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staying friends after a relationship

I'm just getting back to feeling good again after a breakup which was ages ago - my ex-gf ignored me all the way through exam period, and then a little more, which as you can imagine didn't feel nice at all when I had nothing to do all day apart from try to revise.

She also lied to me about her being away for most of the summer so not fair to keep it going (which didn't happen) and not really wanting to be in a relationship anymore (very soon after me she was with another guy) so yeah, I don't think I really know the truth behind the breakup, and never will. So I never really got any closure over the relationship, which is why it was probs harder to get over, and took longer.

As I've said due to passing driving test ( :biggrin:

) buying a guitar ( :biggrin:

) and my decent a/s results things are going good again, I'd managed to cut myself away from her for a few weeks but now she's asking if I feel like meeting up. I'm just in two complete different minds about this

1)a) Say yes - it's a real shame for us to part because we get on soooo well normally... can just spend hours chatting - some people just click
b) Say yes - turn up and just be honest about what I've wanted to say for the past two months... why did she treat me like that, why didn't she feel we could be honest about things, why we couldn't have sorted things out and continued the relationship... a lot of whys... and probably wouldn't be too pretty :rolleyes:

2) Say no - she was a real bitch about the whole breakup and didn't even consider my feelings about it. It's felt better since I havent had to speak to her (although strangely I do really miss her sometimes) and I imagine that if we meet up I might get gf/bf want feelings back... especially seeing her with the guy that it looks like I got dumped for - that'd suck

Obviously the cases I've put out are a bit weighted in one way :rolleyes:

but whats everyone elses opinion on this? Could being friends ever work or will it just lead to more downers?

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Daragh

Say yes, you never know what may have happened if you say no.

Reply 2

OneEightSeven

I wouldn't bother if I were you. Show her that you are not prepared to accept the way she was with you and just let her walk back into your life. Well, thats my 2 cents, your situation may differ slightly?

Reply 3

Saree

I personally, wouldn't. But if you really want to because you might want to tell her how much she has hurt/annoyed etc you, then go for it, but don't let her walk over you. She sounds like someone who doesn't care about your feelings....but then again you know her best! You need to have the upper hand in everything...maybe you can say the time and place etc where you meet! :biggrin:

Good luck! :biggrin:

Reply 4

DeLboY

Only say yes if you do want to try and be friends. Don't use this meeting as an attempt at emotional blackmail or to send her on a guilt trip. You won't feel much better for it.
It sounds like she was too weak to tell you the truth, that doesn't necessarily make her an evil person. Just someone who was probably too scared of hurting you so they tried to excuse the break up with something else (really sad, but it is unbelievable how often this happens, and ends up hurting a LOT more in the long run)
I think you already know the truth anyway mate, no need for her to draw you a picture. It is sad that she couldnt be more honest, but that's life.
If you can forgive her for this, and you want to be friends, then go for it. Dont even mention the break up unless she brings it up. Be aloof.

Reply 5

scruffs

i wouldn't. Why bend over backwards towards her when she has so admirably demonstrated that you're only a convenience to her?

Reply 6

RaniBee

As you say you've got a good thing going on now, your happy, feeling good about yourself. The reason you do realise why u got so miserable is because of this girl. I know you should forgive and forget, but I think you should really think deep down if this girl is worth it. Because if you want to keep her as a friend I don't think she is worth it, because you don't treat friends this way.

Reply 7

englishrose

I wouldn't meet up with her if I were you. It doesn't sound like you're going to be in too many situations where the two of you are going to have to spend time together, so why bother? If you really want to be friends, then go and meet her. But as someone else said, do not mention the break-up.

Reply 8

Daragh

Am I the only one who believe in giving people a second (and third and foruth, and one hindred and fiftieth) chance?

Reply 9

_poptart_

I believe in giving people a second chance, but at the same time its clear that you are much better off without her.
Instead of arranging to meet up, just be civil and text her asking how she is, but dont let her bring you down again!
What could happen is she might end up hurting you again, cos if you both stay friends (when she quite clearly is a pretty crap friend at that!) your giving her the opportunity.
Unless she has good reasons for obviously not caring about ur feelings, i suggest you hold back from meeting up with her.
Are you only meeting her really cos it might mean you have another chance? If thats the case make sure you let her know she cant get away with treating like she did the first time round :biggrin:

good luck!

Reply 10

r_raghav11

well....i wud think abt it if i were u mate. Well...after that sort of a treatment...wud u want to go back?? Its a question u have to answer. i would probably meet but wud not want anything more.

Reply 11

tillgii

goonerjack

...now she's asking if I feel like meeting up. I'm just in two complete different minds about this

You never know she might want to say why she acted the way she did when you meet her. I know my g/f can be really hard to handle at times and weve broken up in the past because of the one way caring thing but she sure had good reasons.
I say you go meet her, as either way this will allow the chapters of your relationship to carry on or put an end to it propperly.

Either way you must go :biggrin:

Reply 12

SirPimpsALittle

Dude... reading your post is like looking into a mirror. My ex ignored me for the last two months while dating some other guy. We used to get on very well, and just yesterday she called me up wanting to hang out. She apologized for ignoring me, but at the same time she's just been dumped by that guy! So tonight it's either drinks and a comedian with her and some mutual friends, or hopefully my brother's fraternity party.

I don't know if i want to tell her to bugger off or give her a chance to be my friend. Either way, I'm moving 4500 miles away from her in a month so I don't think it matters much for me. I've given her enough chances already, and if she's not sincerely sorry she's not getting another one. I already forgave her for losing her virginity to another guy while we were still off and on, which, come to think of it, I probably shouldn't have done! Man, now i'm angry. I think I'm just going to politely say that there's no trust and we can't be friends since she clearly doesn't care about me. Therefore, my advice would be the same to you.

Good luck!

Reply 13

ciara

I think she probably reckons she's left it long enough and you're over her enough to be friends. A lot of girls seem to want to have their cake and eat it (I am totally guilty of this too btw) - dumping you and not explaining herself thus avoiding making herself feel bad, then still wanting a friendship afterwards. Common attitude, I'm afraid. I think most girls who do this have a good heart but it is really selfish.

In answer to your question, don't go - you're not over this relationship just yet. Don't try to ressurect it, you're clearly almost there, but wait until you've adjusted and are happy for just a friendship with her. It might take months or years, but it will happen, and if she's that amazing it will still work however long you leave it.

Cxx

Reply 14

goonerjack

Thanks for all the comments, seems like the general consensus is to leave it... which is what I'm swaying towards.

At the moment I'm having such random mood swings about this topic, sometimes I feel fine about it, then down, then pissed off lol... just never stays the same! Right now I feel like agreeing to meet up and just not turning up - guess I'm in my 'petty little kid' mood!

But that brings me onto another point, do you think it's worth trying to find out what actually brought the relationship to an end in her eyes? To me it seems like she wanted to be with another guy, which isn't a very nice feeling, and I think it's because of this that it's taken me so long to get over the relationship. Part of me thinks that if I knew the whole truth then at least I can draw a line and move on... really don't like the indecisiveness part.

Also, a common feeling is just wanting her to experience what I went through, which really was s**t during exam time. I know that must seem so petty of me, but I'm convinced she has no idea how she made me feel, and I know that she's pretty sensitive so the guilt card would work amazingly - that's pretty b*st**dish of me I know, but sometimes I believe that's no more than she deserves

So yeah, good idea/bad idea to find out once and for all what went wrong and move on from there?.... or just keep going from where I already am without looking bad (haaard!)?

thanks so much :smile:

Reply 15

BlokeFromStoke

goonerjack

So yeah, good idea/bad idea to find out once and for all what went wrong and move on from there?.... or just keep going from where I already am without looking bad (haaard!)?

thanks so much :smile:

I'd just let it go and carry on with the moving on. If you start talking about the reasons you broke up it could set you back quite a bit, involve more lies etc. etc. In fact anything could happen if you meet up, including the return of feelings which would be a very bad thing. In conclusion, I'd keep away and maintain the space and try to stop thinking so much about it (easier said than done). Plenty more fish and all that.

Good luck either way!

Reply 16

PieMaster

r_raghav11

well....i wud think abt it if i were u mate. Well...after that sort of a treatment...wud u want to go back?? Its a question u have to answer. i would probably meet but wud not want anything more.

For the love of god, is it that hard to use full words? Its not like you have to press the keys multiple times to get a letter you know.

As for the problem, i'm with the leave it and move on people.

Reply 17

LittleMinx

If I was you I would. For your own benefit you need to know the reasons why she broke up with you. But do it on YOUR terms, meet when and where you want to meet. Don't just go along with what she wants to do. She deserves her chance to explain, if you're not satisfied with her explanation then don't see her again after that. But at least give her a chance, if only for yourself.

Reply 18

*angeleyes*

Looking at the facts, (she lied, she dumped you, she dumped you before exams, she had a new guy soon after) i'd go with move on and don't see her. Looking at the emotional side, (she lied, she acted with no consideration for your feelings) I'd go with move on and don't see her. You will still feel things for her because you didn't end the relationship mutually so unless you want to do the whole getting over her hard bit again, i think you should concentrate on finding someone that deserves you. Well done with your exams and Good luck!

Reply 19

Shumie

I definitely think that you should leave it, as a girl who is the exact reflection of you as my ex-bf did the same thing, lulled me into a sense of security about the relationship and then ended things, cutting contact and not really giving me a reason why, i can relate to the major need to have some explanation as to why you were so easy to cut out of their life, but the fact is that you're back on track, that sort of encounter could just leave you confused, and with hurt to carry. Plus, the answers that she might have for your questions might be things that you're better off not hearing, or just things that you really don't want to hear. I think that the best thing you can do is just smile and appreciate that you had a good relationship and be thankful for that, but move on and know that things are different, and that if this girl could treat you so badly so easily, she just isn't worth your time of day. However, each to their own, but i hope you make the decision that is best for your situation and for you :smile: