and i never had a problem with my experience, I am gay and there are loads of other gay people who are too scared to tell their parents because they'll disown them.

they're completely in the same position as you. and every single person i know that has been in this position and decided to tell their parents, haven't regretted doing it and haven't been happier since. your parents may disown you, but at the end of the day, this is a free country and every person has their rights to freedom.

im not being funny but if it's they're strict because of their religion and won't allow you of you own thoughts, feelings etc, then they're in the wrong country because every person in this country, regardless of colour, race, religion, sexuality, has the right to be their own :smile:

Reply 17

Non-anon

Escape to uni... live a whole new life...
Don't worry, they're not going to notice when you don't come back during holidays; they aren't going to come and see you after you've been away for years. The rest of your family?- forget about them! You can rely on a network of strangers for support. And you're not going to feel guilty about this at all!

It's too easy to tell someone to run off to ~~join the circus~~ uni

Reply 18

mel0n

xxAFFxx

Yeah mine sometimes do it. With university at first they were like no you're a female you shouldn't move out because of this and this blahblah but Islam advises you to gain knowledge and education, no matter what your gender. They've accepted the idea now :h:

Reply 19

User414413

saab_101

So much for anonymous.

I'm moving out. If i broke contact, they wouldn't leave it there. My mum would either do everything in her power to make my life miserable, or everything to change my mind, and then once she'd realised it wouldn't be changed, she'd try and make me miserable. Then i'd have all my muslim friends trying to convince me, and my extended family. Then most of them would eventually reject me, and the rest would be disappointed in me i guess.