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pre-university 'relationship': how can I stop feeling like this?
So here's a very simplified version: there's a boy, 'JT' who I am "seeing" (effectively a relationship but without the boyfriend/girlfriend tags, but it's not just sexual desire, and we very much like each other).
Things started out, and after a while things went a little 'off', and JT told me that he wasn't sure about everything as we are going to University this October and he 'wanted to go to University single'. Since then he said that isn't exactly what he meant, although I do completely see his point - I've looked at the Long Distance Relationship Forum on TSR and can accept that it's so unlikely to work, so I'm not in denial or anything like that.
Things have gone back to how they were after a short break and us both still really liking each other so wanting to return to 'normal'.
Now I'm faced with the constant knowledge in my head that this relationship has a pre-determined end and I can't help feeling very down about the fact that it feels temporary. I'm sure you know what I mean in that the thought of anyone else being with JT really ties me up in knots inside - and the thought that by November there could be someone, really gets at me.
Does anyone have any advice as to how I can stop feeling like this and just look at things in a more short-term and happy way? I don't want to break it off because I like him a lot, but maybe it would be for the best in the long-term?
Any help appreciated
Things started out, and after a while things went a little 'off', and JT told me that he wasn't sure about everything as we are going to University this October and he 'wanted to go to University single'. Since then he said that isn't exactly what he meant, although I do completely see his point - I've looked at the Long Distance Relationship Forum on TSR and can accept that it's so unlikely to work, so I'm not in denial or anything like that.
Things have gone back to how they were after a short break and us both still really liking each other so wanting to return to 'normal'.
Now I'm faced with the constant knowledge in my head that this relationship has a pre-determined end and I can't help feeling very down about the fact that it feels temporary. I'm sure you know what I mean in that the thought of anyone else being with JT really ties me up in knots inside - and the thought that by November there could be someone, really gets at me.
Does anyone have any advice as to how I can stop feeling like this and just look at things in a more short-term and happy way? I don't want to break it off because I like him a lot, but maybe it would be for the best in the long-term?
Any help appreciated
Reply 1
I know exactly how you feel. I'm currently seeing a guy and we are both going to different universities this October. We started being "official" about a month ago. But prior to that, I was so unsure because I knew that there was a definite end to the relationship. We've even discussed that we will be breaking up after year 13.
But life's short. Just be happy for the time that you have together. There's nothing to say that it will last forever anyway so just go with it. I do get a bit sad occasionally thinking of the fact that it will all be over in a couple more months, but that's life. If you really like him, stay with him. Lots of things will end, I guess we all have to learn to let go. The fear of letting go will prevent you from enjoying something wonderful.
There are advantages to just not starting anything in the first place, because yes it might be less painful in the long run, but wouldn't you rather experience something great than look back and think "what if?"....
But life's short. Just be happy for the time that you have together. There's nothing to say that it will last forever anyway so just go with it. I do get a bit sad occasionally thinking of the fact that it will all be over in a couple more months, but that's life. If you really like him, stay with him. Lots of things will end, I guess we all have to learn to let go. The fear of letting go will prevent you from enjoying something wonderful.
There are advantages to just not starting anything in the first place, because yes it might be less painful in the long run, but wouldn't you rather experience something great than look back and think "what if?"....
Reply 2
10
Talk about it, if it's too hard for it to have a set end, break it off now and be friends. If you can manage the end in September time, go for it.
Reply 3
If all is going well now, you could just wait and see what happens. It could end up working out, but if it doesn't then at least you can say that you have tried.
Reply 4
I was in this situation before I went to uni in October, the whole thing, had an agreed break up date and everything but we are still together now, we both realised that we didn't want it to end at all and so even though it's not easy (we're an hour and a half'ish apart) we are making it work, visiting each other in turns etc.. Keep faith and talk to him about it, there is no rule that says you HAVE to go to uni single or that these relationships can't work, you just have to try.
However if he definitely doesn't want to stay together then just live for now and enjoy every day you have, don't ruin them by thinking about the future.
However if he definitely doesn't want to stay together then just live for now and enjoy every day you have, don't ruin them by thinking about the future.
Reply 5
This is the situation that will happen with my boyfriend and honestly I've just kind of accepted it. I mean, looking at it purely logically, we aren't gonna be together forever or get married, we have a perfectly lovely relationship but come september it's just gonna have to be it.
I don't know how to advise you stop minding the fact that it's temporary...you just have to kind of make your peace with it really!
Weigh it up, basically there's 2 options:
- Break up now and be single for the next 6 months when you could potentially still be with him - and six months is a long time!
- Have a great time for the next 6 months and break up in september when you may be alot more attatched.
Both options are sucky in their own way but it just depends which one you think will be easier on you. I mean, you're going to uni too so that's a chance for you to make a fresh start just like he will be - so even if you're breaking up at least you're not getting left behind, and if you're going to different places you won't HAVE to know if there's somebody else
If I were in your shoes, I'd stay with him and enjoy it how it is now, and don't get too stuck with it being really serious - just make the most of the time you have!
I don't know how to advise you stop minding the fact that it's temporary...you just have to kind of make your peace with it really!
Weigh it up, basically there's 2 options:
- Break up now and be single for the next 6 months when you could potentially still be with him - and six months is a long time!
- Have a great time for the next 6 months and break up in september when you may be alot more attatched.
Both options are sucky in their own way but it just depends which one you think will be easier on you. I mean, you're going to uni too so that's a chance for you to make a fresh start just like he will be - so even if you're breaking up at least you're not getting left behind, and if you're going to different places you won't HAVE to know if there's somebody else
If I were in your shoes, I'd stay with him and enjoy it how it is now, and don't get too stuck with it being really serious - just make the most of the time you have!
Reply 6
If it were me I would end it now, so that come the begining of uni I wouldn't have heartbreak to deal with along with studies. Come 6 months time you may be over it.
Reply 7
Isn't the relationship doomed and over anyway if you're having such acute worry over him meeting someone else?
Reply 8
I would advise as suggested in this thread of breaking up now. If there's question about a relationship it usually doesn't work. I had a girl who was I with and we were similar to your situation, no official tags but the relationship was there. I started my first year at my school still with her but not like before, it was deteriorating (on her end I might add). It took up so much of my attention and focus it started affecting my studies and also hindered me from making as many new friends as I could have because I was so stuck up in the past and what was happening. As soon as I realized that I told her it was best to go our separate ways and it took me some time after that to get over it but I did. It wasn't the most enjoyable experience.
Reply 9
Skycat
I'd argue the opposite, starting uni was such a positive experience for me that maybe it would help the negative feelings from the break up?
Possibly, just for me i would choose the breaking up sooner rather than later. You do have a good point though. Unfortunatley it is had to know how someone will react after a break up, they either embrace new experiences or linger on what could have been.
Reply 10
ourlastmemory
This is the situation that will happen with my boyfriend and honestly I've just kind of accepted it. I mean, looking at it purely logically, we aren't gonna be together forever or get married, we have a perfectly lovely relationship but come september it's just gonna have to be it.
I don't know how to advise you stop minding the fact that it's temporary...you just have to kind of make your peace with it really!
Weigh it up, basically there's 2 options:
- Break up now and be single for the next 6 months when you could potentially still be with him - and six months is a long time!
- Have a great time for the next 6 months and break up in september when you may be alot more attatched.
Both options are sucky in their own way but it just depends which one you think will be easier on you. I mean, you're going to uni too so that's a chance for you to make a fresh start just like he will be - so even if you're breaking up at least you're not getting left behind, and if you're going to different places you won't HAVE to know if there's somebody else
If I were in your shoes, I'd stay with him and enjoy it how it is now, and don't get too stuck with it being really serious - just make the most of the time you have!
I don't know how to advise you stop minding the fact that it's temporary...you just have to kind of make your peace with it really!
Weigh it up, basically there's 2 options:
- Break up now and be single for the next 6 months when you could potentially still be with him - and six months is a long time!
- Have a great time for the next 6 months and break up in september when you may be alot more attatched.
Both options are sucky in their own way but it just depends which one you think will be easier on you. I mean, you're going to uni too so that's a chance for you to make a fresh start just like he will be - so even if you're breaking up at least you're not getting left behind, and if you're going to different places you won't HAVE to know if there's somebody else
If I were in your shoes, I'd stay with him and enjoy it how it is now, and don't get too stuck with it being really serious - just make the most of the time you have!
This. I'm in the same situation, and this sums everything up perfectly.
Reply 11
OP, is your name Quinn?
Reply 12
Anonymous
wouldn't you rather experience something great than look back and think "what if?"....
you're completely right. thanks for your kind advice, almost nice to know others are in the same position as me!
(and no, I'm not Quinn, sorry)
Reply 13
i'm also in this position - i've been with my boyfriend for a year now and it's so hard to pick the uni i want to go to because it is 5 hours drive away when ive also got into the uni he is going to but if you want it to work then absolutely go for it and it could even work in october, i know many couples that have made it through if you both try and if not, you'll never regret not trying xxx
Reply 14
HunkyDory
I was in this situation before I went to uni in October, the whole thing, had an agreed break up date and everything but we are still together now, we both realised that we didn't want it to end at all and so even though it's not easy (we're an hour and a half'ish apart) we are making it work, visiting each other in turns etc.. Keep faith and talk to him about it, there is no rule that says you HAVE to go to uni single or that these relationships can't work, you just have to try.
However if he definitely doesn't want to stay together then just live for now and enjoy every day you have, don't ruin them by thinking about the future.
However if he definitely doesn't want to stay together then just live for now and enjoy every day you have, don't ruin them by thinking about the future.
This is good advice.
OP - you only get one life, so live it! LDR do work. Me and my boyfriend are stronger then ever. Skype is THE best invention in the world! And even if you don't stick together, what's the point in regretting the next 6months?
Reply 15
I've seen that a lot of people have said that a long distance relationship might work.
And I really don't mean to put a downer on things, but please don't cling onto hope of having a long distance relationship. I would love to stay with my guy once uni starts, but the reality is, it's easier said than done and it takes a lot of work from both sides to make it work. I'm not saying that a long distance relationship won't work, I'm just saying to keep an open mind.
Take each day as it comes, and worry about things like that nearer to the time.
And I really don't mean to put a downer on things, but please don't cling onto hope of having a long distance relationship. I would love to stay with my guy once uni starts, but the reality is, it's easier said than done and it takes a lot of work from both sides to make it work. I'm not saying that a long distance relationship won't work, I'm just saying to keep an open mind.
Take each day as it comes, and worry about things like that nearer to the time.
Reply 16
Anonymous
I've seen that a lot of people have said that a long distance relationship might work.
And I really don't mean to put a downer on things, but please don't cling onto hope of having a long distance relationship. I would love to stay with my guy once uni starts, but the reality is, it's easier said than done and it takes a lot of work from both sides to make it work. I'm not saying that a long distance relationship won't work, I'm just saying to keep an open mind.
Take each day as it comes, and worry about things like that nearer to the time.
And I really don't mean to put a downer on things, but please don't cling onto hope of having a long distance relationship. I would love to stay with my guy once uni starts, but the reality is, it's easier said than done and it takes a lot of work from both sides to make it work. I'm not saying that a long distance relationship won't work, I'm just saying to keep an open mind.
Take each day as it comes, and worry about things like that nearer to the time.
From the way you've phrased this I am guessing you've not started uni yet.
Uni is nothing like you expect it too be, so you can't judge it until you get there. You should give everything a try if you get the opportunity.
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