This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

so i cheated.. and now i dont know what to do

i realise that this is my own fault, and im not looking for any comfort or sympathy. but as it stands im losing the love of my life and i don't know what to do - and i just need advice. i've been with my boyfriend 2 years, barring a break last summer. we're so close, we fell in love quickly, everything was amazing. but recently things have been really messed up between us. we both have exams, i am on mood stabilizing medication that has deadened my emotions considerably, and i am in therapy at the moment to move past some of the things that have happened to me throughout my life. im in a really ****** place and as a result our relationship deteriorated. we havent been happy, ive been distancing myself from him, and i convinced myself (and him) that i wasnt in love with him anymore.

this isnt an attempt to excuse what i have done, it's just the reason for it. when we got back together after our break in the summer, i was talking to some people that i had been dating throughout the summer. i didnt stop talking to them immediately, because i was unsure and scared of getting back into my relationship. he found out that i was still talking to them, but we decided we were going to move past it. but recently i started talking to one of them again. nothing too deep, just a bit of flirting and we spoke on the phone once. my boyfriend found out and initially i tried to cover it up. but eventually i admitted everything and told him the truth. he decided immediately that it was over and walked out of the house. i tried to call him and talk to him but he's not budging. i've broken his trust and he doesnt want to be with someone who can lie to him. but it was a mistake - a stupid mistake, and one which was so very wrong, but i KNOW I would never do this to him again. he is my everything, i love him to pieces. i cant live my life without him, and i realise i should have considered this before i did what i did, but i was in a really messed up place and i acted stupidly. I hate myself for it and i wish i could take it back, but i cant.

i dont know where to go from here. he's listening to me explain but it's not making any difference, he wont change his mind. this only happened yesterday so im not sure whether i should give him some time - but i cant see time making any difference to it with how he;s feeling. he's not even passionate or expressing anger, he's just saying it's over and he cant trust me and he doesnt want it. he says ive changed and he doesnt know me anymore, and he doesnt want to be with me again ever. im scared that time will only make this worse, i want a chance to prove that i can be myself with him again, and not this horrible ****** person i turned into.

he's agreed to see me tonight, but he said he's only doing it so that i realise that it's finished and i get closure. i dont want to go and desperately beg him in the middle of a pub, but i dont know if i can be rational. i dont know how to be. what do I do?

please help.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

just to add, this only happened yesterday

Reply 2

tinktinktinkerbell

16

tell him what a scummy tramp you are and let him get someone better

EDIT: ok just read the whole thing, theres nothing you can do, if he doesnt want to be with a lying cheating skank then thats upto him

Reply 3

vienna_waits_for_you

1

Unless I didn't read that properly, you didn't actually cheat on him?? I thought you meant something physical. Or were you not supposed to be seeing other people in the summer?

Reply 4

No.1 Loner

10

dont get caught

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

vienna_waits_for_you

Unless I didn't read that properly, you didn't actually cheat on him?? I thought you meant something physical. Or were you not supposed to be seeing other people in the summer?

I didnt physically cheat, but i continued speaking to the people i was seeing after we got back together (i didnt see them, but i did carry on flirting with them and stuff). and then since saturday ive been speaking to one of them again, and flirting - it wasnt going to lead to anything and i would have stopped it before it got too heavy. and this is what he found out about and left me over. he cant be with someone who would go behind his back in any way - which i understand. but i wouldnt do it again

Reply 6

Captshiznit

5

OP where did I read you cheating? talking to people isn't cheating... I can see him being raged but not breaking up being like OH MY GOD YOU ARE A CHEATTTERRRRR :yep:

Reply 7

goodmen

13

You didn't cheat. Your bf is a moron.

Reply 8

James4d

13

Tell him how you really feel and hope he believes you. Unfortunately he will never be able to fully trust you again.

Reply 9

470dwndow54

12

ok so i didnt actually read it but the comments said u didnt actually cheat... dont worry about it

Reply 10

Dnator

12

I really cba to read all of that, could you perhaps provide a summarised version

Reply 11

vienna_waits_for_you

1

Anonymous

I didnt physically cheat, but i continued speaking to the people i was seeing after we got back together (i didnt see them, but i did carry on flirting with them and stuff). and then since saturday ive been speaking to one of them again, and flirting - it wasnt going to lead to anything and i would have stopped it before it got too heavy. and this is what he found out about and left me over. he cant be with someone who would go behind his back in any way - which i understand. but i wouldnt do it again

Explain everything you just said in this thread, about your medication deadening your emotions and stuff, and that phrase, 'this isn't an excuse, just the reason' - that's good because you're not being a coward and you're taking responsibility for it. He owes you a chance to talk, and he needs to just listen. Or email it? Just get across how deep your feelings are for him, and how yesterday was a shock to the system and you wouldn't ever do that again. Also emphasise the fact you had no intentions whatsoever taking it further, but you realize he can't just accept that and believe it - but you're saying it anyway because it's the truth. I don't know what to suggest really, just don't give up that easily and let it slide. Fight for him, you clearly care a lot, and you don't sound emotionally or socially stupid at all.
Just like to add how much I respect you taking responsibility for it. Although I was expecting you to say you'd slept with someone, or kissed someone at least. Not sure I'd actually class that as cheating...

Reply 12

TShadow383

16

Anonymous

I didnt physically cheat, but i continued speaking to the people i was seeing after we got back together (i didnt see them, but i did carry on flirting with them and stuff). and then since saturday ive been speaking to one of them again, and flirting - it wasnt going to lead to anything and i would have stopped it before it got too heavy. and this is what he found out about and left me over. he cant be with someone who would go behind his back in any way - which i understand. but i wouldnt do it again

That's not cheating, just don't do it again and move on with your life.

Oh and never listen to anything tink says because she's a moody fat bitch who nobody here really likes anyway :biggrin:

Reply 13

Magic Dust

Anonymous

I didnt physically cheat, but i continued speaking to the people i was seeing after we got back together (i didnt see them, but i did carry on flirting with them and stuff). and then since saturday ive been speaking to one of them again, and flirting - it wasnt going to lead to anything and i would have stopped it before it got too heavy. and this is what he found out about and left me over. he cant be with someone who would go behind his back in any way - which i understand. but i wouldnt do it again

Your boyfriend is a controlling moron. You can talk to who the hell you like, it's your life, why should he control it?

OP I know it's hard but it sounds like splitting up with him could be good for you, no one should be able to tell you who you can and cannot talk to. :console:

Massive

at him.

Reply 14

campy

9

Captshiznit

OP where did I read you cheating? talking to people isn't cheating... I can see him being raged but not breaking up being like OH MY GOD YOU ARE A CHEATTTERRRRR :yep:

Yeah, this. Sure he has a right to be upset but you sound like you really regret it and that you're very sorry. He should have his tantrum, accept this and move on.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

OP

vienna_waits_for_you

Explain everything you just said in this thread, about your medication deadening your emotions and stuff, and that phrase, 'this isn't an excuse, just the reason' - that's good because you're not being a coward and you're taking responsibility for it. He owes you a chance to talk, and he needs to just listen. Or email it? Just get across how deep your feelings are for him, and how yesterday was a shock to the system and you wouldn't ever do that again. Also emphasise the fact you had no intentions whatsoever taking it further, but you realize he can't just accept that and believe it - but you're saying it anyway because it's the truth. I don't know what to suggest really, just don't give up that easily and let it slide. Fight for him, you clearly care a lot, and you don't sound emotionally or socially stupid at all.
Just like to add how much I respect you taking responsibility for it. Although I was expecting you to say you'd slept with someone, or kissed someone at least. Not sure I'd actually class that as cheating...

I've explained it to him, and he knows what im going through emotionally. he's not budging at all, he's just so angry. i cant see him coming round at all, he doesnt trust me one bit, and probably with good reason. i dont think it has to be physical to be classed as cheating, you know?

but this is good advice, thank you. i think i might write him a letter and explain everything. i dont want to keep begging him and showing him how upset i am because it just seems to make him more angry. he has no sympathy for me at all, and he;s showing me no emotion apart from anger. he's really done with this, and it hurts so much, it was 2 years and he's my life. it's tearing me apart.

Reply 16

vienna_waits_for_you

1

Anonymous

I've explained it to him, and he knows what im going through emotionally. he's not budging at all, he's just so angry. i cant see him coming round at all, he doesnt trust me one bit, and probably with good reason. i dont think it has to be physical to be classed as cheating, you know?

but this is good advice, thank you. i think i might write him a letter and explain everything. i dont want to keep begging him and showing him how upset i am because it just seems to make him more angry. he has no sympathy for me at all, and he;s showing me no emotion apart from anger. he's really done with this, and it hurts so much, it was 2 years and he's my life. it's tearing me apart.

I really don't know what to suggest, but I'm finding myself really caring about this now! I thought I'd mentioned it in my last post but I hadn't - the letter sounds like a really good idea, my best friend handwrote a letter to her boyfriend when they were in a similar situation. There was this guy who she was seeing a lot of and she was becoming flirtatious etc, so he said he didn't want anything to do with her if he was having to fight for the attention of his own girlfriend with another guy. Which is completely understandable - although my friend is a complete flirt and intentionally messed him about for a bit. But once she realized how much she needed him, she wrote him a really long letter, I think it was about 6 pieces of A4, just explaining everything, and just completely opening up about how much he meant to her. He didn't respond for about a week and a half after she sent it, which worried her - she wanted to get in touch but I kept her from doing so, which was good because he was taking time to think about it all. They started talking things through after that week and a half and eventually sorted things out. Seeing as you've said he won't listen, I'd definitely suggest a letter. If he takes a while to respond, give him that space. Answer any of his questions, no tears, nothing. Just be completely straight with him, without masking anything with what could be seen as an attempt for sympathy. I can see why he's being stubborn, if I was with a guy who cheated, no matter how strongly I felt or how hard they tried I think I'd spend a fair amount of time pushing them away, just to prove a point. I'm tempted to suggest you leave it a couple of weeks, so you don't use up all your 'lifelines' while it's too soon, if that makes sense? Actually a couple of weeks is probably too long, I reckon a couple of days. Use that time to write the letter and send it. Hope what all I just said made sense, if you need any help please PM me, feel really bad for you.